Chapter Four

 

 

He was going to die. His dick was going to explode and things would get messy and he would die happy because she was simply stunning. She loomed over him, her eyes focused.

And she wasn’t looking at him like he was something to pity. Those eyes were lit with lust.

They were in perfect accord because lust was first and foremost on his mind. Her breasts were lovely, round and perky with tight nipples he couldn’t wait to get his mouth on. Of course, he should probably touch her with his hands first. She’d given him permission.

He reached up, cupping her. He’d been right about how soft she was. Her skin was like silk, and for the briefest moment he wondered if he shouldn’t let her go. She was perfect. Those tiny scars did nothing to mar her. But he’d seen that brief flash of horror when he’d taken off his shirt. She’d covered it quickly and then she’d touched him like she couldn’t stop herself, but he’d had the momentary worry that she was Beauty and he was a beast. He let that thought go now because there was none of her previous hesitance in the way she moved now.

Her eyes closed and her head dropped back as he stroked her skin. Her hips rolled and there was no way she didn’t realize she was sitting right on top of his cock. She had to feel it, had to know how close he was to rolling her over and shoving himself deep inside. She wasn’t afraid of him and she wasn’t doing this out of pity. She wanted him, and that was the first thing that made him feel like a man and not some lost fucking little boy.

He rolled her nipple between his thumb and finger. Those nipples had peaked, begging for him to play with them. He could do that. His mind had gone into pure tunnel vision. There was nothing in the world except her. Everything else fell away and all he was left with was the feel of her, the slow dance they were caught in.

He let his instinct lead him, rolling her over and pinning her to the ground with his body. Her eyes opened in surprise, but there was no fear in them. Her gaze softened and body bowed, offering herself up to him. All that sweetness was his for now.

He lowered himself down and kissed his way from the curve of her neck to that sweet nipple. He pulled it into his mouth, lavishing it with affection. Every moan he heard seemed to spark deep inside him, transforming him into something more than he’d been before he’d touched her.

“Jax, please.” Her hands were in his hair, moving restlessly. “I can’t stand it.”

He ignored her. He would never brush off a request for him to stop if she didn’t want him, but even he knew what she was asking for with her breathy moans. She wanted him to move this train along, to take her. She was impatient and that was a beautiful thing. But he’d promised her something. His mouth everywhere. He would lick and kiss every inch of her. It would take far longer than this one time to truly map her body, and that was exactly what he intended to do.

He moved to her other breast, unwilling to leave that sweet bit unloved. He tongued her before biting down lightly. Gently, just giving her the edge of his teeth. The hands in his hair tugged and pulled, she squirmed under him, but he didn’t give in. He merely moved down her body.

“Oh, Jax. Are you really going to…”

He kissed her belly and down to the top of her jeans. “Fuck, yeah, I am.”

She gasped, squirming again like she couldn’t make herself stop moving. “You should know I’m messy down there.”

He could smell her. It made him feel feral, primitive. This was what Ariel had talked about. It would be hard to stop now when the prize was close, when his heart beat in a primal rhythm. “I want you messy. Sex is messy.”

He knew that somehow. Sex, when done well, involved a lot of mess, both physical and emotional. He knew that last part because he was already coming up with a hundred reasons to change his mind about leaving her at the end of the night.

He unbuttoned her jeans, getting to his knees and dragging them down her body. He needed her naked, needed to see the evidence of her desire for him. Sure enough, he could see the wet spot on her underwear and it sent another surge through his cock. He could take her then and there and she would be perfectly happy. Or he could indulge himself.

He’d learned not to be impatient. Life was far too short to not take advantage of every good thing that came his way, and she was such a good thing. She might be the best thing. He would soak in every moment he had with her, taking in memories to get him through the bad times.

He eased her underwear off and tossed it to the side. She wouldn’t need it again tonight. He would keep her naked. He stared down at her, letting his mind memorize the sight of her against that rug, the light from the lamp turning her skin a rosy gold. Her legs rubbed against his like she couldn’t stand the thought of not touching him. She was gorgeous. He’d thought the woods outside the cabin they were staying in were lovely. They had nothing on her. Round breasts, gently curving hips. She was petite but there was an athletic feel to her body. Like he’d said before—soft and yet strong. She could handle him. Could she handle his damage?

