BETWEEN KEEPING his grades up, football practice and games, and almost nightly video chat sessions with Cody, Liam was barely holding it together. He kept checking himself every time he was around Cody. He wanted to touch him so bad, he physically ached at the end of the school day. If it weren’t for the brutal practices Coach put them through, making him exhausted, he probably would slip up.
Other than extreme quickies in Cody’s car when he’d drive Liam home, they never had any time to physically be together. It was driving Liam crazy.
It was the end of October, and the football team was undefeated. It was the best record Liam’s school had ever had. Cody was definitely the rising star, eclipsing even the quarterback. And after each game, Liam relished the opportunity to hug Cody in public, as it was acceptable after a win. He wondered what he’d do if they ever lost. Possibly offer an arm around the shoulder in condolence? He hoped they’d keep the winning streak so the once-a-week hugs would keep on coming.
It was Monday morning after yet another win and Cody came up to Liam, slapping him on the back. “Liam, my man, how’s it goin’?”
Liam cringed. He hated the macho bullshit that Cody put on. But it was necessary. “Fine, dude. You?”
“Great news, gonna have a Halloween party. Whole team’s invited. Wanna go?”
Liam’s heart raced. Back to Cody’s house? Do ducks quack? Do drag queens love Spanx? “Sure. Sounds like fun.”
“Friday night, right after the game. Might not want to mention we’ll be watching Nightmare on Elm Street to your mother. Say we’re watching Hocus Pocus. She’ll love that it’s a Disney film.”
“You ain’t kidding. She doesn’t like the holiday much to begin with, but she does acquiesce to giving out candy and putting a jack-o’-lantern on the front porch.”
“Yeah, I can imagine, it being the devil’s night or something like that.”
Liam nodded.
“So, meet for lunch? We can talk more.” The morning bell rang.
“Sure. See ya then.” Liam’s stomach was in knots. He knew Cody was popular, so most of the football team would definitely show up. It was going to be hell not being able to touch Cody while the team gathered, but maybe he could swing an overnight out of the deal.
LIAM SNEERED at the choices for lunch. He was going to have to start bringing his own lunch if the food didn’t improve. He chose the lesser of two evils, a ham and cheese sandwich with fries and some apple slices. He grabbed a milk out of the cooler and wished they’d give a longer lunch period so people could go to the diner for a more palatable meal.
He found Cody already sitting at their table, poking at what was passing for meatloaf. “Hey.” He sat down across from Cody.
“Hey. How’s your morning?”
“Aced the chem lab. Hope the good luck holds for the test tomorrow. You?”
“Eh, got a B+ on my English essay.”
“That’s got to be a relief.”
Liam looked around and saw Matt heading their way. He motioned for Matt to sit down.
“Dudes, how’s it hangin’?” Matt plopped his tray down next to Cody.
“Discussing grades.” Liam opened up his milk.
Matt reached across for the salt. “As long as I keep above a C, I’m doing good.”
“Well, you’re a shoo-in for a football scholarship. The rest of us have to get by on our smarts.”
“Well, Liam, my bro, I’m glad you got the smarts, because I sure don’t. Pure talent.”
“Hope it carries on to college.” Cody smooshed his mashed potatoes around.
“Same here. So Cody, what’s going on at this bash of yours?”
“Scary movies, wings, pizza, ice cream. The usual.”
Matt started shoveling in some french fries. “I heard the entire cheerleading squad is coming. You know Hannah really likes you.”
Cody raised one eyebrow. “Really?”
“Yeah. She loves your hair. Whatevs.”
Liam felt that ever-present pang of jealousy flare up. Cody was so good at the flirting thing, but no matter how often Cody reassured Liam that the flirting was just a cover, Liam couldn’t help letting the green-eyed monster out, if only for a short moment.
“Well, I will make sure to make some time for Ms. Hannah. Can’t let this hair go to waste.”
“I think the entire team is coming as well. Not much else to do around here. Too old to trick-or-treat, too young to go out bar-hopping.” Matt wolfed down his own ham and cheese sandwich in three bites. “You’re kinda quiet.” Matt nodded to Liam. “Hannah’s best friend is Monica. I could see if Hannah would bring her with.”
Liam thought he was going to lose what little lunch he’d been able to eat thus far. “That’s okay.”
“What’s with you, Hartley? You should have sown some wild oats by now. What, you sweet sixteen and never been kissed?” Matt smirked at him.
