It was Saturday, and Donna was standing beside Nathan, who was holding Josh. She wasn’t sure how the day was going to go for her. She was dressed in black slacks and a black fancy top. She didn’t know the Maples family. And when people asked her, what her relationship to the diseased was, she told them that Nathan was her best friend. She also told them that she was here to support Nathan and Josh. Donna had played with the idea of mentioning they were brother-in-law and sister-in-law, but she really hated that term. Especially after how comfortable she and Nathan were becoming lately.
Shaking the guests’ hands and accepting their condolences for Josh’s loss, Donna was doing a pretty good job of holding her posture straight and her emotions at bay. The night before, she had fretted about how attending the funeral was going to affect her. She understood Nathan’s hesitation about asking her to attend in the first place. She didn’t want to be heartless, as this was a funeral for Josh’s family. However, she had never met the Maples family, so the funeral wasn’t getting to her. The only thing that was making this day hard so far was Joshua’s sad and confused expressions.
Looking over periodically from time to time, she could see Nathan was holing up pretty well. Then again, most men didn’t cry, and he was most likely holding back for the sake of his son. Was it possible he was still angry at Jillian?
Once everyone had arrived, they headed into the church that was wonderfully decorated to commemorate the good memories of the Maples and their daughter, Jillian. Nathan’s secretary had done a wonderful job putting together this memorial service.
The pastor had started with prayers, and then moved on to music. As he was getting to the part where people could come up to the podium and do memorial speeches, Donna could see that Josh had had enough. Nathan was struggling to keep Josh contently quiet by hushing his tears. But he wouldn’t stop crying.
She knew Nathan wanted to say a few words when it was his turn. When Donna reached out for Josh, Nathan eventually handed him over with fear written on his face. She gave him a reassuring smile while quietly removing herself from the crowd in the pews. With a wink, Donna mouthed the words ‘he’ll be all right’ to Nathan. She left with Josh crying out for his mommy.
She took Josh outside, and after rubbing his back and gently talking to him, he finally settled. She walked them around the parking lot with Josh beside her, while looking at all the pretty cars. The distraction helped keep Josh’s mind from thinking about the pictures of his family in the church.
“Mommy up there.”
Donna was startled by these few words. She looked in the direction Josh was pointing. She could see that he remembered what Nathan had told him about Jillian being in heaven. She smiled sweetly at Josh. “Yes, baby, she is. Mommy’s watching you, and will never stop loving you.”
Before Donna knew it, Josh was hugging her leg tightly. She knelt down and wrapped her arms around him as her tears broke free. What she had just told Nathan’s son was how she was feeling toward her own departed son. It broke her heart that Josh would grow up without his mother. Never really getting to know her, and feel her love. She felt so much grief for Josh’s life’s milestones.
Nathan would probably one day marry and his wife would get the role of Joshua’s mother.
“Ohh...” Donna said aloud while still hugging Josh. The thought was a sword going straight into her heart. Her body went cold, and she felt wretched.
Josh looked up at Donna, and she saw his glossy eyes. They were wet from the tears she had helped him to get under control. Only Josh saw her sparkling teary eyes from her own crying, and then touched her face with his right hand. She was so overwhelmed by his simple caring gesture that she took her left hand and covered his hand. She wanted a little boy like this.
Hell, she wanted Josh!
He was going to grow up without his real mother, and she didn’t want just anybody to be at Nathan’s side while raising Josh. Donna had been with them for a week now, and she had fallen more in more in love with Josh every day, as if he was her son. He was so adorable and special. If Nathan didn’t want anything romantic for them, then she would apply to be Josh’s nanny.
She smiled evilly. And suddenly she felt better. Donna was pretty confident she’d be able to get Nathan to come around. Standing up before picking up Josh, she wrapped both her arms around him, bringing Josh into her for a loving hug.
“What was that look about?”
Startled, Donna realized Nathan had finished his speech. He was beside her in the church parking lot. She looked over his shoulder to see many people leaving the church and heading for their vehicles. Perhaps the ceremony was done? “Nothing.” Then she smiled pleasantly at him. “How do you feel?”
*****
Nathan looked at her. She had rosy cheeks from when he'd suddenly startled her. Aside from that, she was awfully pale. What was she up to? She looked sinister for a brief moment.
At least, that’s how he felt the other day, when he was trying to figure out how to keep her in his life. He should have her move in with him and Josh.
How’d he feel? He felt torn, angry, resentful. He also felt pity and unbearable anguish, like he'd lost a good friend.
Nathan was glad that part of the funeral was over with. It was almost harder than greeting people and accepting their sympathies. Speaking about Jillian was easy, though emotionally draining. He had loved her. But sadly, Nathan didn’t love her anymore. She wasn’t the last thing on his mind when he went to bed. Thinking of her didn’t make him smile like he did these days. When he kissed or hugged Donna, he sure the hell wasn’t thinking about Jillian.
He knew he’d have to say a few words about her parents, so Nathan had done a little research last night. Other than that, there wasn’t much he wanted to say. He resented Jillian’s parents for what they had done to all their lives. Nathan pitied them, for they weren’t going to see their grandson grow up to be a happy, well-rounded, mature, loving young man.
He was very angry with himself. Had Nathan been rational and not reacted, he wouldn’t have gone to jail! Maybe he would have gone back to her house on another night and seen her pregnant...
