8

The Law of
Emotional Choice

Learning to be aware of feelings…
is an essential lifetime skill.

Joan Borysenko
author of Minding the Body, Mending the Mind

All wellness laws are not created equal.

There’s a hierarchy in our lives that governs our sense of satisfaction. The Law of Emotional Choice is near the top of the heap.

Emotional choice. We’re talking about our feelings.

Fear, anger, and guilt.

Happiness, contentment, and love.

They’re all part of the human experience. You can’t expect to prevent the negative feelings altogether. And you can’t expect to experience positive feelings all the time. Sometimes negative feelings are absolutely appropriate. The death of a loved one, for example, causes us to feel deeply sad. We need a period of mourning. Or perhaps we’ve been mistreated and someone is taking advantage of us. Anger follows. These responses are understandable, natural, and healthy.

The Law of Emotional Choice directs us to acknowledge our feelings but also to refuse to get stuck in the negative ones.

The Law of Emotional Choice reminds us not to let unexamined emotions become a “filter” that lets in only those experiences that confirm or reinforce our mood. We have the power of choice! This law encourages us to experience the full range of our emotions.

The Law of Unity introduced us to the concept that body, mind, and spirit work together. The concept of total wellness recognizes that our every thought, word, and behavior affects our greater health and well-being. And we, in turn, are affected not only emotionally but also physically and spiritually.

What? you ask. We are controlled by our emotions at the same time that our emotions are under our control? Precisely. This is a two-way street. It all works together.

Let’s fully understand the power of this law. Suppose I told you, “You know, you’re a great person. I really like you.” How would you feel? And how could you change what you feel?

Some people would be annoyed and suspicious: “Greg’s trying to flatter me. He must be trying to get something from me.” As we walk away, you feel anger. Other people may feel sad or guilty: “Forget it. Greg is just saying that to make me feel good. He doesn’t mean it.” And you leave our encounter a bit more depressed. If you’re feeling good about the compliment, you’re probably thinking, “Gee, Greg likes me. That’s great.” And you walk away a bit taller. In each example, the compliment, the external event, was the same. The difference was entirely due to the way you, the recipient, felt about it.

As far as changing what you feel, there’s the ever-present two-way emotional street. If, for example, we chose to make just one change in the way we accept a compliment, we could shift not only our emotional outlook but also our physiological and spiritual bearings. The Law of Emotional Choice is that powerful.

I don’t want to overlook those people who suffer from dementia and require treatment with medication; the Law of Minimal Medical Invasiveness is an important one, too. But let’s recognize there are cognitive strategies that can be put to use to alter moods and feelings. In fact, most people under medication do better when they also contribute to their own well-being by choosing to change.

Jane, a participant in our Total Wellness Program at an assisted living retirement community, was showing signs of early dementia. She complained of both depression and anxiety and came to us already taking the drug Xanax. Physically unable to climb stairs and cook for herself, Jane had recently given up her home. After the move, she became deeply depressed and overwhelmed by the changes in her life. She spent many hours each day sitting around and showed no interest in activities or visitors. She napped during the day but then couldn’t sleep at night. She wouldn’t exercise and asked for a walker.

Jane agreed to enter the program. She committed herself to a program of daily exercise — in itself a major benefit since it broke the pattern of her inertia. She started to socialize, talking to others, learning that they, too, were afraid.

The more Jane reached out to others in the program, the less anxious and depressed she felt. Her appetite increased, and she gained a much-needed ten pounds. Today Jane has a greatly increased ability to cope with life and looks forward to the future with a new sense of enthusiasm. She chose wellness.

The Law of Emotional Choice often flies in the face of traditional counseling and psychotherapy in that it says that knowing the origins of our negative patterns or early emotional conditioning is not essential to changing the way we feel about ourselves!

Take, for example, depression — the common cold of emotional problems. It encompasses a number of feelings including loss, defeat, discouragement, lack of energy, and hopelessness. Depressed people feel pessimistic. They view their future as bleak and themselves as worthless and inadequate.

The traditional, purely psychological approach would be to focus on how our past has made our present. But what if we simply decided to do something to change our mood? Those who look within, who sincerely ask themselves why they feel down and what they can do to change their mood — for example, can they attempt to view the situation differently, exercise, go for a walk in the sun, begin a new project, or extend themselves in the service of another person? — will do wonders in overcoming depression.

