SHARILYN ZELDA LEE SWEE MEI: Now let’s get everything very clear from the start, Your Benevolence. I’ve come to get your advice not because I’m desperate – ha! everyone thinks all women over 35 who have not found husbands are desperate! Let me repeat, I’m not desperate, I’m simply being an unwilling participant in an experiment being conducted by the Social Enhancement Unit, and have been foolish enough to promise full co-operation. They have been quoting you left and right in their lectures on Marriage and Love and Family and the Role of Women and what have you. He in particular has been quoting you at every outing we have been to; the last time he quoted you, he said something like ‘Confucius he say, woman must walk three paces behind man, with eyes cast on ground.’ I was tempted to retort, ‘This is because if man walks three paces behind woman, his eyes will be cast on her behind’, but I let it pass. I want, once and for all, Your Benevolence, to get it straight from you. I confess I have not yet read your Analects, though these are compulsory reading for the SEU Initiation Programme; I was too busy reading Keats and Byron and Shakespeare. So here I am, part of a ridiculous experiment – but perhaps, Your Benevolence, I should brief you on the experiment before I ask your advice.
CONFUCIAN SAGE: The Master he say, always very good for woman to be brief and go straight for the point.
SHARILYN ZELDA LEE SWEE MEI: Well, as you may know, Your Benevolence, the SEU is very worried about what they perceive to be a growing trend among young educated women in Singapore – the trend to stay unmarried because their expectations of their marriage partners have far overtaken the reality. Simply put, Your Benevolence, Singaporean women have become too intelligent, articulate and socially sophisticated for Singaporean men. Oh, how painful, how traumatic to go on a date with a man who picks his teeth in public, Your Benevolence, and speaks horrible, ungrammatical English! The SEU has been trying very hard to persuade us to overlook all these deficiencies which they say can be corrected after marriage with a little patience and care. Now it has launched this ludicrous experiment, and before I know anything, I’m in the centre of it! You see, Your Benevolence, they want to match the most articulate, sophisticated and idealistic Singaporean female with the least polished and the least attractive Singaporean male, to prove that it can work! If these two extremes are seen to be happily matched, then the SEU can turn around and confidently tell the other couples for whom the gap is less severe: “You too can make it,” thereby fulfilling its primary function as the nation’s premier matchmaking institution. For this purpose, I, Sharilyn Zelda Lee Swee Mei, have been picked by the computer to be paired with a Mr Chow Pock Mook, and a whole elaborate programme of meetings and outings and cosy tête-à-têtes has been drawn up for us. The SEU is, needless to say, very anxious for the experiment to succeed, for they have invested much time and effort and money in it. But it’s not succeeding! I have told the SEU so, but they keep insisting that I give it another try and that is why I have come to get advice from you, the great Sage. As I mentioned earlier, this is a kind of concession to the partner the computer picked for me, Mr Chow Pock Mook, who has the highest regard for your teachings. I confess I would be more comfortable seeking advice from the English bards who were such an inspiration to me in both my undergraduate and postgraduate years in England, but, as I had earlier indicated, I am prepared to co-operate fully with the SEU and give this Mr Chow Pock Mook a last chance.
CONFUCIAN SAGE: Yes, the Master he say virtuous woman always must prepare to co-opulate with man.
SHARILYN ZELDA LEE SWEE MEI: Your Benevolence, let me be totally candid with you. I do look for a certain measure of physical attractiveness in a man – which woman does not? Oh, I am not demanding the looks of Robert Redford or Burt Reynolds and he does not have to exude the sexuality of Tom Selleck, but is it too much to ask for a man who is the same height as oneself, who does not have gold teeth and who dresses respectably? I had fed the computer with precisely these requirements. I had ranked, as the first prerequisite, ‘Absence of gold teeth’, followed by ‘Possession of minimum height of five feet four inches in stockinged feet’ and ‘Absence of tendency to wear starched white cotton shirts with singlets underneath’ (singlets showing through shirts are not only passé but decidedly awful, Your Benevolence) and what do I get? Precisely what I do not want. I am landed with Mr Chow Pock Mook who has not one but two gold teeth – Oh, Your Benevolence, they glint horribly both by sunlight and candlelight – and who wears the same light blue or light grey short-sleeved cotton shirt the whole year round and the shirt is so ill-fitting that when he sits down and raises his arms to rest them along the top of the sofa, the shirt actually opens in between the buttons to force upon my sight horrendous glimpses of singlet inside! Oh, the pain of it. Yet it is nothing compared to the sheer agony of the gold teeth, Your Benevolence. The thought of lovely morning sunshine gently breaking through my Laura Ashley lace curtains, to suddenly light upon a gold molar in a cavernous mouth beside me, puts me in a cold sweat: Oh, how should I get through the rest of the day, not to mention the rest of the marriage?