He put a hand on her, right between her breasts, dragging it down the length of her torso until he cupped the mound of her pussy. For the first time since that moment he’d woken up in a too-bright room, Sasha staring down at him, he was happy he didn’t remember anything else because this felt new and fresh and meaningful. He had no idea who he’d been in the years before, but he liked who he was now because her eyes had come open, widening in wonder as he stroked her.

If he knew who he was, he wouldn’t be here with her. He wouldn’t be experiencing this for the first time with her.

He wanted to be with her.

He lowered himself down, needing to connect with her in every way he could. The urge to put his mouth on her was overwhelming. He wanted to surround himself with River—her touch, her scent and god, her taste. This needed no prior knowledge. This was something he instinctively knew how to do.

He licked her, his tongue finding her clitoris and lapping at the jewel. She bucked up, but he was ready for her. He held her down, pinning her to the floor. “Stop moving or I’ll tie your hands down. Don’t think I won’t do it. I might not know a lot, but I’m good with rope, baby.”

“That should worry me.” She went still. “But somehow it just gets me hotter. What are you doing to me?”

He was making a meal out of her, that’s what he was doing. “I’m enjoying every inch of you, and don’t think you’ll get rid of me so easily. I’ve changed my mind. One night isn’t enough.” He licked at her, moving to her labia and exploring. “Let me stay with you tonight. We’ll sort the rest out in the morning. I don’t know when I’ll have to leave Colorado, but I want to spend time with you while I’m here.”

“Yes,” she said. “Stay with me. You can stay here if you like.” Her body shuddered as he speared her with his tongue.

She tasted like honey and perfection, like nothing he’d known before. He couldn’t get enough of her. He spread her thighs, wanting more. He fucked her with his tongue, his dick throbbing with jealousy. His dick would get its turn, but for now he needed to taste her orgasm.

He found her clit again with his thumb and rubbed while he fucked up into her pussy with his tongue. She shuddered and then he tasted fresh cream. It coated his tongue as she came apart, his name on her lips.

In that moment it didn’t matter that Jax wasn’t his name, or perhaps it was in that moment that Jax finally became his name. Hearing it from her lips made it real to him after all these months.

His body felt electric as he got to his knees. Pants. He needed to take off his pants, and then there was the condom he had to deal with. His hands shook as he fished it from his back pocket before shoving his jeans down and freeing his dick. He ripped open the packet and managed to do what he needed, trying not to think about the fact that he’d practiced on a fucking banana. The thought made him laugh because how many other thirty-something guys in the world had to take a sex education class taught by former commandos?

She was smiling when he moved over her. “I love your laugh.”

He rarely laughed. “You make me happy, River. And I meant what I said. I don’t want a one-night stand.”

“Then we’ll have to move this to the bedroom.” Her arms drifted up. “And next time, you’re taking your pants off.”

But not this time. He couldn’t. He was far too desperate to have her. He lined up his cock and pressed inside her. Pure pleasure nearly made his eyes roll in the back of his head, but he forced himself to focus on her. The orgasm he’d given her made her slick, but she was still shockingly tight around him. He was shoving his cock into a warm, wet vise, and his brain could barely handle it.

His body took over, finding a rhythm and riding it. He gritted his teeth, trying to hold out to make the moment last. River’s legs wound around his waist and her whole body tightened as he fucked deep inside her. He felt her pussy clamp down and there was nothing else he could do. He lost control, pounding into her as the orgasm hit him, frying his brain and sending shockwaves through him. Nothing had ever felt as good as that moment when she wrapped herself around him, when he emptied himself into her.

Jax dropped down, covering her body with his. He didn’t bother to hold his weight off her. She’d accepted him, still was as her hands stroked down his back. She wasn’t thinking about how to “help” him or how damaged he was. She was basking in what he could give her.

And what she’d given him was nothing short of miraculous. He sighed and let his head rest against hers. He would text Tucker and tell him he would check in tomorrow. Surely everything could wait until the morning. He wanted all the time he could get with her. It wouldn’t hurt the mission for him to sleep in her bed, holding her close and waking with her. It couldn’t hurt anyone.

He kissed her lightly, pleasant lethargy taking over. Could anything be better than to lie with her, warm and happy and sated?

“I’m going to make you pancakes in the morning,” she said with a smile.

Yep. Life was pretty perfect.

