This was not how her life was supposed to go.
Alissa wasn’t supposed to be in a social worker’s office that smelled of burned coffee on a cold night in December. Alone. Without Mommy and Daddy. Please wake up, she thought. Let this be a bad dream.
But dreams didn’t have smells. Nightmares were over faster than this. If she called out from her cozy bed in their warm house, her mother came. Not now. Her mother was dead. She would never comfort Alissa in the middle of the night ever again.
The social worker, Mrs. Keele, had left her in the office to wait while she wrapped up some details. Alissa didn’t know what details meant, only that she was to be sent to a foster home because her mother and father were dead.
Shaking, she pulled her sweater tighter around her middle. She’d had her jacket on after her school concert, but she didn’t now. Where had her jacket gone? A space heater in the corner made a humming insect sound but no heat warmed the room. Her tired, puffy eyes stung. A split in the orange plastic cushion of the chair dug into her leg as she looked around the small office. Layers of paper and folders littered a grey metal desk. A calendar with a photograph of kittens playing with a ball of string hung on the wall behind the desk.
The scent of burned coffee reminded her of the time her mother forgot to turn the electric pot off, and the stench had filled the house. Daddy had teased Mommy, saying she was an absentminded professor. This was their joke because they were both professors and equally forgetful. They’d never forgotten Alissa though. She’d been their whole world. Hadn’t Mommy just said that to her last week?
The accident had been at night, coming home from her school holiday recital. Her fourth-grade class had sung “Frosty the Snowman.” Alissa was the smallest in her class, so the teacher had put her on the bottom rung of the bleachers. Her parents had been in the front row with their video camera. They’d smiled and clapped extra hard when the song finished.
Going home, the roads were icy. Daddy said not to worry. He was a great driver even with ice because he was extra careful because of the precious cargo he carried. “That’s us,” Mommy said, as she glanced back at Alissa.
A car had lurched into their lane like a bumper car ride at the county fair they’d been to last summer. She remembered that. Mommy screamed. Then, everything went black. Alissa woke up in a hospital bed. Her head and body ached. Her mouth so dry. A nurse with hair like a mushroom and creases in her cheeks had given her ice-cold water in a plastic cup with a bendy straw. “Where’s my mommy and daddy?” she’d asked.
The nurse with the mushroom hair zipped her lips together and avoided eye contact, then scurried away. A policeman in a blue uniform and a round stomach came to talk to her. He’d spoken softly, like they were at the library.
Her parents hadn’t survived the accident. “They were killed instantly,” he said. “They didn’t suffer.”
“But I heard Mommy scream,” Alissa said.
The rims of the police officer’s eyes turned pink. “I’m sorry, Alissa.”
She was an orphan now. She asked him what would happen to her. He said social services would come. “They’ll find a place for you to go,” he said.
“A place?”
“A home with a family. A foster home,” he said. “Or, a relative who wants you.”
There was no one. Her parents were only children. Alissa’s grandparents had all died before she was born. Mommy had once told her that she and Daddy had been drawn to each other because of their similar experiences, having lost their single mothers young. “We became each other’s family,” she’d said.
So, that meant she would go to a foster home. She’d heard of those. A girl in her grade had been in one. She came to school in dirty, ragged clothes, and her eyes reminded Alissa of a dog’s eyes she’d seen in an advertisement for a pet rescue society, haunted and defeated. Mommy had once said that it was a special type of person who would offer their home to a child in need. Was she now a child in need? She didn’t want to be.
Now, she waited for Mrs. Keele to return and tell her where she would go next. The vastness of that question made her chest burn. She would not go back to her own house with her pink room and unicorn pillows. She would no longer wake to the smell of bacon and pancakes. She would no longer fall asleep after a bedtime story. They’d only been halfway through the Harry Potter series. Would she ever know what happened to Harry, Ron and Hermione?
“We’ve done a search and there’s no one in either of your parents’ families that are available to take you,” Mrs. Keele had said.
“I know,” Alissa had replied. She could have told Mrs. Keele that, but no one asked her anything. They just set her aside like leftover Chinese food going bad in the back of the refrigerator.
“We’ll find a nice family for you,” Mrs. Keele had said, as her large hands moved papers around her desk. Her skin looked chapped, and her cuticles red and irritated. Alissa wanted to offer some of Mommy’s lotions that she’d always carried in her purse. Where was Mommy’s purse? Had it been thrown from the car? Was it out on the highway somewhere? Were Mommy’s friends sending texts to a phone that would never be picked up again?
Mommy and Daddy.
Tears came. Alissa tried to stop them, but it was useless. Grief filled her, pushing away everything but the awful bleak hopelessness. She hugged her knees and sobbed. A terrible darkness lived in her chest now. She was lost, adrift. Alone. Mrs. Keele said she couldn’t go back to school. She’d no longer be best friends with Sophie. Probably that horrible Roxanne would worm her way in and become Sophie’s new best friend. She’d never see Mrs. Johnson, her favorite teacher, ever again.
