SLEEP WITH THE FISHES
THE TEN BEST PLACES TO FIND
YOUR SPIRIT ANIMAL

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no human being is complete without his or her spirit animal. Abraham Lincoln was just “that rather tall and serious-looking man over there” before he met Oswald the Chipmunk (a charming and perceptive animal whom our history textbooks have sadly neglected). And without her rambunctious parakeet Hernan (later known as “Bags”), Lady Gaga was just Stefani Germanotta. The precedent has therefore been set: You need to find your spirit animal, and you need to find it now. So take a breath, take your time, and choose wisely—because spirit animals, like face tattoos, are forever.

Many people have noted the ways in which Pullman’s trilogy—which includes The Golden Compass, The Subtle Knife, and The Amber Spyglass—resembles C.S. Lewis’s The Chronicles of Narnia (both stories originate in a wardrobe, for instance), but Pullman has always been very critical of Lewis, and the contrast between the two authors is obvious when you look at the animals they celebrate: In The Chronicles of Narnia there’s really only one, Aslan, whereas in The Golden Compass, each human character gets her own “dæmon,” which doesn’t take on a fixed form until the character becomes an adult. Pullman’s trilogy also includes armored polar bears (which is rad), and overall, it represents the state of the art in spirit animalia.

This book, based on the hugely popular blog of the same name, is probably the only reason why anyone in America knows what a nudibranch looks like or why a silky hen is hilarious (the answer is because it looks like “David Bowie meets Tim Burton meets Colonel Sanders,” and because “CHICKENS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO COCAINE”). It is essential for anyone who loves or despises animals, and for the Tibetan fox, who would otherwise have no idea how very superior he looks. Sometimes you need to look in the mirror, Tibetan fox. Sometimes we all do.

The first Babe was simple, sweet-hearted, and magical. It was about a “sheep-pig” who won a sheep-herding competition and saved his owner’s farm. This sequel is profound, sad, chaotic, and beautiful. It has almost nothing to do with the original, but it does have: two of the most poignant slow-motion scenes you’ll ever see (one of which involves Mickey Rooney in a clown suit), a dog in a wheel chair, singing mice, the best animal performances on this side of Meerkat Manor, profound mediations on life, death, and an animal’s “nature,” and, once again, the immortal phrase “That’ll do, Pig.” Excuse me for saying so, but if you are looking for a spirit animal with real heart, this movie’ll do, Pig; this movie’ll do.

Are you more than casually interested in sensitive and articulate British animals? Of course you are! And lucky for you, between sensitive moles, paternal badgers, reckless toads, and a wide assortment of weasels, ferrets, and stoats, author Kenneth Grahame captured a sizable chunk of human nature. Most of the animals are rodents, so that may be a problem for some, but for normal people with normal problems who aren’t afraid of the occasional weasel, these animals have a lot to offer. They also wear very handsome tweed clothes.

So if you’re not interested in having a rabbit for your spirit animal then you should skip ahead right now, because Watership Down is rabbits and nothing but (one seagull aside). That being said, these rabbits are also deeply human: They’ve got a language and a culture all their own, and when their survival is threatened, they dig deep (sometimes literally). The book’s publishing history is almost as charming as the book itself. Author Richard Adams came up with the idea after his daughters begged him to tell a story on a long car ride, and it was turned down by 13 publishers before it was finally published and became a huge international bestseller.

Things that dogs can do: herd sheep, detect hypoglycemia in humans, dance a mean salsa (thanks, internet), and parade majestically around the Westminster Dog Show, despite having names like “Rumpus Bumpus” and “Lafford Fly Me Too Farleysbane” (aka “Dave”). Things that dogs cannot do: say no to butts and stop charming humans. So why fight it? I mean, they may all be part of the same species, but you’re still spoiled for choice. Chihuahuas star in poorly reviewed comedies and look down on the world from celebrity purses, whereas mastiffs were formerly war dogs. They were dogs that fought in human wars! If Rambo had a spirit animal, it would definitely be a mastiff. A mastiff named “Bullets” (because bullets is what Bullets eats). I say again: Mastiffs fought in wars, and they look like dinosaurs. Mastiffs for the win.

And speaking of dinosaurs, are you kidding me?! This movie isn’t actually very relevant to the spirit animal discussion, but man alive! They made 13 movies about the land before time? Was there ever a time before The Land Before Time? Also: If someone makes 13 Land Before Time movies, is that person ¹²/13ths crazy, or ¹/13th dinosaur? I may not be able to answer these questions, but I do know this: If you do ever try to make 13 movies about a land before time, you will definitely go out of business. RIP: Universal Animation Studios.

Whether he’s making an American Express commercial or a feature film, Wes Anderson is always likely to include slow-motion tracking shots, British rock, and small but poignant gestures. He likes what he likes (the FUTURA font, for instance), and he is, above all else, in control. But people are notoriously hard to control, and that’s why it made sense when, in 2009, Anderson made the move to animation. The Life Aquatic included some cartoon elements, but it was still a live-action, live-human movie, whereas The Fantastic Mr. Fox is entirely animated. There are no human beings left here, and thus Wes Anderson is now in total control of not only the music and the scene-setting and the art, but also every little gesture and tic. It might not be Anderson’s best or deepest movie, but it’s totally charming, and it even includes a climax where possums, foxes, otters, and badgers take advantage of their unique skills to overcome long odds (so in a way, it’s a superhero movie). Also, how many inspirational speeches include a brief course in Latin?!

In this recent update of Jim Henson’s profoundly charming franchise, the Muppets’ spirit— which had gone wandering in recent years—has finally returned. So go ahead, press play on the “Rainbow Connection” scene, close your eyes, and by the time the song ends, I have little doubt that you’ll have found your true self, your Muppet manifestation. (And if what you see when you open your eyes is a flashback to Doc Hopper—the villain from the original Muppet movie—then god help you, you horrible, Muppet-murdering monster. I will see you in Hell [and the Muppets most certainly will not].)

If you want to make a really informed decision about your spirit animal, then this is the place to go. Planet Earth is our planet, Earth, but more so: with llamas that spit more spitefully, salmon that swim upstream more desperately, and birds of paradise that flaunt their plumage even more coquettishly. And that’s without even mentioning the great white sharks. In Planet Earth, instead of just, like, hanging out at the top of the food chain, these toothy cannonballs go flying out of the ocean to catch whole seals in their mouths and then mug at the camera like, “What now, humanity!” before plunging back into the underwater melee.

So in choosing your spirit animal, you would do well to recall that if you’re not the predator, then you’re probably the prey. Planet Earth is out to kill, and cuteness is not a viable form of self-defense.