(AUGUST 1999)
I brace my hand on the counter and gulp into the phone. “Hello.”
“Hey, Susie, it’s Jen.”
“Oh hi, Jenny. How are you?” I pull up the kitchen stool and slump down.
“Good. How are you?”
I cradle my forehead with my hand. “Good. Well, fine. You know. It’s shitty, but I complain so much these days, talk about myself so much these days, my grief. My friends must get sick of it.”
Jenny sighs. “Oh, Susie, it must be so hard. I just feel bad because I can’t do anything. To be honest, when I call, part of me hopes to get the answering machine. It’s difficult to hear you in pain.”
“Yeah.” I straighten up a bit. Honesty gets my attention. Truth is vital when my feet are on shifting ground and all is unfamiliar.
Jenny invites me to go to VanDusen Botanical Garden in Vancouver with her mom and her four-year-old son, Montgomery. She thinks the meditative garden will be healing for me. When they arrive to pick me up, I am sitting in the hallway of my parents’ house, hands clasped in my lap, coat on, waiting. I follow Jen to the car, smile a hello to her mom in the driver’s seat and open the rear passenger door.
“Hi, Montgomery, how are you?” I crouch to get into the back seat beside Jen’s beautiful boy. His feet dangle in the air, and his palms press into the leather seat. His brown eyes are so wide open. I wait for an enthusiastic hello.
“Is Jim dead?” he asks, clearly and firmly. Jen sucks in her cheeks and flips her head to look at her mom.
I look at him. “Yes, Montgomery, Jim is dead. It’s sad, isn’t it?”
He nods his head slowly up and down. I sigh and sit back in my seat. Silently, I thank Montgomery for asking the question I ask every day. Is he really dead? Montgomery swings his legs and looks ahead.
The Zen meditation garden weaves through small trees, stone statues and gentle cascades. Sitting on one of the stone benches, I lose myself in the symphony of birdcalls. For a minute or two, there is nothing else. But my thoughts churn again, preparing for my trip to Mount Kilimanjaro in Africa. There is so much to do before leaving. How will I manage it all without Jim?