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COLIN
Jaxon’s last email left me feeling empty inside. How had he gotten under my skin? Replying the way I had came from my heart. I couldn’t stand the thought that he thought he was only as good as his money. That was unacceptable and if I could help him fix that train of thinking, then I had to try.
Dropping my defenses was the only thing I could think of to do. So I bared more of my own thoughts than I think I would normally be comfortable with.
I hit send and then I tapped my pencil on the desk. Then stared at the computer. Would he email back? Eight minutes passed and I blinked at a new message.
It wasn’t from him. An email from a web designing company trying to get my business. I shook my head. My site was already done. They needed to do their due diligence and make sure things weren’t already finished before reaching out to potential customers.
Deleting the spam, I refreshed the inbox, hoping a new email would pop up.
A call from Carlisle pulled me from the fog my back and forth conversation with Jaxon had left me in. I brushed it off. I had to remember that pushing him away was the best thing for both of us. Telling him what I had must have pushed him the other way.
The days slid away and I caught myself staring at the phone and my inbox more often than not. Why hadn’t he emailed me to see where we were on the site? Why couldn’t I let it go?
Had Jaxon actually backed off? Had he left me with just the money and now he was silent?
A couple weeks passed and I wasn’t sure why I was dwelling on his absence so much. He hadn’t become a fixture or anything in my life. I’d made sure to keep him at a safe distance. Had he gotten into my heart despite my attempts to keep him out?
An email from Shandie brought my hand up to my mouth on a Tuesday night. I stared at the computer, a small smile on my lips. I couldn’t wait to see the site. I clicked through each test page, ecstatic as the vision I wanted emerged in front of me.
I was so excited, I grabbed my cell to call Carlisle, but then I paused. Who did I tell? Carlisle and Shandie were probably celebrating already. They had each other. They didn’t need me.
I was the one in need. I didn’t have anyone else to call. I put the phone down on the cushion beside me. I’d come home after a long day at work where I glanced at my inbox more times than I should’ve, hoping for an email from Jaxon – even a mistake email that he hadn’t meant to send.
Waiting for an email from him, or some kind of attempt to connect, was more painful than I would have expected. Why did I care if I talked to him? Why did it matter? I wanted him to stay away.
That’s what I kept telling myself anyway.
Except... I now had a reason to reach out to Jaxon and I didn’t want to miss the chance.
Subject: Site
Jaxon,
Here’s the test links to see the site. As soon as I give final approval, it will go live. I wanted to get your opinion on it before moving forward.
What do you think?
Colin
I swallowed against a lump in my throat. My loneliness had never been so apparent. Sure, I missed Mathias with a constant ache, but he was gone. He was just gone and there I was longing for something I couldn’t have. Something I didn’t know if I wanted or not.
No, that was a lie. Jaxon had smiled his way into mattering more to me than I wanted him to. There I was longing for a man who I wasn’t even sure I was compatible with. How would I know? What would be a good way to test our compatibility?
I glanced at the site and noticed that Shandie had left it in test mode but it was active, meaning it would work for any profiles that were assigned in test mode.
What if Jaxon and I took the test? I could see if we were compatible. That... no, I must be lonelier than I thought.
Ding.
The new email pulled my attention. I blinked at his fast reply. I’d been waiting for so long to hear back from him after my last email, the speed was unnerving.
That is good news. I’m excited to see what it can do. I’m clicking through and I don’t see anything that needs changed. Great colors and icons. She did a great job.
Thanks for the heads up.
He didn’t sign it or anything else. Things had become so businesslike between us, I could feel the chill in the air.
Did I challenge him? Did I find out just how compatible we were before pushing the wall down between us?
My fingers shook as I typed out my reply.
Can you take the test, like you’re filling out a profile? It’s in test mode, so you won’t be paired with anyone unless they’re in the test mode, as well.
Just a final check.
While I waited for his answer, I filled out the questionnaire, making each answer with a conscious effort as if I were taking the quiz for a match. Because in essence, I was. He just didn’t know I was doing it, as well.
I knew the questions and answering them was easy and more than a little fun. Self-consciously, I clicked the red heart submit button.
Chewing my bottom lip, I worried that he wouldn’t take the test. What if he didn’t? What if I had just done the test with a little bit of hope and he wouldn’t take the time to do it?
