Sometimes when we talk about relationships, we forget to talk about family. Our relationships to our parents, our brothers, our sisters, and our kids all inform who we are. Of course, just because they are family doesn’t mean it’s a relationship that’s going to work—family just means you’re related by blood—but sometimes there are other families that are better suited for you, more than the one you were born into.
What I mean is that the concept of family is ever evolving. My mom is gone, so I have inserted myself in my daughter’s family. My friend Tom’s mom is gone; she was fantastic and we both miss her, so I’ve inserted Tom into my family. So we evolve with the people we care about. You can’t ever say, “That’s not a family,” or “This is not a family.” It’s like I said, the Cleavers are not our role model.
It starts with your parents. As you get older, you realize they’re only human, like the rest of us. You want them to love you and accept you, and they drive you crazy over certain things, but you can’t make them into other people. The relationship with your parents can be one of the hardest you have, but it evolves. Like, you get older and they actually seem to get younger.
Relationships with siblings are very strange, and after you’re no longer living together, you ask yourself, “Is he somebody I would want to know if I weren’t related to him?” If the answer is no, the answer is no. That’s okay; it happens. Just make sure you’re clear about why it’s true, why you’re tossing somebody away, or why you’re withholding, or why you’re jealous. You have to look at all these things.
With your siblings and your parents, you learn the importance of patience. It’s a skill you must develop for all your future relationships, and you’ll need it for your own kids, along with being thoughtful and kind.
Like I said, I had my daughter when I was young, and I loved her as soon as she came out. But that doesn’t mean there weren’t ups and downs in the relationship; it doesn’t mean there weren’t challenges.
My daughter got pregnant when she was just sixteen. While I wasn’t thrilled about it at the time, we did have a close enough relationship that she could call me up and tell me and know I wasn’t going to hit the roof. So she and her husband got married very early. And since then, they have divorced and married each other three times. That’s love. It took them all this time to recognize that “It is you; you are the person I want to be with,” and in order to get to that point, they had to grow up and grow apart and grow up and grow apart.
First of all, their kids were thrilled they got back together. Second, I was thrilled, because I knew that they really needed to be together. They didn’t know that at first, so they had to work it out on their own, growing and evolving as individuals and continuing to come back to each other.
It took her a little while, but she got to it. So did the dad. I’m very happy for them.
So, I like my family. They are very, very nice people.
I mentioned how my mother was tough, but she taught me a tremendous amount. She understood me, she knew who I was, and she was able to advise me. My brother was also always supportive of me and helped me develop the ability to become who I became.
My daughter had her first child very young, but she’s raised three insanely personable people. And now there’s this new great-grandbaby who is very bizarre, but that’s a whole new book. This girl knew how to work an iPad before she could talk or walk. My great-granddaughter can swipe with her little finger. It’s wild.
But those relationships—you know, mothers and daughters have weird relationships. Fathers and daughters have weird relationships. It just goes with the territory. Mothers in particular think, “I have to protect the children. I’ve got to keep the children happy before I make myself happy.” Or “How does a man or anybody else fit into this picture of my family?”
You got kids, your first priority is your kids, period. If you’re single, it might be a couple of years before you bring anybody home. As I mentioned, if you have single friends, you can arrange a hit-and-run. But realistically, those children are your life right there. Once you commit to a kid, that’s your primary connection. You may have your husband or your wife, and that’s great, but that child creates a whole different set of circumstances for you whether you are married or not. Other people that you bring into the picture have to figure that out, and know where they fit into the picture. You are not looking for a supplemental daddy or a fake daddy or whatever.
Meanwhile, your love life is not your kids’ problem. They are just trying to be kids. They just want you to love them and they want to feel safe. If you’re raising your kids, and guys are coming in and out, or women are coming in and out, it’s not good for you. Forget the kids—the kids aren’t going to give a shit, really. It’s really about how you see you. You probably don’t want an array of people coming in and out, because it makes you feel like you’re unstable. Every night a different guy. It’s like “I’m not comfortable enough to go out and do this, so I have to bring them to my house. Then what is it doing to my kids, is it endangering them?” That’s all your own shit, whether you’re a male parent or a female parent, that’s the stuff that’s in your head.
So you are better off focusing on what your body and heart are telling you, which is take care of your kids. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a love life, it’s just that the love life is not your priority. It can’t come before the kids.
On the other hand, when you are dating someone who has kids, you’re never going to be number one in that person’s life. Not ever. I say this even though it may seem obvious, because I’ve seen so many people who meet somebody and say, “He has kids and isn’t that great,” and blah, blah, blah. They think that because a man is a father that he is more mature, more responsible, and there is something about his having kids that is a big turn-on. In the beginning, maybe. But as time goes on, they are like, “Why is he taking the family on vacation again?” “Why is he always with them?” “He does whatever his kids ask him to do,” and “What about me?”
