I set this fire in my heart to compensate for this lost love.

THREADBARE, “MIDAS”

10

ONE FOOT OUT OF HELL

One thing that working with my shadow self—as well as the other practices covered throughout this book—has really helped me develop is compassion for all kinds of people. Being heavily tattooed with big holes in my earlobes, a skateboarder, and a fan of punk and hardcore music since my teenage years has left me all too familiar with judgmental people, especially since I grew up in a small town before these things started to become even somewhat socially acceptable.

Disapproving looks and comments under the breath—or in some cases to my face—have been commonplace throughout my life and have led me time and again to contemplate why people feel the need (or think they have the right) to pass judgment and write someone off based solely on outer appearances and lifestyle choices.

There’s no simple answer. Each person is an individual with a unique set of circumstances that has led them to become who they are. One thing I’ve come to recognize about myself and my own judgments (because yes, I too am human and have no shortage of them) is that they’re usually rooted in fear.

Over the last several years, I’ve watched how being a counterculturist, or raging against the machine (though truth be told, when I was younger, I often wasn’t quite sure exactly what machine I was raging against), has often left me judgmental toward people who are celebrated by the mainstream media: from spiritual teachers to musicians, actors, and more. Don’t get me wrong; I’m grateful for my punk/hardcore roots since they helped me dismantle a lot of the naiveté in my otherwise culturally conditioned mind, but I am definitely experiencing some of the residual effects in my adult life.

I’ve come to recognize a sincere fear within myself of appearing to be a “conformist” for nothing more than liking a popular band, reading one of Oprah’s official book selections, or maybe, just maybe, even admitting that someone like Justin Timberlake actually has some legitimate talent. It’s a fear of judgment from my underground, countercultural peers, but at the end of the day, isn’t a close-minded judgment a close-minded judgment? Yup, I still have plenty of work cut out for myself too.

On a deeper level, there’s the hateful rhetoric of racism, sexism, homophobia, and more. Let me be clear that I don’t condone any sort of hate-fueled ideology, because close-minded ignorance definitely turns my stomach. Every time I see the news cover the Westboro Baptist Church protestors and their “God Hates Fags” signs or a KKK rally, I feel my entire body begin to tense up. Nevertheless, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t also make me feel a deep sense of sadness and compassion for those people because I know their hate is rooted in fear. I spent the better part of my own life living from a place of fear too, though I’m thankful it never manifested in any of the aforementioned hate-spewing ways.

Living for many years as a hardcore addict, there were countless nights I would lie in a dark room, filled with fear, self-hatred, and a disdain for God (or whatever “it” was out there that created this whole insane goddamn world), wishing for death to take me. I lost so many years of my life to those experiences that now, having come out the other side of them, I can’t help but have compassion for those who suffer. That includes all forms of suffering and all who suffer, even those who are filled with hate and prejudice. To me, it’s obvious that they’re the ones who are the most frightened. (Just a reminder: Everything Mind includes everything.)

Sometimes I’ll take a minute and put myself in their shoes, imagining what it must be like to go to bed each night filled with so much anger, hatred, and fear. I’m sure that for the majority of them these feelings occur on an unconscious level. But no matter where they are, they are there. Whether those people realize it or not, it’s making their lives what I could only imagine to be a complete living hell. Remember the shadow self and projection? Yeah, that.

When I sincerely try to envision the scared inner child housed within each one of those people, honestly, it becomes virtually impossible for me to muster any judgments to throw back on them, no matter how much I disagree with their beliefs and viewpoints. As crazy as this may sound, all I’m left with is the desire to hug each one of them. Instead of meeting their fear and hatred with fear and hatred of my own, I’d much rather look them in the eyes with compassionate understanding and tell them that it’s going to be okay—that we’ve all suffered.

You might believe I’m naïve for thinking like this, and who knows, maybe I am, but it’s what’s in my heart. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that when I quiet my mind and allow my heart to guide me, I’ve never been steered wrong.