I swallowed again. I needed something to calm myself down. I wasn’t normally wound so tight and didn’t normally drink, but since I was stuck celebrating alone, what else did I have to do?
A bottle of red wine I’d saved for the last few years since opening ClickandWed.com had a layer of dust on it in the cupboard. I didn’t have any wine glasses so I grabbed my favorite over-sized tea cup and settled on the couch, drawing my legs up under me.
Pouring the deep red liquid into the white cup, I smiled. Lifting the unconventional goblet, I yelled, “Cheers!” My reflection in the window grinned sadly back at me and I drank.
How long had it been since I had wine? I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, wincing at the heady aroma sending a hazy dizziness through me.
My exuberance faded and I stared morosely at the darkness outside my window. No matter how much wine I drank, my sadness didn’t fade. Nothing went away. I couldn’t believe I had thought alcohol would help me. For a couple years after Mathias had died, I’d self-medicated. I’d stopped when I realized it didn’t fix anything. I’d turned toward creating ClickandWed.com and I’d thrown myself into making others happy.
Never myself.
I blinked at the empty green bottle and set it on the coffee table.
What would make me happy? Barring Mathias coming back, because, honestly, I wasn’t so far gone I thought that would happen. I’d thought Jaxon taking the test would make me feel better – one way or the other, I could know if we were compatible.
No.
What would make me happy? Not celebrating alone would be a good start.
Maybe not feeling like I was lost in my own life.
What did I expect? I had no one because I constantly pushed people away. Jaxon would have been a good friend to have. I didn’t need romance from him and I had to believe that it wasn’t a requirement for me to be in his life. He’d tried being friends with me but I’d attacked him time and again, never even giving him a chance to be my friend.
That’s how I was with everyone. Everyone except Carlisle but that’s because I knew he wasn’t interested in me.
How did I fix it?
I didn’t feel drunk. I felt brave and a little bit like throwing my fear into the wind.
J.
Are you mad at me? I don’t want you to be mad at me. I don’t want you to think bad of me. I wasn’t trying to upset you. I’m excited for the site. I thought you would be, too. Are you not happy? Are you mad at me?
C.
I looked at the email but some of the letters merged together. Rather than think on it too long, I clicked send. I should’ve waited probably, but I wasn’t too concerned. What was the worst that could happen?
He’d stop talking to me? It’s not like we were besties. Thanks to me. I grinned, reaching for my already empty glass. Nothing. Nothing was in the bottle either, just like I was empty.
My euphoria faded as I realized that my email wasn’t going to make anything better. An email popped up stating I was matched. 99% compatible.
Of course, we were. Anything less would be... I laughed at the screen and tilted the empty bottle at the computer like toasting it from my seat.
The phone rang and I stared at the screen. Who would call me so late at night? Okay, nine o-clock wasn’t late, but still, I never got calls. The screen was fuzzy. Wow, how much had I had to drink? Had I imagined the compatibility notice?
99% compatible.
Most likely the caller was Carlisle. My eyes were blurry so I didn’t bother reading the caller ID. I answered the phone with, “I drank the whole bottle.” Then snort laughed. “Sorry, you probably didn’t care how much I drank. Hello? I mean, hello? This is Dolin Cavies.” Wait, that didn’t sound right.
“Colin? Are you alright?” Jaxon’s voice cut through the fog. “I got your email. What’s going on over there?” His tone was concerned and friendlier than I deserved.
What email? Had he gotten the notice that we are a match, too?
I sighed and flopped back against the couch. “We’re matched and you’re mad at me. You don’t like me anymore. I know I’m a brat, but I have a good reason.” What was the reason? I had a reason, but I couldn’t remember. Plus, I was talking to my business partner and if the program wasn’t in test mode, my husband.
Jaxon’s voice jolted through me. “I don’t think you’re a brat. You’ve been drink-"
I snapped my fingers. I cut him off. “My reason. I remember. I have to be a brat so that you won’t like me. Hurt us both now so I won’t hurt us later, right? Because if you’re not attached, then when there’s a loss, it won’t hurt so much.” My words faded and I sighed. Picking at the hem of my shirt, I blinked back tears. “Except I hurt your feelings. I’m sorry.”
Jaxon’s sigh on the other end of the phone matched mine. “Colin, you’re just protecting yourself and me. I get it.” His words said one thing while his tone said another.
