Donna walked toward Joshua and looked him over. He looked so much like Nathan with his wavy dirty-blond hair, younger facial features, and deep blue eyes, finished with a natural all-around seasoned tanned skin. She could also see where Josh had probably inherited some of his mother’s features.
It was sad how Nathan had missed out on his child’s earlier years. She also felt for Josh, and how he would be missing out on having his mother in his life. Suddenly thoughts were crowding Donna’s mind of how Nathan had missed out on two and a half years of his son’s life. How Josh would never get to know his mother. It was too much for Donna to bear... That she had to get the clothes and food she had mentioned to Nathan, before she broke down thinking about her own misfortunes.
“So, little man, what do you want to do besides watch TV?” she asked, bending down at Josh’s level.
Josh looked at her briefly and just shrugged his shoulders.
Ahh...it was frustrating that Josh wouldn’t speak. Donna had to break through to him. He had to speak. All kids spoke. Some babbled till they finally fell asleep. Obviously, the accident was affecting him. Donna knew only a little bit about trauma, but she did know that if Josh didn’t receive some form of help, his lack of speech might become permanent.
“Well, I’m going to make a few phone calls, and then we are going to go to the store and get you some clothes. Alright, buddy?” Donna gave him a motherly look.
He nodded his head in understanding. And that just broke her heart.
She was used to dealing with women who’d been beaten and were away from their husbands or partners. Donna’s job was to try to get them back on their feet with the resources available from her job. But she’d never dealt with children who’d been in car accidents and lost their mothers. Whatever Joshua remembered of the accident must be what was keeping his speech trapped inside him, she pondered sadly.
First, Donna was going to call her boss. Second, she might give her mom a quick ring to let her know things were well, and that she would see her at her niece, Kelly’s, first birthday party.
Finally after a few rings, her boss picked up. “Hey, Cor. I know I shouldn’t be calling you because I’m on a month’s vacation, leave of absence, or whatever you want to call it. But my good friend, Nathan—” Donna felt a mix of emotions run through her body as Corley cut her off.
“Oh, that guy you talk about often.”
“Yeah.”
“The man who’s been helping you with your loss,” Corley said pleasantly.
It seemed her boss’s fabulous memory was still just as strong, and Corley remembered everything Donna had told her in confidence when she had to sell herself to secure the job. There were to be no secrets.
“Yeah, well, it seems he did not actually suffer from the same loss,” Donna said, holding back on her rising emotions.
“What do you mean?”
“The mother of his child didn’t abort the baby.”
“What?”
“She gave birth to a son, and now she’s dead,” Donna gently said, after quickly looking back to Josh. He was deeply engrossed in the cartoons, though not laughing like many children his age would be.
“Oh, that’s terrible.”
“Yeah, but the worst part is...little Josh was the only survivor of the accident, and he won’t speak now,” she said, welling up with emotion for Josh’s pain.
“No...”
“He nods his head correctly for yes, and shakes his head for no. But he hasn’t said anything but ‘Mommy’s gone.’”
“That poor little boy. He must be going through so much trauma.”
“I know. There’s got to be a way we can reach him,” Donna mentioned casually while looking toward Josh, who was still watching cartoons. The fact that he wasn’t laughing broke her heart.
“Well, he’s going to have to see a specialist. His father should certainly look into that. And most definitely, your friend is going to need to be patient with Josh. Also, your friend will need to find some familiar things to create a happy medium. Is the boy at home?” Corley asked.
“No. I assume a social worker must have dropped him off at his father’s. His father’s living in my brother’s old luxurious bachelor pad.”
“Well, that’s not a very good place to raise a child,” Corley said in a professional tone. Donna had also told her boss about Nathan living in her brother’s old penthouse.
“No, it’s not, but it will have to do. I’m going to childproof it today because Nathan is lost and scared. I don’t blame him. I would be too if I had a child just dropped off that was mine,” Donna said solemnly.
“Maybe you should go stay with your brother or mother for the time being.”
“Cor, why would you say that?” Donna asked, offended.
“Well, I don’t know... But this might be too close to home for you.”
“Josh isn’t my son. My son is dead!”
“I know. But it may still be too hard,” Corley said delicately.
“I don’t blame Nathan for the death of Don. And I don’t blame my brother anymore.”
Donna had hated Damon for the death of her prematurely-born son who died due to the beatings of his father. Had her brother kept his mouth shut, then maybe Donna would be holding her son and perhaps be of more help to Nathan. But her brother was trying to be a hero to her, when for all Donna’s life he had never protected her as a normal brother would. Damon had grown up with their father and the many women their father went through, whereas Donna was raised by their mother. Their mother had never dated another man while raising Donna. Therefore she had no male role model to protect or teach her about men while growing up.
