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I despise tears.
Yet I can’t stop them.
The closer I get to Tanner’s garage, the more I cry. I cry over the picture. I cry at my father’s betrayal. I cry for Celia, mostly. It’s always for Celia. The life that was taken far too soon. Over and over, I wonder about what she’d be doing now if she were still here. Would she be married? Have kids? Would she be travelling the world? What would her life look like?
I reach the garage and get out of my car.
I’m not thinking clearly. All I know is right now, I need someone, and for some reason, the stranger I’ve come to like so much is the person I am drawn to.
I walk up to the front door of the garage and I knock. It doesn’t look like anyone is here, even though he texted me earlier he’d be working late. Frustrated, I bang louder, over and over, until finally the door opens.
I’m not presented with Tanner. I’m presented with a half-naked woman. She’s wearing a tank top and panties, and nothing else. Her hair is down, flowing around her shoulders, and she is so damned beautiful it makes my eyes hurt just looking at her. From her thick black locks, to her full lips and steel-grey eyes, she has the perfect features. Her body is tiny and curvy, and every man’s dream.
She’s in Tanner’s garage.
A moment later, he appears behind her. He’s fully clothed, but it feels like my world comes to a screeching halt when I realize what I’ve just stepped in on. I’m crying like a teenager, and he’s been in here having sex with some gorgeous woman. No matter how I look at this, it’s going to hurt.
“I’m sorry,” I say, my voice cracking. “I thought you were alone.”
I spin on my heel and rush back towards my car.
“Callie! Wait!” Tanner comes after me, slamming his hand on my car door when I open it to get in. The door closes, and I turn, facing him. He’s leaning over me, looking like a goddamned miracle. I want to rip his clothes off, hug him, and slap him all at the same time.
“Wait,” he growls, his voice husky.
“I’m sorry; I didn’t realize you were busy. I just needed someone to talk to. It’s fine . . .”
“Callie,” he orders, “I said wait.”
“Tanner, honestly, I don’t need this right now. It’s fine. You’re a single man. You can do what you want.”
“I wasn’t doing anything.”
“Look, I really need to go. Please, just let me go.”
I spin around and grab my door, jerking it open. He steps back, and I get into the car, slam the door closed, and turn on the car before backing out and driving away. The tears keep coming, angry tears that flow down my cheeks. I’ve spent years hiding them and now I unleash, crying so heavily I’m unable to stop it. No matter what I do, I can’t make them go away.
I drive home, thankful Jo is at work because I don’t want her to see me like this. I don’t want anyone to see me like this.
During the drive home, it started pouring rain, which only makes me want to scream and cry more. I step out as soon as I pull up and am immediately soaked. Instead of walking inside, I stand there. I let the cool drops of water soak my skin and roll down my body, blending with my tears. I close my eyes and I let it soak my body, as if the rain might just wash away all the bad that tarnishes my soul. Like if I stand out here long enough, I might just be able to walk away clean.
“Callie.”
I open my eyes and see Tanner , soaking wet, staring at me. “Tanner?” I croak.
“What are you doing? You’ll freeze to death. Come on.”
He goes to reach for me, but I stop him with a hand raised. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to come and explain . . .”
“You don’t have to explain anything,” I say, my voice husky and missing a few beats from all the crying. “I get it. We’re not together; hell, we haven’t even had sex. Honestly, I don’t know why you’re here. You don’t owe me anything.”
“Callie . . .”
“Seriously, Tanner. I’m no good for you, or anyone else. You should just leave.”
I turn to walk away and trip. Like the universe hates me more than it already did. I trip and fall onto my hands and knees. I’m frustrated. I want to scream, but I don’t. I’ve already made a fool of myself tonight; I don’t need to continue that. Instead, I cry, like some pathetic, broken human who is unable to get her shit together.
Tanner leans down, and he scoops me into his arms like the damned hero he is and walks us to my front door. I very silently give him the key from my pocket, and he takes it, opens the door, and steps inside. He flicks on a few lights, and then walks straight down to my bathroom. There, he places me on my feet and stares at me, those incredible brown eyes making my heart skip a beat.