Liam wanted to slug the jerk, but that wouldn’t solve anything. He knew he had to defuse the situation. “Monica’s cute. Sure, see if Hannah will bring her. We could do a double date, huh Cody?” The words stung as he said them, but he needed to make sure Matt didn’t suspect a thing.
“Sure thing.” Cody didn’t sound too convincing.
“Hell yeah. I’ll get with Hannah. Heck, maybe she’ll bring her older sister. I so do like older women.”
Liam rolled his eyes. “Her sister is five minutes older. They’re twins.”
“Older is older.” Matt got up. “Gotta split. Mr. Barder needs to see me about my chem lab. I don’t think my experiment was supposed to turn pink.”
Cody made sure Matt was out of earshot before he spoke. “You okay? You played along pretty good.”
“I’m good. I just hate this, all this.”
“I wish—eh, you’d think I’m nuts.”
“What?”
“I wish you could come with me when I leave. Transfer to my school, live with me.”
“Hell, Cody, that is some pie in the sky thinking there.” Liam looked left and right, then leaned closer to Cody. “But I wish that too.”
Cody lowered his voice. “Pretend I’m holding your hand. And that I kissed your palm.”
“Dammit, stop that. Not here.”
“Sorry. I’m just needing, you know, so bad.”
“I was trying to think of a way for me to stay over Friday, stay after the party.”
“Hmmm. My dad has been asked by the landlord to tuck-point the bad spots in the mortar. You know anything about that?”
“Sure. Had to help my dad last year. It’s not difficult.”
“There we have it. Ask to stay over so you can help tuck-point on Saturday. It’s a neighborly thing to do, right?”
“I like that angle. I’ll ask. If my dad calls yours, your dad will back us up?”
“Since he’s not that good at home repairs, I’m pretty sure he’ll love the help.”
The lunch bell rang.
“Okay, great. We have a plan. I’ll ask my parents tonight.” He followed Cody to the conveyor belt. Just before they parted ways, Liam gave a quick whisper to Cody. “And pretend my hand is elsewhere on your body.” He stepped away with Cody’s voice ringing in his ears.
“You’re an ass, Hartley!”
And that folks, was how you said “I love you” without actually saying it.
LIAM WAS pleasantly surprised how easy it was to get permission to stay over at Cody’s. Neither parent questioned his request to stay after the party and help Mr. Williams with the tuck-pointing. Maybe his parents felt sorry for the Williams’s, the family without a church. Liam didn’t know and he certainly wasn’t going to question it. Being with Cody on Friday was going to make Sunday church much more bearable.
Liam closed down his laptop Thursday evening, after having a less-than-satisfying video session with Cody. Each evening they got each other off over the Internet, but with the pressure of the church eating at him and jealousy over Cody’s flirting,it was becoming a struggle to orgasm. Liam needed the touches, Cody’s touches to his body, to get him excited and just seeing Cody over a laptop screen wasn’t doing it. He placed the laptop on the night table and grabbed the wet washcloth he had put there at the start of their session. At his awkward angle, he knocked his pocketknife off onto the floor.
After cleaning himself off, he picked up the knife. He opened it, the shiny metal catching a glint of the light coming from his bedside lamp. He ran his thumb down the highly sharpened edge. He jumped as a spark of pain nearly shattered his still-hypersensitive nerves. His heart thudded against his chest as a small line of blood formed on his thumb. The pain opened his senses very similar to the way he felt when Cody touched him. He studied the blade, his curiosity peaking. He ran the edge over another part of his thumb, again the pain giving him an almost orgasmic sense of relief. It took a few moments for his heart to calm and his breathing to even. By now, blood had dripped down his thumb, wrapping around his wrist. He put the knife away, then fumbled in his nightstand for a tissue and Band-Aid. He cleaned off the blood, wrapped up his injured digit, and fell back onto the bed. He turned off the lamp and lay there in the darkness, pondering the implications of this newfound release.
THE GAME was close, again, just like all the others. Liam wondered if they could pull off a squeaker, being that this game was their next-town-over rivals. The stands were full and the crowds raucous. He was really regretting his episode with the knife the previous night. Every time he grabbed the ball, the wounds would open up again. He’d already gone through a dozen bandages and had his coach yell at him to be more careful in the kitchen.
Kitchen incident, sure. He could live with that. Liam lined up to punt after a field goal. He botched the hold on the ball because of his thumb and the kick went short. The opposing team recovered with good field position. He wanted to kick himself for being such an idiot.