“Still, it might be too much for you. Donna, you just went through that really hard abuse case, and that’s why you’re on leave.”
Donna thought back to bullets flying, the sound of a mother’s gut-wrenching screams, and unconscious little bodies with blood covering them as sirens wailed in the background. Just those memories were enough to send her into the washroom to be sick. Donna felt like someone had walked over her grave and she would forever be in hell.
She was just too late...
Donna had to go into the police station to fill out reports. She refused to call anyone to come into the station to support her. Donna could do this. She had to do this. It was her job. Sitting at a desk, Donna spent a few hours answering questions and filling out reports.
She would never tell her brother about the tragedy she had witnessed.
Damon only knew Donna was just counselling these people. He didn’t know what she truly did at work. And if Damon did, he would probably lock her up.
She had gone into work the next day, and her boss, Corley, pulled her into her office. “Look, you need to take a leave of absence. I want you to take some time off. Go relax. Find a hobby. Stay as far away from children as you can. Stay away from abused women. Just rethink your life, Donna, because I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to recover from this. I know you want to help these women immensely. But, hun, you need to find peace with the loss of your own child.” Corley sat on the edge of her desk as Donna felt lost. “And you shouldn’t have been there. You know that!”
“I know. She called me and I called the police, and I thought they’d be there first. It’s just...”
“I’m sorry, sweetie. Go take some time off. You are too involved in your cases. You need to take some time off, and I might have to let you go,” Corley said, detached.
“What?” Donna asked, shocked. Her tears had broken free.
“Donna, go take some time off first. I won’t fire you now. Take a month or two off, and then come back and let me know. You might not even want to work here anymore, and that’s alright. But for now, take two months off. I’ll pay you. We won’t fire you yet. Figure out what you want to do with your life, and see a counsellor! You need to see someone and get help. Go somewhere that will make you happy,” Corley said firmly, with compassion.
And that somewhere was Nathan’s! Donna had always enjoyed their emails.
Donna had spotted Nathan Romeo at her brother Damon and his sister Natasha’s wedding. They were standing up for them, and she looked Nathan up and down. He was rugged looking. Nathan had shaved and looked fancy for the wedding, but he still had this rugged edge to him. He was nothing like John, her ex. Nathan looked troubled, and that somewhat attracted her to him. Donna needed someone who was as troubled as she was. She had just lost her baby a week before her brother’s wedding. And yeah, Donna was kinda bitter at her brother, but he was getting married to the mother of his baby. Granted, Natasha was just a couple months pregnant, whereas Donna had been five months pregnant and had lost her son because of John. It wasn’t necessarily Damon’s fault. Damon didn’t beat her up, but John had.
She should have told Damon more, but because Damon wasn’t in their lives, she didn’t think he needed to know. Damon showed up once in a while for family dinners. Every time, he tried to be the big brother and protect her, but Donna didn’t need it. She was used to standing guard on her own and looking out for number one, herself. While she was growing up, her brother hadn't protected her as a normal family member would have, because he lived with their father in another country.
She should have told him the truth, and she’d have a baby too. But Donna didn’t, and it was because of her own stupidity. She should have told Damon why he should have stayed away from her ex, except at the time, she didn’t think Damon would have run into John. Her brother was invited to celebrity-style parties, whereas her ex was an average guy who worked in an iron mill. They shouldn’t even have run into each other...except John had gotten a pass to the club that Damon would regularly attend, and her brother spoke to him.
John had come to her house when her mom was at work. He wanted to speak to her, and Donna told him she had nothing to talk to him about, but John persisted...
“That’s not what I hear. Your brother tells me you are pregnant, and I should do my job and be there for you. How the hell are you pregnant? I wear a condom every goddamn time!” John had shouted at her.
“Condoms aren’t one hundred percent effective,” Donna had replied.
“They should be, considering you.”
“Look, it doesn’t matter. I don’t want a thing from you, okay. Just go, and leave me alone. You don’t need to be part of the baby’s life,” Donna said carefully.
“That’s because the baby’s not mine, isn’t it?” John demanded.
“Yeah, sure, it’s not yours,” Donna had told him. Looking back, she could see that was a mistake. She should have known he would have flipped on her, considering John got very jealous when other men looked or spoke to her.
“You cheated on me. You whore!”
“I didn’t cheat on you. It was only you. Look, just leave!” Donna was annoyed John had shown up and she had to talk with him.