CONFUCIAN SAGE: Gold in mouth is reflection of gold in heart; woman very foolish to throw away such treasure.
SHARILYN ZELDA LEE SWEE MEI: I can see that you are not very sympathetic, Your Benevolence, but let me continue. If this Mr Chow Pock Mook had a sharp mind, were capable of witticisms, humorous puns and verbal banter, then even the evil of the gold teeth might be somewhat mitigated. But oh, Your Benevolence, he can talk of nothing beyond his next salary increase or some big engineering project that he has been called to assist in or his mother’s cooking! And the way he speaks English! I have never come across anyone who so brutalises the rules of English grammar. The task of mentally correcting his every mistake of grammar and pronunciation leaves me quite exhausted. But I had thought to give the man a chance. Perhaps his wretched speech could be compensated for by a sound intellect, a love of intellectual inquiry, a passion for literature. I tried hard to probe his mind, to find out the extent of his knowledge and his reading, but all he could remember was that he did Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night when he was in Secondary Four, and even then, he could not recollect anything about the play except two answers which he had memorised for the examination. And his entire knowledge of English poetry is encompassed by the lines:
For men may come and men may go
But I go on forever.
He kept repeating the lines to me, with an air of great learning; I never squirmed so much in my life. I tried to tell him a few jokes, based on puns and subtle word-play, but it took me so long to explain them that in the end I gave up. The jokes he enjoys are banal or crude in the extreme and he has the naivete to think that I enjoy them too! He must have told me the one about ‘The Emperor And The Dog That Was Operated On’, at least six times, and the one about ‘The Monk In The Latrine’ at least four times.
CONFUCIAN SAGE: The Master he say Emperor must be benevolent ruler and must rule well and with justice; a good and just man, he is emperor even if he is a beggar. The Master he say Monk must be clean, must be good example of virtue; if not, he is like stinking latrine.
SHARILYN ZELDA LEE SWEE MEI: Oh, Your Benevolence, we seem to be talking at cross-purposes, but you have to pardon me, I have not finished. And if you sense increasing agitation in my voice, it is because I am agitated and distressed to be made the victim in this senseless SEU experiment. By now, I must be a national laughing-stock. We were in this restaurant. Your Benevolence, a place hot and noisy and simply awful with spittoons under the large, circular stone-topped tables, but he had suggested going to this place for lunch, because he particularly liked the fish-head soup with ginger that was a specialty there, and he needed to use the spittoon. I went along reluctantly. Oh the horror of it! He very soon abandoned spoon and chopsticks and went for the large fish-head with bare hands, slurping and making a loud running commentary on its merits. He poked and prodded the monstrous fish-head in search of delectable bits of flesh here and there, he gouged out the eyes with a violent forefinger, offered one to me and upon my refusal, happily proceeded to chew both in the most revolting manner. His whole face was suffused with the sweat of sheer satiety; his shiny pate was the shinier with the moisture, and every now and then, he took out a large, blue-striped cotton handkerchief from his trouser pocket and wiped the steam that had gathered on his horn-rimmed spectacles. He was eating with such enjoyment that he did not notice that I had hardly touched the food; the look of revulsion on my face was obvious to everyone except him. When at last he finished, he wiped his mouth, first with his by now damp handkerchief and then on his left shirt sleeve, sniffed at his fingers with the most vulgar display of nose-twitching that I had ever seen and then got up to go and wash them at a sink at the back of the restaurant, without so much as an ‘Excuse me’. He returned shortly, wiping his hands on his handkerchief and still making little appreciative smacking noises, sat down, emitted two loud burps, picked up the spittoon, gathered the phlegm in his throat with horrible crackling sounds resembling those of jumping fire crackers and finally spat into the obnoxious, filthy-looking vessel. While waiting for the waiter to come with the bill, he lay back against his chair, with a languidly contented look on his moist face. Then he began to feel with his tongue for bits of meat and vegetable lodged between his teeth, and he opened his mouth wide and stuck in his forefinger and thumb to try to dislodge the bits, turning his head this way and that, and grimacing most grotesquely. Unable to stand the sight any longer, I called for some toothpicks which I pushed towards him on the table. And he grabbed one and began picking his teeth vigorously with it, without bothering to cover up the whole operation with the free hand, as one would expect. When I left the restaurant with him, I was so ashamed that I vowed I would never go out with him again. But the SEU insisted that the programme which had cost them a lot of money and effort, had to be gone through, to its completion. They kept telling me that I ought to have more patience.