 

* * * *

 

He came awake with the absolute certainty that someone was in the cabin. He wasn’t sure why he knew it, he simply followed instincts honed from all his time in the bunker with McDonald. There had been nights when he would wake up and know someone was there. He would try to stay still, but he would open his eyes and there would be Mother. She would stare at him while he slept, likely thinking of all the torture she would put him through when he was awake.

Jax pushed the memory aside, his whole body on alert, listening for any sound that would give away where the intruder was. It wouldn’t have taken much to get inside the cabin. He’d secured the front and back doors as well as he could, but he hadn’t had a lot to work with. There was a single, simple lock on each door, and a hook on the screens. It was nothing he couldn’t get through in roughly three minutes if he took his time and picked the locks, a few seconds if he kicked the door in.

Everything was perfectly silent except the sound of the river rushing past. It gurgled and churned, a soothing sound he would miss when he left here. If he followed it several miles to the south, he would be at the big cabin where his brothers were being housed, where Taggart was probably coming up with some punishment for disobedience.

There hadn’t been physical punishment at The Garden, but that had been Damon Knight’s choice. It had been explained to each of them how important it was to follow the rules when they were out in the world. There would be fallout for defiance. There always was.

It would be worth it. He would take whatever pain was coming his way because she was the best thing that had happened to him.

The cabin was still and silent. Maybe he’d been wrong. Paranoia was one of his closest friends. He glanced at the clock on the nightstand. 3:43 a.m. They’d moved into the smaller of the two bedrooms sometime after midnight. She’d given him no reason why she wasn’t staying in the master, but he could extrapolate. Her father had died recently. She wasn’t ready to take the room over yet, but they would need a bigger bed if he was going to stay here.

He might stay here forever.

The slightest creak of the hardwoods forced his attention back to the matter at hand. That hadn’t been the house settling. Someone was moving carefully out in the living area. Adrenaline started to thrum through him.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Remember the layout of the cabin.

He eased his arm from under her head, careful not to wake her. The last thing he wanted was to scare her. He could take care of the intruder and then wake her up to call the authorities. Or he could kill the intruder and toss his body in the Rio Grande and go back to bed.

As quietly as he could, he stepped into his boxers and moved out of the room.

The master was across from the bedroom he’d shared with River, the bathroom to his back. It was no more than ten steps from where he was standing to the living room and the kitchen beyond. He clung to the shadows, listening intently to try to figure out how many intruders he was dealing with. He hadn’t been given a sidearm, but he didn’t need one. He preferred hand to hand, genuinely enjoyed the feel of fighting an opponent with nothing but strength between them.

“Ow, damn it, Dante,” a hushed voice said. “You couldn’t have mentioned there was a table there?”

“Not my problem,” Dante replied and he wasn’t whispering.

Damn it. No fight for him, and he couldn’t throw his brothers into the river however much he wanted to. He strode out, not caring that he wasn’t even half dressed. Dante and Tucker stood there in the darkened living room, though it appeared Tucker had brought along a flashlight. He clicked it on and shined it right in Jax’s eyes. “Hey, put that thing down. And keep quiet. River’s sleeping.”

“Certainly. We wouldn’t want to wake your girl. She’s probably had a rough night.” Dante chuckled. “I hope you had fun, brother. It’s time to go. Robert has the car outside.”

Tucker frowned. “I tried to tell them you would come back in the morning, but Ezra was insistent. He doesn’t think we should be out all night. He wasn’t particularly happy you picked up a chick. Although, when you think about it, you’re the one who got picked up since you don’t actually have a car or a place to take her or well, anything else it takes to have a girlfriend.”

That hurt more than it should.

“She is not girlfriend. She’s some chick he banged,” Dante said. “I always knew Jax was the smart one. He finds woman he doesn’t have to pay. He finds slut instead of whore. Saves him money.”

He didn’t realize what he was going to do until his fist met Dante’s jaw. Dante could be a dick about women, and the idea of him even thinking about River made Jax crazy. “Don’t you ever use either one of those words in my presence again.”

Maybe he would get that fight.

Tucker had the good sense to get in between them before Dante escalated the situation and River walked in to find a brawl occurring in the middle of her living room. The game might be up when she met the assholiest of his brothers.

“Hey, keep it down,” Tucker said, his voice low. “You know what Robert said. We’re supposed to get him out of here as quietly as possible.”

“I’m not leaving.” He took a step back. “I texted you and told you what I was doing.”

