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The Gospel According to St Durham

. . . and Jesus went forth, and saw a great multitude, and was moved by compassion toward them, and he healed the sick with the blue mould that he had scraped off the five loaves that he had brought.

15  And when it was evening, his disciples came to him, saying, Shut the surgery, none of these people has an appointment anyhow, send them away that they may go into the villages and buy themselves some victuals.

16  But Jesus said unto them, They need not depart; give ye them to eat.

17  And they said unto him, We have here but two loaves and five fishes.

18  And Jesus said, It is five loaves and two fishes, for the umpteenth time, why does everyone always get that wrong, two loaves and five fishes would be tricky, but five loaves and two fishes is a doddle, we could even cut off the crusts.

19  And he took the two fishes, and he hung them over the fire a little while.

20  And his disciples marvelled, saying, What is this miracle that thou art performing now?

21  And he said unto them, It is called smoked salmon, you slice it very thin and you put it on titchy pieces of bread, you would not credit the number of people you can cater for, it will change the face of bar mitzvahs as we know them.

22  And lo! The miracle of the canapé was done, and the disciples went around with twelve trays, and the multitude said, Terrific, but what about the little slices of lemon?

23  And Jesus said unto them, Look up into the trees, and the people were amazed, for they had never realised that the things in the trees were lemons, they had only ever seen lemons in slices at catered functions.

24  And they that had eaten were about five thousand men, beside women and children and gatecrashers who had pretended to be distant relatives on the bride’s side.

25  And straightaway Jesus constrained his disciples to get into a ship, and to go before him unto the other side, while he sent the multitudes away, and he went up into a mountain apart to pray.

26  But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves; for the wind was contrary.

27  And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.

28  And when the disciples saw him, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.

29  But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I and this is the breaststroke, be not afraid.

30  And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

31  And Jesus said, You do your legs like a frog and you push with your hands, but the main thing is not to panic.

32  And Peter was come down out of the ship, and walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord save me.

33  And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, if thou hadst merely turned upon thy back and not panicked, thou wouldst have floated, it is simple hydrodynamics, one day all Jews will swim, personally I blame Moses, parting the Red Sea was just molly-coddling people.

34  And the disciples gazed upward, fearing that the clouds would part and a great finger would come down and poke their boat, because the Red Sea plan had been God’s idea in the first place.

35  But that did not happen; instead, the wind ceased, probably because God had conceded the point. And they that were in the ship came and worshipped Jesus, saying, Of a truth thou art the Son of God.

14 And after the miracle of the smoked salmon, Jesus was much in demand at big affairs.

2  And the third day thereafter, there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee; and the mother of Jesus was there.

3  And both Jesus was called, and his disciples, to the marriage. And the disciples murmured amongst themselves, saying, Wonder what it’ll be this time, five cocktail sticks and two little sausages? The miracle of the croquette potato?

4  But it was the wine, this time, and when they wanted wine, the mother of Jesus said unto him, They have no wine.

5  Jesus said unto her, Woman, what have I to do with thee? Mine hour is not yet come.

6  But his mother replied in this wise, saying, Who is talking about hours being come, this is no big deal, this is just one of your smart tricks with the wine, so that I am not ashamed of the son that I have borne, his catering is already a house-hold word all over.

7  And Jesus said, Trick?

8  And his mother said, All right, miracle. And she said unto the servants, Whatsoever he saith unto you, do it.

9  And there were set there six water-pots of stone, after the manner of the purifying of the Jews, containing two or three firkins apiece.

10  Jesus said unto the servants, Fill the water-pots with water. And they filled them up to the brim.

11  And he turned to his disciples and he said, What kind of people throw a big function but do not lay on wine?

12  And Simon Peter said, How about people who never drink wine, Lord?

13  And Jesus said, Right in one, verily are there no flies on thee, Simon Peter, brother of Andrew. Thus shall the water be drawn from these water-pots and we shall pass among the guests with the cups, saying in this wise, It is a naive domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you’ll be amused by its presumption.

14  And he said unto the servants, Draw out now, and bear unto the governor of the feast. And they bore it.

15  And his disciples moved among the multitude, and very soon vast numbers in that multitude were saying, No more for me, it goeth straight to my head, and Good colour, lasts well, a plucky little wine, if a trifle farmyard, and Perhaps not quite forward enough yet, but well worth laying down a case or two.

15 After this there was a feast of the Jews: and Jesus went up to Jerusalem.

2  Now there is at Jerusalem by the sheep market a pool, which is called in the Hebrew tongue Bethesda, having five porches.

3  And a certain man was there, which had an infirmity, waiting for the waters of the pool to be moved by an angel so that he might step in and be made whole.

4  Because that was the kind of crackpot superstition Jesus had to put up with all his working life.

5  When Jesus saw the man lie, and knew that he had been a long time in that case, he said unto him, Wilt thou be made whole?

6  Because Jesus had been around, and he had learned a thing or two about psychosomasis; and he knew that wilt was half the battle.

7  And the man answered him, Sir, I was at this wedding at Cana a few days back, and they had this really good stuff there, I must have put away a firkin and I have this mother and father of all hangovers, my legs are like unto rubber, plus shooting pains all over.

8  And Simon Peter said unto Jesus, You were not wrong about the psychosomatic stuff, Lord. Wilt thou tell him, or shall I?

9  And Jesus said, You are only my registrar, this is a job for the consultant.

10  And straightaway he told the man about the water at Cana.

11  And the man said unto him Art thou serious?

12  Jesus said unto him, Rise, take up thy bed, and walk.

13  And immediately the man was made whole, and took up his bed, and walked: and on the same day was the Sabbath.

14  Therefore the Jews said unto him that was cured, It is the sabbath day: it is not lawful for thee to carry thy bed.

15  He answered them, He that made me whole, the same said unto me, Take up thy bed, and walk.

16  Then asked they him, What man is that which said unto thee take up thy bed and walk on the Sabbath?

17  And he answered them, saying: A doctor.

18  And the Jews said, A qualified man? That’s different.