One time when it was our school TALENT SHOW the head teacher, Mr Graves, said that there should be a PUPIL JUDGE on the judging panel.

We all thought that was a REALLY good idea because usually it is just teachers and office ladies and one time the lollipop man who are the judges, and they are all quite old so they don’t really know about YOUNG STUFF which means they sometimes choose the wrong winner.

That’s when Mr Graves said that annoying GARY PETRIE could be a judge because he was the one who’d found the class HAMSTER under the RECYCLING BINS last week.

So we started doing our talents but AS SOON as Mika had had his go, Gary stood up and started clapping LOADS. And then he said that he didn’t even NEED to see any more because he thought Mika should definitely win.

I was FURIOUS when Gary said that. And so was Jodi. And she even shouted, “Are you being ACTUALLY SERIOUS?!” Because mine and Jodi’s dance routine was OBVIOUSLY the best because we’d even jumped off the stage into the AUDIENCE during our performance and Jodi had tried to do the SPLITS at the end and EVERYTHING.

EVERYONE knew that the only reason Gary picked Mika to be the winner was because they were BEST FRIENDS. What Mika had done wasn’t even a talent because all he’d done was put his hood up and wave one hand about to some music and say that he was a RAPPER (even though he didn’t actually do any rapping or say even one word!).

So that’s when I said that I needed to have

with the judges because it is NOT OK to make someone be the WINNER just because they are your BEST FRIEND. You should make someone the winner because their dance is obviously the best!

So I went up to the judges’ table and said all of that. And Jodi came too and she stood with her hands on her hips and gave Gary Petrie a

And that’s when I told the judges that Gary needed to be SACKED because he was being just like KING MIDAS from ANCIENT GREEK TIMES and Jodi said, “YEAH!” even though I was pretty sure she didn’t know who King Midas was.

But Gary said that if he was like a KING then that meant he should DEFINITELY get to pick the winner because kings are better then TEACHERS.

So that’s when I put both my hands down on the judging table and looked RIGHT into Gary’s eyes and said, “How would you feel if you got DONKEY EARS?!”

Gary didn’t say anything back. But I could tell by the look on his face that he wouldn’t like it and also that he had no idea what I was talking about.

So that’s when I explained that there used to be this king called KING MIDAS and how one time his servants brought him this man who was wandering around the palace gardens, picking all the fruit from the palace trees and eating it without even asking or WASHING it first.

But when King Midas saw the man he got quite a SHOCK because the man wasn’t even a MAN because he was a SATYR which is a half-man half-horse person.

King Midas leaned forward on his throne and looked a bit closer at the SATYR and that’s when he saw that he was wearing a T-shirt that said

and he knew that that was the name of the band that the Greek God DIONYSUS was in.

So he asked the satyr what his name was and if he knew Dionysus and the satyr said that his name was SILENUS and that he played in the same BAND as Dionysus. And that the band was on TOUR in Ancient Greece and that he’d gone to get something for his breakfast that morning but got lost and that he was starving because it was past lunchtime now.

So King Midas made Silenus a cheese-and-ham sandwich because he knew that you needed to treat friends of the GREEK GODS very well and do stuff like make them sandwiches when they were starving so that the Greek gods didn’t get annoyed and put a CURSE on you. And he even cut the sandwich into little triangles and put some FANCY CRISPS on the side of the plate.

As soon as Silenus had finished his sandwich, King Midas gave him a ride to where the band were playing on his horse and he knew exactly where to go because there were posters about the show EVERYWHERE because the

were probably the most popular band in all of Ancient Greece.

When they arrived, Silenus took King Midas BACKSTAGE, which Midas thought was BRILLIANT because he’d never been to a ROCK CONCERT before and he’d definitely never been backstage.

As soon as the god Dionysus saw Silenus he cheered and gave him a big hug and then he shook King Midas’s hand for ages because he’d been really worried about how they were going to do their gig without their triangle player.

Dionysus was SO grateful, he told King Midas that he was going to grant him ONE WISH and that the wish could be ANYTHING he wanted.

EVERYONE thought that King Midas was going to ask for TEN HORSES or a MILLION POUNDS or even a SIGNED ROCK GODS T-SHIRT. But he didn’t.

Midas said that he wanted EVERYTHING that he touched to turn to gold.

And that’s when Dionysus and the other band members all looked at each other and Dionysus said, “Are you SURE??”

And King Midas nodded and said that he DEFINITELY WAS because King Midas was MEGA-GREEDY and also he wasn’t very smart.

So Dionysus granted Midas his wish and then the band went on stage.

