Chapter Sixteen

 

 

She was making a terrible mistake.

River knew it the minute he’d looked her in the eyes.

I’ll do it because my life has been short and you’re the first thing that made me want to live. You are the sun in the sky, River. If I’m that man, you’re in trouble.

She sat in front of the small fire she’d made, his words echoing in her head. He’d looked so open in that moment it had been hard to believe he was lying.

But she wanted him to be lying. If he was lying she didn’t have to face the fact that maybe what he’d told her had been false, but what he’d felt had been true. She would have to decide if she was brave enough to risk her soul again. But that wasn’t all. She wanted them all to be lying to her because what Theo Taggart had gone through had been nothing less than pure hell on earth. The idea that Jax had been through something similar made her heart twist.

She didn’t want to feel for him. She wanted to be numb again because when she was numb she didn’t feel pain.

And you don’t feel joy, baby girl. You don’t get one without the other, but life means nothing without joy. It means nothing without pain. I wouldn’t take back loving your mother for anything. She’s gone now, but loving her was the joy of my life and that’s worth the pain.

She shoved away her father’s words. It was the place, that was all. This had been one of her dad’s favorite camping spots because it was off the beaten path. He’d brought her here many times. When he wasn’t working, he would take her out in the woods and they would spend weeks camping and studying nature and simply existing in what he called the world’s best hotel. That was why she felt restless. There were ghosts here.

“Are you all right?” Jax sat across from her.

She was far from all right. They’d hiked in silence all afternoon and well into the evening, him following behind her. He moved more quietly than she would have expected for such a large man. Sometimes she’d looked back to make sure he was still there and every single time she’d caught him staring at her with a sad look on his face.

The path Solo had chosen to get them out under cover had included a couple of decent climbs. Nothing that would require climbing gear, but it had been hard physical work. Jax had been good at it, his body moving with ease, hands knowing where to grip to haul himself up. He’d done this before. That was another lie.

Or he didn’t remember and this was one of those muscle memory things Nell had talked about.

When they’d reached the campsite, he’d been helpful and quick to learn. He’d had both tents up before she could make the fire. They’d eaten MREs while talking about innocuous subjects like how she would train Buster and how he was going to buy Tucker a plastic blow-up doll to love.

But now she couldn’t escape the questions she really wanted to ask but wasn’t going to. Nope. She was treating him like any other client. She wouldn’t ask Joe from Wisconsin personal questions. Of course, Joe from Wisconsin usually brought along his Jane or his kids or his friends, and they would bear the burden of campfire talk.

“How much time do you remember?” The question came out before she could think to hold it in. She didn’t need to know more about him. She needed to do her duty so she could sleep better at night knowing she’d helped.

After she’d read Theo’s account of his captivity and torture, she’d known she would guide Jax to The Ranch. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she didn’t try to help.

Because that’s life, baby girl. It’s tough, and no one person can save the world. There’s so much bad out there that it’s overwhelming. It’s easy to throw up your hands and give in. But faith—real faith—is knowing you can’t save it and still trying any way. If we all would just try, maybe the world would be a better place.

She wished she would stop hearing her father’s voice.

“Time is hard for me. I think I’ve been alive for about three years. I guess the better term would be aware.”

The words gutted her and yet Jax said them without emotion. “You don’t know for sure?”

He sat back against the log he’d dragged up to their makeshift campsite. “Sometimes it seems like I was born a few days ago but other times it feels like I spent decades there with her. With Dr. McDonald. Sorry, I have to remind myself not to call her Mother.”

That was what Theo had said. Hope McDonald had twisted the idea of maternal love. She was a psychopath who hadn’t known how to love at all.

Jax stared at the fire as he continued. “I remember waking up and not understanding where I was. There was this godawful bright light and the room I was in was pure white. She was there. She seemed kind at first. I was sick from the drugs and she helped me. Sasha was there, too. I think he was the first of us. Well, the first one who survived. I don’t know about Robert. He was with the other team. They moved around more than we did.”

Theo and Robert and a man named Victor had been another “team,” one McDonald moved around South America and Asia. They’d been forced to commit crimes to fuel her business, to stay alive.