“You must think I’m pathetic?” I whisper.
“No, I don’t think you’re pathetic. I think you’re broken.”
I want him.
I want him so badly my body is desperately wanting to surge forward and launch at him. I want to throw my arms around his neck, kiss him, make love to him, do all the things I’ve been thinking about since we met.
So why the hell don’t I?
Why don’t I?
I step forward and reach up, swiping his wet hair from his forehead. With my eyes locked onto his, I kiss him. I wonder if he’s going to kiss me back, but within seconds, we’ve both forgotten about everything else. His hands go to my hips and he hauls me closer, then he’s kissing me with such ferocity my body burns with passion.
His hands move quickly, taking hold of my wet clothes and removing them from my body. First my shirt, then my bra, then my shorts and panties. Within minutes, I’m standing before him, naked, panting, wet as hell, and ready for whatever happens next. He steps back, his eyes slowly running down my body, taking in every inch. I saw the girl he was just with; I know I don’t have incredible curves like hers, but I don’t shy away. I stand in front of him, letting him see all of me. The unedited version.
“You’re fuckin’ beautiful,” he murmurs, taking his shirt and pulling it up over his head. His jeans go quickly after, and he’s before me, naked.
I’m able to take in every inch of him, and oh, I do. I let my eyes trail over his incredible body, slowly dragging from his ripped shoulders, to his broad chest, to his tattooed skin, to his defined six-pack, down to the cock that is already hard. It’s long, and it’s thick. It’s also utterly terrifying. Tanner is a man, a fully grown, strong, masculine male. Every part of him proves that.
He’s about to make love to me.
With that.
With all of that.
I swallow and meet his eyes, and God, he looks so damned sexy I can’t wait a second longer. I lunge forward, and he catches me, hauling me up so my legs are around his hips. He walks us to the shower, our lips locked, kissing furiously. My hands roam his shoulders and his neck and his thick hair while he turns the shower on and when it’s warm, steps in.
The moment the water touches my skin, I shiver. I didn’t realize how cold I was until this moment. Tanner groans, and turns us so I’m in the water mostly, warming me up while he toughs it out. I wish there was something wrong with this man so I could find a reason to hide and run away, but there is nothing wrong with him. He’s so damned perfect it makes me ache.
When the shower is fully steamed up, my back hits the wall and Tanner’s kiss deepens. Our tongues dance, our lips crush together, and we’re both as frenzied as each other. Slowly, Tanner places me on my feet and steps back, looking at me with those hooded eyes. Then, he lowers down to his knees. My heart skitters and starts pounding harder when I realize what he’s going to do. He takes one of my legs and places my foot on his shoulder, and then his mouth is on me.
On my pussy.
His tongue glides through the folds and finds my clit.
I whimper and put my hands either side of the wall to steady myself, because I fear I’ll fall. Tanner licks and sucks, his tongue destroying every fantasy I’ve ever had and replacing it with a far better one. I’ve never believed this could feel so incredibly good, but I was wrong. So damned wrong. I whimper and moan as he devours my pussy like it’s his last meal and he’s walking death row.
I cry out in utter pleasure when an orgasm grips my body, making me tremble and whimper his name in pleasure.
I expect him to get up, but he doesn’t. Instead he raises a finger and slides it slowly into my pussy while his mouth continues to torment me in the best way. His lips close around my clit and he sucks, God, does he suck, while his finger slides in and out, very gently, coating itself in my pleasure. My fingers curl on the walls beside me and my head drops back as a pleasure unlike any pleasure I’ve ever felt rises to the surface.
When it erupts, I scream his name, my body trembling as the most incredible feeling washes over me. Tanner drags every last shudder out of me, and only then does he stand. His eyes meet mine, and he leans in, kissing me slowly, letting me taste myself on his tongue.
I’m ready.
I’m more than ready.