Tucker nodded. “Yes, and then Ezra turned on the GPS on your tracker and told us to get you. We’re not allowed to be out on our own. I got a horrible lecture and I’ve been told Big Tag is going to have more to say in the morning when he’s sober again. Apparently you can see aliens way better when you drink a shit ton of whiskey. Big Tag is a weird drunk. Like you almost can’t tell, but then he calls his brother and asks for a grilled cheese delivery. Sean Taggart was pissed.”

He didn’t have time to listen to one of Tucker’s rambling commentaries. “I don’t care. I have to get back to River or she’ll wake up and wonder where I’ve gone.”

Tucker sighed. “I’m sorry this didn’t go the way you hoped, but we have to get home.”

Home? It was a laughable word. “That massive cabin is not our home. The Garden wasn’t our home, Tucker. We don’t have a home. Those places are nothing but a way to keep us locked up so we won’t hurt anyone.”

Dante rubbed his jaw. “This is the first thing I’ve agreed with you about. But there’s nothing we can do now. If we leave, we’ll be picked up by the police, who will place us in jail, or the Agency, who will likely make the McDonald bitch look like a baby.”

He didn’t like agreeing with Dante. He ignored the man and turned back to Tucker. “I’m not leaving her. I told her I would stay and she’s making pancakes in the morning. If you want to, come by around nine or ten and you can drive me back then. But Ezra needs to know that I’m not going to ignore her. I’m going to see her again.”

Dante groaned. “One taste of pussy and he’s a duckling following her around.”

“I can slit your throat while you sleep,” Jax vowed.

“I would love to see you try,” Dante snarled his way.

Tucker was back in the middle again, pushing them away from each other. “Stop. We’re all going to get into serious trouble if we wreck this lady’s house. Jax, I’m sorry, but we have to go. It’s late and we’ve got an early meeting. We start this op in a couple of days. With any luck we’ll be done and out of here in a week. It’s not a good idea to get involved. She’s going to get hurt. When we started the night out, you remembered that little fact.”

“She’s a nice woman. I like her.” Like was another ridiculous word to use. He craved her. But it wouldn’t do to let Dante know it. Dante liked to play games. Oh, he never took them too far, never enough to get him kicked out, and he took his beatdowns with surprising aplomb, but Jax wasn’t about to hand the man another weapon to use against him. “I told her I would be here in the morning. I think I should honor my word.”

They would have to carry him out of this house. He wasn’t going to disappoint her. She’d had enough of that. When they weren’t making love, they’d talked. She’d talked. He’d listened and held her. She’d told him a bit about how hard it was to lose her dad, how she still expected to wake up and hear him.

He might not be able to stay with her the way he wanted to, but he could keep one promise he’d made. He could make sure she woke up warm and safe, and he could watch as she made breakfast for them. He could eat her pancakes and kiss her, maybe convince her to sit in his lap and watch the morning pass. It sounded like a perfect way to spend the day.

“He’s not going to listen,” Dante said. “We should go.”

“We can’t go without him.” Tucker was insistent. “I don’t know Big Tag the way I do Damon, and I absolutely don’t know Fain. I don’t know how he’ll handle us failing. We can’t fail.”

Because failure in Mother’s world meant death, or something so close it felt like it. Something that would make a man wish for death.

“It’s not the same.” He prayed it wouldn’t be, but his gut churned at the thought. No one had tested Fain yet. They’d been on their best behavior. What would Fain or Big Tag do if they caused trouble?

Dante had moved behind him, seeming to go toward the door. “These men talk a big game, but they wouldn’t hurt us. Still. I don’t like to fail.”

Jax hissed as something bit him on the arm. He looked down and realized it hadn’t been a bite. Dante pushed the plunger on a hypodermic needle. “What?”

The world immediately went fuzzy.

“Damn it, they told us that was for emergencies or if the lady turned out to be an Agency plant,” Tucker complained. “Do you have any idea how heavy he is?”

The words were fading as he hit his knees. Pain flared, but it was nothing compared to his anger. His choice was being taken away again, but this time she would be the one who got hurt.

As the world went gray and then black, he wished he’d never seen her, never pulled her in. He didn’t regret touching her, but his hands couldn’t touch her without his world touching her. He couldn’t bring her into his fucked-up world.

“Grab his clothes,” Tucker was saying. “We’re not supposed to leave anything behind.”

It had been ridiculous to think he could even have a night’s peace. That kind of thing wasn’t for a man like him.

The world blinked out, his last thought being that he would always be alone.