King Midas was SO EXCITED about the GOLD THING that he ran out of the concert hall and LEAPT on to his horse because he couldn’t wait to get home and tell his wife that he could MAKE GOLD.

But King Midas didn’t get very far because his BUM turned the horse to SOLID GOLD.

At first, King Midas was upset because he quite liked his horse. But then he realised that he had a SOLID GOLD HORSE now and he decided that he wasn’t that upset any more because GOLD!

It took King Midas AGES to get home because everything he touched kept turning to GOLD, like little STONES that got inside his sandals and a TWIG that he picked from a tree and a PARK BENCH that he sat on when he needed a rest.

And by the time he got home he was starting to wonder if maybe he had made a mistake asking for the

because his back was really sore from carrying the bench and the horse, and when he tried to put his slippers on they turned to gold. And even though gold slippers look nice and shiny, they’re not very comfortable.

Then when King Midas was trying to eat his tea, all his food kept turning to gold as SOON as it touched his mouth. And by the end of the meal King Midas had a plate FULL of little gold peas and SOLID GOLD FISH FINGERS and his stomach was rumbling like MAD.

So that’s when King Midas told his wife that he was going back to see the BAND to ask if Dionysus would let him EXCHANGE his wish.

And that’s when his wife got a bit of a weird look on her face and he just KNEW that it was because she LOVED GOLD and that it didn’t matter how many gold NECKLACES and RINGS and TEDDIES she had she always wanted MORE.

So King Midas sighed and said, “Fine. What do you want me to touch before I go?”

And the queen said that it was a bit

but that she had ALWAYS wanted a SOLID GOLD TOILET SEAT. So King Midas sighed and went upstairs and sat on the toilet seat until it turned to gold and that made the queen really happy.

Then when Midas EVENTUALLY arrived at the ROCK GODS concert he managed to catch Dionysus just as he was about to get on the TOUR BUS and ask him about the EXCHANGING-HIS-WISH THING.

Dionysus rolled his eyes and said that the GREEK GODS didn’t do exchanges OR refunds but that he WOULD help him get rid of the GOLD THING.

So Dionysus told King Midas to go to the river Pactolus and have a swim in it and that that would take away his

And then he looked Midas RIGHT in the eyes and said that he needed to stop being so GREEDY and start making BETTER CHOICES.

And King Midas nodded loads and said he would and then he RAN all the way to the river and jumped in with his clothes on and he didn’t even take his sandals off first.

Then all of a sudden the water turned GLITTERY and SHIMMERY and King Midas just KNEW that it was the gold coming out of him.

So King Midas swam to the shore and touched a stone and nothing happened. And then he touched the foot of a god called Pan who was walking past and THAT didn’t turn to gold either.

So Midas shouted, “I’M FREE OF MY GOLD!”

And that’s when Gary interrupted me and said that he didn’t think King Midas having a GOLD TOILET SEAT had anything to do with him and that I hadn’t even mentioned any DONKEY EARS.

So that’s when I said that it had EVERYTHING to do with him and that I was JUST about to get to the DONKEY EARS bit if he could just be patient for ONCE in his entire life.

And then I explained that King Midas never learned ANYTHING from the whole GOLD THING and that he kept ON making bad choices until one of the Greek gods EVENTUALLY put a curse on him.

Then Gary went quiet and sat down again and I knew that it was because he was a bit worried about

So I explained that King Midas and the god Pan ended up becoming pals and that one day Pan asked Midas if he would be a judge for a talent show the GREEK GODS were having because they LOVED doing talent shows and they were always showing off and saying that they were better than each other, especially Zeus.

So anyway, all the Greek gods got up on stage and did loads of stuff like SINGING and WEIGHT LIFTING and WALKING LIKE A CRAB. And at the end of the talent show it was only PAN and APOLLO who were left and they were each meant to do a FINAL PERFORMANCE and then King Midas had to choose the winner.

But then before Apollo could even tune his guitar properly, King Midas said that he didn’t even need to HEAR him play because PAN was obviously the winner. And then King Midas jumped up and shook Pan’s hand and loads of confetti and balloons fell from the ceiling and the crowd cheered.

But Apollo was FURIOUS because he knew that HE should have won because he was at least

than Pan because he could play the electric guitar REALLY FAST and Pan could only play the recorder. And Apollo knew that King Midas and Pan were BEST FRIENDS and that that was obviously the reason King Midas had made him the winner.

So that’s when Apollo looked RIGHT at King Midas and yelled, “If you think Pan’s better than ME then your ears are obviously TOO SMALL TO HEAR WITH!”

