“I wish. Sadly, ’tis not a euphemism. I do need to speak with you.”
“Ah.” Regina’s tone was resigned. She’d known it was too good to last. Her only hope was that she could keep her position. After all, before the past few days, Helen had hardly ever come to the stables.
She held the door for the headmistress, then offered tea or wine, which she’d restocked for that night’s visit.
Declining, Helen dithered for a moment before opting for the small table and chairs rather than her only other option, the bed. Once seated, she stared at the table as though gathering her thoughts.
Regina sat across from her.
Helen’s eyes gleamed with unshed tears.
Regina had understood all along that theirs could never be more than a short, secret dalliance. She reached across to clasp the headmistress’s hand resting on the table.
Helen startled.
“Hey,” Regina’s voice was gentle. “’Twill be all right. I promise. Whatever it is.”
Helen gave a wan smile. “I suppose. You seem to have thought it through more than I did.”
“Perhaps. I expect ’tis more that I’ve been aware of the risks and rewards much longer than you’ve needed to be.”
“How have I run this school without that knowledge?” Helen flung out a hand. “Actually, never mind. That is a conversation for another day, although I value your thoughts on the subject. Right now, ’tis more important to talk about us.”
For all her sympathy, Regina needed to know. “Is there an ‘us?’”
Helen’s lips twisted. “I do not know.”
Regina nodded. “I understand.”
“’Tis not right that you are sympathetic.” Helen frowned. “This is my dilemma, and something I should have considered before I went so far. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to lose you. Yet I don’t see a way to keep you.”
Regina’s head jerked in stunned surprise, a grin threatening. Helen had some desire to keep her? She wanted to smile, dance, maybe even giggle. Reality swiftly beat back that urge, however. Besides being against the rules, an open workplace relationship was a terrible idea, promoting all sorts of talk of favoritism.
“Regina, I cannot lose you when I’ve just found you.” More tears welled in Helen’s eyes, and her voice rasped as she continued to clutch Regina’s hand. “What shall we do? Meals and friendship? Tiptoeing around is not fair to you, not when you could find someone else. I had expected to be alone after George died. I still do. The school has always been enough for me. It will simply have to be again.”
“Hey, hey. Please don’t cry. Truly, ’twill be all right.” Regina cupped her love’s face and swiped her thumb across a cheek to erase the tear streaks. “If you prefer to return to suppers and friendship, that is what we shall do. However, I cannot promise I won’t undress you with my eyes every chance I get.”
Helen sniffed, one side of her mouth tipping up in a half-hearted smile.
Regina stood and poured them both wine.
Helen accepted hers with a shaky hand and gulped her first taste.
Sitting again, Regina dared to push her preference. “On the other hand, I never expected a public declaration and avowal of forever. And I am accustomed to sneaking around. So, if you have any interest in continuing this, I would be amenable—nay, delighted—to accommodate you.”
“How can I even contemplate breaking the rules when I am the ultimate enforcer of them?” Helen wrung her hands. “’Tis not right—”
Regina held up a hand. “Consider the fact that we have never had to have a work-related conversation in the past. The stables have always been self-sufficient.”
Helen’s shoulders slumped and she took another large sip of wine. “True, but I still cannot fathom circumventing a code of conduct I helped create.”
“I have more to lose than you do. If you want to try it for a time, then we shall simply be very careful. But—” she swallowed against her biggest fear. “—whenever it ends, should you feel the need to separate more completely, I would ask for a letter of reference and perhaps some assistance finding a new position.”
“What! I would never force someone to leave their post for me.” Helen straightened in her chair, her voice indignant. “I would only ever terminate someone’s employment for due cause, and I cannot imagine that happening with you.”
“Well, there is due cause if I knowingly break the rules with you.”
“Right. I am sorry. I understand your concern. Frankly, ’tis one of the reasons for the rule. You have my word I will not ask you to leave the school for personal reasons.”
“Thank you. Now, then. If I do need anything, I can discuss it with Grace. She’ll be impartial, and if she can’t solve it, she’ll present it to you as an intermediary.”