People don’t realize what they are saying when they say these things. They don’t realize they are saying, “Why are you not ignoring your children who don’t live with you and taking care of me instead?”
But, honey, you are never going to be a replacement for his kids. Even if he has them only every other weekend. Even though his ex is a bitch who tries to make his life miserable. To think otherwise is to be deeply misguided.
That’s why I’m writing this book. Too often when we get involved with someone we forget common sense. If someone has children, he may love you, he may want to spend as much time with you as possible, but you’re not going to be number one, because as every parent knows, even those who are still with their husband or their wife, when it comes to kids, the kids always come first. Everything else is secondary.
I just want people to have a better time in their relationships. And when it comes to parenting, one of the biggest mistakes most parents make is pretending that they weren’t kids and didn’t do the same exact shit as their kids are doing. Parents don’t forget. They remember. There’s a lot of stuff that parents do forget, that grown-ups do forget, but 90 percent of the time it’s not their youth. They remember the music they were listening to. They remember what they were wearing. They remember what was considered rebellious behavior.
When it comes to relationships with your own parents, it’s just a cycle. You go through certain things. Then your kids go through it. Then you deny you went through it. Then your mother says to you, “You went through this, too.” You deny it again. Then they show you the proof, and everybody is happy. So be up front and don’t pretend to be somebody you’re not.
My God, I wore a skirt that you had to wear underwear with, especially if you had your period, because otherwise you could see the tampon string—that’s how short the skirt was. So when I see these boys walking around with their pants hanging down with the cracks of their asses showing, I can’t bitch at them. I hear all kinds of adults say, “Why don’t these kids just pull up their pants?” but I remember you in your poufy rabbit jacket and your afro puffs and your big stacked shoes. You were out doing the same thing, and your parents were saying the exact same shit to you that you’re saying to your kid.
Remember that, because it’s important. You want a relationship with your kids, tell them the truth that they can take.
For example, if you were a Plaster Caster, be honest about it with your kids. When I was younger, rock-and-roll bands would go play the Fillmore East or Fillmore West, and there was this group called the Plaster Casters, who would make plaster molds of rock stars’ penises. Those women are now in their sixties, seventies, maybe even eighties, and they have whole shelves at home filled with these penis molds. If you are too young to know about this, you might think I am making it up. But I’m not. This is the kind of stuff people did back then. It’s not what I particularly did, but it’s what was going on around me at the time.
We had sex as soon as the Pill came out, because you could have sex anywhere, and no one was going to come and get you. If you got pregnant in the old days, before the Pill and the sexual revolution, they made you disappear. One day the girl would be in school, and the next day she would be gone; she would be in the “home for wayward girls,” hidden away so no one would know she was pregnant. But, baby, when that Pill hit, people were having sex with all kinds of people at all kinds of times.
So if you were having sex, figure that your kids may be interested in having sex, too. It’s not this thing that doesn’t happen. Denial doesn’t make it go away. They are having it younger and younger, so conversations must be had.
If you were a Plaster Caster, you’ve got to say, “Listen, I get it. I tried to bone every rock-and-roll star I could find.” I guarantee you the first thing that will happen is your kids’ eyeballs will pop out, because they don’t think of you as having ever been a youth. But you have to remind them that you get it, and that’s why you’re trying to help them. Some things they are not going to listen to, but when it comes to sex, you’ve got to try talking about it with your kids.
Some people take this to mean that they should be friends with their kids. But that’s not what I’m saying. Relationships between parents and children are funny. I don’t know any tween or preteen who ever wanted her parents to be friends with her. Ever. That’s the first bid for independence that kids exhibit. They’re saying, “I’m over here with my friends. You feed me, I get that. I live here with you. But they know stuff. You don’t know shit. I’m hanging with them.” And that’s as it should be, because that’s how children learn to socialize. You can be friendly, and you can be honest and advise them, but you’re not their friend. You have to be the hard-ass. It’s part of the job. If you’re going to have kids, you’ve got to be the one who says, “I don’t care what Bobby’s parents said; you’re not doing that.” You have to accept that they are not going to like it, or you. But your parents survived it, and you will, too.
And you’re not going to like all their friends. You’re allowed to say, “I’m not sure about this person.” You’re allowed to say, “I would like to know his parents.” Obviously you love your children, and you may even like them and want them to like you, but you have to be the voice of wisdom and authority. So, you’re allowed to say, “I want to go see where you’re going.” And “If you don’t call me, to let me know you’re still alive, you’ll never see your phone again.” And you’re allowed to take the phone away from them. You’re allowed to say, “Hey, we’re all eating together; nobody has a phone at the table.” But then you have to put down your phone, too. Kids learn from watching what you do. You show them how to respond to people, and you show them how to talk to and about people, by your example.
Let me leave you with this:
If you don’t want to raise an asshole, don’t be one.