Emily has lost the baby. It happened a few hours after her hospital visit, something confirmed by a scan this morning. She tells me in my living room, as she clutches a cup of untouched tea later in the afternoon.
I knew she was coming over because she texted en route to say Nick was dropping her off, but that still didn’t prepare me for the broken figure on my doorstep, the one whose pale skin seems to cling to her cheekbones. As she’d rightly guessed, the A&E couldn’t give her a definitive answer last night, so she had to wait to go to the maternity department this morning, where her darkest fears were confirmed.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I say helplessly. But the words don’t seem big enough.
‘I just feel . . . sick. I can’t believe this has happened. This was a baby I never even knew I wanted.’ The words scratch at the back of her throat. ‘Now, I’d give anything – literally anything – for her to have lived.’
I lower my eyes. Emily had no way of knowing the sex of her baby, but she’d obviously convinced herself she was having a daughter.
‘This doesn’t change anything between Nick and me though,’ she continues. ‘He knows I need him more than ever.’
I pick up my tea, but can’t bring myself to drink it. ‘Nick’s definitely leaving Jenny then?’
She stiffens at the use of his wife’s name. Then she looks down. ‘Tonight.’
I can’t think of a thing to say that’s appropriate.
‘He loves me, Lauren. And I know there’s a child involved, but from what Nick tells me, Tom is a sensible little boy. I’m certain this can all be done without disrupting anyone too much.’
She pulls her legs up tight on to the sofa, pressing them against her chest.
‘How do you feel?’ I ask, which is a silly question to ask someone after a miscarriage, but she misinterprets my motive anyway.
‘A little nervous, I must admit. But I’ll be glad when he’s done it. This whole thing has been kept quiet for so long, I’ll feel relieved when it’s out in the open. When we can be a normal couple. Stella’s said it’s OK for me to bring someone to the wedding.’
My head jolts up in surprise.
‘Why are you looking at me like that?’ she frowns. ‘There’s no sit-down meal or anything. It’s a very relaxed affair, that’s what she keeps telling us.’
‘I know, sorry. I didn’t mean to . . .’
Her jaw tenses as she takes in my expression. ‘You think this is wrong, don’t you?’
‘I’m worried about you,’ I confess. ‘About this. And, yes, I’ll admit it – I can’t stop thinking about poor Tom.’
She clearly doesn’t appreciate the statement. ‘Marriage breakdowns happen all the time, Lauren. It happens to loads of kids.’
‘I know,’ I say gently, conscious of what Emily’s just been through. ‘I’m just not convinced this won’t have any effect on Tom. He knows something’s been going on. He’s told me.’
A pulse appears in her neck. ‘What does he know?’
I don’t tell Emily the whole story. The last thing I want is to upset her further today. But I tell her enough. Enough to make it clear that this is not the victimless situation she’s convincing herself it is. That this is not something she can shrug her shoulders about and say, ‘no harm done’.
‘What’s Tom like?’ she asks eventually. I have no idea if the question has only just occurred to her, but I can only answer honestly.
‘He’s lovely. Funny, very sweet, full of personality. One of my favourites, actually.’ I wonder if I’ve gone too far.
She sighs. ‘You don’t think Nick should leave, do you, Lauren? You don’t approve of any of this. I knew you wouldn’t.’
‘It’s not for me to approve or not approve. But I suppose I can’t get out of my head that, when you’ve got a family and you’ve made a commitment to someone . . . well, I believe in the idea of sticking it out, of trying to make it work.’
‘What if he has tried to make it work? Their marriage is dead.’
‘If that’s the case, then yes, you’re right. If it’s dead, there’s nothing can be done.’ I pause before speaking again.
‘Although . . .’
‘Although what?’
I have no idea if I’m right or not to say my next words: ‘Jenny told me that, although they were having difficulties, they were making a go of it.’
‘When did you speak to her?’
‘Tom was wetting himself at school. He’d heard them discussing divorce.’
She swallows. ‘That’s surely all the more reason to end it. She must realise that Nick doesn’t love her any more.’
I can feel the inside of my lip between my teeth. ‘It’s just that he’d bought her a diamond ring. She’d thought it was a way of proving he loved her.’
Part of me expects Emily to throw back another protestation, but she looks momentarily crushed.
I suddenly wish I’d kept my mouth shut. Yet, I feel the need to explain myself, digging myself into a deeper hole.
‘I think the problem is that he’s leaving them after meeting you,’ I say. ‘If Nick’s marriage had broken down without someone else being around – without you being around – well, of course, these things happen sometimes. A ten-year marriage is never going to be as thrilling as a brand new romance – but that doesn’t mean you just throw it away. Not when there’s a child involved. Nick might ultimately decide that that’s the only option open to him, but if so, he ought to come to that conclusion himself, without you being ready to leap in with both feet.’
Then she starts to weep. And I’m hit by an overwhelming wish that just sometimes I could keep my big mouth shut.