Do unto others as you
would have others do unto you.
— The Golden Rule
Too many people go through life always trying to be winners. “I’m going to win if it’s the last thing I do,” they say. The relationship toll of this pathway is very, very high.
There is a better way: the Law of Win/Win. This law must be understood within the context of four paradigms of social interaction.
One model is win/lose: “If I win, you lose.” In sports, for instance, only one team or one player wins; the other loses. In relationships we think along the same lines: “If you get your way, I don’t get mine.” Winning, by definition, creates losers. Or so we think.
Comparisons are at the heart of the win/lose mentality. Two children in the same family are pitted against one another with phrases like “Your sister is a lot smarter than you.” Most sales incentive programs are set up so that only the top people “win,” even if others also do exceptionally well. These dynamics create win/lose environments that ultimately undermine an organization. By grading on the curve, teachers interpret an individual student’s value by comparing him or her to everyone else, not to his or her own ability. With a model like this, we all lose.
What the win/lose model communicates is that a person has value only in comparison with somebody else or against some expectation. But most of life does not operate that way. Most results depend on cooperation, not competition. Win/lose has but limited value in relationships and must be strictly limited to low-trust situations.
Another model of social interaction is lose/win: “I will lose so that you can win.” People who want peace at any price often adopt this attitude. They enter a relationship and are quick to please. They have minimal demands and low expectations.
Lose/win people tend not to express their own feelings and convictions, and they tend to be easily intimidated by others. Hoping to gain power from popularity and acceptance, they typically capitulate, giving in and giving up.
Many people with cancer have a deep streak of lose/win. I see this characteristic more in women than in men. Seeking to appease and rescue, they lay down their health, fulfilling the role model of giver. The cost is high in terms of resentment, despair, and repressed emotions.
Lose/win is not a strong position; it indulges others. But it cannot last for long. Self-sacrifice has limits that show early.
Lose/lose is a social model that is highly toxic. Typically lose/lose results when two high-powered win/lose people interact. Egos inflate. Wills rush to the fore. Both people say, “It must be done my way.” The result is lose/lose. Both will lose. Both people will want to win at all costs, to the point of blaming the other for any problem and then vowing to inflict some form of payback. Revenge has a high price; the execution of the self.
I recently met with a man who is experiencing metastatic prostate cancer. It’s now in his liver; the jaundice is severe. When I was with him he talked incessantly, always the adversary. He talked about the “son of a bitch who tried to back out of a real-estate deal.” He said he was going to “get him,” that he was “declaring war on that bastard.”
Lose/lose is the philosophy of the adversary. Trouble is, at the end of the day everyone is the victim.
Win/win is the state of mind and heart that constantly seeks to find the mutually beneficial position in all human relationships. When we’re into win/win, all people involved in a transaction not only support the decision but actually feel good about the plan and are committed to implementing it.
Win/win is a paradigm of cooperation, not competition; of allies, not adversaries. Win/win assumes that one’s person’s success will not be achieved at the expense of another.
The Law of Win/Win says, “Let’s not do it your way or my way; let’s do it the best way.”
In win/lose situations I may get my way on a particular issue with you, but your attitudes toward me and your trust in our relationship have been damaged. My short-term win turns into a long-term loss. In lose/win situations, we have the reverse. You may get what you want for the moment, but my attitude toward you will change. A focus on your win without any consideration of my needs has no future. Lose/lose is not viable in any context. It’s an Adolf Hitler approach to life that means everybody loses everything.
Let’s face it. In most of life we really are interdependent. We need each other. Staunch independence is an illusion, but heavy dependence isn’t healthy, either. The only position of long-term strength is interdependence: win/win.
I was recently invited to conduct a stress-management seminar for a group of salespeople at a division of a large pharmaceutical company. What I didn’t realize initially, the senior vice president of marketing soon made clear. He had recently had to tell his sales reps that their commissions were being cut. They saw the change as lose/win, with management — of course — coming out on top.
