Chapter 69

GETTING GOOGLY

Studies show that periods of unstructured time lead to periods of greater creativity.”

“What do you mean by that?” Ms. Kellerman asks me. Yes, I’m back in her office by executive order.

“Didn’t you hear the Google lady?” I ask.

Ms. Kellerman writes something on her yellow pad (probably subject is hallucinating), and I explain, “The lady from Google, who came to talk to us last week? The Future Careers Club organized it?”

“Oh,” Ms. Kellerman says, scratching out what she had written on the pad.

“She said that everybody at Google gets time to wander around and create or just think or whatever for an hour or so every day. They actually get paid for it. So—that’s what my diary is,” I explain. “It’s just my unstructured brain. It’s not for sharing. I can only be relaxed and honest in my diary when I’m sure nobody is going to look at it.”

Ms. Kellerman is doodling something on her pad. Then, suddenly, she seems to realize what she’s doing. She looks at her goofy little flower doodle for a moment, then looks up at me. “I think I can understand that,” she says slowly.

We sit in silence for a moment. Mr. Tool is still insisting that I come talk to her for an hour a week, and I’m starting to wonder if maybe I should give Ms. Kellerman more of a chance. Maybe if I talk to her a little, she’ll see I’m not as crazy as she thinks.

“I’m not going to show you my diary,” I tell her, “but maybe I could tell you what I’m thinking, sometimes.”

“I just want to help you, Margaret,” Ms. Kellerman says. “You’ve been going through a difficult time. You shouldn’t have to do it alone.”

And—in that one moment, a space shorter than a second, really—I realize that Ms. Kellerman and Ms. Olsson have been making the same mistake. They’ve been trying to squeeze my thoughts out of me. But I don’t need to be squeezed.

I can just talk.