On his road trip back to Houston, Keithe took it easy down i-45. All he wanted to do was drive and listen to the sweet sounds of J. Moss and Karen Clark-sheard.
“(Ooo) how can people live without him/how can people pray and doubt him?”
It was just the song Keithe needed to think about why his wife couldn’t get it together. Why couldn’t she live for God and why couldn’t she just pray and not doubt? heck, why couldn’t she change?
“Because she doesn’t want to,” Keithe answered himself when he thought about the question he planned on asking God. “Lord, I don’t even know what to expect on this trip back home to Houston. This girl…no, this grown woman can’t seem to be faithful, respectful, or decent at that. Am I wrong? Is it me?” he jabbed at his chest while easing onto the highway in his Range Rover.
“Seriously. For real though.” he wiggled his knees, as if doing so would get God ready for what he was about to share. “Back in the day, in college, ya boy, yeah.” he figured he’d slow it down when he realized his actions back in the day were nothing grand to speak of. “I did my thing. But I married Michelle for your honor and your glory, God. Are you holding me accountable for things of my past? huh?”
Waiting, but not directly waiting, for an answer, Keithe just drove and listened to his song of choice. When he heard the song fade out, he hit the repeat button on his steering wheel, which made the song start over.
“Ooo,” the melody started again.
“Lord, I’ve kept my promises to Michelle, and I’m going to keep my promises to you. I…I just need your help in keeping my mind stayed and focused on you, Lord. I really want to be the head of my household and follow you, Christ, as you followed the church. I want that.”
Thinking of Stoney, Keithe knew the butterflies that fluttered in his stomach when he thought of the young girl were serious territory he knew he shouldn’t cross.
“Please, Lord, keep my heart pure and my thoughts on you.” not making the verbal confession, Keithe believed that if he didn’t bring up what he thought his heart was feeling, he wouldn’t have to face the music.
Exhaling, Keithe turned the volume up on his ten-disc CD changer and rode the first wave of the four-hour drive.
His major concern was if he would seek a divorce, or hold on tight and wait for the next big tsunami to make its way into his one-sided marriage. There was no way he was going to play with his own emotions. He knew the truth, but he also felt the pain. All the tsunamis in his marriage were beginning to look the same. The latest one just had a new name.
“I love that woman.” he made promises to the space inside of his truck. “I just wished…” his words trailed off. There was no one—no one—he could go to and ask for help, advice, or anything when it came to Michelle. No cousins, no siblings, and no parents. Michelle was an only child, and since she had been an orphan, a ward of the state as she had said, there was no family linked anywhere.
He had tried on numerous occasions to ask her if she’d like to dig into her family background to see what they could come up. The last time he’d asked, with the glare he’d received from his wife, Keithe made a mental note not to even try to care as far as her family was concerned.
With the ring of his phone, Keithe smiled once he saw his mother’s number appear on the screen.
“Hey, Mrs. Ladybug. How are you doing?” he greeted her.
After a slight chuckle, Keithe’s mother said, “Well, that’s why I was calling you. I wanted to check on my prince.”
“Your prince is fine, Mother. Sorry I didn’t get to return your phone call before now.”
“Well.” She took a breath. “I’m not going to say it is all right, but I understand.” Changing her tone, Keithe’s mother let him know that she knew what had transpired between him and the woman she had grown to despise.
“I called your home, Keithe Katrell.” She used his middle name when she wanted the truth. “What is it that she did this time?” never one to fake with her son, Ladybug, as she was affectionately known by all who were blessed to be in her circle, had always let it be branded that she didn’t envy Keithe’s choice in wife. It hadn’t always been that way, but the more Michelle did to hurt her son, the less Ladybug was having it.
“Nothing to brag about,” he said about all the deeds that were completed by his wife. “It’s time for me to make some decision is all.” he hoped that would buy him some time in explaining to his mother.
“Hmm. While you’re pondering what to do with your wife, do I need your father to renovate the guest home out back?” Ladybug suggested as she looked through her kitchen window. Living in sugar Land, a suburb of Houston, Ladybug was more than willing to make arrangements for her son.
Really giving the idea some thought, Keithe considered that it would be better to go home and see which direction Michelle was willing to go. “How about I let you know later on in the week, Ma?”
“Gotcha. I love you, son. You’re a fabulous son, and any woman, who is a lady,” she said without having to curse her distaste for Michelle, “Would be grateful to have you. If you’re not somebody’s love, then you are with the wrong someone, son.”
“I hear ya, Ma.”
“Good. Make sure you hear me, or I’ll see to it that—”
“I gotcha, I gotcha.” Keithe tried to soothe the roar in his sixty-five-year-old mother.
“Good, because she’s in my league. I can take care of that if need be,” Ladybug said with a “sho’nuff” appeal. “Ol’ cougar, got my son in an uproar.” She veered their two-way conversation toward a one-woman show.
“Love you, Ladybug.”
“Love you too, dear. Oh, and don’t think I don’t know that you dismissed your driver. Son, please be careful. Okay? Did you take your medication?”
“But of course I did. I’m being extra cautious, Mother.”
When he clicked the line off, Keithe thought back on the early days he and Michelle shared, back when she’d willed herself to be a wife, and all the wife he needed. But something had switched. No longer interested in playing games with himself, Keithe realized he’d always seen what he wanted to see. The depth of who Michelle was had been seen once Keithe realized who he was and wanted to be.
Just as women had their levels of expectation with men—tall, dark, and handsome—Keithe craved the brown, beautiful, and slightly bowed legs of a woman. Michelle was all the physical he’d wanted. With her intellect amplified beyond his own, Keithe fell head over heels for his wife the moment he met her.
It hit him like a ton of bricks, the same bricks that he had used to build blinders. It was he who had done all the dramatic changing. It was all for the betterment of himself, but still, it wasn’t news, but he finally got it.
“Lord have mercy. Just what am I suppose to do now?” he asked when he realized he’d pulled the old switcheroo. All the partying, drinking, and smoking that he’d once participated in got him caught up in a life with a woman who couldn’t understand why he had changed. He was the one who went to church, walked to the altar, and meant what he’d spoken to the Lord. Now he saw it: his salvation had become the serpent to his marriage as far as Michelle was concerned.
“You said divorce isn’t an option.” when the Lord spoke to his heart, Keithe knew he had all the right reasons why he could flee from someone who didn’t have his best interest at heart. Michelle had committed adultery, didn’t want the same lifestyle as him, and seemed as though she loathed the God he served.
“I really have been playing myself. I’ve really been trying to make it work. This is crazy, Keithe.” he hoped he’d finally hear himself and listen. “Lord, forgive me for abusing myself. I’ve only wanted to make this marriage work because I gave my vow to you. But, Lord, unless you tell me to stay, it’s time for me to cut my losses and move on.”
Not a man of many tears, Keithe pulled in his lips and held tight to the tremble, hoping it would quickly disappear. He knew more than just talking about it would help him over this hump. He knew fasting and praying would be his guides into a peaceful heart and mind.
All the riches and material offers only supplied limited peace. The love his wife sparsely gave him was for the love of the flesh. It would take Jesus and Jesus alone for Keithe to dwell in a peaceful nature.
One more time, though not his last, Keithe pushed the repeat button and waited for the song to begin.
“Ooo…”