“You fucking bitch! You cheated on me like my mother cheated on my father. Fucking bitch!” John growled at her.
Donna saw the rage in his eyes, and John came at her. He hit her in the face, and then hit her again in the chest. She tried to protect her stomach, but he hit her there and then pushed her. Donna fell down the veranda steps, which were connected to the porch. Then he started kicking her, and Donna was crying out. She started screaming because she was having contractions, and was consequently in more pain.
“Stop, John!!!” Donna had screamed.
A neighbor must have heard the commotion because the next thing she knew, the police were there and John was being dragged away in a cop car. Donna was lying on the ground in horrendous pain. The ambulance picked her up, and she told them she was in labor due to her contractions. They couldn’t stop the labor because she had been severely beaten. The paramedics were having a hard time trying to deal with her injuries and the baby’s stress.
By the time Donna got to the hospital, the doctor told her they had no choice but to deliver the baby, or she’d die. Right then she didn’t care about life. She just wanted to die.
Donna delivered the baby, and she cried out as it hurt more than the beatings she’d received from John. The nurses took the baby away, leaving the doctors to tend to her. Donna prayed and prayed her child would be safe and survive.
Donna was in a private room when the doctor came back. “Where’s my baby? Where is he?” she pleaded.
“I’m sorry, but he didn’t make it. He just couldn’t take the amount of abuse and sustain the injuries. He was too small to make it on his own.”
Donna had broken down and cried as the doctor left.
“I can handle this, Cor. I can. There’s no abuse. There are no guns and there’s no violence. So I can do this. I swear,” Donna said to her boss.
Secretly, Donna wasn’t sure how she could do this, but she would do this for Nathan. He was counting on her, and Donna would need him to help her when she finally told him why she was back. She was going to need him to support her when she told Damon. Donna knew her brother would probably want to lock her up in a tower and throw away the key.
“Donna, I just don’t think so. I think you are too close. You’ve been through too much right now. I told you to go away and relax. Find somewhere peaceful and happy,” Corley said in a strict boss-like tone.
“Nathan does make me happy!” Donna snapped, a little too sharply. “I feel at peace when I’m with him.”
“That’s because you two both went through something similar. You both lost your babies...well, up until now.”
“It will be fine. Everything will fine. If it gets too much, I will walk away. I promise,” Donna said, taking a deep breath.
“Well, make sure you’re not just promising yourself. Make sure you promise Nathan that if it becomes too much for you, that you’ll do the right thing and walk away. Obviously, he’s going to be going through a lot himself.”
“Yeah! He definitely is going through a lot right now. He’s very scared, unsure, and conflicted.” Donna defended her friend.
“He probably will need to go to a counsellor too,” Corley said, before there was a long pause.
“Could you please send me some information on pediatricians that I can suggest Nathan take Josh to.”
“Yeah, I’ll do that for you. I’ll forward the information to your Blackberry. Take care, Donna.”
“I’ll do that,” Donna said before closing the phone. The call to her boss didn’t go as she first thought it would. The call brought up too many horrid memories she would like to keep buried and never face again.
Donna knew that it would be hard for her to watch over Josh, but he wasn’t a baby. He was a toddler of two and a half. It had also been some time since her baby died: nineteen months, two weeks, and some days to be exact.
After Donna finished with her call, she gathered everything she would need for going to the stores. She stood in the living room and glanced toward Josh, who was still deeply engrossed in the cartoons. “Alright, Josh, let’s go.” Nathan’s son walked over and put his hand into the one Donna was offering him. “We are going to the store to get some clothes for you, bud.”
Thankfully Donna had a car seat in her car, because of her job. Her female clients who had young children would need one. Using the car seat made the shopping expedition with Josh much easier, and was one less worry. Though, Nathan would have to pick one up. Donna knew she probably should have taken the seat out and left it at work when she was told to take a leave of absence, but she’d forgotten. She thanked her lucky stars that she had forgotten.
Within her first week off, Donna had cleaned her apartment, and played volleyball. Donna tried to keep herself busy, but she was going stir-crazy. She was constantly reliving the scene of the mother and kids being gunned down by a man they once loved and trusted. She then wrote Nathan the email in hopes he would respond and be okay with her dropping by.
She had sent her brother an email, too. However, she was three weeks early with that message. She hoped to kill time with visiting Nathan.
She was having too many bad nightmares while alone in her apartment, and she just knew being around Nathan would be better. Donna knew they were technically brother- and sister-in-law, but she didn’t see it that way. He was a year younger than she was, and they’d been through a lot.
She just needed her friend. Her best friend!
