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COLIN
I paced the living room floor, fear holding me upright while I just wanted to curl up on the couch and cry. Logically, I knew he was probably stuck in traffic. I got that.
But it didn’t matter what my mind was telling me. My heart and soul knew, like deep down, that he was dead. He’d gotten into a car accident and he’d died and this time I didn’t get to tell him how I felt.
At least with Mathias, he’d died in my arms, knowing full well how much I loved him. How much he’d meant to me.
Jaxon... He had no idea how I felt because I’d been too proud to admit it to him or myself. He’d died and there was nothing I could do because I continually pushed people away from me.
I’d give anything for the chance to tell him we were compatible and that I didn’t need a computer program to tell me that he was what I needed – not just wanted.
I clenched the phone in my hand, the plastic creaking under my grip. I hadn’t put it down since leaving the office. I couldn’t breathe. Stopping beside the couch, I finally sank into the soft leather, staring toward the lake and gasping for air. What had I done?
Ignoring another text message from Carlisle and hung my head and gasped for air. He’d been calling all night and finally at nine I’d had to tell him I couldn’t talk about it anymore. His worried texts had flooded my phone until I’d stopped checking them.
The doorbell rang. It was probably Carlisle. Of course, it was Carlisle. He knew I was worried. He’d told me about the accident and then he’d tried keeping me in the loop on it, but he was watching the same news I had been. He hadn’t seen any more information about the wreck and said he’d call me if he saw anything.
He was probably over to check on me because I wasn’t answering the phone or my texts. If he was bringing me the bad news, I didn’t want to hear it, not right then. Not when I couldn’t breathe normally.
I’d probably never be able to breathe normally again.
The doorbell rang again, the sound loud in the late evening quiet. Even the grandfather clock on the side of the stairs seemed to sense that now wasn’t the time to be obnoxious.
I could just ignore Carlisle. I didn’t want more information right then. I didn’t. Especially since more knowledge in those instances usually wasn’t everything it was cracked up to be.
The doorbell rang again. I rolled my eyes, my hands shaking. I glanced at the screen of my phone for the thousandth time in case Jaxon had texted or called and I’d missed it.
The bell pealed again. I clenched my jaw and rubbed my temples. He wasn’t going to stop. The banging of fists on the door made me jump. On jelly-filled legs, I stood and crossed to the door, prepared to put on a brave face. Or, at the very least, maybe I would put on my irritated one and tell Carlisle to stop bugging me. I had crying to get to.
Yanking the door open, I lifted my gaze and gasped at the sight of Jaxon on my doorstep. Covering my mouth with my hand, I shook my head. I couldn’t register his presence in my mind. Nothing would click. Why wasn’t anything clicking?
Finally, I dropped all bravery. I’m not even sure what I did exactly, but somewhere in the back of my mind I registered reaching for him with both arms and a keening sob jerking from me. “Oh, Jaxon. You’re alive.” I hung on him, my grip tight and unapologetic. My shoulders shook and my knees buckled as I clung to him.
Jaxon bent, scooping me into his arms and closing the door behind us as he carried me to the couch. His stride was sure and long and I barely noticed as we moved.
I couldn’t stop crying. When had I cried so hard? I couldn’t remember over the last few years feeling anything other than pain.
The tears ripping from me were heavy with relief and gladness. Finally, I was feeling something besides pain. Something besides loss. My heart could mend and didn’t have to face the emptiness his death would have brought.
I wasn’t cursed.
Jaxon settled on the couch, holding me on his lap and close to his chest. I felt small and protected by his embrace. He ran his fingers through my hair, a soft shhhing sound coming from his lips. He pulled me closer, and I lifted my face to tuck close to his neck, inhaling his rich fragrance I’d smelled that first day in the café. How had I lived so long without his scent in my life?
There I was lying on him, and Jaxon had no idea how I felt. I hadn’t told him. I’d held it in all this time. Worse, I’d denied it. I couldn’t do that anymore. I had to be confusing him and I pulled back, sitting up and shifting to sit beside him, curled against his side. I had to keep touching him. I wasn’t too proud to admit that.
Shaking my head, I started speaking and didn’t hold in the barrage of words spilling from my lips. “I’m so sorry. I was so worried. You got a ton of texts from me and voicemails and I... thought you weren’t coming and then I heard about the accident and I thought you were in it.” Tears coursed down my cheeks. It didn’t seem to matter to me. All I cared about was staring at him and making sure he was still there.
