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I stare at her headstone, reading the beautiful poem carved into the gorgeous marble. There are fresh flowers and a few teddy bears by her grave. It’s a lovely sight, warm and cozy. You can tell that her family adored her; you can see it in the effort they’ve put into this area for her.
I’ve never come to visit her, never wanted to truly face what I did.
But here I am, by her grave, on my knees in the dark night, ready to face her.
Ready to talk to her.
Ready to tell her what I should have told her a long time ago.
This should have been the first place I visited. It wasn’t.
She should have been first on my list. She wasn’t.
“Hi.” I croak, my voice shaky from all the sobbing I did on the way over here.
After what happened tonight, I know I have to find answers, once and for all, but mostly, I owe it to Celia to come here and talk to her. More than anything, I owe her that.
“I should have come a long time ago,” I whisper. “But the truth is I was afraid. I was scared of what facing you would have done to me. I was scared that it would break me. You deserve me to be here, though. I have so much to say to you, Celia, but I don’t know where to start.
“I didn’t even know you. I don’t know what you were like, or the sort of person you would have become, but I do know that when you looked into my eyes that night, I saw something. I saw pain, and regret, and something that had broken you so deeply you stepped out in front of my car.”
I take a shaky breath, rubbing my face with my hands, and continuing, “I don’t know what happened to you, but I swore that I’d find out, and I will. You deserve someone to fight for you. You deserve that. Mostly, you deserve me to tell you how sorry I am. I’m so sorry, Celia. If I was paying attention, maybe I could have stopped myself in time. Maybe I would have gotten out of that car, and we would have talked. We would have become friends. Maybe you would have told me why you were there that night.”
A tear runs down my cheek, and I hiccup softly. “Maybe I could have saved you. I can’t save you now, Celia, but I can get you the justice you deserve. I’ll find out what happened to you. I’ll find out if you were hurt, and I’ll find out who hurt you. I really wish you were here now, so I could tell you this in person, but I can’t. It’s too late. So, I’m sorry. I really am sorry. I will make sure you rest in peace, Celia. I promise you that.”
I run my fingers over the cold stone, and then I push to my feet, straighten my shoulders, and take a deep, shaky breath.
I’m ready.
I’m ready for this to be over.
I know just where to start.