Everyone

and looked at King Midas’s ears when Apollo said that. And, to be fair, even though King Midas got a bit upset and kept saying that he had PERFECTLY NORMAL-SIZED EARS loads of people agreed that they probably WERE a bit too small.

And then Apollo pointed his guitar at Midas and a CURSE came out of it and hit Midas RIGHT on the ears and turned his tiny king ears into long, floppy DONKEY’S EARS.

King Midas covered his ears with his hands and ran offstage and locked himself in the dressing room before anyone could see them.

And he got the shock of his LIFE when he looked into the mirror and saw his new ears because they were MASSIVE and GREY and HAIRY and the only thing King Midas actually liked about them was that they were so big that they made his nose look a bit smaller.

But then all of a sudden someone knocked on the changing-room door and King Midas started to

because he knew that if people knew about his ears that they would LAUGH at him and call him names like “BIG EARS” or “LONG LOBES” or “JIMMY JUG LUGS”.

So he ran to the costume cupboard and pulled out a SCARF and wrapped it around his giant ears and head like a TURBAN and it was actually his WIFE at the door and she said that she liked the king’s new TURBAN and that she liked it so much she thought he ALL THE TIME.

King Midas was REALLY happy when the queen said that because he was worried that if she ever saw his ears that she wouldn’t like him any more because she was really scared of HORSES and he knew that donkeys are basically just small horses.

So King Midas wore his turban every day and he even wore one to bed and no one in the whole of ANCIENT GREECE knew about his donkey ears.

But then one day King Midas was trying to make cereal for his breakfast and he poured SO much milk in the bowl that it went ALL OVER the table and the queen told him off a bit and said that he needed to get his FRINGE cut because it kept falling out of his turban and he obviously couldn’t see.

So King Midas phoned his hairdresser and managed to get an

after he told him about the CEREAL THING.

But then when he got there he realised that he was going to have to take his turban OFF and that his hairdresser was going to see his DONKEY EARS.

So that’s when King Midas asked his hairdresser if he could keep a

And his hairdresser put down his scissors and said, “I, ANTONIO” (because that was his name) “SWEAR ON ALL THE GREEK GODS THAT I WILL NEVER EVER TELL ANYONE YOUR SECRET EVER!”

And that made King Midas happy so he sat down and took a sip of his cappuccino and started to unwrap his turban.

But then as SOON as one of his big donkey ears flopped out Antonio GASPED and covered his mouth with both of his hands.

So King Midas reminded Antonio about how he had sworn on ALL THE GREEK GODS and Antonio nodded loads and started to cut King Midas’s fringe and tried not to think about the MASSIVE DONKEY EARS.

But then as soon as the king left, Antonio RAN out of the shop and all the way to the nearest field and dug a huge hole and then shouted the secret into it and then filled the hole back up with mud. And even though it made no sense at ALL to do that, it made Antonio feel a bit better because even though he had told King Midas that he was good at keeping secrets he really WASN’T and he didn’t want the GREEK GODS putting a CURSE on him too.

But as SOON as Antonio went off for his four o’clock appointment these really weird PLANTS started to grow out from the place where he had whispered the secret and then every time the WIND rustled them it sort of gave them the power to SPEAK (which is a bit creepy).

And the plants said, “King Midas has donkey’s ears! King Midas has donkey’s ears!”

And because the hole that Antonio had whispered the secret into was actually right next to the best KEBAB SHOP in all of ANCIENT GREECE, it wasn’t long before everyone knew King Midas’s hairy secret.

So that’s when I stood up straight and crossed my arms and looked at Gary Petrie and said, “Well?”

And he said, “Well what?”

And I said, “Do you think it’s maybe time to stop making

decisions, Gary? I think you’ve made ENOUGH of those this week, haven’t you??”

And Gary Petrie got a bit of a weird look on his face.

And I knew that he knew that I knew that HE was the one who had left the class hamster’s cage open and that it was HIS fault that Susan got out and that he should have told the truth instead of smiling and getting his photo taken with a certificate that Mr Killington had made for him that said he was a HERO.

And that’s when Gary said that he was feeling a bit UNWELL all of a sudden and that maybe someone else should do the judging.

I smiled and said that that sounded like a

because it did and also because I knew that that meant that we might still win. Then Gary asked Miss Jones if he could borrow the little mirror we know that she keeps in her bag that she uses to put her lipstick back on after lunch.

So Miss Jones asked him why he needed a mirror and Gary’s face went a bit red and he started pulling at one of his ears and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from laughing!