Everyone she loved was gone.
What would happen to their Christmas tree? There were presents under there too. Who would take them? The shell frame she’d made at school for Mommy and Daddy was under there, wrapped in sparkly blue paper. What would happen to it? And what about all their things?
Her thoughts were interrupted by Mrs. Keele’s return. “Time to go, dear.”
Go? Where?
Alissa was in Mrs. Kirby’s kitchen. Gingerbread cookies were stacked on a platter shaped like Santa. Alissa had been allowed to have a cookie even though they hadn’t yet had dinner. The sweetness remained in her mouth even after taking a sip of milk.
They’d chatted for a few minutes, then Mrs. Kirby told her something surprising.
“I knew your dad,” Mrs. Kirby said. “He was a wonderful man.”
“You knew him?”
“Yes, my late husband worked with him at the university. They were both professors. I remember when you were born. Your dad was so proud. He went around the whole department handing out cigars.”
“Cigars?” Alissa wrinkled her nose.
“That’s just something people do when a baby is born,” Mrs. Kirby said. “Silly, isn’t it?”
“Kind of.”
“Would you like to call me Maddie, instead of Mrs. Kirby?”
“I guess so.” Alissa studied Maddie. She had long dark lashes and wore pink lipstick. Her perfume smelled like a meadow of wildflowers. She wore a zebra print dress and long black boots with a heel. Mommy would have liked her. She would have complimented her boots. “Did you know my mom too?”
“Yes. I met her a few times at parties. She was very pretty and smart…” Maddie trailed off, and fidgeted with a napkin.
Alissa nodded and tried not to cry. Her Mommy had been the prettiest woman in the whole world.
They didn’t suffer.
“They died,” she said.
“I know, sweetie. I’m so very sorry. It hurts, doesn’t it?”
“Yes,” she whispered. “I just want to go home.”
Maddie put her hand on Alissa’s shoulder. The gentle touch made her want to crawl onto Maddie’s lap and bury her face into the soft, sweet-smelling shoulder. “My husband died a few years back,” Maddie continued. “My little daughter too.”
A dart of shock coursed through Alissa. Did Maddie have the dark hole in her chest too? Was that what made her eyes sad?
“They were in a car accident too,” Maddie said.
“Oh.” She couldn’t think what to say.
“I know how hard it is to understand what happened but I’m here to help.”
“You have sad eyes,” Alissa said.
“Yes, I do,” Maddie said. “My heart’s sad, so it shows in my eyes. I’m here for you now. The others will be too. Your new sisters. You won’t ever have to be alone again.”
Alissa’s mind tumbled over this idea. Would her sisters become new friends? Other girls who understood what it was like to be without parents?
“I know I can’t take the place of your parents, but I’ll love you like my own.”
“Why?”
“Because loving you makes it hurt less that my daughter is in heaven instead of here with me.”
Maddie seemed nice—and she’d always wanted a sister. Not this way, of course, but her parents were gone. “I’d like to have sisters.”
Maddie smiled and kissed the top of Alissa’s head. “I have something for you.” She went to the counter where a blue purse sat next to the telephone. Maddie reached inside, and returned to the table to set a small silver heart in front of Alissa. “Whenever you feel scared or anxious, hold this heart and know your mother and father are now your guardian angels. They’ll always be with you, even if you can’t see them.”
Alissa squeezed her fingers around the cold metal. Seconds later, warmth spread through her body, seemingly radiating from the heart. For the first time, she had hope that she would be all right. Her mother and father were her angels now. All she had to do was remember them, and they would be with her.
“Thank you,” she said to Maddie, remembering her manners. Mommy always said there was always something to be thankful for, even during the darkest times. She was thankful for Maddie Kirby.
Please, Mommy and Daddy, look over me and this nice lady. And my new sisters.
Alissa was seated at the dining room table in Maddie’s house with three other girls. She couldn’t yet think of them as her sisters even though she felt an instant connection with them. They all had sad eyes too. Still, they were strangers, thrown together because their parents were gone. Jo was a big girl of fifteen, with green eyes that were angry, as well as wretched. When Alissa smiled at her, Jo looked away and flushed. Stevie was the next oldest at thirteen, with a face kind of like a storm cloud. Her hair was the color of a copper cup Alissa’s father used to drink Moscow Mules out of on Saturday nights. The littlest girl, Hailey, wore thick glasses and darted glances at Alissa with her big blue eyes. She was so tiny and thin that Alissa thought she might float away like a balloon if someone didn’t hold her down. With that in mind, she scooted her chair closer and reached under the table to take Hailey’s hand.
Hailey squeezed her hand back and they exchanged a smile.
Maddie set a pile of blank paper on the table. “Since we’re so close to Christmas, I thought it would be fun to write Santa a letter.”
Alissa glanced around the table. The two older girls looked down at their laps. A tear caught in Hailey’s lower lashes.