“I want you,” I whisper to him, reaching up and curling my fingers in his hair. “Now, Tanner.”
He takes me again, putting me up on his hips, and I can feel his cock pressing against me. This is going to hurt, I know it’s going to hurt, but I don’t care. I want to feel the burning pain as he enters me for the first time. I want to feel the stretch as my pussy caters to his cock. I want it all. The pain and the pleasure.
“This is goin’ to be uncomfortable, darlin’,” he murmurs. “Sorry.”
“I don’t care,” I whimper. “Please, fuck me, Tanner.”
“God damn,” he growls, and then slowly, he pushes himself into me.
The first part of it burns, God, does it burn. The stretch is out of this world, and my body recoils, trying to push him out of me. I clench my teeth and my fingers tighten in his hair.
“Relax, baby,” he growls, his voice throaty and thick. “It’ll hurt more if you don’t relax.”
I whimper as he pushes in farther, but I’m still fighting against the invasion. Tanner stops for a second, and his mouth finds mine. He kisses me, so deeply, so passionately, I forget what’s about to happen, I’m too focused on the incredible way his lips taste, the incredible way his tongue flickers against mine.
He pushes in.
I cry out as pain erupts in my body.
Don’t let romance novels fool you; this hurts like hell. Anyone who says it doesn’t is lying. A big fat lie.
I tense around Tanner, and he pauses for a moment, pulling back so he can look at me. “Sorry. It was the only way.”
“It’s okay,” I whisper. “It’s okay.”
I stare into his eyes and watch as water rolls down his forehead and drips over them, and I can’t believe that I’m lucky enough to be in here with a man that looks like he does, behaves like he does, and who is so damned incredible. I’m full of joy, but mostly, I’m grateful, because I never thought I’d experience this in my life. I honestly didn’t.
Maybe Ethan was right. Maybe there is a life out here for me—I just have to create it myself.
“You can move,” I say softly, cupping his cheek.
He moves. Slowly. In and out, dragging his cock out of my body, then gently sliding it back in. The first few times I feel raw with pain, but slowly, that pain turns into a dull ache and then incredible pleasure takes its place. At first, it burns, slowly creeping up deep inside my body, and then I clench around him as it becomes an ache that needs desperately to be released.
“God damn, you gotta stop tightening on me, darlin’. Your pussy is so fuckin’ tight. You’re killin’ me.”
His husky voice.
His words.
The way he’s fucking me, a little harder now—it all brings my pleasure forth and I can’t hold it back anymore.
I clench around him, then I explode, crying out as the most incredible feeling washes over my body. It’s warmth and pleasure and a heat that goes so deep, I didn’t even know it was possible.
Tanner growls, and then I feel his release join mine. His cock pulses as he comes deep inside me, over and over, both our bodies trembling.
My lips find his and he kisses me through the pleasure, our moans joining as one. It’s the most incredible experience of my life. I’d relive it over and over again if it were at all possible.
When we both come down from our high, I look at him and his eyes are relaxed, happy.
It’s in that moment I realize we didn’t use protection.
I didn’t even check if he was clean.
It’s in that moment that reality, the little bitch that it is, comes crashing back in to give me a wakeup call.
Always the way.
~*~*~*~
“WE DIDN’T USE PROTECTION,” I whisper to Tanner once we’re out of the shower and dressed.
He looks to me. “Aren’t you on the pill?”
I am, actually. Jo told me the first day I got out that it was the first thing I needed to do. I went right away and got the IUD inserted. Apparently, it’s the best out there now, and I don’t have to remember to take a pill daily, so that’s something.
“I am protected there. I just mean . . .”
“I’m clean, Callie. I promise you that. I always use protection.”
“You didn’t then . . .”
“That’s because I was your first, unless you and your pussy are liars, which I doubt, because I’ve never felt somethin’ so tight around my cock in my life.”
My cheeks get pink, which surprises me. After six years being in lock-up not much seems to bother me enough for me to blush, but it turns out this does. That’s something I haven’t experienced for a long time.
