The mind is its own place,
and in itself
can make a heaven of Hell,
a hell of Heaven.
— John Milton
Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention. The good news is that we can choose.
Welcome to the non-negotiable Law of Mindfulness.
Part of my work takes me into an assisted-living retirement community on a weekly basis. One of the residents, a woman named Florence, has severe arthritis and constantly complains that she can’t walk.
But the fact is, she can walk — some days with the help of a cane or a walker, other days on her own. To be sure, she is slower than she was in her youth, but she still has the capacity to walk.
I commented to her, very carefully and gently, that her problem was not an inability to walk. It seemed to me she was making her life miserable because she couldn’t let go of wishing she could walk as easily as before.
As soon as Florence’s mind had begun relating to her intense desire for things to be different, life for her had become miserable. She had felt overwhelmed by self-pity, anger, and fear. Florence and I tried to identify what she might be able to do to break out of that thinking pattern and learn to live with her impaired ability to walk. Florence was guardedly receptive.
Florence had trapped herself in self-made prison — always wishing for things to be different. It’s a jail of the highest and most effective order and is a sure formula for intense suffering. In fact, a constant longing for life to be different is an excellent definition of suffering. We undermine our life process in this constant longing for things to be different. Desiring things we don’t have, or endlessly worrying about the things we do have, absolutely contaminates all the good with which we are blessed.
This unsatisfiable wish for things to be different is at the very heart of mindlessness. Its opposite is embodied in the Law of Mindfulness.
One of my favorite activities is listening to music. I love to hook up the headphones, put on a great piece of music, and turn up the volume. I become lost in the experience.
My attention is fully with the orchestra or vocalist. I feel exuberant. Other thoughts fade away. I’m living in the moment. My mind is happy and at peace.
This seems to last a maximum of about fifteen or twenty minutes. Then my mind kicks in: “You’ve got work to do. You’ve been promising to fix the garage door for two months. And you need to prepare for the presentation next week in Houston. What about your commitment to spend more time with the family?
“And how are you doing on funding Erica’s college education? Hey, fella. How can you sit here wasting your time and your life listening to music? Get busy!”
What happened? Mindlessness. No longer in the moment, my mind is off and running. Does this ever happen to you? Of course it does, daily.
Mindfulness means being truly present with life and allowing it to unfold without judging it. This does not mean one does not set, move toward, and achieve goals. But it means that the actual achievement is secondary to the moment-to-moment experience of pursuing the goals. That requires a massive change in attitude.
A true story. My father-in-law visits. He notices the furnace isn’t kicking out air like it should and suggests we have a look at the blower.
There are few things I dislike more in life than chores around the home. Yard work? Forget it. Painting? Not me. Furnace maintenance? No way. But here I am, prone on the basement floor, receiving instructions from my father-in-law on how to disconnect the blower belt.
All the time the thoughts are racing through my mind. “Why am I doing this? Greg, you promised yourself you wouldn’t do this sort of thing. Hell, it was Dad’s idea. Why doesn’t he do it?”
My anger builds with every turn of the wrench. “How did I let myself get hooked into this?” Finally, the belt comes off. As I pull out, a belch emits from the air duct. Black soot is everywhere. I cough. I spit. I’m covered. I’m furious.
At this point, there are several choices. But my rage blinds me. I hear myself yelling, “Look at this mess you got me in.” The only thing I could see was disaster.
The Law of Mindfulness reminds us to focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it. Become aware of all that is here now, and enjoy it. While this guideline may pose a real challenge to many type-A personalities, it’s the essence and power of the Law of Mindfulness.
Mindfulness means finding the incredible in the commonplace. Being fully present with our food as we eat — really savoring it, really tasting the fresh basil over the pasta rather than thinking about other things — is an example of mindfulness.
The Law of Mindfulness asks us to discipline and train our minds to let go of worries and desires, returning to these concerns when the actual moment has come to do something about them. In this way we can know happiness.
My wife saved the day in my furnace-fixing adventure. She heard the ruckus, came downstairs, and burst into laughter. In less than a minute, she had everyone laughing at the absurd scene. She helped me realize I had many choices. My response did not have to be dictated by some mindless rage.