“Didn’t you ask yourself where your family was?” River asked. She didn’t understand completely. It was hard to comprehend what they’d been through.

“I didn’t remember whether I had a family or not. The doctor told me I’d been in an accident and that Sasha was my brother. He was nice to me in the beginning. We only had each other and Dante until she brought in Tucker and a guy named George. There were others, but I was close to Tucker and George.”

“But not Sasha and Dante?”

He hesitated, as if trying to figure out how to reply. “I was at first, but then she started the training.”

Did she even want to know this? It would be better to leave the knowledge as academic, mere words on a page. If she listened to Jax’s story, it would be real, visceral. If she listened to him, she would empathize with him.

“Did you ever come here with your dad?”

She’d taken too long, been quiet and given him a chance to turn the tide of the conversation. “I want to hear about the training.”

He brought his eyes up. They glowed in the light of the fire. The shadows made the planes of his face seem even more stark and masculine than usual. “I would rather hear about your father. The training wasn’t pleasant.”

“Why did the training hurt your relationship with Sasha and Dante?” If she started talking about her dad she might lose it. She needed to find a way to stay centered. She’d thought about climbing into the tent she’d bought, but it was still early and she worried she would lie in there thinking about the fact that it was big enough for two, and Jax was huddled in Henry’s old tent.

He was silent for a moment and his eyes strayed back to the fire. “The training came in different forms. She would pit us against each other. She had handlers. That’s what she called them. They were guards meant to keep us in line. At first the training was the same thing you would find in a gym. We would work out for hours every day. Then it turned into a competition. She would put us on the treadmill and whoever fell off first lost.”

“Fell off?”

“Oh, yes, if you stepped off the treadmill, you were beaten physically. If you fell off, you were beaten, but at least you got to eat that night. I remember several times when one of us would urinate on the treadmill because we knew if we stopped for a break she would remind us that she was in control and that we would do Mother’s will. I have a couple of scars from passing out and banging around on the thing. She would sit and watch us for hours, taking notes. They controlled the machines and we would try to keep up.”

Her heart threatened to crack. “You competed against Dante and Sasha?”

“Often,” he allowed. “I would beat them and they didn’t handle it well. And then there was the ring. When there were enough of us, she would make us compete to see who would be the alpha for the week. The alpha got the best food, the choicest place to sleep, sometimes women. Theo’s group was more advanced than we were, or perhaps McDonald simply preferred them. She trained them differently from what Robert’s said. I think they were her elite soldiers. We were her pack of trained dogs. That’s what she wanted. A pack of loyal dogs to do her bidding.”

“You’re not a dog, Jax.”

His lips turned up slightly. “I don’t think that it’s so bad to be a dog. I know Buster’s pretty happy. Like all things in life it depends on who takes care of you, on who teaches and cares for you.” The smile faded. “We were trained on weapons once she decided we were sufficiently loyal. I was a problem child. I required an enormous amount of correction. Sometimes she would have me beaten when I hadn’t even done anything wrong. She told me I was the stupidest of her sons and I lived on her sufferance. Sometimes I’m almost sure she hated me.”

She gasped as she realized where the scars on his back had come from. Somehow she’d convinced herself he’d been in a terrible accident. It had been easier to think that it had happened at once, and then he’d been in a hospital with drugs to numb his pain. But his scars came from a thousand cuts, dealt out over time until he likely couldn’t recall a day without pain.

Something was opening inside her and it threatened to take over. She couldn’t do it, couldn’t let herself be ripped open by his pain.

“You survived,” she said carefully, tamping down the emotions roiling through her. “You were lucky.”

“I was very lucky,” he agreed. “She picked the wrong man to get obsessed with. If she hadn’t come after Theo Taggart, I wouldn’t be here. His bad luck was my salvation because Big Tag wasn’t going to stop until he got his brother back. I won’t even go into Erin Taggart. She scares me a little. But that day…she would be offended, I’m sure, but that day when Theo’s family came for him, she was an angel. A foul-mouthed angel who talks to her gun a lot, but an angel.”

