Chapter Three

 

 

Jax looked out at the tiny cabin in front of him. River’s Jeep was open aired, it not being cold enough to put the “top up,” as she’d explained. When winter came she would put the hard top on the vehicle, but until then she liked the open air.

He did, too. God, he loved it. He loved the way she drove and the fact that he could turn his head up and see a million stars blinking in the velvet sky above. He’d loved the wind against his hand when he’d stretched it out.

He felt so fucking free.

Beyond that he felt something for the woman beside him. Something he’d never felt before and he wasn’t exactly sure what it was. It had caused him to follow her out of Trio when he knew damn well he shouldn’t. He was supposed to stay with Tucker until Robert came to pick them up in a couple of hours. He wasn’t sure how he would get back, but it didn’t matter. He wanted more time with her. He wanted to be alone with her.

River. He even liked her name.

“This place is beautiful,” he said when she hesitated.

She nodded but didn’t move from her seat. “I love it here. I went to college in Denver, but I always missed this place. When I was younger, my dad had a house in Creede. He started the business there, but when he could, he moved us out of town. My dad was a loner, I suppose. Creede has a population of four hundred and Dad thought that was way too many people.”

“I know the feeling. I lived in London for a while. That was definitely too many people.” He kept his tone even. It was odd. Now that he was here, that hunger he always felt was tempered by her fear. He’d thought he would take anything offered to him, but he couldn’t having met her. If the blonde had offered herself up, he would have turned her down. Over the two hours they’d sat in the booth, eating fried food and drinking beer, he’d figured something out. Some people were more special than others. River was special. He should be more cynical. He could hear Damon Knight telling him to be cautious, but he couldn’t make himself do it. Perhaps it was the fact that he didn’t have a long well of history to draw from and to teach him that this was likely a mistake.

It didn’t feel like a mistake.

“Wow. I’ve never been farther than Kansas City.” She still wasn’t moving and her voice had taken on a tremulous tone.

His heart constricted, and it was surprisingly easy to not listen to his dick. His dick was pleading with him to get aggressive. His dick was trying to convince him that if he could get inside her, she would accept him.

Yeah, he wasn’t going to listen to his dick.

“If you’ve changed your mind, I can call my brother to pick me up. I have a phone and so does he. His number is programmed in. I don’t want to scare you. I had a good time talking to you tonight. It was one of the nicest nights I’ve had in a long time.” Ever. It was the best night ever. It was the first night he felt normal, though he wasn’t exactly sure what that word meant. Comfortable was a better one. That tight feeling in his chest had eased as he’d sat in the booth with River and Tucker and Heather.

Although he’d hated lying to her.

She finally turned, looking at him. Her eyes shone in the moonlight. “You mean that, don’t you?”

He wanted to touch her. He’d had to force his hands not to move toward her all night long. The most he’d allowed himself was to have their hips and shoulders touch as they’d sat next to each other. He’d decided it had been a good thing he’d sat next to her because he was fairly certain he had a case of Big Tag’s crazy eyes, and she would have seen them had he sat across from her.

“I do mean it. Please don’t get me wrong. I want you. I would like nothing more in the world than to take you into that cabin, lay you out, and make a feast of you. I want to kiss you and when I say that I don’t merely mean your lips. I want to put my mouth all over your body. But more than I want that, I want you to like me.” It was important somehow. He wouldn’t see her after tonight, but he couldn’t stand the idea that she was afraid of him.

Everyone was afraid of him. Everyone he knew was waiting for his powder keg to blow, but he’d sworn to himself earlier in the evening that it wouldn’t blow around her. He would protect her even if it was only for one night.

“I’m not afraid. I’m nervous. I haven’t done this in a long time. Not the one-night thing. I’ve never actually done that. It’s the sex thing I haven’t done in a while. We were coming back here for sex, right?”

Yep, his dick was trying to take over again. “Only if you want it. River, this is about you. I’ll take anything you’re willing to give me. If you would refer back to my previous monologue about my mouth on you, you’ll understand my motivations. But again, this goes only as far as you want it to go. If all you want is a kiss, I’ll be happy to provide it.”

What she wouldn’t know was this would be his first kiss. Unlike some of his brothers, he hadn’t played around with the women at The Garden. There had been a sympathy to the encounters he couldn’t stand. It overrode even his horniness. Not that the others seemed to mind. Not all of them, of course. Robert hadn’t touched a woman because he was far too interested in Ariel, but the rest had all found women to comfort them.