Helen nodded.
“And”—Regina could not stop her mouth from ticking up on one side—“I think you need a few more samples before you decide what you want.”
Helen hummed, her own smile growing. “I see what you mean. I do think I need to more fully explore my options.”
Regina’s grin nearly split her face. She stood and grabbed Helen’s hand to tug her up next to her. “Right, then. Let me show you what is next.”
Helen hummed as she pulled the last document of the day toward her on the desk.
The piles of paperwork were almost as high and plentiful as always. However, inspired by finding time in the evenings to spend with Regina, she was decisive and efficient on duties that required her judgment. She also had delegated even more tasks to Grace this past fortnight.
Her friendship with Regina was not secret. The staff knew they supped together in a private room. However, Helen had begun to dine with teachers and other employees as well, one at a time, occasionally, to demonstrate fairness. She’d found it surprisingly refreshing to hear about individuals’ challenges and goals in a more relaxed ambiance than a formal meeting. Layering personal conversations with professional roles also strengthened her view of the staff as a unit, and balanced the isolation of her endless reams of paperwork.
When Cecilia commented that it was nice to see her form a friendship with Regina given their similar ages, she breathed a sigh of relief. They were doing well at hiding in plain sight.
Guilt continued to plague Helen, but she justified their relationship as portraying a friendship in an isolated existence where close bonds were difficult to develop. Many of their activities were in full view of others. They rode when Helen’s schedule allowed it or when she ignored her responsibilities for an hour or two. And there was always a staff member serving their food.
Any time Helen’s conscience asked about the future, she shoved the thought away, refusing to dwell on it. She could not bear the idea of nights without Regina. Infatuation and friendship had blossomed into more, as she’d known they would. She was quickly falling for the beautiful stablemistress and would have to spend some time considering how to juggle that with her duties, but for now she simply wanted to bask in the newness of it all.
At meals, they dismissed the staff once pudding was served and carried their own plates back to the kitchen. Their conversation during the first courses were about their workdays, students of particular interest, or innocuous escapades from their past. The last course, or post-dinner sherry if they declined a sweet, was for more intimate conversation.
Regina had shared a bit about her past relationships and the challenges of being a woman not interested in fripperies or traditionally female pursuits, but intensely interested in women themselves.
Helen, in turn, described the pros and cons of a twenty-year relationship and her grief at their apparent inability to have children.
One evening, Helen confided her dreams for the school. “I want to find a way to encourage girls from farther afield to come here. Whilst it must remain secret, I hope that, to the alumnae and sponsors, this will become the alternative to Oxford or Cambridge for their daughters, perhaps from even as far as the Continent.”
Regina raised her brows. “From what little I understand of it, the curriculum seems quite different.”
“Ah, but think of our alumnae. They are already learning the law, medicine, and all manner of business. As they become more learned, perhaps some will return to teach, and the advanced course will have a broader scope. There might be intermediate classes, as well as more specialized programs like our mercantile training.” She stared into space considering it for a moment before shaking her head to return to the present.
Regina was watching her with a smile.
“What of your aspirations, Regina?”
“This is my dream for the future.” She blushed and ducked her head. “The school, I mean. Where else can I be myself, doing work I love, dressing how I please, and surrounded by an open-minded community?”
“What of your family?”
“They never knew what to do with me and would be uncomfortable if I lived with them or even close to them. Thankfully, due to your generosity to your staff and Leah’s investment advice, I would not need to live with them again, but I do not enjoy being seen as an embarrassment or never knowing if I have to hide my work, my friends, or my trousers.” Regina shrugged. “Once I am too old to run a stable, I’ll be a part-time hand with a small apartment or cottage somewhere.”
As they were both aware of Leah Godwin’s living arrangements, Helen nodded. The retired courtesan was a recruiter and coordinator for the school and spent part of the year in London and part in a boarding house with three other retired courtesans, two of whom were in a committed love relationship.