CONFUCIAN SAGE: The frog it will wait for the chirping insect. Moon passes by, and clouds pass by. But frog will go on waiting. Patient frog get insect in the end.
SHARILYN ZELDA LEE SWEE MEI: I don’t know about frogs and insects, your Benevolence, but let me tell you of something equally revolting! The next day, at the insistence of the SEU, I suppose, Mr Chow Pock Mook called and said he was coming over with a present for me. The optimistic part of me said that the situation might still be saved: suppose he came with a dozen long-stemmed deep-red roses and an appropriate message on a card? Miracles do happen, and the benefits of his six months’ attachment to an engineering firm in France some years ago might not have been lost after all. He could actually have picked up some refined forms of courtship there, and had just let them lie unapplied up to now. But what did I see? A large raw fish-head! The mouth was wide, gaping, and the eyes were vacuous and protuberant. They were the most obscene protuberances I had ever seen. “Fish very good and expensive”, said Mr Chow enthusiastically, “Very good for fish-head bee-hoon soup, like my mudder and grandmudder used to make”. He advised me to quickly put the fish-head in my refrigerator. Fish!
CONFUCIAN SAGE: The Master he say give woman fish and she will have meal for a day. Teach woman to fish and she will have meal for lifetime. The Master he also say, give woman flower, and her stomach still go hungry. Therefore fish better than flower.
SHARILYN ZELDA LEE SWEE MET: Oh Your Benevolence, you keep misunderstanding me. Well, I was so depressed that I was unable to get to work the next day. But a fortunate thing it turned out to be, for who should call, but an old flame! Somebody I had met briefly in England. He happened to be in Singapore on vacation, and he called to say hello and ask how I was. Oh, to hear good English spoken again! To hear refined laughter! Most of all, to hear my name pronounced correctly. Mr Chow Pock Mook is incapable of pronouncing the ‘r’ and the ‘z’ sounds, Your Benevolence, and as a result my name comes out from his mouth cruelly mutilated! I was so relieved at seeing this friend – his name is Mr Vernon Alexander James Wu – that I forgot about the special SEU programme for that day. Needless to say, the SEU was very cross with me and gave me the usual lecture about the ideal Confucian woman who is totally modest, chaste and faithful and who will never dream of playing around with other men.
CONFUCIAN SAGE: The Master he give this warning to all flirtatious women: woman who play with men come to sticky end!
SHARILYN ZELDA LEE SWEE MEI: Your Benevolence, you keep turning everything I say against me. I can see that it is no use talking any longer or seeking any advice from you. I wish now that I had gone to seek the advice of my English Bard instead; he would have been more helpful and sympathetic! Goodbye.
***
MR CHOW POCK MOOK: Ah, Sir ah, I come to you because I want advice. The SEU it match me with this lady – her name very hard to pronounce – got all funny sounds – and I think some problem now. I promise to co-operate with SEU, they say they spend a lot of government money on the project, and I a very good civil servant, so I want to cooperate. My boss, he’s very good boss, he tells me if project of SEU succeed, will give his company good name, and he will give me promotion. Last promotion, I got increase $240. Actually, Sir, I want to go to Confucian Sage for advice, because I think he will understand me better, but this lady – her name Miss Sha-lilyn Jal-da Lee Swee Mei – she always speak of her English Bard, how you inspire her, how she learn so many things from you, so for her sake, I come to ask advice to solve problem. We are going out on the SEU programme many months now, it is good programme, but problem has crop up, and I think Miss Sha-lilyn Jal-da not very happy.
ENGLISH BARD:
The spot of rose on my lady’s cheek,
Is it gone?
‘Tis a pity!
Oh, to move worlds
Till the spot is restored
And my lady smiles once more.