She wanted to get him away from the brutal times, but she still had some questions. “You don’t remember girlfriends?”

A sly smile crossed his face. “Are you asking if I remember sex?”

Heat flashed through her system and she wasn’t sure if it was pure embarrassment. There was some arousal in there, too, since he’d said the word sex and in her mind that word had a definition. Jax Seaborne was sex to her. “I was curious. You said they would bring in women. I think Tucker mentioned hookers. I thought it was weird at the time, but now it makes sense.”

“Oh, sweetheart, those were hookers brought in by Big Tag,” he corrected. “They were nice women. They were kind to us. The women McDonald would bring in were almost always murdered as a way to keep us in line. I never had sex at the facility. Even before I realized what was happening, I couldn’t touch anyone in there.”

River stood up. She couldn’t breathe. He had to be lying to her. He had to be. “They killed women?”

“Not all of them, but occasionally after the alpha of the week would sleep with his prize, he would wake up to a dead body and be told he’d killed her in the night. It happened to George and he didn’t speak or eat for two weeks. He believed them. He believed he killed that woman. Now we know it was the handlers who did it. We were given drugs to make us sleep through anything, and that was when they would sneak in. It was a way to remind us not to get too close to anyone from the outside. Not that we knew anyone from the outside.” Jax considered her for a moment as she paced in front of the fire. “This bothers you.”

“Of course, it does. I’m human.”

“I’ve known plenty of humans who didn’t care.”

Because the only people he’d known were evil doctors and minions and men who were desperate to survive.

“River,” he said quietly, “I’m lying. It didn’t happen, sweetheart. It’s a well-crafted fiction. You were right. It was all a way to manipulate you. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

She stared at him for a moment. “You’re lying now. Why?”

“Because I just realized I don’t want to make the world any worse for you. There are some things it’s better not to know. There are some things that should be hidden. I’ve learned a few truths about the world in the last few days. Pain is relative. My pain can’t be compared to yours. Pain is real to the person feeling it. It shouldn’t be held up like it’s a contest.”

Oh, but he would win. “Jax, what you went through was horrific.”

“And I’m sure losing your father was horrific, too. At the end it’s all nothing but pain unless we learn something from it. I wish I’d been honest with you. I wish I’d met you that first night and told you that I don’t remember ever being with another woman, that in all the ways that count, I was a virgin until you. I wish I’d given you that.”

Tears pulsed behind her eyes. God, what kind of a person was she? She hadn’t cried at her own father’s funeral but here she was, wild emotion threatening to spill over. She turned and strode away, needing to breathe. It was too much. Far, far too much.

She leaned against a big pine tree, the fire behind her, Jax behind her.

The air held the promise of snow to come in a few weeks. The rains they’d had would soon turn powdery and white. It already capped the mountaintops and the blanket would soon flow all around her. In a few weeks, Ty would go part time and he would stay at the lodge. She would have to decide what to do with the rest of her life.

Where would Jax be? On the run? Alone?

She’d been his first lover. His only lover. Who the hell was this man? Could she believe him?

She heard the quiet crunch of boots against the forest floor. “I want to be alone, Jax.”

“I won’t say a word,” he promised. “But I have to watch over you. I won’t ever bother you again, but you should know I’ll always be there for you. If you ever need me all you have to do is call. We change phones a lot out of necessity, but I’ll keep the one you have the number to. I’ll have it with me and I promise I’ll always have it charged and I’ll answer it.”

I’ll always be there. I won’t let you down, baby girl. You’re the most important person in the world to me.

Her father had said those words to her and he’d been standing in almost the same spot where Jax was. She remembered it like it was yesterday. It had been right after her mother had died. After the funeral, her father had packed them up and they’d hiked until she couldn’t walk anymore. She’d fallen to the forest floor, exhausted. He’d built a fire and they’d looked down on the valley below.

That’s Bliss, he’d said to her that night. It looks peaceful from up here. It looks like nothing bad ever happened, but even Bliss has its troubles. Wouldn’t know joy without pain. Wouldn’t be Bliss without sorrow. The key to living is to accept the pain for what it is—a reminder. Yeah, your momma is gone, but that doesn’t mean we stop living. She’s up there waiting and watching. Death is nothing but a reminder to live, to love while we can.