“What aren’t you saying?” I leaned forward but that wasn’t comfortable. I slumped back against the couch, waiting for the shoe to drop. There was something in his voice and I was having a hard time focusing on what wasn’t being said versus the timbre of his words.
We sat there in silence for a long moment and then I couldn’t help myself. I broke it with a broken whisper. “I just wanted someone to celebrate with. I’m sorry to interrupt your evening.” I should have hung up. I should’ve saved something of my pride. Being alone had to be better than the wondering. Hang up, Colin.
But I couldn’t. Because the call was the only thing giving me some kind of a connection with another person. Not just any person... With Jaxon.
“I’m very excited. I think it’s going to be great. I didn’t mean to be cold, but you made it clear that you didn’t want anything other than professionalism from me. I’m trying to give you what you want. If I treat you like I do every other partner, I would have had my secretary send a bottle of wine and she would have written the card. I’m trying to show you I’m listening. Well, I guess I could send you money.” He laughed at the end, but it just made me sadder.
“Don’t. I don’t want just your money. I mean...You’re worth more than your money. I’m sorry I ever said that to you. I would never say something like that and actually mean it.” I would never be able to live that down. I wasn’t a money hungry woman or I would have pretended to love him. I would have pretended that Mathias’s loss didn’t still grip me in its clutches at night or at random moments of the day.
Less since meeting Jaxon.
I didn’t pretend emotions when I could barely succeed at pretending on a daily basis that I wasn’t broken. Jaxon made me feel things besides loss and emptiness. He made me see things in a different way.
“Hey, how about I come visit this weekend? I saw on the website that this is Lost in the 50’s weekend. Would that work? I already have a place, unless you rented it out.” He laughed, the sound tender and comforting.
I smiled softly at his offer. “This weekend? You’ll have to come in on Thursday to see the car cruise. The cars drive in a parade on Friday night, but if you come on Friday, you’ll miss it because of traffic. Can you make it Thursday?” I was excited to see him and I couldn’t blame it on the alcohol. “I can send Carlisle to come pick you up.”
“I’ll get my own ride. Don’t send that poor man clear over there just to pick me up.” He chuckled, a rustling from the other end muffled the last word.
I plucked at the material of my pant over my knee. “Are you sure you can come?” He was busy and I knew it. I didn’t want to put expectations on him that he would be pressed to meet.
“I can be there for a friend.” He said the last word mockingly as if he couldn’t believe I would consider anything else and he wasn’t sure that was all he wanted.
I swallowed back my desire for more. I’d pushed him away in person. The least I could do was talk about the situation in person. I was nervous and doing it on the phone was more cowardly than anything.
We hung up after he said he’d send me the details of his flight.
He wasn’t curt, nor was he overly friendly. He seemed like he was hesitant and probably for good reason. Hadn’t I pretty much guaranteed there would be plenty of melodrama?
I put the phone down and leaned back on the couch, staring at the screen of my computer and the email that was waiting for my attention. I’d forgotten we were matched.
Should I have mentioned it? Would it have mattered? Was I ready to face the implications of what that meant?
I didn’t know what it meant with my mind in a wine-induced fog. I’d come back to it when my head wasn’t lost in my conversation with Jaxon and the excitement of his arrival Thursday.
What if his feelings toward me had changed and he wasn’t interested?
~~~
THURSDAY CAME SLOW. When I woke that morning, the minutes became days and I couldn’t believe how slow time passed. I hadn’t realized how excited I really was to see Jaxon. He really had become someone important to me. My refusal to see him for what he was humbled me and I didn’t like.
I didn’t let many people in because when they got in, I kept them close.
Standing beside the front desk in the office, I had my arms crossed while staring out over the street. The ClickandWed offices really did have a great view.
Carlisle passed me with a tap on the shoulder. “I probably won’t be in tomorrow. Traffic is going to be atrocious and Shandie hasn’t been feeling great.” He made a face as he leaned across to tug a file from the desk and then lean up again. Rolling his eyes, Carlisle folded his arms across his chest with the file dangling from his fingers. “Morning sickness hasn’t been the best for her.”
I laughed, shaking my head. “I bet. That’s fine. I’m going to take Jaxon down to get ready for the cruise. We’ll probably watch it from here, but I think some pizza would be perfect.” I was making plans with someone like an excited teenager. The sensation was rusty since I hadn’t allowed myself to feel that way in over a decade. The tingling and excitement was new and I wanted to revel in it some more.
