Baldo! Baldo! Baldo! Baldo! WAH!
WAH!
Yay!
[Shrill whistle.]
Pretty boy!
Bob! Bob! Bow!
Bob! Bob! Bow!
Yay!
[Shrill whistle.]
Pretty boy!
Bow!
Happy!
Bow!
Yay!
Look! Look!
Jingle ‘bell’!
[Baldo jingles his bell.]
Tra-lah!
Baldo jingle ‘bell’!
Yay!
H-A-P-P-Y!
H-A-P-P-Y!
Jingle!
[Another jingle.]
Look! Look! Look!
See? See?
Bounce! Bounce!
‘Sun’ in ‘cage’!
Yay!
‘Sun’ in ‘cage’!
Yay!
Bask in ‘sun’!
Joy!
Preen in ‘sun’!
*Joy!*
R-r-r-r-r-uffle feathers!
Brreuuagh!
Blink! Blink in ‘sun’!
Bask in ‘sun’!
Preen in ‘sun’!
Happy! Happy! Happy ‘sun’!
Rock, rock, rock.
Happy!
Yawn.
[One eye closed.]
Bird ‘smile’.
[Other eye closed.]
Bird ‘smile’.
Aaaah!
Happy moment!
Silence.
Hup! Eh? Whassat?
[Eyes fly open.]
Alarm!
Eh?
[Twizzle head.]
Whassat?!
Eh?
Where’d ‘sun’ go?
Where’d ‘sun’ …?
Urgh!
It’s Bitch! Bitch is blocking ‘sun’!
Raaaughh!
Baldo rage!
Bitch is blocking ‘sun’!
Raaaughh!
[Bounce!]
Double rage!
Eh?
Whassat?
[Bounce! Bounce! Bounce! Bounce!]
‘*** *** * ****** *** **** ** *****, Baldo? Hmmn?
** ** * ****** *** **** ** ***** *** ***, ** ****?
***** * ***** *** ******** *** ***, ** ***?’
[‘Are you a little bit warm in there, Baldo? Hmmn?
Is it a little bit warm in there for you, my love?
Shall I close the curtains for you, my boy?]
Eh?
Eh?!
What Bitch do?
What Bitch done?
Where ‘sun’ go?
Baldo want ‘sun’!
BALDO WANT… WANT …
BALDO WANT SSSSS … HAPPY!
AAARRGH!
Baldo RAGE!
Why no ‘sun’? Eh?
Where Bitch …?
[Bounce! Bounce! Bounce! Bounce!]
Eh?
[Anxious head tip.]
WAH!
WAH!
[Bounce! Bounce! Bounce! Bounce!]
Brief pause.
Hmmn. Why Bitch move ‘table’?
What Bitch do?
Brreeeuugh!
[Feather ruffle.]
[Disquiet.]
Why Bitch move ‘table’?
Baldo hates change!
Hates, hates change!
WAH!
WAH!
Where ‘sun’ go?
[Bounce! Bounce!]
WAH!
Baldo itch! Baldo itch! Baldo itch!
Scratch. Scratch.
[Frenzied scratching.]
‘*** ** **** ***** **** *** ******* ** ***** *********, Baldo. *** ********* **** **** *******. *** ** * good boy *** *****, Baldo. ** **********! ****! ******! **! ** *********! **** ****!
** **** …’
Voice fades.
[‘Now I’m just going into the hallway to fetch something, Baldo. It’s something very, very special. You be a good boy for Mummy, Baldo. No scratching! Okay! Enough! No! No scratching! Stop that!
I’m just …’]
Voice fades.
Eh?
[Head tip –
Inches short way up perch. Peers towards door –
Head tip.]
Eh?
‘****! **** ** **! *** **** ***** *** ***** ** *** * *** ******* ** *** *** ***********. *** * *** ******** ***** *** *** *****. *** **** … ***** ** ** … ** ** *** *****. Ooops! **** * ***** *** ** *** ***** ****! *****. ****.
***** *** ***** **** *****, ****** Baldo? Hmmn? ***. ** ** **** ********. *** ** **. *** *** **** *********. **** ***** ***** ** ** *******. *****. ****. *** *** **** *** *** *** **** * *** ** *** … Phew! **** *** ******* **** * *******. ******** **!’
Voice fades.
[‘Okay! Here we go! I’ll just leave the cloth on for a few minutes to let him acclimatize. He’s a bit stressed after the car drive. I’ll just … There we go … on to the table. Ooops! Hope I didn’t tip up the water bowl! Right. Good.
How’re you doing over there, little Baldo? Hmmn? Yes. It is very exciting. Yes it is. But it’s only temporary. Only while Alice is in Majorca. Right. Good. Now I’ll just pop off and make a cup of tea … Phew! That was heavier than I thought. Gracious me!’]
Voice fades.
Eh?
Eh?
[Head tip.
Shifts on perch.
Head tip at other angle.
Crest rises.
Eyes new object on table.
Crest lowers.
Slight muttering under breath.
Disquiet.
BIG feather ruffle.]
BEEEUUURRRGH!
Silence.
[Baldo closes his eyes and attempts to regain his equilibrium.
Baldo listens to the sounds from the kitchen.
Kettle boiling.
Baldo waits, impatiently, for the whistle.
Then …
Small cough from new object!]
Eh?!
[Baldo’s eyes fly open.]
‘Namaste!’
[Sound from inside new object!]
‘Ksama Kijie!’
[‘Excuse me!’]
Pause.
(Baldo is an African Grey Parrot, hailing from four previous generations bred in captivity. He is not fluent in Hindi.)
‘Hullo! Hullo!’
Pause.
‘Madad!’
[‘Help!’]
[Shrill whistle – from object –
Followed by …
Kettle whistle – from kitchen, pitched on a comparable metronomic scale.]
‘Lor ’av Mercee! Merimdarane luvlee vali nav sarpaminom se bhari hain!’
[‘Lord have Mercy! My lovely hovercraft is full of eels!’]
Silence.
WAH!
Crump.
[Baldo falls off his perch.]