Jax didn’t want comfort. He wanted something more. He wanted…connection.

Beyond that, he wanted a woman to want him, and not because she felt sorry for him.

River had no idea what he’d been through. River didn’t understand how damaged he was. If she let him take her to bed…that was the problem. The word let. He didn’t want her to let him do anything. He wanted her to want him to do all those things that had gone through his head, all the nasty, hot, brilliant things he wanted to do to her.

“I wouldn’t mind spending the night with you, but it won’t go anywhere.”

It couldn’t go anywhere. “I’m only in town for a few weeks. And honestly, I have work to do while I’m here. I can’t promise you more than tonight.”

He’d wanted her to know something real about himself, so he’d broken from their cover story. He’d told her what he actually did. Not that he was a professional train wreck, but that he worked in security and with computers. He’d then avoided talking much about it because he’d been more interested in her.

He’d discovered she’d been through a bad divorce and the loss of her father, though she’d only briefly mentioned them.

She seemed to think for a moment. “I’d like for you to come in. I’m going to be honest with you. I’m hesitant because I’m not sure why you’re here.”

“I thought I covered that with the mouth on you speech. My dick is interested, too.”

She laughed, finally turning to him. “You’re an odd man.”

So she’d noticed. It hadn’t stopped her from inviting him back to her place. He gave the excuse Taggart had told him to give. “I was homeschooled.”

She shook her head. “I’ve known many homeschooled kids. Somehow they turned out normal.” But she was laughing. She sobered suddenly as though remembering she shouldn’t laugh. “I meant I don’t know why you would pick me.”

“What does that mean?”

She frowned. “You know.”

He shook his head. “No, I don’t. If I knew I wouldn’t have asked the question.”

She stared at him like she was trying to figure something out. Maybe why he was so socially awkward. That could be what that stare was about. He was fairly certain she would run if he explained the situation to her.

Well, River, I’m awkward because I’m basically a few years old. I was born into the body of a horny, apparently picky asshole who can’t remember anything past how to rob a bank and play around on the Dark Web. The only people who could have taught me how to function in society are all sarcastic ex-military dicks, so here I am, perfectly incapable of being a normal human being.

Yeah, he wasn’t going to say that. He was going to be patient and wait.

“You’re gorgeous and I’m not,” she said. “That’s what bugs me. I’ve never had a man who looks like you come on to me, and it makes me question why you’re here with me instead of Heather. I can see you with her. Not me.”

“I wasn’t attracted to Heather.” He had no idea how to deal with this. How did he prove he was attracted to her?

She gave him that look he’d realized meant someone thought he’d said something dumb. “Everyone is attracted to Heather.”

“I barely saw her. I understand that she’s pretty, but I wanted you.” This was a conundrum. “I don’t know how to make you believe me. I paid attention to you the whole time. I tried to be courteous and attentive. Was I supposed to do something else? If you tell me what to do, I can probably do it.”

She stared at him for a moment more and he was convinced she would turn the engine over and drive him right back into town. Instead she turned and slid out of the Jeep, grabbing her purse and walking around to the passenger side. She stopped in front of him.

“You’re right. I’m making things difficult and it’s not your fault. You’ve done absolutely everything you could to make the evening nice for me, and I’m letting old wounds keep me from trying something new. I’m nervous and awkward and I think the only thing to do is for you to kiss me.”

A flash of desire sparked through his body. Kiss her. He could do that. He’d watched people kissing. His last “home” had been a freaking BDSM club. He’d watched people fucking. He’d just never done it himself. He slid off the seat and stood in front of her, almost no space between them. “I’m nervous, too.”

“Why would you be nervous?”

“It’s been a long time since I did this, too.”

“Sure, it has.”

She was frustrating. “Why do you think I’m a liar?”

“Because…” She shook her head. “Because I have a hard time taking people at face value. Because I have to sell this cabin. This is going to be one of my last nights here and it’s all because I trusted the wrong man and he took everything from me. I’m sorry. I guess I’m not ready for this. You don’t deserve someone who can’t ever trust you.”