Like Regina, Helen had come from humble origins. However, she was certain she’d never have gained the independence that Leah, Regina, or any of her instructors had, if she hadn’t met and married George by the time she was twenty. It was only in widowhood that she’d found, or been given, the opportunity to forge her own path. The founders of the school were all women except for two earls who were financial benefactors. They had all helped form the curricula and structure, giving her direction on leading its operations.
She’d always hated Society’s rigid mores but had managed to remain out of them given her and George’s choice of country life. When he had died, she’d been happy to provide a safe place for young women wanting to fight those norms in their own ways. It had felt easy and righteous until Regina touched her. The past fortnight had given her a clearer perspective on the challenges faced by those living outside the rules, and she had only experienced a tiny fraction of what Regina or others had outside these safe walls.
The school remained her first priority, though. Helping the growing number of students who attended each year was her calling. Knowing that someone she cared about saw the institution as their salvation cemented her focus on ensuring its success. If only she could have one day in which she didn’t feel like she was one pile of papers away from losing control.
Regina stabbed the hay bale with the pitchfork.
“Ouch,” Cecilia said.
Regina turned with a questioning frown.
“I was speaking for the hay bale. Has it offended you in some way? You’ve nearly cleaved it in two, which means twice as many trips into the stall.”
Regina grunted.
“Usually, you are grumpy when you haven’t had time to ride, but I thought you’d had a nice sojourn today.”
She nodded. She had, but it had been a solitary ride—again. Helen hadn’t been able to join her for a ride in almost a sennight, and they’d only dined together twice.
The headmistress insisted on having at least one meal a sennight with other staff members to keep up appearances, and she’d had to work through supper two other evenings.
Regina waffled between frustration and fear. Had the headmistress’s interest waned? Or had Helen’s guilt over breaking her own rules become too much? Helen had made her work ethic clear, so Regina tried to accept her excuses as truth.
None of Regina’s prior relationships had been this intense. Their clandestine nature, and the fact that much of the time both parties were simply relieved to find someone who shared their taste for intimacy, meant that she had not spent this much time deepening the emotional bond with a partner. Now, she found her friendship and sexual interest in Helen as intertwined as the knot of broken reins in the tack room. She could pick it apart to try to salvage pieces from it, but it would be painstaking work and not something she relished doing.
All of which meant she’d obsessed over Helen’s absence the last two days and now was treating hay bales as though they were potential attackers she needed to skewer.
“Pardon my grumpiness. In fact, why don’t you go enjoy your evening with your friends before supper, and I’ll get my aggressions out on the rest of the hay? I can finish up, although I always appreciate your help.” She managed a smile at Cecilia, though she suspected it was more of a grimace based on the student’s stare.
“Better the hay bales than the horses, I suppose.” Cecilia tossed her curry brush down on a bench and turned. She lifted her skirts to skip toward the dorm, calling over her shoulder, “Thank you Regina. I hope you feel better tomorrow.”
After tackling a few more hay bales and ensuring everyone had food and water, Regina cleaned her apartment. She debated going to the dining hall for a late meal, staying in and scavenging for bread and cheese, or going in search of Helen.
A friend would go check on her, to ensure she was not overworking herself.
Regina snorted, sounding a bit like her equine neighbors. Her motives were not altruistic, no matter how much she tried to justify her preference. She’d be allaying her own doubts by visiting Helen. Or not.
The stab of fear that accompanied that thought had her on her way to Helen’s office. Striding through the dark, she braced for what she’d find. Helen might be poring over paperwork or laughing over wine with another staff member. She might be dismissive or welcoming.
Another shiver of anxiety shook her, and she stumbled to a halt on the path.
Daggers. Regina was in love with her employer. This emotion was supposed to be hearts and flowers. Instead, it ached.
She straightened her shoulders. In for a penny, in for a pound. This surprise visit would either soothe the ache or turn it into a full-blown wound. Either way, she’d carry on as she always did.
My role is secure. That is most important. She repeated the mantra she’d been using all week as her frustration mounted.
She began walking again. Given Helen’s concern over the rules, a choice might have to be made. Her position or her relationship. And Regina was no longer certain which she’d choose.