The nurse wasn't lying when she said the chapel was quiet before sunrise—too quiet Jorja had to admit. But she soon realized that her discomfort was because the solitude forced her to face herself. So, she sat there, staring at the large white cross as if she was waiting for something to happen. Maybe a preacher would sneak in from behind a hidden door, or a choir would start singing, or perhaps she waited for God to strike her, punish her once and for all and get it over with so she could move on with her life. But nothing happened.
She leaned over to pick up one of the Bibles from a little cradle behind the pew in front of her. She flipped through the thin pages in search of Leviticus, then gave up when she couldn't find it and flipped back to the index in the front of the Bible. When she eventually found the page number that sent her to the third book, she paged to chapter nineteen then scanned down to verse eighteen. She read the words:
'Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people,
but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.'
She read it twice; it still didn't make any sense to her. Her eyes lingered on the cross again as she wondered why Ewan had told her to read this scripture. He’d also told her to leave her anger to God. None of it meant anything to her, so she slammed the Bible shut and put it back where she’d found it.
With the same hubris she’d come in with now slowly multiplying, she was just about ready to get up when she heard a man's voice from somewhere behind her. It startled her, more so because once again she’d dropped her guard and hadn't heard him come in.
"Well, you must be desperate to come in here this early," he said sounding smug and amused.
She ignored him and got up to leave.
"Sorry, the meds are making me grumpy," he immediately apologized, draping his masculine arms over the pew in front of him.
She sat back down, not sure why she was so relieved to have found a reason not to have to go yet.
"I'm usually in here alone this time of the day. Early bird catches the worm and all that. The doctors will be passing through here when they change shifts in a few hours—that's when God is at his busiest, I reckon." He smiled and Jorja couldn't help noticing how attractive he was. Roughly her age, tanned skin, dark hair, and the bluest of blue eyes one could ever imagine. He looked her up and down.
"So, what's your story? I'm usually good at guessing but I will admit, I cannot decide if you are a patient or a visitor. It's a bit early for visitors but then you don't look like you are sick either, hence my conundrum," he winked.
"My friend got hurt, I'm waiting to hear." She suddenly felt acutely conscious of how she looked and she tucked her hair behind her ear.
"So you've come to pray for him, that's nice."
"No, I didn't come here to pray, and what makes you think it's a man?"
"Because women like you aren't the single type," he flashed his handsome smile again.
"Well, I am single." Why was she telling him this?
"Great to know. So why are you here then if you're not praying?"
She didn't know, so she didn't answer.
"Ah, now I've got it. You're blaming yourself, aren't you? What did you do, huh?"
"What? No, nothing, it's none of your business." She still didn't move to get up, found herself not wanting to for some strange reason.
"So you do feel guilty. Told you I'm good at this. I bet you're here looking for absolution. Except, you think you aren’t worthy of God's forgiveness. That whatever you did will be too big a sin for the man upstairs to forgive you." He studied her face. "Yeah, there it is. You're wondering why God's let you get away with it, why he's not punishing you instead of your friend."
He smiled then moved to sit next to her in the pew.
She wondered how it was that this stranger knew what she hadn't even fully come to understand yet. As he slipped in next to her, she noticed for the first time that he was wearing a dressing gown. He caught her eyes glancing at the hospital bracelet on his wrist.
"Yep, I'm a patient in case you're wondering. Been here on and off for almost four years now. AIDS." He waited for her to react the way most people did when they found out. Except she didn't. He looked puzzled.
"You're not shocked, that's a first."
"Should I be?"
"Most people are, thinking I must be homosexual and such."
"Sorry."
"Don't be. I guess this was what it took to find my own absolution. It's what finally brought me to my knees."
He looked pensive as if recalling the past.
Her brows pulled into a slight frown but she waited for him to tell her more.
"You're not the only one who has something to be ashamed of, you know. We all have regrets over the choices we make in life. I looked for absolution too, didn't think I was worthy of God's forgiveness either. My life was a mess before I eventually came face-to-face with God. Addiction is the devil's secret weapon of choice. Drugs, food, alcohol, sex, you name it. I lost a lot of friends along the way, most of them my fault."
He fell silent then turned to study her face again.
"But you don't strike me as an addict, so which is it, huh? I'm guessing fame or fortune, the only two left in the box."
Jorja didn't say anything and he turned to face the front of the chapel. They sat quietly staring at the white cross before he eventually spoke again.
"Here's what I do know about absolution. You're never going to get it until you forgive yourself first. Sometimes you make it easy for God to get you to that point of forgiveness, but judging from the pain in your eyes, I'm guessing you have been fighting it for a while. So here you are, in the dead of night, alone in a hospital chapel facing your demons while your friend is fighting for his life. Maybe you had something to do with him being here, maybe you didn't. But you are going to have to face your afflictions and stop trying to run away from whatever it is that's haunting you, before it destroys you and all those around you. Take it from me. No sin is too big for God to wash away and correct our paths, and for the record, he's not in the business of punishing people just so he gets his way. He's waiting for you to make the first move. In order to heal, you have to stop pretending it isn't there and face it head on. Sometimes the very thing that brought you here tonight is God's way of nudging you to face your demons. The more you run, the harder God has to fight to get your attention. I waited too long. Don't let staring death in the face be the last resort."
He got to his feet then glided toward the door.
"I'll leave you be. I think you need the chapel more than I do today."
And as suddenly as he had sneaked up on her, he disappeared.
She must have sat there staring at the white cross for at least another thirty minutes, alone in the chapel, trying to digest what the stranger had told her; figure out how he knew what she was going through. Perhaps the man with the piercing blue eyes was dead on and that the time had come to stop hiding. If God was waiting for her to make the first move toward turning her life around once and for all, then that's what she would do. She would face her past, her fears, and her enemies head on. Perhaps if she found closure she could forgive herself. Perhaps God would then forgive her.
She found herself whispering her intentions to God and asking him to help her, even if she thought she wasn't worthy. And as she sat unknowingly praying, the friendly nurse barged through the chapel doors behind her.
"The doctor is ready to talk to you now, Ms. Rose. Come, I will take you to see him.” She smiled and beckoned for Jorja to follow her.