Donna wanted to tell Nathan what happened at her work, and she would tell him. She wasn’t going to tell Damon without support.
Oh. My. God...
If she told her brother... Oh, that would be bad! He might not be able to tan her hide, but he’d probably have bodyguards following her again. Or worse, he might demand she move in with his family, along with paying her an allowance.
He’d gotten a lot more protective ever since he married Natasha and Donna had lost the baby. Damon had unquestionably changed. He was the brother she always wished she had, but never had until now.
It was weird using Nathan’s credit card. Donna kind of felt somewhat empowered. She liked buying things for his son; when the bill came up, she swiped Nathan’s card and signed the receipt. She thought that was pretty cool.
A lady in one of the clothing stores looked at her oddly when she was trying to pay for some clothes. Donna immediately said, “My fiancé’s at work, so he asked me to go buy his son some clothes.”
It wasn’t completely a lie, and she needed to reassure the saleslady. She again looked at Donna, unsure.
“I swear. He’s at work, and asked me to buy some stuff for his son,” Donna said, with a firm stance.
The lady realized the clothes were for someone smaller, and let them pass shortly after.
Donna chuckled to herself about calling Nathan her fiancé. It was funny. What would Nathan say about her calling him that so she could use his credit card without hassle?
But it felt oddly right.
Donna carried on with the shopping. The next stop was a grocery store and Josh was having fun. He was making noises by beeping and yipping, though he hadn’t said any words. She could tell he wanted to verbalize, and she could see he was still nervous.
Josh was very nervous in the car! Donna expected Josh to scream bloody murder the minute she had him in the car seat, but instead, he went tense with fear. When she drove, Josh closed his eyes and was very quiet. His face also paled.
Once back in the car after grocery shopping, Donna turned around. “Josh, why do you close your eyes?”
Josh still wouldn’t open his eyes and look at her. Nor did he shake his head or move his body.
“Josh, it is okay. I promise it’s okay, sweetie,” Donna gently said, patiently waiting.
Josh opened his eyes. She could see the fear in them, and it just broke her heart. She couldn’t take this kid in a car again. Donna just couldn’t do it! She hoped her colleague had sent the information she requested so she could send Josh to a pediatrician or a counsellor.
The poor little guy was going through something traumatic, and Donna understood. Sorta...
“It’s okay, Josh. If you want to close your eyes while we drive, that’s okay,” she exclaimed excitedly so the boy would know it was all right. “Because, you know what, I promise you are going to get back to Daddy’s place safely,” she said compassionately. She held his hand before squeezing it, and then gave him a comforting smile.
Josh looked up at Donna when she said ‘Daddy’s place.’ “I know you just met Daddy. Do you not want to call him Daddy?” In response, Josh shook his head no.
“Do you want to call him Nathan?” she asked, while looking sadly at the little boy.
He shook his head no.
“So it’s okay to call him Daddy?”
Josh nodded his head slowly yes.
“Okay, then. We are going back to Daddy’s place now. We’ve got you some toys, and clothes, and we’re going to give you a bath once we get back,” Donna gave him a largely, loving smile.
He smiled at her, but it was still weak. Josh was holding back and burying himself into his protective shell.
“Okay, we’re going to go now,” to which Josh closed his eyes, and Donna took her hand away.
Donna felt beaten by this little boy’s inner shell closing again. She drove very carefully while taking roads which weren’t busy—to help ease Josh’s anxiety—getting them back to Nathan’s safely.
Once they got back, she ran a bath for Josh and helped him undress. Looking him over, she could see he had a birthmark on his right shoulder that at first glance she thought was a bruise.
Josh was happy once in the tub with his boats. He was making noises, but not any definite words.
Donna went and put Josh’s new clothes into a dresser drawer in Nathan’s room. Upon opening the drawer, she saw a cell phone which was an older model.
“Why would he have a cell phone in his dresser? That’s an older model, too,” she spoke her thoughts aloud. Her mom had the very same cell phone. Failing to turn the phone on, Donna realized the battery was dead. It needed to be charged. She looked further in the drawer she was trying to empty so Josh would have room for his new clothes. She saw that Nathan didn’t have a charger for this cell model.
Well, she’d just borrow her mom’s charger.
Donna moved the phone out of the way, making room for Josh’s new clothes. After some time, she got all his things tucked away. Shortly after that, Josh was out of his bath. She insisted he take a nap.
Once Josh was napping, Donna finished putting the groceries away and was now having a cup of tea while reading up on the motor vehicle accident on Nathan’s laptop. She was also checking into the other research she wanted to finish when Nathan returned home from work.