Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess in Singapore, so beautiful that all came to court her, from far and wide. Actually, she was not a real princess, but the title of ‘Singapore Princess’ conferred upon her in the annual Beauty Contest among young maidens, was almost as good as the real thing. Indeed, it was the opinion of all that no real princess in the world could match Singapore Princess in her beauty. Her skin was pure porcelain, her eyes were the perfect shape of almonds, her lips the essence of rosebuds, her tresses a cascade of silken ebony, her breasts, a pair of perfectly shaped and hued apricots ripening on branch, her tiny feet two pink lotus buds in bloom. O the ineffable beauty of Singapore Princess!
Now there was a Wise Man of Singapore who astonished everybody by the extent and depth of his knowledge and wisdom. This Wise Man was very pleased by the crowning of Singapore Princess because he had actually predicted that one day such a maiden would appear in Singapore and dazzle all with her beauty. The Wise Man had even predicted the exact day when the star would make its appearance in the Singapore firmament. He was able to do this because he had detailed knowledge of the family from which this paragon was sprung.
It was the Wong family, and they had come, many years ago, from their hometown, Ipoh, in Malaysia, to settle in Singapore. Now Ipoh was well known for the beautiful women it was continually producing; some speculated that it was the special Ipoh soil and water that have also successfully produced the best pomelos and groundnuts in the country. Whatever the cause, the women from Ipoh were renowned for their very fine complexions and delicate features. The Wise Man of Singapore looked closely at the first Wong lady to settle in Singapore: she was extremely lovely even though in those days, feminine charms were hidden behind very loose blouses and trousers. The Wise Man, looking at her, proclaimed that even though she was the most beautiful woman he had seen, there would come one, some time in the future, who would surpass her in loveliness, as the swan surpasses the goose. The Wise Man did not mean to disparage the lady; he only meant to convey the impression of a beauty so great that it was hardly within the power of speech to describe it. In his knowledge and wisdom, he said that it would take three generations for the beauty in the Wong lineage to reach full flowering, and when the final triumph came, it would leave the country spellbound.
And the Wise Man had predicted correctly – right down to the last detail of design and colour of the swimsuit worn by Singapore Princess as she paraded on the dais, and the men were stunned into a state of speechless wonder, so that a full minute elapsed before they broke into delirious cheers.
Every eligible bachelor in Singapore wanted to woo Singapore Princess; they came from far and wide, as far away as Pulau Tekong and Kusu Island. But the Princess remained aloof and unattainable, and the wooers went away with sadness in their hearts.
Now there was somebody who was also very sad, but for a different reason. This was Lady Matchmaker who had been given the awesome responsibility of finding husbands for the plainest and least endowed of Singapore’s maidens. Her job was a very difficult one indeed, and just now, she had more than 150 unwed maidens on her hands, with very little likelihood of their being sought. The crowning of Singapore Princess, and the excitement that it had created among the men, caused this good lady to remark sadly, “Oh, the unfairness of Fate! Why must so much beauty be concentrated in one person? If the Princess’s beauty had been equally distributed among my poor unwed maidens, I’m sure there would be enough for each to be unwed no longer! Oh, the unfairness of it all!”
The Wise Man of Singapore heard about Lady Matchmaker’s predicament and decided that he would do something to help her. He thought up a plan. And it was this: invitations would be sent out to all the eligible men in Singapore to try to win the hand of Singapore Princess in marriage. To do so, they would have to take part in a contest, and the one who won it would have the Princess as the prize. The trick, of course (and here the Wise Man leaned over to Lady Matchmaker with a conspiratorial wink of his heavily hooded eyes), was to make the contest so very difficult that nobody would succeed. All the hopeful young men would fail miserably, as a result of which they would have to pay a penalty. And the penalty was that (here the Wise Man leaned even closer to Lady Matchmaker and slowly stroked the three venerable long hair on his venerable chin), every one of those who failed would have to take a bride from Lady Matchmaker’s pool of hopefuls.
When Lady Matchmaker heard this, she clapped her hands in joy, but still she could not help being anxious.
‘How are we going to ensure that all the young men will fail the test?’ she asked. ‘I have at present 158 unwed maidens in my care, and I need precisely that number of young men.’
‘Leave it to me,’ said the Wise Man of Singapore. ‘I am not called Wise Man for nothing.’
Soon the news of the contest spread to the furthest corners of the country. Everybody was talking about the contest. In it, each young man aspiring for the hand of Singapore Princess would have to devise seven questions to ask the Wise Man of Singapore, one question for each day of the week. If the Wise Man was unable to answer all the questions, the young man would be the winner and could claim Singapore Princess for his bride. If the Wise Man on the other hand was able to answer the questions, the young man would be led away by Lady Matchmaker.