The Law of Mindfulness draws our consciousness to a central choice: we have the power to determine what we focus our attention on. Will it be the half of the glass that is empty or the half of the glass that is full? In that choice lies either suffering or contentment.
The Law of Mindfulness would have us understand the difference between reasons and results. When we don’t have what we truly want in life — that is, the results — we usually have a long list of perfectly understandable reasons why. The mindless approach here is to focus again and again on the “reasonable reasons” that things aren’t as we would choose.
The Law of Mindfulness suggests another approach. Stop the mindless wishing that things would be different. Rather than wasting time and emotional and spiritual energy in explaining why we don’t have what we want, we can start to pursue other ways to get it.
Even our first baby steps in the right direction are to be celebrated. Mindfulness says, “I will become aware of my thoughts, I will exercise my power to choose my thoughts, and I will choose thoughts that bring happiness and contentment.”
A friend of mine was in a tragic auto accident. She was bringing a carload of kids back from a basketball game when her car hit a patch of ice, went out of control, and slammed into a tree. Two of her daughter’s classmates riding in the car were killed.
Understandably, Cindy went into a deep depression. As she lay in the hospital, suffering from multiple fractures herself, the thought of suicide came to her mind again and again: “I couldn’t live with myself. How can you exist when you realize you are responsible for taking the lives of two young children?”
The cycle of “I’m at fault — I’m no good — I don’t deserve to live” intensified. Cindy could find no peace of mind. She was trapped.
Wisely, her doctor prescribed counseling. A psychiatrist agreed to work with Cindy on becoming mindful. “Just be” was the advice from her more-experienced guide. Together they worked on calming her mind by having her center on her breathing. Cindy would let out a sigh of release. Then she would focus her attention on her breathing. She would “just be” as she concentrated her thoughts on a breath in and a breath out.
As Cindy’s mind wandered, she learned to simply observe and follow those thoughts. Her guide helped her distinguish between negative thoughts, neutral thoughts, and nurturing thoughts.
Cindy’s negative thoughts were typically regrets like “Why didn’t I go slower that night?” and “Why couldn’t I have died instead of the kids?” They got a rise out of Cindy every time, producing thoughts of guilt and shame. Most of these thoughts came automatically. Much of her time was spent locked in this mindless and destructive trap.
Cindy also discovered she had another group of thoughts: “Should I try my physical therapy?”; “I wonder what’s on television.” These thoughts would come and go frequently and didn’t seem to matter all that much. They were the neutral thoughts.
Then Cindy discovered a third type of thought, the nurturing kind. While these thoughts did not come automatically, they were very helpful. She learned she could choose those thoughts — actively seek out and find a mind-set that would support her greater well-being.
Her favorite nurturing thought was “The Lord is my shepherd.” This reflected her early childhood religious training and was a source of great comfort to her. Cindy progressed and found she could “catch” her thoughts as they drifted toward the negative. Then she would substitute a thought that would nourish. And she would visualize in her mind’s eye being protected by a shepherd.
As Cindy became more skilled at this, she was amazed to discover that her depression and suicidal thoughts did not spring full-blown from nowhere. There were certain patterns she fell into that kept her thoughts of suicide going. When she learned to control her thoughts, her chronic depression disappeared.
This is a perfect demonstration of the Law of Mindfulness. It is possible to break the automatic cycle. And when we do, we know wellness on a higher level.
Mindfulness means being really present with a hundred simple daily activities. It’s an openness to the experience of taking a walk, really listening to the birds, feeling the gravel underfoot, hearing the wind through the pines.
When I am home, my daily walk takes me by a day-care center. Parents bring their kids early, and many youngsters head right for the huge sandbox. It’s a joy to spend a moment watching them. The experience of the sand and the shovels and the pails is all fresh and new to the children, every day. Mindfulness would have us see that freshness and newness in our own daily life experiences.
Ultimately, we want the mind to become our servant rather than our master. It can become just that as we become aware of our thoughts in the present moment and make simple efforts to choose them.
Choose where you focus, and focus on thoughts that nurture. Concentrate on what you have, not what you’ve lost. You’ll see the results in your health and your life.
It’s all part of the non-negotiable Law of Mindfulness.