“Can you trust me to kiss you? Or maybe it would be better for you to kiss me. I meant what I said. I don’t want to take more than you’re willing to give. Kiss me. See if you want me. See if this is something you’re willing to risk one single night on.” He wasn’t giving up without a fight. Certainly not because someone out there had hurt her. He wasn’t going to hurt her.

“You would do that for me? Let me be in control?”

It would be difficult, but he could handle it. Hell, it might cover some of his awkwardness. His cock was up for the challenge. His cock had begun a low throb in his jeans. Fuck, he wanted her. He’d never wanted anything as badly as he wanted to walk inside that cabin with her, and given that there had been days he’d wanted his torture to stop, that was saying something. “Yes. Anything you want, and we’ll stop if you tell me to.”

God, he hoped she didn’t want to stop. It might kill him, but he was determined to make this good for her. She was confusing and he still couldn’t take his eyes off her. He had no idea what it was about this woman that called to him. Though perhaps it was the sorrow he’d sensed in her, as though like called to like. As though if he could put their pain together, it would be eased in both of them.

She reached out and her hand found his, the connection so warm he nearly sighed. “Come inside.”

He followed her up the steps, watched as she took out a key and opened the single lock. The door was flimsy, utterly incapable of keeping anyone out. He could kick it in easily. He glanced around. There weren’t any other cabins out this far. They’d driven down a long path to get from the highway to the cabin. She was completely alone out here. “I think you need better security.”

“From the bears?” She flipped the light on and closed the door behind him. She put her purse down. “Because that’s about all you’ll see out here. Across the river it’s all national forest land. Sometimes during the winter wolves find their way across, but not often. I can handle myself out here, Jax.”

He still didn’t like the idea that she was out here all alone. Not that he could do anything about it. He had one night with her.

Unless he could see her again. He would get his mission guidelines and then he didn’t see why he had to stay holed up in the house. Surely there would be other nights. Unless they found the site quickly and moved out, and then he wouldn’t see her ever again.

Which would be the best thing for her. He was a wanted man, and she could be in danger if she got caught up in his life.

“Sorry. In London we had security procedures.”

She cocked an eyebrow as she looked up at him. “Really. That sounds fancy.”

He doubted the big, burly ex-SAS men who vetted every single person who came in and out of The Garden would like being called fancy. “My boss there was kind of paranoid.” He looked around the small space. There was a couch and a thick area rug covering the wood floors. To his right he could see the kitchen and a hallway that likely led to her bedroom. “This place is nice. It’s sad you have to sell it.”

The light in her eyes dimmed and he wished he hadn’t mentioned that again. “Yeah, I wish I didn’t have to either, but I don’t want to talk about that now. I want to forget everything for a while.”

“I want that, too.” He wanted to forget that he’d forgotten, to forget all the things he didn’t know, and feel like he was more than half a man for one night. “I’m going to sit down on your couch. When you’re ready, come and sit with me and we can talk or kiss or touch all you like. I want you, River. I want you very badly. You can’t know how much.”

He moved into her small living room, settling himself on the couch. It was leather and comfortably worn in. There was a lounge chair beside it, the only two pieces of furniture in the room. Between the chair and couch sat a small table with a lamp and the remote to the TV. He was surprised how nervous he was. He’d faced down some bad shit and not had his heart race the way it was now.

Because he hadn’t cared. When he’d had a gun in his face, he hadn’t cared if the man on the other side pulled the trigger. He hadn’t cared if Dr. McDonald got the dosage wrong and he never woke up. He hadn’t cared if the building fell down around him that night Taggart had raided.

He cared that she liked him. He cared that she enjoyed the time she spent with him. Damn, but he cared that he got to touch her, to taste her. Not some random female. Her.

She turned and moved toward him, taking a deep breath as though girding herself to do something. He thought she would move to his side, but she stood in front of him and then lowered herself onto his lap.

He let his arm wind around her waist and prayed she didn’t notice how hard he’d gotten. His dick had gone on full alert. Soft. She was soft in his arms, her weight comforting to him. He could easily pick her up and take her wherever he wanted. He was bigger and stronger on every physical level, but she’d placed herself on his lap. She’d made the choice to try with him.

He couldn’t take his eyes off her. He had no idea what had happened to make her think she wasn’t sexy, but he intended to fix that. “I want you to kiss me.”