But his death had been so painful. His death had been a slow wasting away of his vibrancy, his love, his light. Her precious father had been reduced, made small by a disease that ate away at everything he was.

A sob came from her throat and Jax was suddenly beside her.

Jax, who had been through so much. All he’d known in his short life was pain and horror, and he still said he loved her.

She’d spent a lifetime loved by a man who taught her everything he’d known with patience and a gentle hand, and it hadn’t been until this moment that she could feel anything but relief at his death.

He was gone. He was gone and she didn’t know where he was. His body was in the ground and his soul…

“River, don’t cry. It’s over.”

She shook her head. He didn’t understand. She felt for him. She did, but there was more to the emotion coursing through her. “I…my father…”

“He’s still here with you,” Jax whispered. “Nothing is ever truly lost.”

She shook her head. “You can’t know that.”

“I can. God, where is this coming from? I can hear the words in my head, but I don’t know where they come from,” Jax whispered. “Nothing is ever truly lost. When a flower dies, it seeds the earth with its beauty. It’s not lost, merely transformed.”

She glanced up and his eyes were shining in the moonlight.

God, he was everything he’d said he was. He was broken and yet there was something so beautiful about him. Somehow he’d put himself back together.

“He’s here, isn’t he?” Jax asked. “You feel him in the forest.”

She nodded, too overwhelmed to speak. Her father was here. He’d been waiting for her, waiting to show her the way back to herself. He was in the trees—the aspens that shook and shimmered and the pines that split the sky. He was in the wind that brushed her face.

The cycle of her father’s life had closed, but his love…oh, that wasn’t a circle. That was an infinite line reaching to the past, to her grandmother and great grandfathers and beyond. It would stretch into the future, connecting her children to him and her grandchildren to her until there was love as far as she could think.

That was her father’s legacy. His soul couldn’t be judged by the way he’d ended, only by the way he’d lived. That death had been a falsehood, a lie meant to trick her into thinking the world was empty. Or perhaps it was a test. A test of patience. Of kindness in the face of misery. Of bravery. It was hard to love. Love hurt, and it was also the only reason to live.

“Go ahead, River,” he whispered. “Cry. It’s good to cry. Will you cry for me? I can’t. It’s there. I can feel it, but it won’t come out. I think she burned it out of me, but if I had someone who could cry for me, I think it might be all right.”

It was all she needed. The dam burst, volcano exploding in a riot of grief. She’d lost her father twice. Once to death and then to her stubborn refusal to mourn. Mourning was a beautiful thing, a tribute to those who had passed, a time to remind herself to live, and she’d skipped that step. She’d allowed herself to get stuck in the pain, to never let herself feel the joy.

She sobbed, her knees hitting the dirt, but Jax was there with her. His strong arms wound around her, and she wept against his chest. He smoothed back her hair, rocking her but saying nothing. He allowed her to mourn, to keen and cry and finally to miss him. Oh, it felt so fucking good to miss him, to yearn for her father.

And Jax. She mourned for him, too. For all he’d lost. His past. He didn’t know if anyone out there loved him, wished he was with them still. He was alone in the world. He’d been born into pain and yet he’d found a way to love.

Could he love her? Could she be brave enough to love him even knowing it would end? He would leave. He had to. He would be on the run for the rest of his life potentially. He couldn’t stay. Did that mean he wasn’t worth loving?

She cried for what they could have been.

Slowly, she came back to earth, a peace settling over her. Her chest ached with how hard she’d cried, but it was the best of aches, the kind that told her she was finally healing.

“Tell me I don’t have to let you go.” He was sitting with his back to a tree, her in his lap.

She could hear the beat of his heart. It was too much. She couldn’t make any decisions tonight. “Would you hold me for a while? I don’t know where we’re going, but I want you to hold me.”

His arms tightened, and she felt him sigh as if in relief. “Always. When I’m gone, I want you to remember that I’m always holding you in my mind. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.”

