As soon as I finish sorting out my things, I gaze around me with a small tinge of regret. I was so happy when we moved here. I thought this was everything I ever wanted - that James was everything I ever wanted and I’m shocked at how quickly things changed. James withdrew from me over time and I had no meaning in my life. I had given up my job, although I hardly missed that. No, it was much more fun playing at being the ‘stay at home wife’ and that would have been enough if my husband was like Anthony or Matthew. Even Anton was a better husband to Fleur, and they weren’t actually married. No, James has been withdrawn for some time now and I didn’t care enough to find out why.
As I place the last of the things I want to take with me into the large, wheeled suitcase, I glance at them and laugh to myself. It’s a good job that travelling first class gives you a bigger baggage allowance, although Miles did say he would pay the excess if I brought more than I was allowed.
As I think about Miles, I hug myself with excitement. How did I get so lucky? He is surely the dream. The one we all hope to meet and the one who won’t let me down like James. Don’t ask me how I know, but I do. Yes, Miles is my Prince Charming, and I am booked on a flight first thing tomorrow to deliver me to my happily ever after.
Humming to myself, I peer at myself critically in the mirror. Yes, this Chanel pantsuit looks as amazing as it did on the model in Saks. Miles isn’t James and gave me free rein with his credit card. He told me to go mad, so I did and felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, as I had a great time filling the walk-in closet in his penthouse with many designer outfits.
Now all I need to do is tell James I’m leaving him.
I head downstairs to his dimly lit study and knock firmly on the door before heading inside. In the lamplight, I notice James bent over another sheaf of papers and feel a stirring of fondness for the dusty barrister. He looks up and I note the brightness of his eyes as mine fall to the half-empty glass beside him. I shake my head and say softly, “Still drinking, I see.”
He nods and pushes the glass away. “Yes, it’s the only way I can cope with a nightmare.”
I sit opposite him and say gently, “We both know what I’m about to say. I’m sure it won’t come as a shock to you.”
He nods and I stare at the broken man before me as he says, “When?”
“Tomorrow. I’m packed and ready to go and I just wanted to say, I don’t want anything from you.”
He looks up in surprise, and I shrug. “To be honest, James, you’ve given me more than enough over the years. I haven’t earned my share of this house, and I wouldn’t want to cause you any more upheaval.”
I am shocked to see the tears welling up in his eyes as he says in a whisper, “Thank you.”
I’m not sure when James broke, but he is. Broken beyond repair and suddenly I’m fearful of his mental state. I say gently, “You need to get help, James. Tell me, what happened with the court case?”
He smiles sadly. “A fine and banned for a year.”
I’m relieved. “I’m glad. Perhaps now you can move on and deal with the drinking.”
He shakes his head. “You’re right. I am sorry though, Miranda, for everything.”
I’m puzzled as I wonder what he means, and he shakes his head.
“I haven’t been a good husband to you and I’m not surprised you’re leaving me. May I ask where you’re going?”
“New York.”
He nods. “Ah, I thought as much. Is it another man?”
I laugh incredulously, “Of course, why wouldn’t it be? I wouldn’t leave you unless I had another man.”
He laughs softly. “There she is, the Miranda I know and once loved.”
“Once loved?”
He nods. “You changed, my dear. As soon as you got bored, you lost interest. I’ve known for ages we were drifting apart. You no longer wanted me and, as it turns out, I never wanted you either.”
His words shock me as I suddenly face the fact that perhaps James had someone else all along. I’m not sure I like the feeling that hits me and I say sharply, “So, what are you saying?”
He smiles, but it has a sadness to it that brings tears to my eyes. “I fell in love, Miranda, but it didn’t work out.”
Now I understand what the expression was in his eyes that faced me every day and despite my anger at learning he had an affair; I have compassion for the fact he lost her. “What happened?”
He looks at me awkwardly and I wonder if it’s someone I know.
Then he says a name I never expected to hear in a million years. “It was Anton.”
It’s as if all the air has been sucked out of the room as I struggle to understand what he just said. “Anton!”
He nods and I’m shocked as the tears falling freely down his face.
“We never meant for it to happen. I’m not even sure how it started, but one day we were talking and then something clicked between us and the next thing I knew we were kissing and well… I’m sure you don’t want to hear the rest.”
I squeeze my eyes tightly shut as I try to breathe. Anton! I can’t believe it, James is gay - Anton was gay; this is devastating.
He carries on regardless and says with emotion. “We fell in love, but both struggled in our own way. I think he was disgusted with his feelings for me and what we felt compelled to do every time we met. We tried at every opportunity to end it, but kept coming back for more.”
I want to put my hands over my ears and make him stop, but he carries on, as seemingly now he’s started, he can’t stop. “We fell in love and yet we both knew it would end in disaster. He used to meet me at the office after training, or in a nearby hotel room. We were careful but infatuated and couldn’t get enough of each other. It was pure torture watching each other in company, knowing we only wanted to be together and I couldn’t see a way out of the situation we were in. It affected us both in different ways and I started drinking to dull the pain. He got angry and started picking fights with the guys from work. Then it started.”
“What started?”
I almost can’t breathe as James’s face contorts with rage and he spits, “Someone found out. We both received a video of us taken from a hotel we loved to meet at. I’m not sure who it was, possibly one of the staff who recognised Anton, but we both received the video of us having sex and a demand for money. We were told to pay up or risk public humiliation. The barrister and the footballer. It would make for damaging headlines, so we paid the money.”
The blood rushes to my head as I picture what they went through. Then everything falls into place as I say sadly, “That’s why you were so tight with money, wasn’t it?”
He nods. “I tried to keep up with the demands but was falling behind. I couldn’t tell you and so, I did the best I could. Anton paid the most because he could afford to, but then he discovered who it was and went to confront them.”
I hold my breath as James breaks down before my eyes. “He wound up dead in his swimming pool and I never got to find out what happened. I lost the man I love in the most secret and tragic of ways. The only good thing that came out of it was the demands stopped overnight. Anton had done what he said he would do and made the problem go away. However, I never knew it would be at a cost I would never have paid – his life.”
As he breaks down again, I rush to comfort him. We may no longer be together, but I do love James in my own way. His story has broken my heart and I can’t believe I never noticed the pain he was going through. I put my own selfish desires above his well-being and I will never forgive myself.
As I rock James in my arms as he cries like a baby, so much sadness washes over me. I can’t leave him like this. I must step up and do the right thing for once and make sure he is cared for before I can be really happy with Miles.
I’m not sure how long we cling to each other for but as soon as I can tell he is more relaxed, I say softly, “Listen, I’ll go to Fleur’s tonight on my own. It will be too much for you, being in Anton’s house, seeing his girlfriend and hearing her talk about him. Stay here, but promise me you won’t drink. I’ll leave as soon as I can and we can talk some more.”
James looks up and shakes his head. “It’s fine. I’ll come with you because quite honestly, I could do with a change of scene. It won’t matter about being in Anton’s house. It will be quite comforting really and if people do talk about him, I will welcome hearing it. I miss him so much, Miranda, and telling you has been cathartic. I needed that and perhaps it’s something I should do with a counsellor. It’s obvious I need to speak about my grief before I can move on. Don’t put your plans on hold because of me. I’ll be fine and as soon as this mess with the burglary is sorted, I’ll go away and have a change of scene and, who knows, perhaps I’ll find some happiness of my own.”
The guilt threatens to choke me as I think about what I did. Anton’s Rolex is safely in my pocket, so I can slip it back before anyone discovered it was missing. I have to go to Fleur’s tonight for that reason alone and my heart breaks as the full enormity of what I’ve done hits me. I hate myself.