Gabriel didn’t come back, so I went upstairs and got ready for bed. I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror and wished I didn’t look like her. But then I wouldn’t look like me either.
I read a few more chapters of the book on magic, learning that emotions, like love, were the most powerful, and that love, hatred, and fear could deeply impact spells and potions. Which was great for me, because I happened to be feeling all of them at the moment.
I really wanted to track Clara and Deanna, or even Keisha, just to feel them and know they were okay, but this wasn’t an emergency, and I wouldn’t want people peeking into my life when I thought I was alone.
I stared at the ceiling, unable to sleep for the longest time, finally deciding to open my window to get a little fresh air. That helped, but it would be a long time until I got to sleep.
“You’re killing it, Luce.” Sam was sitting in the corner of the room, his face beaming with pride.
“How are you here?” I asked, looking around for Ingrid. She hadn’t haunted me yet, but I had often wondered why she wasn’t constantly hounded by people asking her to bring back their loved ones, at least for a little while. It might drive her crazy in the long run, but she could have an imaginary Beth hang out with her all day, looking, feeling and sounding like the real thing.
“I’m always here for you. Until the end of time,” he brought up the promise he made me after his dad’s funeral.
“I’m dreaming,” I understood, wanting to run to him and take advantage of him being there, even in a dream, but dreams tended to turn into nightmares when Sam was in them lately.
“He can’t get us here,” he said, reading my thoughts.
“He can. He does all the time,” I argued.
“Not tonight,” he assured me.
“How would you know?”
“Because I’ve got you. If anyone bad shows up, you can freeze them or blow them up...you’ve got this,” he smiled.
“I appreciate your confidence.”
“But you don’t trust it.”
“I want to.”
“But you don’t want to be responsible if someone gets hurt. You would rather freeze or fail at some other kind of self-defense.”
“You’re acting like I would rather die…”
“Wouldn’t you?” he called me on it.
“If I could go back and take your place…”
“I would never let you.”
“I would do it. A million times,” I said over him.
“I know you would, but I’m the big brother, so I couldn’t let you.”
“They were after me. They wouldn’t have been anywhere near you if it wasn’t for me.”
“But I was always going to do whatever I could to protect you.”
“You had a family. Deanna and Clara will never forgive me.”
“And you’re mad at me,” he called me on it.
“I’m not…” I looked at him and knew he was right. “Of course I’m mad at you. You left me here and... you died for me.”
“I didn’t just die for you,” he tried to downplay it.
“You fought and died so they wouldn’t get me. Now I have to go home and tell your wife and daughter that I’m the reason you’re gone…”
“And you can’t give up,” he said, a big reason why I was mad at him. “I died protecting you, so if you die, it’s like I died for nothing. You can’t give up when things get hard or refuse to do the spells that scare you, because I died so you could live, and now you have to live.”
“I hate you,” I said, my eyes full of tears.
“I love you too,” he opened his arms so I could go in for a hug.
“Are you only okay with this because you’re a figment of my imagination?”
“No, I’m pissed off as hell,” he said, his red hair glistening in the moonlight, but I saw a hint of his mother’s fierceness in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I said, mostly for causing his demise, but also for asking and upsetting him.
“The difference is that I’m not mad at you. I don’t blame you for any of it.”
“Not a single thing?” I called him on his lie.
“Silly things that don’t matter anymore, like you and Deanna watching that doctor show without me when you know I can’t admit that I like it. For growing up so fast and making me feel old. For those times when Clara asks you to read her the bedtime story instead of me,” he put his hand under my chin to make me look at him. “But I don’t lose sight of who I’m really mad at. I died because if Donovan got what he wanted, he was going to kill Clara and Deanna, and everyone like them. He’s the real bad guy. That’s who I’m mad at for a lot of things.”
“I miss you. So much.” It didn’t need to be said, but I needed to tell him.
“I miss you too,” he agreed. “Do you think you can forgive me for leaving you alone and not letting you take the easy way out of this?”
I sighed and paused, considering it. “I don’t really have a choice, do I?”
“Not really,” he agreed.
“Then you’re forgiven,” I gave him a sad smile, knowing he wasn’t the one who needed forgiveness.
“Then I can give you your birthday present.”
