Tract Ten:

Spring-Summer 2011, and Beyond

A.C.E.

“Felix, open up! Come on, man!” Ray knocked loudly on the door to his veteran friend’s apartment. Felix hadn’t been at the meeting, and Ray was on edge. For over six months, as long as Ray had attended the weekly sessions, Felix was always one of the first people there. He was one of the last to leave, and he never missed a session.

Augie was leading the group in a discussion about reintegration into the workforce when Ray jumped up from his chair, startling those around him who had started to nod off. “Something’s not right. I have to check on him.” He moved quickly, with a determined purpose, toward the door.

And as he passed Augie, the mentor nodded, a tuft of silver hair bobbing. “Let me know if you need backup.”

Ray looked through the shuttered window of the small studio apartment. There were gaps between the blinds, crenellations separated by the persistent fingers of someone always on alert, of someone peering out. He could see Felix there, hunched in a corner, illuminated by the ever-altering images on high-definition television. In a flash of blue light, tears streaked an anguished face, the hue shifted, and the visage plunged into darkness—an almost empty liter of Jack Daniel’s tilted by his side.

Ray pounded. Felix shifted his body, and clutched in his right hand was a 9mm Glock 17. “Dammit, Felix, open the door!” The pistol wavered, but still, Felix did not respond to the banging. Ray knew he was either choosing to ignore him or was somehow assimilating the noise into his inner experience. Either way, he had to act quickly. He recalled where the manager of the complex lived, at least he did when he and May lived here years ago.

He flew down the metal exterior staircase, his mind racing. Please, still live there. Please be home. He battered the caretaker’s entryway with one hand while the other hit his group leader’s contact information, “Augie, get here now,” he yelled into the phone before hanging up. From inside, he heard an interminably slow shuffling toward the door.

Mr. Rexall stood, stooped, and wizened. He remembered Ray and took him seriously when he said it was a matter of life and death.

“I’ve gotta call the police.” The hunched older man mumbled as he backed away after unlocking Felix’s door. “I know he’s a veteran and your friend, but anytime I unlock a unit without the owner's permission, I have to have a justifiable reason. They’ll do a welfare check and write a report.”

Ray didn’t have time to argue. Nothing was simple. He knew he was already walking along a volcanic ledge that could erupt at any moment, the results of which might be catastrophic. Self-inflicted or suicide by cop, an accidental discharge, collateral damage, there were any number of ways this could go.

“A veteran liaison on the way. Let him talk to the police before they come near the apartment. Please, Mr. Rexall, the cops understand the complexities of working with veterans. Have Augie talk to them first.” Ray heard a grunt of ascent as the tired caretaker scuffed away.

“Felix. It's me, Ray. I’m coming in.” He took a deep breath and opened the door.

****

A shimmering sheath of rain fell from the eaves outside Leo’s childhood home. Frondescence had long passed, and the world was now a blur of abundant and blending green. Beyond the distant rose quartz memorial stones, the river churned and fearlessly rose out of her bed, threatening to flood everything–springtime in Oklahoma. Inside, on Leo’s lap, was Jennifer’s adopted cat, Iris, her long white and brown fur nesting about her as she slept. Seated at the round kitchen table with her was Jennifer, her father, and in the fourth chair, where Uncle Paul usually sat, who was visiting Emily in Kansas City, perched Echo. A family pulled together, addressing wedding invitations.

Leo grabbed another vibrantly hued card. Before penning in the address, she looked at the collection of beings gathered here. Her family, her pack. Besides the most obvious, to avoid being eaten, she considered the advantages of being part of such a group in nature. Members had honed skill sets, they protected, nurtured, found shelter, or foraged for food. They divided and shared labor, cared for and guarded the young, even those who were not their biological offspring—the willingness of a pack to work together increased their chances for survival. Leo thought about the embroidered wall hanging in Ronnie’s kitchen, something Leo had committed to memory and held close to her heart. A simple quote from the feisty television star of “Modern Family”, Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Family is family. Whether it’s the ones you start with, the ones you end up with, or the ones you meet along the way.

“What are you doing next weekend?” Jennifer checked a name off the list and looked expectantly toward Leo. Her steady gray eyes were drops of pooled rain.

“Shelter work Saturday morning, but other than that, just studying. Why?”

Jennifer pushed a strand of sandy hair behind her ear, a motion Leo now knew meant she was either nervous, excited, or both.

“My mother is driving up from Rubottom. We’ll make a day of it. Lunch and wedding dress shopping, a girls-only event. Would you join us? We could pick you up when your shift ends.”

Leo couldn't contain her delight. “Count me in.” Iris languidly stretched and leaped down. With an erect tail and head, she slowly sashayed, with flaunting steps, underneath the chair where Echo sat. The dog heaved a sigh and rested her head in resignation on the table. Sometimes extended pack members were just barely tolerable.

****

When Ray entered the apartment, and Felix leveled the Glock, pointing straight between Ray’s eyes, he wasn’t afraid.

“Get outta here! I mean it,” Felix shouted, words dipped in despair and consternation. “Man, don’t mess this up…Get the hell outta here, Ray! If you don’t leave, I’ll have to shoot you. Then I’ll off myself. I don’t want to kill you, but you’re not giving me a choice.”

They were no longer on the front line, but the struggle continued. Stripped bare, there was a harsh reality: war is a lethal and ruthless operation. Combat disfigures and destroys. And if you slice open the chest of the consumptive beast, revealed is a thrashing heart, congested and enlarged. Each erratic beat underscores the core of wartime service, an unfaltering willingness to die for another person. I will lay down my life for you as long as I breathe. Even though they were no longer on the battlefield, Ray refused to let Felix go without fighting for him.

“You’re not alone. We’re in this together.” He remained present, non-threateningly calm, and with a low voice looking Felix in the eyes, he spoke with unwavering honesty and compassion. He remained clear-headed and focused until he saw an opening, a slight pistol dip, and a short closing of Felix’s pain-infused lens. Ray moved swiftly. He went to the wall, slid down next to Felix, and pulled the now sobbing man into his arms.

Felix had reached an edge. Everyone had one. Once the Glock was unloaded and secured, once the officer was dispatched back to the station, the report filed, Ray and Augie sat by their comrade’s side through a dark and heavy night. Felix relived the painstaking events that unfolded on this anniversary date when he lost his comrades to an ambush attack, the day he thought he had failed them. One moment Felix would tuck inside himself, oblivious that they were there. The next, he would laugh like a maniac or turn on them, taking anything around him, an empty bottle or a couch cushion, and hurl the object, lashing out with overwhelming rage. He cried with dissolution. A person can only take so much. Ray knew this. He, too, had stood on the brink of an abyss and jumped.

Ask–are you thinking about killing yourself? Yes. There is no point in living. Care-the situation is serious and deserves attention. Stay with them and then Escort–them to a trained professional, a chaplain, or a counselor. A.C.E. It was the business card Augie had handed out in his Veteran’s support group, with embossed resources and hotline numbers. Ray kept the information in his wallet at all times.

Into the smear of dawn, the world devoid of color, Ray and Augie helped a sobering Felix into a car. They accompanied him to an agreed-upon place that offered reinforced support, knowing there were some things even the strongest soldiers couldn't carry on their own.