She twisted in his lap, her ass moving against his dick. Her hands came up, framing his face, and she leaned in. Soft lips brushed his own, sending pure electricity through his system. He closed his eyes and let the feeling flash through him while River gently kissed him. He followed her lead, somehow synching with her movements. His hand tightened on her waist, pulling her closer. Her breasts brushed against his chest and he could feel his cock pulsing with need.

It was going to have to wait because he wanted to enjoy this. He wanted this to last all night long. Over and over she brushed her lips against his, the sensation arousing and frustrating because he wanted more.

He wanted her tongue rubbing against his like a cat in heat. He wanted to take over and show her how good he could make it. She didn’t feel sexy? When he found the right spot, he could make her know she was sexy. He could learn her body so well he would know exactly how to touch her to make her scream out his name.

Instinct was sweet. He might not remember having sex before, but his body knew what to do. His body was heating up, going primal.

“I want to touch you.” He whispered the words against her mouth, practically breathing them into her.

“Okay.” She was breathy.

“Do you know how soft you feel to me?” He let his hand run up her arm, finding his way to her neck.

She rested her cheek against his. “I don’t know that I want to be soft. I need to be strong.”

“Just because something is soft doesn’t mean it isn’t strong. Soft is nothing but the opposite of hard and, River, opposites attract.” He lifted his hips slightly, not wanting to hide his erection anymore. She was here in his arms and she should know exactly how much he wanted her.

She gasped and then moved her head back, looking at him with those deep green eyes. “I think I would like for you to kiss me now. I was afraid I couldn’t handle you, but I can and that means I want to know how Jax Seaborne kisses.”

He had no idea, but he was more than willing to find out. He pulled her close and got ready to find out exactly how good life could be.

 

* * * *

 

It was his sweetness that did it, that made her give over to him. She knew what she liked and it wasn’t to be in control. She wanted him to take control. Not because she wasn’t a feminist, because she was wired that way, wired to enjoy having a man dominate her sexually and not anywhere else.

It was precisely why she should have walked away from Matt and quickly. Matt’s desire had been nothing like this. It had been a lazy thing, an afterthought. At the time she’d believed it had been normal, but this…oh, this felt real. This felt primal and exciting. This felt like everything.

It was how odd and awkward Jax could be that drew her in. Someone that gorgeous should have had practically everything handed to him on a silver platter—especially women. He should know exactly how to seduce the woman of his choice, but Jax just laid it all out there, no hiding behind flirtation, no trying to disguise what he wanted.

She wasn’t sure she could believe he was real. She might wake up and find out the whole day had been a dream, but she was going to stay asleep as long as she could because she hadn’t felt this good in… She’d never felt like this.

His arm around her tightened and his free hand moved to cup her jaw as he started to kiss her. He moved slowly at first, a slight hesitance. And then she could feel his confidence take over, his mouth moving more surely. She wrapped her arms around him, loving how warm his body was against hers. He surrounded her, trapping her in the cage of his arms, but it was a cage she had zero interest in breaking free of.

The kiss deepened, his tongue running over her bottom lip. A shiver went through her. She opened her mouth and felt his excitement as he took the territory she’d ceded. His tongue invaded, dominating hers and turning the kiss wild. His arousal fed hers, sending desire through her body and silencing all those questions going through her brain. This was exactly what she needed. She needed to stop thinking and let him take her some place she’d never been to before. Like a hike through a virgin forest. No one else could know what it meant to be here in this moment with him. No matter what happened later, she would always have this night.

One last sweet memory from the cabin she’d grown up in.

“I want to touch you. I want to feel your skin against mine.” He whispered the words against her cheek between kisses that trailed toward her neck.

The open honesty made it easy for her to agree. She leaned back, drawing her T-shirt over her head. She wore a plain cotton bra and wished she owned something sexier, but she was a utilitarian kind of girl. It didn’t seem to bother Jax. His eyes were hot as he stared boldly at her breasts.

“You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

She shouldn’t believe him. He was merely trying to get into her panties, but something about his reverent tone made her toss aside her cynicism. “You’re not bad yourself, Jax. I suspect you’re going to be gorgeous without your clothes on.”

His face went blank and he stared at something over her shoulder as though he couldn’t meet her eyes. He was silent for a moment and worry crept back into her before he spoke again. “I have scars. I didn’t think about that. I didn’t think you would see them. Now that I say the words out loud, I realize how foolish it was to think that. Of course you’ll see them if I take off my shirt.”