“Hey, hey, you’re okay. I’m okay. We’re here.” He pulled me back into his arms and I reveled in his touch, closing my eyes that he wasn’t being too cold or too professional. “The battery on my phone died and I didn’t have a car charger. We were on 95, sitting there for over seven hours. If I’d had a way to call you, I would have. I’m sorry. I barely made it inside the office apartment when I plugged in my phone and got your messages. I rushed right over.” His fingers scrolled up and down my back and I shivered at the connection.
I was open to his embrace and the sensations that brought. The revelation emboldened me. Jaxon was alive. He was there. His heat and his cologne proved he wasn’t a figment. His button-up shirt was soft and smooth under my cheek. I moved back enough to see him but not to break the connection. I wiped at the tears under my eyes.
All of my pride was worthless. I wasn’t going to go through this again. I bit my lip and stared at him. “Do you... Do you think you can stay here from now on? I mean with me.”
He lowered his hand from stroking my hair and watched me, still as if he didn’t want to scare me off. His voice was solid, but firm. “I’m not interested in being your roommate, Colin. I thought I made myself clear? I won’t push you for more than you’re willing to give, but that’s... I can’t do that. That would be torture for me, for my heart. I’m willing to give you space, but I need to watch over my own emotions, as well.”
I placed my hand on his chest, where his heart was. “No. I don’t want us to be roommates. I mean, at first kind of, I mean, we can’t share a room until we’re married, if... I mean, if that’s what you’re looking for at some point.” I swallowed. Where had my courage gone? I pushed on, glancing down at my hand. I wouldn’t be able to continue, if I stared at his incredulous gaze. “I mean... I need you. Here. I don’t want you to leave again. I don’t want to miss you anymore. Here, in Sandpoint. Here, with me. I just...”
“Colin, honey, do you know what you’re saying? Is this just the worry and the relief talking? I can’t take it, if it is and you’re going to take it all back tomorrow.” He tipped my face up with his finger under my chin.
My gaze lifted, meeting his. I scrunched my lips to the side. “No. I just realized how much you mean to me. I realized this last weekend when I was messaging you. That I...” I searched my heart and my head for the guilt I was sure would be there, but it wasn’t. I wasn’t a bad person for loving someone besides Mathias. I wasn’t letting him down. Jaxon was my future and Mathias was my past. I could accept that. I could live with that. “I love you, Jaxon and I’m so sorry I haven’t told you before.”
Surprise and joy erased the trepidation from his features. I’d rendered him speechless as he stared at me.
I chewed on my inner cheek while I waited for him to work through what I’d said.
“Wait, you love me? How is that...” He ran a hand through his hair, tousling the thick waves. “I’m sorry, I’m a little overwhelmed. I never thought I would hear you say that and now... I just... wow.” He stared at me and then reached up with both hands to cup my face in his warm palms. “Can I just say, you make it worth breathing. You make it worth everything. Of course, we’ll be married but we’ll do things in the right order.” He winked, his touch creating awareness through my nerves. “I get to propose and I get to... well, I guess that’s all I get to do, but I get to decide when and how I’m going to propose. I already bought you a car, so that’s covered.”
I nodded, tears brimming over my eyelids as I laughed. Knowing Jaxon, he would make it a sweet proposal where it was private and just us. He wasn’t Mathias who was exuberant and extroverted. Jaxon was himself and I loved that about him.
We were the right click and I didn’t need a computer program to tell me we’d be happy together. One day I’d tell him we were ClickandWed approved, but we had time. We had so much to learn about each other. We had more time between us than the couples who joined ClickandWed did and they were finding happiness left and right.
Maybe our happily-ever-after had been harder to come to, but it was so much sweeter than I’d ever thought possible. “I can’t wait to get to know you better.” Placing my hand palm down on Jaxon’s chest, I leaned close to him, our lips an inch apart. His body tensed with expectation. I smiled and teasingly kissed his nose.
He chuckled. “Oh, no, you don’t.” He wrapped his arms around my back and slowly moved us closer until the warm soft melding of our lips consumed me.
It was a meeting of the hearts and I never wanted it to end.
Thankfully, our start was a new beginning for me and I couldn’t wait to see what I’d been missing out on.