She cuddled close, emotion threatening to overwhelm her again.

She fell asleep that way, her head against his shoulder, his arms wrapped around her. Not unlike the way she’d slept that night when her father had taken her into the woods. Safe. Warm.

Loved.

 

* * * *

 

She was surrounded by death. It was there in the mist.

Jax. She screamed his name, the word echoing through the forest, mocking her. She knew she should be quiet, but he’d been gone so long.

He appeared before her, a sad smile on his face. He said not a word but reached out for her, his hand touching her cheek.

This was good-bye, she realized. Still, her body lit up from that touch and she knew no one would ever move her the way he did. She didn’t even know his true name, didn’t know if he had a wife waiting for him, had loved ones at all, but it didn’t matter because in that moment she knew he was the only man for her. Somehow the universe had meant him for her, had conspired and twisted the world so they would meet and love and be torn apart.

He drifted back into the mist, the gray cloud swallowing him whole.

Her heart felt constricted, like her chest was too small to contain it and would burst and bleed and cover the forest floor if she didn’t find him. She ran into the mist, her vision going hazy. She couldn’t tell where she was going. It was too thick. That mist clung to her and it was as if it was a living thing. That mist was emotion, creeping into her skin, making her scared and pitiful.

She could stop, the mist seemed to whisper. Go no further and everything will be all right. Stay where you are. You’ll be safe here.

But there was no safety for Jax. There would be no respite, no haven.

Footsteps echoed and she took off in the direction she thought they were coming from. The woods could be deceptive, sound pinging off trees and bouncing around like a ball she was trying to catch.

She couldn’t leave him. He would be alone out here. He would have no one. He would wake up again and realize his past was gone and this time, she would be part of that past. She would be erased from his memory, no longer even able to give him comfort in the form of reminiscence. It couldn’t happen. He couldn’t wake up in that white room, cold and alone. He wouldn’t survive it this time.

She ran, heedless of where she was going, praying her instincts could lead her to him.

She caught sight of him ahead as the mist seemed to fade and she realized he was surrounded by wolves. He stood there, in the middle of the clearing she’d played in as a child. It was deep in the woods, past all worn trails. It was a secret place, the furthest she was allowed to go because…her mind threatened to warp. Something about the clearing. Danger. She wasn’t supposed to go past this point.

Here and no further.

The wolves circled him and she realized he was holding Buster. Buster barked and snarled at the pack as if he understood the danger they were in, but Jax’s eyes were on her.

She started to move toward him and suddenly she was a child again, looking up into her father’s eyes.

No, sweetheart. You can’t play here. It’s dangerous. Stay in the light and you’ll be fine.

But Jax was in the darkness. As she stood there, she watched the shadows take him…

 

 

River turned over, a gasp coming from her chest as the dream ended and she realized where she was. She was in her tent, the one she’d bought at the big box store. It took her a moment to catch her breath and orient herself.

Jax had carried her to her tent, gently easing her in. He’d been on his hands and knees when he’d zipped her into her sleeping bag, and with shadows playing around him, he kissed her forehead. She’d thought he would crawl in next to her, but he’d left and she hadn’t had the energy to argue.

She sat up and realized the fire was still going, larger than it had been before. She scrambled out, hoping it hadn’t gotten out of control. She hadn’t told him how to put out the fire. He wouldn’t know all the steps that went into making sure everything was properly doused and safe. If the embers weren’t all soaked, they could catch fire again. It had rained recently, but any fire was dangerous in woods like these.

She stopped as she realized he was still sitting there. He relaxed against the log he’d dragged over, his head tipped back toward the sky.

“I thought you were sleeping,” he said, still looking up. “I’m sorry if I woke you.”

She noticed he’d dragged his sleeping bag out and laid it outside the tent he was supposed to be using. “You couldn’t sleep?”

She wouldn’t tell him about her dream. It was too close to the surface. He’d been there, in danger and out of reach. She couldn’t go where he was. River shook it off, concentrating on the man in front of her.

They had few days left and he looked so remote. She couldn’t stand it. It had been stupid to think she could hear his story and not get close to him again.