For someone who’d claimed to have loved her, he’d sure given up on her rather easily.
“What?” Nathan asked, feeling like the wind was knocked out of him. He was an ass!
“How do you feel?” she asked again, re-picking Josh back up, after having placed him back on his feet when Nathan had joined them. Then placing Josh on her hip, before looking at Nathan peculiarly.
“Ask me at the end of the day.”
They led the procession to the graveyard where Nathan didn’t feel Josh needed to witness his mother’s coffin being lowered into the ground. “If you’d watch him...while... I...”
Donna put her hand on his arm. “I think he needs a nap anyway, so we’ll be fine.” She rubbed his arm and gave him a reassuring warm smile.
Without thought, Nathan quickly leaned into Donna, and kissed the corner of her mouth. It was an act that felt right in his gut, and he’d gladly do it again.
He reacted without a rational thought.
That was just him.
Once again, Nathan had to stand for a period of time hearing everyone’s sad words, prayers, and sympathies. While standing at the gravesite, he felt cold and detached. He felt more sympathy for his son’s loss than himself. It was draining him.
Yes, he was sad Jillian was missing out on her son’s life. Maybe that was ‘The Creator’s plan’. Nathan was to miss out on the first thirty months of Josh’s life, while Jillian would be needed elsewhere, therefore missing out on the rest. He did feel awful that she was gone and Josh was going to miss knowing his mother. He would do his damnedest to inform his son about how generous, loving, and smart his mother had been.
He wanted to say ‘woman,’ but she hadn’t graduated when she got pregnant. Jillian was in grade eleven. Looking back on it, he felt like an even bigger ass!
When it was finally over and people were leaving the gravesite, he drearily dragged his legs and butt back to Donna’s car. It might only be two p.m., but he was exhausted. He was physically and emotionally drained! He could use a good back massage, and a cold one.
*****
With Josh bathed and tucked in for the night, Nathan felt worn down. Emotionally, he was drained, and not because he had lost a dear friend. No, he was emotionally crippled because he didn’t feel that he was feeling all the sympathy he should have felt for Jillian.
Donna was in the living room watching TV, and he didn’t want to bug her, so he went to grab a beer and sit on the balcony. After all, he would be moving in a week and no longer have this great skyline or city view.
Taking a swig of his beer, he heard the glass veranda door open and then close a little. Glancing over his shoulder, he could see Donna had still left the door open enough so they could hear Josh.
Donna stood beside him, and with both her hands on his shoulders, gently massaged them. “What’s wrong?”
Crossing his ankles that were stretched out in front of him, he let out his breath. Looking up to her with an absent expression, he then shared, “Is it wrong that I’m not crying? Is it wrong that I feel more remorse then sadness?”
With the vague look on his face, Donna lowered herself into a squatting position, her head level with his. “No. Everyone has their own way of dealing with their grief. I know you are sad that Jillian’s gone. But I also know that your feelings are for Josh’s benefit.” She then knelt so that her knees were resting on the deck floor. “When your parents died, the grief you felt for them was intense. If Josh was older, his grief might be like yours was, back then. But, because he is a toddler, and will most likely forget this horrible tragedy in his life. You are feeling his anguish.” Donna now had her hands resting on the sides of his thighs, which were near the seat of the chair.
Nathan said detached, “I understand, but why can’t I feel more for Jillian?”
For a small period of time, he could see the turmoil come into her eyes. They got glossy, but then she blinked quickly a few times. She then cleared her throat, “Perhaps it is because you spent so many years hating her. You no longer feel love for Jillian...”
Before Nathan could answer her, they both heard Josh’s cries, and were both startled. “Mommy...Mommy...don’t go...” Heading into the penthouse, they both came over to where Josh was standing in his PJ’s, holding his teddy and blanket.
Nathan knelt down. “Have another bad dream, buddy?”
Josh nodded his head yes with his tears still streaming down his face. Donna bent down and put her hands on his shoulders. “Mommy’s spirit will always be with you here.” When she said here, she took her right hand off his shoulder. She placed it over her heart, and then pointed to Josh’s heart.
Josh looked at his chest and then back to his father. Nathan scooped him up. “Yes, buddy, she is. Mommy is now and will always be in your heart. No one can hurt her because you are now her keeper.” Josh looked at his dad with a small grin.
He found it cute that his son thought what he said was funny, but it was true. No one could hurt Jillian anymore, and Josh would always carry her in his mind and heart. Walking Josh back to his room, Nathan had a zapping sensation run down his spine. With a slight glance over his shoulders, he saw that Donna was following them. He smiled to himself secretively.
For the next hour, both Donna and he comforted Josh. Once Josh was asleep, Donna quickly changed into her PJ’s and slipped back into her spot on the bed. This was where Josh had snuggled into her on Nathan’s large king-sized bed. As Nathan lay on Josh’s other side, he couldn’t help but feel content. He felt at peace, and that everything was right in his world.
At the slight sound of snoring, Nathan looked over. Both Josh and Donna were contentedly sleeping. She looked at peace with her arm securely holding onto Josh, and his son seemed to be at ease snuggled into his aunt.
Aunt!
It was like someone put a vise grip over his heart with that one word.
Nathan didn’t want to think of Donna Cullen as his sister-in-law anymore. He wanted something more from her. It was something he wasn’t quite sure how to say. He wasn’t even exactly sure what it was.