“You really don’t have to,” I told him, pretty sure I couldn’t take things with me from my dream. “Just seeing you...this is perfect,” I said of the hug.
“The present’s better,” he assured me, leading me back over to the bed, where he proceeded to tuck me in, securing the corners like he hadn’t done for me in years. “Are you ready?” he asked, sitting on the edge.
I wanted to say no, because I knew he would be leaving as soon as he was done, but I was worried he would have to leave anyway, so I nodded.
“I forgive you,” he said, looking into my eyes so I could see he meant it. “For everything you have or will ever do. I forgive you,” he kissed the top of my head, then stepped back, out of the light, and was gone.
I woke with a start and recognized the room, but it suddenly felt empty without Sam in it. Or I guess I felt empty. I saw on the alarm clock that it was 2 am, so I tried to get back to sleep. Then I heard it.
“Lucy!” It was Sam’s voice, as clear as when he was sitting in front of me in the dream, but it was coming from outside the window.
“Sam?” I got out of bed and went to see for myself. It was one thing to talk to him in a dream, but another to hear him when I was awake.
“Come on!” he called with a smile, standing beneath the window.
“You can’t be here,” my brain tried to process what was going on.
“But I am. Why don’t you come see for yourself?” he suggested.
“Let me see your eyes,” I called down, knowing the guys would kill me if I fell into a trap.
“Green, like yours.” He stood under a porch light and opened them wide, so I could see.
“I’m coming,” I told him, putting on the riding boots from Charlie and a sweater, because that was all I had at the door.
“Took you long enough,” Sam sounded and looked exactly like himself.
“This is one of those things where you wake up but you’re still dreaming,” I called him on it as if he were the one who tricked my brain into thinking I woke up.
“That does happen sometimes,” he agreed.
“You should visit like this more often,” I told him.
“How will you miss me if I never go away?”
“I don’t want to miss you.”
“Come on,” he put out his hand. I followed him over to the stables, but then we walked around them towards the woods, and the swamps.
“It’s faster by horse,” I suggested.
“I’ve never been a fan,” he argued.
It was true. He was super allergic to any kind of animal. When Deanna found an abandoned puppy in the yard, we had to hide him from Clara and find a new home, because there was no way we’d ever be able to keep him.
“What adventure are you taking me on now?” I asked, glad I chose the boots. It would have been hard to keep up otherwise.
“It’s a surprise,” he smiled, daring me to figure it out.
“I’m not the biggest fan of surprises.”
“You’ll like this one.” He picked up the pace and I started to see how much easier it was for Donner to hop over obstacles, like overturned trees, than it was for me to climb over them.
I wiped my muddy hands off on the back of my boxer shorts, where I usually dried them.
Sam was unusually quiet, helping me over fallen branches and pulling others back so I could get through, but the deeper we went, the more I started to think this maybe wasn’t exactly what it seemed.
“Just a little bit farther,” Sam said like he sensed my uncertainty.
“Can I get a hint?”
“It’s something you’ve wanted a lot lately, but haven’t told anyone,” he said after considering it for a long time.
“But I didn’t want it before?”
“Never even crossed your mind.”
“I want it right now?” I questioned.
He paused, then looked at me like he wasn’t so sure anymore. “You will,” he told me.
We got to the clearing where Eric and I stopped the first time he took me riding. We usually avoided this place now, trying not to slow down so the bugs couldn’t get to us like they were right now.
“I don’t usually get eaten alive when I’m sleeping,” I worried, slapping my thigh, yet again.
“Who says you’re sleeping?” Sam asked, stepping into the muddy swamp.
“What are you doing?” I didn’t like where this was going. At all.
“It’s just past those trees there, in the bog,” he pointed to a spot where I could see a light, but not much else.
“What is it?”
“Do you trust me?” he asked.
“Of course.” Even as I said the words, I knew they were a lie. I trusted Sam more than anything in the world, but this wasn’t my Sam.
“Then follow me,” he put out his hand again, but this time I didn’t take it.
“Why don’t we go back to the house now. I can make us some tea and…”
“Don’t you want us to be together?” he cut me off, looking so upset, before pushing me into the swamp. I landed where it wasn’t too deep yet, but he dragged me further into the water, his hands like claws around my arms.