Alissa had planned to ask for the Barbie camper. Now everything was different. All she wanted was her mother and father to come get her. She’d give up Christmas presents for the rest of her life if that could happen. But even Santa couldn’t deliver that wish.
Maddie smiled at her. “He knows you’ve been through a lot and that you’ve been a good girl.”
“Okay,” Alissa said. “I’ll write one.”
Maddie passed around paper and pencils for everyone. The girls dispersed from the table, wandering to other places in the house. Alissa chewed on the end of her pencil, debating about what to write. Last month, she and Mommy had kept gratitude journals. Every day they wrote something they were thankful for and then shared it on the way to school. “No matter how bad things are,” Mommy’s voice echoed through her mind. “There is always something to be thankful for.”
Alissa didn’t want to be thankful just at the moment. She wanted to scream and cry and break things. Yet, Mommy was right. She was here with Maddie and the other girls. The house was warm and pretty with two enormous sparkly trees. The room smelled of cookies and hot cocoa. Maddie had managed to bring her clothes, books and dolls from home. They were already arranged in the upstairs bedroom she would share with Hailey.
Dear Santa,
I’m thankful for my new home even though I miss Mommy and Daddy. I’d still like the Barbie camper even though it seems stupid now. I wonder if Barbie’s parents are alive? I’ve never seen them so maybe they’re dead too. If that’s true, does she have a foster mom like me? I’d also like you to bring something for each of my new sisters that will make them smile and take away their sad eyes.
Yours truly,
Alissa Mann
That night, after they were allowed to eat a sugar cookie and drink a glass of milk, Alissa brushed her teeth. She stared back at her reflection, feeling almost as if her body and face belonged to someone else. Would she ever feel normal again?
She slipped between the covers in her new twin bed. Across from her, Hailey did the same. Maddie tucked the covers up around her shoulders, and kissed her forehead, just like Mommy did. Then, she did the same for Hailey.
“Will you be all right with just the night light?” Maddie asked.
Alissa nodded.
Hailey said, “Yes, ma’am.”
“My daughter was afraid of the dark,” Maddie said, as she perched on the end of Alissa’s bed. “I bought the brightest light I could find. In the morning, I would come in and she’d have turned on the lamp anyway.”
“Did she get in trouble?” Hailey asked.
“No. I always figured there were more things to worry about than whether or not she needed the lights on,” Maddie said. “Anyway, you girls sleep well. In the morning, we’ll do a little Christmas shopping, and go to the holiday festival at the town center.”
“Really?” Hailey asked. “I’ve never been before.”
“It’s one of the best parts of Christmas,” Maddie said.
Alissa squeezed her eyes shut to keep from crying. She and her parents had gone there every holiday season. They’d bought a new ornament each year for their tree. What would happen to all those ornaments now?
“What is it, sweetie?” Maddie asked.
“What happened to all the ornaments at my house?” Alissa asked.
Maddie swept a hand through her silky brown hair. “Your mommy’s best friend is taking care of putting away your parents’ things for you to have when you’re older. I’ll make sure she puts those in a safe place, okay?”
Alissa’s body flooded with relief. “Thank you, Maddie.”
“You’re welcome. Good night, loves.”
Maddie went to the doorway and turned off the overhead light. “Door open or closed?” she asked.
“Open,” Hailey and Alissa said at the same time.
“Open, it is then,” Maddie said. With one last smile, she disappeared from the doorway.
Alissa heard her footsteps down the hall, and then a murmuring of voices as she stopped in Jo’s room. She lay on her back looking up at the ceiling. At home, her mother had placed glowing stars on the ceiling. Here, there was nothing but black. After a few minutes, the sound of Hailey crying startled her from her thoughts.
“Hailey,” she whispered. “Are you all right?”
“No,” Hailey said in a shaky voice. “I’m scared.”
“It’s all right,” Alissa said. “I’m here.”
“Would you sleep next to me?” she asked. “Just for a few minutes.”
“Sure.” Alissa scooted out of the covers and crossed the few feet to the other bed. They were both small enough to fit nicely in the bed, laying on their backs and holding hands.
“Sometimes when I can’t sleep, I tell myself stories,” Hailey said. “I have one about a Dachshund puppy. Would you like to hear it?”
“Sure. I love dogs,” Alissa said. A feeling she’d never had before washed over her. She wanted to protect her little friend, her new sister, from harm and further pain. Not that she had any idea how. Maybe listening to her story was a good start.
“Once upon a time, there was a dog named Zeke,” Hailey said.
Her new sister only got out two more sentences before she drifted off to sleep. Alissa slipped back to her own bed, and curled on her side. The house creaked. Maddie’s footsteps, as she prepared for Christmas downstairs, soothed Alissa. She heard Mommy’s voice in her head. Everything will be all right, my darling. One day at a time.
Eventually, she fell asleep and dreamed of angels singing “Silent Night.”