“Oh,” I say softly, looking up at him.
“Yeah,” he murmurs, running his thumb over my bottom lip. “Oh.”
“Thank you,” I say as we walk back into my room. “For tonight.”
“I didn’t do anything . . .”
I shrug, “You know what I mean. You really helped me out there, on the front sidewalk.”
“Wasn’t goin’ to leave you in the rain, darlin’.”
I smile at him and sit on the end of my bed. He sits down, too, and looks at me, those brown eyes searching my face. “What happened tonight?”
I look down at my hands. The biggest part of me just wants to tell him everything and be done with it, but the selfish part of me wants to feel this forever. If he knows, he may very well walk out that door and never return, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet. I want to know more about him. I want him to give me a chance before he knows the demons I keep locked away inside.
So, I don’t tell him, even though it would be the right thing to do.
“I went to my father’s house for dinner. We don’t really get along . . . He hasn’t been there for me, but I thought I’d give him a chance anyway. His new wife and her daughters were there, and they were going on about how they all didn’t want me there, and even he agreed. It was horrible. I have never felt so stupid in all my life. So, I left, and I don’t know . . . it just hurt, I guess.”
“Sorry to hear your old man is a dick,” Tanner says.
I laugh softly. “That’s one way of putting it.”
“About the girl I was with,” he begins, and I turn to him.
“Tanner, you don’t owe me anything. We’re not together.”
“No, we’re not, but I just took somethin’ pretty special from you, and I want to get to know you more, so I owe it to you to tell you that it was nothin’. I used to see her, and she showed up and started takin’ her clothes off in hopes of getting my attention. I had no intention of fuckin’ her, not even once.”
I look over to him, and then smile. “It’s okay; you don’t owe me anything, but thanks for clearing that up anyway. I appreciate it.”
He reaches over, grabbing my chin. “I want to be here with you, more than you’ll ever possibly understand.”
That makes me feel good inside. Really damned good. “Thanks.”
“Are you still going to go out with Andrea and her friends?”
“Yeah, I am. I’m looking forward to it.”
“Be careful. Her friends are over the top, and they get a little crazy.”
I laugh. “I can handle myself, believe me.”
“I’m sure you can,” he murmurs. “When you’re done, bring your friend Jo over to my place. The boys and I are having a get-together. Get to know them more.”
“Really?” I ask, shocked by his open invitation. I guess he’s serious when he says he wants this to go further.
“Fuckin’ yeah. I told you I want to know more about you; I meant it. You up for that?”
“Sounds good.” I grin.
“Right.” He stands and leans down, kissing my forehead. “I gotta run. Got a car to finish, and I’ve already been distracted by you way too long tonight. Not that I’m complainin’ because you’re fuckin’ sweet.”
I blush again. Goddammit.
“Call me tomorrow when you wake up. Tell me how sore your pussy is. I want you to think of me for the whole fuckin’ day. In fact, I want you to always remember that it was me who got to be inside you first.”
“I think you made it pretty hard to forget,” I whisper, looking up at him through my lashes.
He runs his finger over my jaw. “Somethin’ about you tells me you’re trouble, but I’m excited to find out more.”
Then he turns and walks out leaving me stumped and speechless, and very, very sore.
In the best possible way, of course.
I get myself ready for bed. It has been a long and exhausting night.
Jo returns home about half an hour after Tanner leaves. She comes in and peeks into my room, and I can see right away she has been crying. Oh no.
“Hey,” I say softly, walking over to the door. “You okay?”
“I didn’t know if you’d be awake. Can we talk?”
“Sure, of course. Come in.”
She comes in and lies flat on her back on my bed. She does this a lot; sometimes she even stays in here. I think Jo is lonely, so damned lonely, and she’s broken, and she wants desperately for her life to be anything other than what it is, that very thought makes her feel guilty, because she knows it could be so much worse. She’s stuck in a spiral she’s unable to detach from. I feel for her. Everyone deserves happiness. Everyone.
