03

I don’t let on that I am surprised, even fucking amazed. All I’ll have to do is arrive at work, I’ll wank off, and spend the rest of the day picking pockets on the Annushka tram or the Bukashka trolleybus. If I get busted, there’ll be mitigating circumstances: I work at the institute. So I agree to take the job. That same evening, I drop in on a friend of mine who is an old international-class thief. He was a world-class crook until they locked up the borders with the crack guard Karatsupa and his faithful dog, Ingus.¹

When he hears the news, the thief says to me, “You’re fortunate and lucky, but you’re also selling yourself short. After all, cum is more expensive than black caviar. It’s almost on a par with platinum or radium. You stupid jerk! If I were you, I’d sell my spermatozoa one at a time to these biologists. That’s why they’ve been given microscopes—to count up small items. Sell them by the piece, goddammit! Understand?!”

“I understand. How could I not? I’m an ass, I really am. After all, the spermatozoon is the most delicious thing in the world. And frequent wanking is so injurious to one’s health! Don’t worry,” I say to the international thief, “I’ll up my price gradually. I’m no amateur.”

“Too bad you can’t dilute jizz the way they do sour cream in the store. You could skim off more profit that way.”

“Fuck it!” I say, slapping myself on the forehead. “Of course! Next time I’ll hold back and give them a second coming, I’ll outwit them and overfulfill the plan!”

“I wouldn’t advise doing that,” the thief says, speaking seriously. “Never interrupt sexual relations, even if it’s with Dunyasha the Fist. It’s bad for you. I once had to get rid of a broad because of that. She started howling at me, ‘Do your coming somewhere else!’ ‘How about in your middle ear?’ I asked. ‘I don’t give a damn where you do it, just not in my pussy!’ And would you believe: my goddamned toenails almost stopped growing because of that! I had to get rid of her. Because you’ve always got to come like a man. That’s my advice, and for that, you can treat me to a bottle on payday. Also, get some milk off them on grounds of compensation for damages. Tell them blood donors are normally given some sort of meat to eat after they donate. Don’t be a fucking amateur. Remember: in America, you come five times, and you earn enough to buy a car. Got it?”