“I spent eight years in therapy,” said Gloria, a nursing-home administrator. “The only thing that improved was my therapist’s bank account. It was awful. I quit when she insisted my low self-esteem was related to childhood abuse by my father. I decided I wouldn’t focus on the past. Instead, I started to exercise every day. I believe exercise, more than anything else, changed my emotional outlook. In a real sense, I chose my emotions.”

Look at the progression. Different behavior leads to different thoughts, which leads to different results. Body influences mind, which influences spirit. Any proposed boundary between these elements is open to debate. They all work as one. They are all under our control.

It’s the Law of Emotional Choice. We can choose to become proactive.

Though so far I’ve talked mostly about depression, the law applies equally to some of the other, more powerful toxic emotions. Think about it: anger and hostility are literally killers. Anger is the intense but fleeting emotion directed at someone or something. Look at the newspaper: anger leads to violence every day. Hostility is the more global result of hanging on to one’s anger. Hostility has been described as anger turned into resentment. It shows up as opposition, resistance, and antagonism. It’s a very difficult way to live and contrary to all the laws of wellness.

Chronic hostility springs from the mind. Constant boil-overs boil down to a deep-seated cynical mistrust of others. The supermarket checker — you automatically reason without a shred of evidence — was of course trying to rip you off when he rang up that can of orange juice twice. And that darned pedestrian taking forever to cross the street in front of your car — she just wants to make you wait. And you know why a co-worker got that plum assignment instead of you — the boss is out to get you! It all adds up to hostile resentment.

The Law of Emotional Choice does not imply that we’ll never know anger or hostility, nor does it suggest that we always have to be calm and take everything quietly. In fact, anger can be used purposefully: anger is energy that mobilizes us to change otherwise destructive situations.

But chronic hostility, often coupled with a fault-finding, basic mistrust of people, is an issue under our control. As with depression, when a person will sincerely attempt to use the Law of Emotional Choice in coping with hostility, help is near.

When we stop to ask ourselves questions like “Why am I so angry?” “Is my reaction really helpful?” “Is this the way I want to spend my time?” we shape a constructive response.

The heart of the Law of Emotional Choice is to take personal responsibility for our moods. Simple things, like taking a walk or renting a funny movie, are, for the vast majority of people, not manifestations of classic denial. Rather, they are the very stuff that changes moods. Of course, if we have been depressed or rabid with anger for several weeks, and all efforts to overcome this mood have failed, it is then wise to seek professional counsel.

But the Law of Emotional Choice challenges us to ask ourselves if it is realistic to respond to the situation differently. Instead of sitting in our darkened room, maybe it’s time to get out and walk in the fresh air. Instead of focusing on what goes into and comes out of our bodies, maybe it’s time to extend ourselves, to help someone else. Instead of holding on to a burning coal of resentment, maybe it’s time to forgive. In the simplest terms, instead of giving in to our lack of energy or the desire to do nothing or the urge to seek revenge, maybe it’s time to do something different.

Even chronic fear and crippling anxiety can be positively influenced by the Law of Emotional Choice. Healthy fears alert us to danger and keep us safe from troubles. But constant anxiety comes from grossly distorted thoughts that have little or no basis in reality. Those thoughts can paralyze us.

Again, long-term psychoanalysis is probably not required. Fears that paralyze amount to false evidence appearing real. We “awfulize,” if you will, imagining outcomes at their worst. We avoid confronting our fears. The more we avoid fear, the more it captures our entire being.

The best way to confront fears and anxieties is to invoke the Law of Emotional Choice. Face the fear. Do something about it. Push through it. Go for it! “When I walked off that airplane,” said Tiffany, a nineteen-year-old college freshman who was paralyzed at the idea of flying, “it was as if I’d won a gold medal. I did it!”

The person who will face the fear or anxiety and act, even in some small, positive way, is exercising the Law of Emotional Choice. This is wellness at its finest. For not only will the choice likely dissipate the fear, it will also build the needed self-confidence that will unlock many more of the gifts of life.

Consistently exercising the Law of Emotional Choice builds an inner strength that is unshakable. This is self-esteem of the best and highest order. Now we accurately measure ourselves and our limitless potential. We come to a recognition that we are divinely inspired and have wondrous abilities. A new spirit suffuses our very being. A brighter self-image influences our moods, our behavior, and ultimately our entire life. Our heart can smile again.

If all the laws of wellness were ranked by popularity, few would receive more votes. The winner? The non-negotiable Law of Emotional Choice.