Since today is HM the Queen’s unofficial birthday, I know that you will want me not only to wish her many happy unofficial returns on all our behalfs, but also to take this opportunity to reply to those countless thousands of you who wrote to me regarding the recent Buckingham Palace statement that the Queen was exempt, ‘by reason of her special position’, from the law requiring her subjects to wear a rear seatbelt. Were there, you clamoured to learn, any other special dispensations which Her Majesty alone enjoyed?
The reason that I have not replied earlier is because, not surprisingly, there turned out to be a huge amount of painstaking research involved; but I’m delighted to tell you that I am now, at last, in a position to publish in the national interest what I hope with all my heart is a usefully informative – if by no means comprehensive – list.
When not travelling by car, for example, Her Majesty is uniquely entitled to stand upstairs on buses. Should she spit, however, she is liable to the same fine as anyone else, although she would, of course, be given time to pay. On trains, she is allowed to smoke in the lavatories, but not cigars or pipes. She may also lean out of the window without penalty, except on InterCity routes. On the London Underground, she may not go up a down escalator, or vice versa, but she is allowed to jump over the barrier if she hears her Tube train coming, provided she has a valid ticket for the journey. When flying, she is not permitted to get up before the plane has come to a complete halt, but she does not have to take care when opening the overhead lockers. She is, of course, allowed to lean her bicycle against shop windows.
Sport, as you might expect, is a somewhat more complex juridical area for Her Majesty. When bowling, she is permitted to deliver more than one bouncer per over – except in one-day matches – but she is nevertheless required to observe current ECB dress codes and not wear a headscarf when batting or fielding. She can be given out lbw, but never stumped, and in the unfortunate event of a run out, it is her partner who must surrender his wicket, irrespective of fault. As to football, the Queen is allowed, when playing in goal, to move before a penalty is struck, and would not normally be sent off for bad language, unless violence were involved. In rugger, she does not need to call for a mark or leave the field when bleeding, and in tennis she may abuse her racket as much as she likes. In athletic competition, she is allowed four attempts at the high jump and, when throwing the hammer, to put one foot, but not both, outside the circle. The Queen is also uniquely permitted to carry a spare baton in the 4 x 400 relay, in case she drops one. In snooker, she is permitted to pot the six remaining colours in any order she chooses. Should her opponent go down during a boxing match, Her Majesty is not required to walk to a neutral corner.
She is allowed to busk on her highway, but not in public houses which do not have a music licence. In zoos (with the exception of Whipsnade), Her Majesty is permitted to feed the animals.
When it comes to shopping, the Queen is allowed to go through the checkout marked ‘6 items or less’ with 7 items or more, but no special dispensation applies in regard to taking the trolley from the premises. In Post Offices, staff may not ask her to go to the next counter, and in petrol stations she does not have to switch off the engine while filling up, though she must take the cigarette out of her mouth. She is allowed to bring her dog into foodshops, but if it widdles against anything, she is not exempt from prosecution, provided a notice to that effect is prominently displayed.
Should, however, a notice be prominently displayed in any public place stating that bill stickers will be prosecuted, Her Majesty may safely ignore this, just as she may with impunity disregard any injunction to leave these premises as she would wish to find them. She is not, mind, exempt from the law in the matter of spraying graffiti, and if told to use the footbath before entering a public swimming pool, she is legally obliged to comply. She is allowed to drop litter only in the royal parks, but may walk on the grass wherever she takes a fancy to do so.
And finally, when driving – in addition to the seatbelt dispensation with which we began all this – Her Majesty is also allowed to hoot after 11 pm, and overtake in the Blackwall Tunnel. If she were to park on a double-yellow line, however, her car would be liable to be towed away, but only by a peer of the realm, with a silken rope.