Carlisle wiggled his eyebrows. “Really? Are you guys dating now or something?” He realized what he’d said and held out a hand. “I’m sorry, Colin. That was insensitive.”
I shook my head. “No, it wasn’t. It was funny. I’m not ready to date yet, but Jaxon did make me realize that I’ve been pushing everyone away for a man who would yell at me for doing exactly that.” I turned back to the window as Carlisle came to stand beside me. I glanced at him. “Do you think it’s okay to care about someone else?”
Carlisle knew what I was asking – was it okay to fall in love or was I betraying Mathias.
He turned his face from the window and studied me, probably seeing the doubt in my slumped shoulders. He reached out and put an arm around my shoulders, the warmth comforting and very much needed. “You’re a different person than you were when Mathias died. That girl isn’t even the person standing here. She’s not betraying him. You’re a different person now, and you need to know that you can love more than one person. If you fall for someone new, it doesn’t negate what you had with Mathias. Not in the least.”
I nodded as I considered his words. They made sense and the achingly alone sections of my heart – most of my heard – acknowledged that he was right. He had to be. I’d determined to be alone and then Jaxon had shown up. How was that even explainable. “I just can’t believe I’ve wasted so much of my life keeping others pushed away.”
“Except me.” Carlisle smiled sadly at me, squeezing my shoulders and reaching up to rub my upper bicep.
“Except you. But that’s because you didn’t push for more than friendship. Plus, you knew what was at stake, so you never have second-guessed the priority of things.” Carlisle had some of his own life taken from him because of a woman and her lies. I’d given him a chance and he’d met his wife when I pushed them together.
Carlisle reached out and wrapped his other arm around the front of me in a side hug, squeezing and grunting. “You’re a good kid, Colin. One day you’ll find someone you want to be happy with. At least you see that being alone isn’t the way to go.” He dropped his arm and then snapped his fingers at me. “Hey, let me know if you want to try a matchmaking program. I know this awesome one that actually does work. Plus, I think I saw a profile in test mode that was matched.” He winked and wiggled his fingers at me.
I groaned and scrunched my nose. “Oh, great. You saw that? It’s supposed to be in test mode.” I closed my eyes and shook my head. I thought I was the only one who would see it.
“Shandie didn’t shut off the notification system so I got the matching info at the same time you did and Shandie did. She didn’t believe you’d taken the test and then when she saw Jaxon had, she texted me to make sure she wasn’t having pregnancy hallucinations and to tell me she wanted some ice cream.” Carlisle pushed on his side and grimaced. “I’ll tell you what, I’m going to gain some weight, if her cravings don’t start leaning toward salads and steak.”
I tilted my head toward him in disbelief. “You’re concerned about your weight at the same time we’re talking about me being matched with Jaxon?” I blinked at him as if that didn’t make sense. I’d been matched with Jaxon and I wasn’t the only one who knew about it. “Did he get the email, too?” Why not just send the compatibility notice to the newspaper or to an online media forum?
Carlisle grinned at me. “Don’t worry. It’s Shandie and I. He didn’t get it. The only way he’ll know about the compatibility is if you tell him. The only way he’ll know that you know he even made a profile in test mode, is if you tell him.” Carlisle half-shrugged. “It was in test mode, Colin. If you never say anything, you’re the only one who will know. I’m not planning on saying anything and neither is Shandie. We’re going to get ice cream and pretend it never happened.” He winked.
I nodded slowly, unsure what to say, because what was there to say? I’d been matched and yet it wasn’t official because I’d been too much of a coward to try it in live mode.
“You probably have enough to think about now. Have a good night. Let me know when Jaxon gets in.” Carlisle left the room, closing the door softly behind him.
At least he’d reassured me about having feelings for Jaxon. I’d been worried that Mathias would feel like I was betraying him, but deep down I knew Mathias would never want me to be alone. I was the one keeping myself alone. I was the one who considered it to be the principle of the thing.
Yet, what principles was I trying to keep in the forefront? As I stared out at my view of the town, I couldn’t remember which one I was trying so hard to keep.
Maybe I could be less hard on myself, allow more grace as I gave into my need for a chance at more.
Pushing Jaxon away hadn’t made me feel better. In fact, I wanted to go back in time and stop myself from doing it. I couldn’t, so I needed to accept that fact and I needed to try again. My stomach twisted at the possibility that I’d thrown away any chance with him.