Everyone thought that the test was a very difficult one, for the Wise Man of Singapore had such extensive knowledge and wisdom that it would be difficult, nay impossible, to ask him a question for which he would be unable to provide the correct answer. His knowledge was as boundless as the sky, as deep as the ocean. Still, the young men of Singapore were so smitten by the charms of Singapore Princess, that they were prepared to undergo any test. They were of course fully aware of the penalty attached to failure, but being totally enamoured of Singapore Princess, the likes of whom they had never seen and knew they would never see again, they were prepared to face the most direful consequences of failure.
So the contest began. Oh, the knowledge, the erudition of the Wise Man of Singapore! There was nothing that he did not know. The young men, armed with the most difficult questions that they had racked their brains to devise, were no match for him. He answered every single question correctly. He knew everything.
“What was the colour of the tie of the first President of Singapore at his inauguration?’ All waited with bated breath. The Wise Man replied calmly and confidently, ‘Blue’ and added, ‘with thin yellow diagonal stripes.”
“Give the name of the Chinese gentleman who had the most wives, give the number of his wives, the number of his offspring, and the year of his death.”
The Wise Man, smilingly fingering the venerable hairs on his chin, said, ‘Mr Tan Mong Pee, number of legal wives 11, number of offspring (including those by illegal wives) 74, year of death 1952, at the ripe old age of 88.’
Everyone gasped.
“Which part of a woman’s anatomy would it be necessary for her to have a mole if she wished continuous good luck for her husband during the first seven years of their marriage?”
Here the Wise Man looked down and contemplated his long tapering fingers; the watching crowds thought, “Maybe this one’s got him stumped,” but it was a momentary distraction only, for he looked up and said serenely, “Two centimetres above the right corner of her upper lip.”
“How much did the Minister of Finance have in his Post Office savings account when he was 11 years old?”
“Three dollars and seventy-five cents. All in stamps.”
“What percentage decrease has there been in the choice of the name of “Ah Kow” for male babies over the last 15 years, and what percentage increase has there been in the choice of western names over the same period?”
“Now that’s a difficult one,” thought the crowd, and looked anxiously at the Wise Man. The Wise Man, by now enjoying the aura of genuine admiration that had gathered around him, said with a benign smile, “65.7 per cent decrease in relation to ‘Ah Kow’; 68.4 per cent increase in relation to western names.”
The crowd roared their admiration. The poor nonplussed young man whose questions had failed to topple the Wise Man from his seat of knowledge and learning, was led away, looking very dispirited, by Lady Matchmaker to claim his bride, an over-eager maiden of 38 who, upon sight of the good-looking young man, broke into a cry of delight and claimed immediate possession.
And so the questioning went on, and the questions became harder and harder, but the Wise Man could answer them all. And so the saddened young suitors were led away, one by one, to the brides waiting eagerly for them. One of the suitors, on seeing his bride who was twice his size and had enormous projecting front teeth, fell into a swoon, but was soon revived, and very sadly he went away to a far-off part of Singapore and was never heard of or seen again.
Now there came a young man from the furthermost part of the country, who said that he too wanted to try to win the hand of Singapore Princess. Nobody had seen him before, and all looked at him with pity, for they were certain that, like the rest, he would fail the test, and would have to marry the last remaining unwed maid, an astonishingly plain maid with an enormous mole in the middle of her forehead and very large, coarse-looking hands and feet.
This young man was the handsomest of the suitors, and as soon as Singapore Princess set eyes on him, she thought, “Oh, I would be so happy to be his wife! Look at his noble mien, his princely bearing!” And she was crestfallen at the thought that like all the others before him, he would be outwitted by the Wise Man of Singapore.
The young man, exuding confidence, was ready with his questions, one for each day of the week. The crowds came to watch, numbering in the thousands, for the news of the bold young man had spread far and wide and created a stir. Some had come in the expectation of seeing him led off to marry Maiden Big Mole (for that was the somewhat unkind nickname given to the remaining unwed maid); some had come in the hope that this unusual young man would live up to his promise, outwit the Wise Man (who was becoming a little too arrogant in his success) and win the hand of the beauteous Princess.
On the first day, the young man, folding his arms across his chest, and looking straight at the Wise Man, asked in a clear loud voice, “What do Singapore men and women want of each other as marriage partners?”
The Wise Man lifted his hooded eyes very slowly in response to the insultingly simple question, then launched into an extended discourse on the qualities and attributes that Singapore men and women looked for in each other, quoting in detail from the Marriage Manual that had been published by Lady Matchmaker’s matchmaking organisation (which, indeed, he had had a hand in preparing). He paused, and the young man said, “Incorrect! The correct answer is this: Singapore men like their women to be all dollared up and the women like all the men to be Cashanovas, for the sake of marital har-money.”
The crowds roared their agreement, and the Wise Man was about to make a protest but changed his mind and subsided into quiet muttering.
The next day, the young man, again looking intently at the Wise Man, said, “Singaporean Chinese have very short ones, whereas Singaporean Indians have much longer ones. What are these?”
“Easy,” thought the Wise Man, but in deference to the ladies present in the crowd, he merely whispered the answer in the young man’s ear, cupping a hand over the ear to make doubly sure that the ladies would not hear.