“What’s happened?” I ask, plugging my phone in and then lying on the bed next to her.
“Pat and I got into a huge fight when I dropped in to see him after work. I mean, huge.”
“How?” I ask her.
“I don’t even know how it started to be honest. We were talking about me moving back in there, and I told him I wasn’t really ready. I mean, we’d just had sex, and it was horrible. It was boring, and I felt so detached. I tried to enjoy it, I really did, but it just wasn’t there for me. It made me feel so much worse than I already do. So, obviously I wasn’t overly excited about the idea of that being my life again.”
“Understandable,” I say.
“So, I told him I wasn’t ready. It has only been a few weeks, and honestly, he has barely tried. He takes me to dinner here and there. He has never slept over here; I always go to his place. He’s not trying. Not really. It’s like sometimes he thinks he’s just got it in the bag, like he’ll keep me no matter what. Like he owns me. So I told him no, I’m not ready to come back. He lost it. He said it looks bad on him when he’s going to work functions alone, and people in the office are talking.”
Oh. Poor Pat.
Not.
If he stepped up and actually made some effort for his woman, he might find she’d be more excited about coming back to live with him.
“I told him I was sorry he is going through that, but it isn’t enough to just make me come back. He said even the girls at work are trying to come onto him, and it’s really hard for him to stay away from them when his own wife doesn’t want him.”
“Oh he didn’t!”
She nods. “Yep, he did. Well, you can imagine I just flipped a switch. I told him if that’s how he feels, why the hell is he bothering with me? He might as well just let me leave and be done with it. To which he replied that he’s not just going to give up that easily, and he’s not letting me leave. But I realized that the only reason he doesn’t want me to leave is because he knows damn well the kind of talk it’ll generate. Someone with his power, it’ll look so bad, and God forbid he looks bad. Not to mention the money split; he’s not willing to share that yet either. He’s content in his boring little life, and he’s content with having a boring wife at home. I’m not, though.”
“Honey,” I say carefully, “why are you staying? What is holding you there? You’re a strong woman, proud and full of courage. Why stay somewhere you’re not happy?”
She exhales. “Because I made a promise to him, to myself. I loved him; shit, I do still love him I suppose, but I married him. I made a commitment. Not just that, but the split would tear our families apart. It would be so messy, so damned ugly, that I just don’t know if I can take it. It would really bring me down, I know it would—not just me, but the press . . . Everyone would have a field day if the richest man in his age group suddenly got dumped. It would cause a media shitstorm.”
She’s right. Pat, being as wealthy as he is, and so well known for his age, would cause a media shitstorm. Not to mention the fact that she’d cop a lot of crap from his family, her family, and everything would go really, really bad. All the same, she shouldn’t be forced to stay when she isn’t happy; nobody deserves to live half of their best life.
“You can’t stay there forever, feeling like this, though.”
She sighs, and rolls to her side. “I know. I’ll figure something out. I will. For now, I told him I’m staying here. Of course, he called me the whole way home, telling me how sorry he is. It would be okay if he actually meant it, but he doesn’t. I know he doesn’t, and he knows he doesn’t. He just doesn’t want the hurricane that would come with our divorce. Honestly, he’s probably already got a mistress.”
It wouldn’t surprise me if he was getting it from somewhere else. Not at all.
“I’m sure he’s not,” I say, because I’m not an asshole and I’m not going to make my best friend feel any worse than she already does.
“Anyway, tell me something awesome. I can’t deal with any more Patrick talk.”
“Well,” I say, and a big, stupid grin spreads across my face, “I lost my virginity tonight.”
Her eyes widen, and she screams, “No way! No freaking way! And you let me go on for so long about stinking Patrick?”
I laugh. “Well, you needed me. I’m not that selfish.”
“Next time, be selfish! Was it Tanner? Oh, please tell me it was Tanner?”
“It was Tanner.” I grin.
She fluffs a pillow under her head and says, “Right, tell me everything.”
So I do.
I tell her everything.