I glanced at my watch. Jaxon should be there within the next hour. The minutes dragged by and I kept telling myself I was excited to celebrate the site – that’s why I was so excited for him to be there.
But if I let myself be honest – at least with myself – I’d be able to admit that I was excited to see Jaxon with his easy smile and sparkling blue eyes. The man’s physical attraction was okay to admit to. Even a rock could see how good-looking he was and when he smiled at me, my nerves tingled.
I sighed as I realized once and for all that I liked him – a lot – and I really would like to see what it felt like to kiss him. Heat flushed my cheeks at the embarrassing thought. I was alone and I was still blushing. If Carlisle were there, he’d never give up until he found out why I was embarrassed. Picturing myself in Jaxon’s arms wasn’t for the weak kneed. Maybe I would be able to live the image before the weekend was out.
Relief welled inside me once I’d accepted that I cared – wanted to care more – for him than I’d considered possible. It was okay. I was going to be okay.
I couldn’t wait to tell him I didn’t want to be just friends.
The hour passed and I hadn’t heard from him or seen him. Rather than continue pacing impatiently, I pulled out my phone and called him. Maybe his plane was delayed or something.
The line didn’t even ring, sending me straight to voicemail which meant his phone was off. He could still be in the air, but that meant his flight information had changed. He’d promised he’d be on the Thursday mid-day flight. I tapped my finger on the side of the phone and waited for the greeting to beep so I could leave a message. “Hi, Jaxon. Um, it’s Colin. If you get this, give me a call or text me. I thought you’d be in by now. I might head down to Panhandler Pies for dinner. I’ll text you the address. If you get here in the next hour or so, join me. It’s four. If not, I’ll get you something so you don’t miss out.” I hung up, staring at the phone.
Something told me things weren’t right. I texted him, even though his phone was off.
Hey, just called but it looks like your phone is off. When you turn it on, ring me. I’m starting to get worried about where you are.
Dinner at Panhandler was delicious but I ruined it with constantly checking my phone. Distracted with thoughts of Jaxon. Had he decided not to come? I wasn’t anyone important. I was only an investment for him. Why would he go out of his way to come all the way over to Sandpoint to see a car show?
I’d pushed him away so much and so hard, I found it hard to believe he was actually willing to try again. I hadn’t taken the chance to tell him I wanted more, so he didn’t know that there was more between us – not yet. I had to see him first to let him know.
Walking back toward the office, I tightened my jacket around me. Warmth from the takeout boxes in the brown bag pushed through the front of my coat and shirt. The warm spring day was ending and a cool breeze brushed by me off the large lake.
My phone rang and I jerked to a stop, yanking the cell from my back pocket to study the face.
Carlisle’s picture grinned at me from the screen. I swiped it to answer, falling back into step as I headed toward the office. Lifting the device to my ear, I paused at the crosswalk and waited for my turn. “Hi, Carlisle. He’s not here yet.” Across the street, I sighed, stopping outside the Cone and leaning against the brick wall.
“I was worried about that. Hey, I’m watching the news and there’s a huge car accident on 95. Um, Colin, the accident is just below the bridge.” He spoke haltingly, his words breaking up as he mentioned the location.
South on US-95. Another accident. I took a temporarily steadying breath and nodded. “Okay, he’s probably just stuck behind the other cars. We know how that area can be turned into a bottleneck in no time. Thanks for letting me know. I’m going to head home, if you need me.” I swallowed, hanging up the phone. My calm wasn’t going to last and I rushed up the stairs, a frozen knot of fright collecting under my navel.
A familiar sinking in my chest grabbed hold of me as I made it to the couch just inside the office doors. Dropping the takeout bag beside the table, I sank into the cushions with my arms wrapped around waist. I leaned my head back and then forward, rolling to the side in a semi-fetal position.
I couldn’t stay there for long. I didn’t have a television to watch the news in the offices. I couldn’t leave until the shaking passed. Everything quaked in fear that the highway had taken away my chances at happiness.
Again.
What if it was Jaxon? What if I was bad luck and everyone I started to care about was destined to die in a car accident on the south end of the bridge?
No matter how illogical my rationale sounded, the sensation in my gut told me I wasn’t wrong.
I had the very real sensation that I’d lost Jaxon before I’d even had a chance to have him.