“Wrong!” shouted the young man triumphantly. “The answer is ‘Surnames’!” The crowds rocked in merriment.
On the third day, the young man, with a stern look on his princely brow, asked, “What evidence is there that the population control policy of Singapore had applied to and continues to apply to animals as well?”
The Wise Man had a quizzical frown on his face; the crowds looked at him in increasing excitement. The Wise Man tried to think of all the animals in the Chinese zodiac on which the question might have some bearing, but he was able to mentally reach only the eighth in the list of twelve animals before his time was up, and the young man proclaimed with gusto, “The answer is: All the signs in Singapore that say ‘No Littering, Please’!”
The crowds were so impressed by the young man’s cleverness that it was some time before they recovered from their amazement and began to cheer him loudly.
On the fourth day, the young man (who by now was exuding the total confidence of the victor) looked straight at the Wise Man (who by now was showing the nervousness of the loser) and asked, “Which Shakespearean play is the favourite of Singapore’s ‘hum-subs’?”
Now the Wise Man had detailed knowledge of all of Singapore’s ‘hum-subs’; he knew exactly how many there were, and he knew how their propensity for lechery was manifested by great physiological diversity, such as clusterings of moles on the ears, a bulbous nose or a rotund belly, and he knew precisely the kinds of Chinese comics that they devoured in secret, but he had no idea of the Shakespearean plays that they read. Soon his time was up, and the young man said with much aplomb, “The answer is ‘King Leer’!”
The crowds were thrilled by such a display of brilliance. The ‘hum-subs’ among the crowds took mental note of the title of the play for their future reading.
On the fifth day, the young man, with a great deal of flourish (for he had a tendency to be a little theatrical) asked, “What advice from Confucius is posted up for the benefit of lovers in the Chinese Garden and other courting haunts in Singapore?”
The question caused much excitement in the crowds, and everybody turned to look at the Wise Man. There was an air of great suspense. Now the Wise Man knew the exact number of lovers who had gone to the Chinese Garden and the other courting haunts in Singapore, from the very day that these were thrown open to the public for the purpose, and he remembered a sign near a pond in the Chinese Garden that said ‘No Fishing’, not because lovers had shown any interest in that activity but because a couple, on one occasion, had parked themselves too close to the pond, and had rolled into it, being deep in mud and lotus leaves before they were aware of what had happened.
The Wise Man therefore said, “No Fishing” but his answer was drowned out by a jubilant roar from the young man, “No! The correct answer is: “Love woman under tree, because willow talk less dangerous than pillow talk!”
The crowd cheered wildly; they thought it was excellent advice, and many made a mental note of it, intending to profit by it the next time they went to the Chinese Garden. On the sixth day, the young man, his eyes two glittering orbs of fire, asked in a thunderous voice, “What evidence is there that polygamy is encouraged in Singapore?”
The Wise Man was momentarily thrown off balance by this question and was about to protest that polygamy was not encouraged in Singapore when the young man cried out loudly, “The answer is the slogan that all of you are familiar with: ‘Have three or more – if you can afford’!”
The crowd was wild with jubilation; an elderly gentleman with a bald head was heard to chuckle in glee, “Good! Now I can bring all four out of hiding and make respectable women out of them! I can afford them!”
On the seventh and last day, the crowds were
so large that it was almost impossible to control them. They gathered round
with mounting eagerness, looking expectantly at the young man as he stood up to
his
full height and surveyed all of them with princely hauteur before he addressed
the final question to the Wise Man. And the question was this: “What local food
in Singapore presents a biological puzzle to tourists?”
Now the Wise Man’s knowledge of biology, like his knowledge of history and folklore was extensive, but somehow he had never connected it with food or tourists. By this time, however, he had more or less lost confidence in himself, so he merely shrugged his shoulders in defeat, at which the young man shouted above the heads of the crowds: “Fish ball soup!”
Everyone applauded enthusiastically. The applause went on and on, and everyone wanted to congratulate the young man, both for his brilliance of mind and for winning Singapore Princess as his bride. The Wise Man slunk away, looking subdued and humbled and promising to be less complacent in future and to gain more knowledge of Singaporeans.
Lady Matchmaker, although somewhat disappointed that she had lost the opportunity of disposing of Maiden Big Mole (who was likely, following the destruction of her most cherished dream, to be more difficult than ever), was, on the whole, pleased that the contest had resulted in her successfully getting husbands for the rest of the maidens. The only person she felt sorry for, apart from Maiden Big Mole, was the Wise Man of Singapore, but with a certain plan that she intended to carry out very soon, she was confident that he too would reap the benefits of the contest. The plan was this: She would seek him out in the place where he had gone into hiding, declare her love and admiration for him and propose that they get married, thereby fulfilling her ambition to enlarge the circle of beneficiaries of her matchmaking prowess to include herself. As for the young man and Singapore Princess, there was not a happier couple in the land. They got married soon afterwards, and lived happily ever after.