The words sounded dull coming out of his mouth. She hated how blank his eyes had gotten. “I don’t mind a few scars. I have scars.” She pointed to a small line across her collarbone. “I got this one when I was twelve. I was riding on this dirt bike my dad got me for my birthday. I wasn’t paying attention, clotheslined myself on a low hanging branch from a pine tree. I’ve got more on my legs, and a pretty nasty one on my back.”

“I don’t want you to see me like that. I don’t want you to pity me.”

How bad was it? What had happened to him? She wanted to press him but remembered how good he’d been with her. She moved so he couldn’t not look into her eyes. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Leave your shirt on or we can turn out the lights. But you don’t have to. I want to see you however you are. I think you’re gorgeous. Even if your body is a mass of scars, I’ll still think you’re beautiful.”

He was back to looking at her breasts. That was a good thing. The hollow look in his eyes had gutted her. Lust was way better. “How about we agree to not talk about them? The scars, I mean. I would rather think about you. But if they scare you, if you change your mind, I’ll understand.”

He tugged his shirt free from his jeans and dragged it overhead, exposing his torso. He tossed the shirt to the side. The light from the lamp illuminated his skin, giving a golden glow to the evidence of his pain.

She had to stop her jaw from dropping. His chest…his muscular chest was covered in vicious scars. It didn’t look like there was an inch of his skin that hadn’t been harmed. Were those burns?

“My back is worse,” he admitted quietly.

How had he gotten those scars? Torture was the only word that came to mind, but it had to have been an accident. These weren’t decades-old scars. She suspected some of them had been made in the last few years. He didn’t want to talk about them.

He wanted her to ignore them, to pretend they weren’t there. Hadn’t she wanted the same thing? To pretend she hadn’t fucked up her whole life?

She shoved all her questions aside and touched him, running her hand over his chest like it was perfectly smooth. It was time to stop being tentative. He needed to know she wanted him. She leaned over and ran her nose along his neck. He still smelled like soap, but now she caught a hint of arousal. Was his cock already weeping? It sent a rush to her pussy. She didn’t need to know how he’d been hurt. She only needed to let him know he wasn’t any less sexy for those scars.

A shudder went through him.

“That feels so good.” His hands were back on her, keeping her close. His eyes closed like he wanted to enjoy the sensation, the feel of her hands on him.

He was right. It felt incredible. Her mouth found his again and she felt him relax. It had been too long since she’d felt close to someone. It made her realize how much she’d pushed away, even her friends. She used to be affectionate. She’d let Matt take that when he’d taken her money and her future. She had to fight to get all of herself back.

This was definitely worth fighting for. His tongue played lazily against hers as his hands started to fumble with the back of her bra.

Unfortunately, the clasp wasn’t back there. She waited until he came up for air. “It’s in the front.”

His head came up, his chest moving against hers. “What?”

Her nipples were hard as rocks. The idea that he was about to put his hands on them nearly made her moan. “The clasp is in the front.”

He shifted and that was when she started to go backward, falling inevitably to the floor. She gritted her teeth, ready to have the breath knocked out of her. Yep, she was a graceful swan. Jax moved quickly, his hands finding the back of her head, sheltering her. He twisted and wound up taking the brunt of the impact. Not that they’d gone too far, but he’d reacted like they were taking a serious dive.

She ended up on top of him, chest to chest.

“Are you all right?” He let his hands drift over her shoulders, checking for damage.

He was the one who’d taken the fall. Yet she found it hard to breathe as she looked down at him. She should have rolled off him, but she found herself shifting to her knees and straddling that part of him that seemed to honestly want her. He’d done everything she could think he should have done. He’d been patient and kind, taken care of her. If he turned out to be an asshole at least she’d done her due diligence. She was above him, looking down at the sexiest man she’d ever seen, and she was ready. Ready to take another shot at everything.

She flipped the clasp of her bra open and eased it off, letting him see her breasts. “I’m more than okay. I think you should do all those things you promised me.”

She wanted it all. She let go of her inhibitions, of her fear, let go of anything but the expectation of pleasure.

Jax looked down at her, naked hunger in his eyes, and she realized this would be a night she would never forget.