During an initial question-and-answer period, what began as a discussion of stress management quickly turned into a conflict-resolution workshop. The salespeople were furious, feeling deeply hurt and betrayed. We needed to come up with a win/win solution or mass revolt seemed likely.
It’s difficult for a person or a company to admit to being wrong. And it’s often unrealistic to expect such an admission. Framing issues in win/win terms is often the only real way to resolve conflict.
In the past, the management of this organization went out of its way to be generous in every way. Now, economics were forcing cost controls. The company was in real jeopardy.
In being honest, in telling the salespeople that the change in the commission structure was necessary to help bolster the stock price, management was able to create a deeper understanding. Now the salespeople could begin to see how the company’s health was in their best interest as well. A win/win situation.
I still work with this sales force. Progress has been made. We are now at the point of compromise, a lower form of win/win. Most important, the win/win mentality has started to permeate the organization, replacing win/lose scripts that had been in place for twenty years.
What’s different? The non-negotiable Law of Win/Win. As fundamental as this law is to human relationships, it is constantly violated. And the cost is high.
In order for win/win to work, it must be founded on strong personal character. In a word, we’re looking for trust. Trust is the essence of win/win. When present, it creates an atmosphere of open communication, a synergy of real creativity.
There are no shortcuts on the path of total wellness. Like it or not, personal social satisfaction comes only after the work of personal character development.
We’re talking about our personal involvement in relationships and in group settings — the very stuff most of life seems to be made of.
Sometimes it seems that all of life is a relationship. We have relationships with everything — from people to food to possessions, even to this book, and especially with ourselves.
The relationships we have with the world are largely determined by the relationships we have with ourselves. And that relationship is highly influenced by the relationships we had as children with the adults around us. Our childhood experiences still color our behavior today. Either we mirror the way adults reacted to us, or we react against it.
The only way we’ll change our relationships is to change ourselves. Whether our troubles are with a friend, lover, spouse, child, relative, boss, co-worker, or employee, when we see something we don’t like in another, what we see is a direct reflection of ourselves. It’s a look in the mirror. When we change our own patterns of relating, we find that the friend, spouse, child, or boss changes too.
The trouble comes when we start to lay blame. When we blame, we give away our power. When a child (or adult) says, “You make me mad,” the implicit assumption is “I’m mad but you have to change.” What happened to the control? For this situation to resolve itself, someone else has to change. The person with the problem has just rendered herself or himself powerless.
Let’s not give our considerable power away. Without power, we can never take responsibility for making the changes that improve our lives. Give away power and we become helpless victims.
There is a better way. It’s the Law of Win/Win.
A vibrant marriage is impossible without win/win as its centerpiece. Parenting is a nightmare without deep unconditional love and respect coupled with a win/win attitude. Friendships, school and community activities, philanthropy — all live or die around the Law of Win/Win.
But what if you commit yourself to the Law of Win/Win and your commitment is not reciprocated? Perhaps others haven’t even heard of win/win, or maybe they are deeply scripted in win/lose.
It’s now time for a test. Win/win isn’t always the easiest achievement, especially in the short term. But if one, just one person in the relationship will make the statement and keep the position that he or she will seek a mutually beneficial solution, we will always come out better than if we had kept silent.
We must stay longer in the communication process. We must express ourselves with greater courage. At the same time, we must listen more carefully and in greater depth. Win/win means we strive for understanding first. We seek to be understood second.
The essence of wellness in difficult relationships is to become an example for the other person. Keep communication lines open until the other person begins to realize that you genuinely want to resolve the issue in a way that is truly win/win for both. When we do this, we succeed in ways we never before imagined.
The Law of Win/Win hinges on this process. First understand, then be understood, and strive for mutual benefit. The more committed we are to genuinely, sincerely giving ourselves to the mutually beneficial outcome, the more powerful our influence on the other person will be. Win/win goes beyond finding a “solution” and toward committing all parties to a higher way. Now we can see that each of us will get more of what he or she wants by going for what it is that we both want.
That’s transformation! That’s a new, “weller” life. That’s the non-negotiable Law of Win/Win.