Stoney didn’t know what she was doing, but she knew being out of control was getting way out of hand. Another week had passed by and she took a look around her small apartment and saw clothes budding from the drawers, trash running out of the can, and the floor crowded with stuff.
Standing in front of one of the two mirrors present in her studio apartment, Stoney was hoping she could find herself. She’d become so obsessed with Michelle, trying to find a way to get into her life, so fixated with breaking through to her mother’s world, it had drained her. She no longer cared about giving her cares over to her savior and leaving her burdens there.
Casting all of her cares hadn’t been the closest thing to her thinking. At the very moment she couldn’t get a handle on anything if it didn’t have something to do with what she wanted. Keithe was the exception.
It didn’t matter if it was a smiley face or just a hello for the day. The one thing Stoney was consistent at was e-mailing Keithe. It had gotten to the point where she wanted to have steady contact with him, just in case she got up the nerves to blurt out the pain his wife had left her.
She still had not shared with Mercy all that had transpired, because she didn’t want Mercy to think she was a liar and stop helping her. Now that Mercy was in Houston and had only been home twice since, Stoney’s mania about Michelle was doing more damage to her psyche than ever before.
She’d been let go by the doctor’s office and, in turn, she had decided to let school go completely. Still living off of Grandma Susie’s burial money, rent was not a problem. Most days she just stayed in her apartment and wallowed.
“Stoney, what are you trying to do?” she asked herself while pulling her skin tight on her face. Not being able to get her hands on any medications since the day she had been fired, eight weeks prior, Stoney lost all sense of get up and go. Stooping to means she never thought she would, Stoney believed there was only one more way for her to get part of what she wanted.
Picking up her telephone, Stoney dialed the doctor’s office, asking to speak to Dr. Connor. Holding on the line, she tried to prepare for her lie she was willing to tell. “Ah, uh, hello,” Stoney responded to Dr. Connor’s voice on the other end.
“Stoney? Is that you? how are you?” Dr. Connor’s surprised voice sounded through the mouthpiece of the telephone.
“F…fine. I’m good, thanks.” She didn’t know if she should be short and sweet or if it was all right to show how sorry she was for abandoning the doctor’s office.
“Good. That’s good to hear. How can I help you?”
“Well, I wanted to know when it would be best for me to come and pick up my last check, instead of waiting for it through the mail?” Thinking she could buy some time while there and get some sample drugs, Stoney wanted to get there as soon as possible.
“Hmm,” Dr. Connor oozed. With no hard feelings thrown toward Stoney, he pondered his own desire. “How about I drop it by your place?” he purred like a cat, not really giving her an option.
Standing and pacing her apartment floor, which was covered with shoes and anything else that had its own home other than the floor, Stoney wasn’t too keen on the response.
“Well, I don’t want to put you out of your way, Dr. Connor. I can come up. It’s no problem—”
He cut her off. “Stoney,” he whispered through the line. “Look, I know what it is you want.” he lent a pause to see if she’d try to deny it. When she didn’t, he continued. “Let’s just say I can bring you what you need if I can get what I want when I get there.”
With an internal gasp and external tears rolling down her face, Stoney lingered as long as she could. “But. I…I…Uh.” She knew she was stuck between a rock and a hard place, but only because she wanted to be. “All right,” was what she said before she let herself change her mind.
Rattling off her address and directions, when she hung up the phone, Stoney fell to a heap on the floor. She hadn’t been to church in weeks, and probably even longer had she stayed away from praying.
“I can’t do this.” She shook her head, ashamed of even trying to get a prayer across. Being a virgin, she had no idea what she was getting herself into. Her desire to be relaxed medically outweighed her desire to stay pure.
“What is it now, girl? Go on and let that man bring them there pills fo’ ya. You making a big deal out of it. If ya God didn’t want you to have it, He wouldn’t make a way, don’cha think?”
“I don’t want to do this. I can’t do it. But I don’t know any other way,” Stoney yelled out. When her mind wandered to the previous week when Mike and Vicky showed up at her doorstep, Stoney knew she had been making excuses. Even when she thought about Mercy, Stoney knew if she had spilled her guts to her, she would try to help. But because she chose to stay secluded and chose to fight the battle on her own, Stoney backed herself up into a dark corner and waited until the doctor made his way over to her place.
It had been hours since the knock on the door. After it was all said and done, she didn’t even bother getting up to lock the door behind him. Rolling over and getting the bag full of prescription samples Dr. Connor had brought was all she had enough energy to do.
Never diagnosed with any illness of her own, Stoney thought herself to be crazy for giving herself to a man who wanted nothing more than what he felt she could offer. No longer a virgin, and with the pain in her heart and body boiling over, Stoney cried for what she had done.
When she had energy to get up, Stoney walked slowly toward the bathroom inside of her bedroom and placed her head under the faucet. She gulped just enough water in order to swallow the handful of pills.
“If you play the game right, I can bring you anything you need. Just let me know when you’re out and I’ll make another trip this way,” Dr. Connor had eased from his lips as he zipped his pants. “I won’t tell anyone…and if you want your job back, just let me know.”
Stoney had said nothing. There was nothing for her to say, knowing that with the handful of samples he brought, she’d certainly call him back in a day or two.