MR CHOW POCK MOOK: Sir, ah, problem is she don’t like me to smile. She don’t like men who have gold teeth, and I got this gold teeth for twenty-five years now; they very good quality gold, my grandfather had whole front row all gold teeth, and my father also, and I think they bring us luck. But Miss Sha-lilyn Jal-dah don’t like them. She is a very modern lady, Sir, and has the high education in England, and speaks the good high class English that sometimes very difficult to understand. I learnt English in school, Sir, and now I go for English lessons twice a week, but still cannot speak so good and so fast like Miss Sha-lilyn Jal-dah. Waah, Sir, she use big, big words – cannot even find them in the dictionary.
ENGLISH BARD:
Words, words, words
Less a balm to the wounded spirit
Than the soft touch of hand on cheek
Or velvet sighs in the ear
Or lingering silken gaze.
MR CHOW POCK MOOK: I don’t understand what you saying, Sir, but I will go on to explain my problem, Sir. This lady is quite beautiful, Sir. She 35 already, I think, but can still have some children if marry now. She likes to wear the fashionable, fashionable clothes and the mini-skirt and one day she wear a very short black mini-skirt, make her look sexy when she sit on a sofa. I just look at her legs – all men like to look at beautiful women’s legs, do you agree, Sir? heh! heh! – and I wipe my glasses because cannot see so clearly and when I look again, she got up and look very angry. She said Singaporean men are very disgusting because very ‘hum-sub’. But the SEU lecturers say we must appreciate women’s beauty, must say lomantic things, but then when we get lomantic, they get angry. Ah, Sir, Singaporean women very hard to please. What for want to wear mini-skirt and then get angry if we look?
ENGLISH BARD:
Dost hear the rustling of her skirts?
Hush, my lady comes.
Dost see her face upturned
To gaze’upon the moon?
Her hand upon her pale bosom.
Oh to be that hand, upon that throbbing bosom!
See, she sways, as in a swoon,
Ah, my lady sways.
MR CHOW POCK MOOK: Yes, Sir, my mudder, my grandmudder, my aunties they all say that Miss Sha-lilyn Jal-dah is very ‘suay’, is no good for me – if I marry her, it will be very bad luck for me. Chinese believe if marry certain type of women who are ‘suay’, man will suffer bad luck for many years. My mudder says Miss Sha-lilyn Jal-dah’s mouth not lucky mouth, and she has black mole on one cheek which my grandmudder says it will cause bad luck in family. Also, way she walks. Her feet point outwards, so pushing, pushing away good luck and money, whereas if feet point inwards, very good, keeping in good luck and money. I don’t mind too much, Sir, I educated man, so not so superstitious. But my mudder and grandmudder and aunties, they are still old-fashioned and they think Miss Sha-lilyn Jal-dah is a very ‘suay’ woman, no good for man. I cannot tell the SEU this because will feel very bad, because they already spend so much money on the project, and they say I am best civil servant and my boss say too.
ENGLISH BARD:
‘Be not a servant to your passions,’ said my spirit.
But how can I still the storm in my aching breast?
How quell the passion and lust?
Yes-lust-unashamedly I say it –
O woe betide me! I am lost
O Love’s Lust Lost
MR CHOW POCK MOOK: Ah, Sir, ah, you speak the high class English too, that is not so easy to understand for me. Oh, Sir, I want to understand Miss Sha-lilyn Jal-dah but our meetings, always something happen to spoil our meetings. The SEU say must bring present for lady to make her happy, I bring her fish-head. Very good fish-head, Sir. I ask the fish-seller at my market to specially reserve for me. If not buy by 9.30 every morning, all his fish-head sold out. Very good quality, and cost me $9.50! I bring the fish-head to Miss Sha-lilyn Jal-dah’s house, and I look at her face, and she is not happy at all. As a matter of fact, she look very angry, and she just put the fish in the fridge and say nothing. Do this, not right, do that, not right, what she expect me to do? I think even if die for her, she will not be satisfied!
ENGLISH BARD:
Wouldst thou die for me? She cries.
I wouldst for thee!
Cold steel, gleaming in the darkness,
Leaps, plunges straight into that heaving bosom
And she dies
With his name imprinted loving on her lips.
MR CHOW POCK MOOK: Sir, I’m sorry to say I still cannot understand you. You speak all the difficult English and English poetry. I think, Sir, it’s waste of time to come to you. I should have gone to Confucian Sage instead; he give good advice, you only say poetry that appear all nonsense to me – goodbye, Sir.