“There weren’t any stars in London,” he said. “Well, they were there, but not like this. And we weren’t allowed outside in the facility. I’m afraid the tent feels too much like a cell to me. I’ll stay out here with the stars. They feel…familiar to me.”

How terrible was it to know he should remember and never be able to catch it? She settled in next to him, looking up at the sky, trying to see what he was seeing.

A blanket of stars, diamonds shining down on them.

“Dante told me they were dead,” he said, his voice flat. “I was on the rooftop at The Garden, trying to see them through the fog, and he said I shouldn’t bother because they were nothing but dead suns. The light takes millions of years to get to us. A lot of the stars in the sky went nova a long time ago. That makes me sad.”

It would have made her sad mere hours before, but she had a different perspective now. Funny what a good cry and strong arms around her could do. It had restored her, made her more faithful to who she was at her core. Almost two years she’d spent in the prison of her father’s disease, but there was light. It came from the stars. It came from the people around her. It came from him.

It would light her way home if she let it.

“It shouldn’t make you sad. Everything dies, but it’s like you said. Nothing is lost.” It was funny how easy it was to think of her father now. “My dad would take me out here and we would do science experiments. One time he brought me and Ty and our friend Lucy overnight and we had a telescope. He told me the same thing Dante said except with a different twist. He said wasn’t it amazing that even after all that time, their light was here, still traveling, still moving. Though the sun was gone, its light is used to mark the path for sailors, to illuminate our darkness, to give us something to dream about. Nothing is lost, merely transformed.”

“I love you, River.”

She was silent for a moment and then realized the truth. She’d loved him from the moment she’d seen him, that connection sparking to life. “I love you, too, Jax.”

He turned to her, a sad smile on his face. “I wish I knew my name.”

But he had a name. She’d been wrong in her dream. He had a true name. “It’s Jax. You’re Jax, and that’s all you need to be.”

He was quiet for a moment, though his hand slid over hers, connecting them again. “The others worry they left people behind. I don’t think I had anyone.”

“You did. I know you did.” She knew it deep inside. Now that she’d cast off the weight of her past, she could see him as he was. Lovely. Amazing. She threaded her fingers through his, loving how warm he was. “I think you had parents. A mom. A dad. Maybe both. I think they loved you so much that love imprinted on you and even when the memory was gone, the love remained. It protected you. It shielded you like nothing else could. That love was there when you needed it. You came out whole, Jax.”

“No, I’m broken.” There was a hoarseness to his voice.

She shook her head and made her decision. She needed him to believe. She let go of his hands and straddled him, looking him straight in the eyes as she cupped his face. “You might be broken, but you’re whole. We’re all broken. Some of us forget to pick up our lost pieces and tape them back into place. But you didn’t, baby. You somehow held yourself together. You found brothers to care about and protect. You didn’t give in to the darkness. You should be a monster, but you’re not. You should be shut down and twisted, angry at anyone who didn’t go through what you did. But you saved me. You loved me.”

“Love you,” he corrected as his hands came up to cup her hips. “I’ll always love you. But I don’t think I can stay with you. I really am a wanted man. I would bring that down on this town if I stayed. They’ll come for me, but I need you to know that no matter what happens, I’ll love you. I’ll die some day loving you.”

“Because I was your first?” She had to ask. It didn’t make a difference, but she wanted to know. There could be other women for him.

“Because you’re my only.” He put his hands on her back, drawing her down. “Because my love for you won’t die, it’ll merely transform. When I’m gone I want you to feel my arms around you. I want you to know that I’m waiting for you, for the day we’ll be together again. In this life or somewhere else. I know it because this feeling can’t be wrong, and it can’t be destroyed. It’s forever.”

The world went watery as she lowered her mouth to his. Emotion overwhelmed her for the second time. This wasn’t about mourning, though. This emotion was the relief and joy of a soul finding its mate. She’d been wrong when she’d said he was whole. Jax himself might be whole but he wasn’t complete without her. He was a part of her soul now, the part that had faith, the part that believed, the part that loved.

She kissed him as the stars above lit the night.