His teammates were not idiots, and they ended up winning by one. It was the closest game all season, but they pulled it out. And now they were first seed for their region’s playoffs. It was going to be a great night to celebrate.
Some of their classmates were already at Cody’s home when Cody and Liam pulled up. Both of them got pats on the back as they entered.
“Great game!”
“We’re number one!”
Cody’s mom had all the great party food laid out: pizza, hot wings, nachos and dip and cupcakes with candy spiders on them. Bottles of soda were in a tub of ice along with a couple of gallons of apple cider. It was time to feast.
Some people broke off in groups. Most sat in the living room to watch the horror movie, but Liam noticed a few couples slinking off to the dark corners to have little make-out sessions. Oh man, he wanted to grab Cody, but he bided his time. He felt a tug on his shirt.
“Good game today.”
Liam came face-to-face with Monica. “Uh, thanks.”
“You’re best friends with Cody?”
“Yeah.”
“Can you put in a good word for Hannah? She really likes him.”
“She put you up to this?”
“Sorta. We talked about it.”
Liam tilted his head over to Cody. “She’s asking him about me for you, right?”
Monica ducked her head and shrugged. “So?”
“I think Cody can make up his own mind.” They both turned to see Cody put his arm around Hannah’s waist. Liam felt such hatred at that moment, he crushed his cup, spilling what little was left out onto the floor. “Dammit.”
“Here.” Monica gave him a napkin. He cleaned up the cider on himself and the floor.
“Thanks. Been all klutz today.”
“Yeah, I noticed your thumb. What happened?”
“Kitchen, knife, being stupid.”
“Ah I see.” Monica grasped his hand and brought the injured thumb to her lips. “Better?”
Liam wanted to throw up, but he stamped it down and forced a smile. “Much.”
“You’d be surprised what a little feminine attention can do for boo-boos.” She tilted her head up and gave Liam a peck on the lips.
Liam closed his eyes as the too-soft lips met his. He swallowed the bile down, burning his throat.
“Hey, Hartley! Best scene’s coming up. Depp’s character gets shredded.”
Liam was never so grateful for an interruption in his life. “Coming.” He looked back at Monica. “It’s a great scene. Wanna watch?”
“Ewww, no thanks. Gore isn’t my thing.”
“Catch ya later.” Liam forced himself to walk casually over to the TV.
After the movie Liam made sure he kept up with small talk with various groups so Monica couldn’t corner him again. Cody was still cozying up with Hannah, so Liam tried to ignore them. It was hard, as each time he caught a glimpse of them, he saw red.
It wasn’t long after the movie ended that people started heading home. Liam could finally breathe once Hannah and Monica left. Soon it was just him and Cody, dumping cups and plates in the trash.
“Great party.” Cody dumped the slushy ice from the tub into the sink.
“Yeah.”
“You don’t sound too convincing.”
“I was trying to keep Monica off of me. You weren’t resisting too hard with Hannah.”
“I know it’s hard for you. You’re not bi. I’ve dated girls and enjoyed it. To you, being firmly on the gay side, a girl making advances is repugnant, I’m sure.”
“Did you enjoy tonight?”
“I enjoyed being with my friends. Hannah and I had a good conversation. And I will admit, she kissed me. Full disclosure here.”
“Yeah, well, Monica kissed me too.”
“And I’m telling you, it didn’t mean a thi—wait, what?”
“Monica kissed me.”
“How did you feel?”
“Like I was going to throw up.”
“Yep, female advances equal repulsive. There’s no bi in you.”
Liam made a face. “And you’re sure about Hannah?”
“All the time I was talking to her, I was thinking about what we were going to do tonight.”
“All right, then.” Liam stuffed the last of the pizza boxes into the trash bag.
“I think we’re good here.” Cody grasped Liam’s hand. “Shall we retire to the bedroom?”
“You read my mind.”
Neither boy got any sleep that night, which made balancing on a ladder to tuck-point the next morning a challenge indeed.
LIAM DOWNED his lemonade. Even though it was fairly cool out, he was sweating profusely. After the tuck-pointing, he volunteered to help cut and haul some wood from the downed trees on the property. He and Cody were sitting in the backyard, enjoying the late afternoon sunshine. Cody’s mom came outside with more to drink.
“You boys finish?” She set the pitcher on the step and sat down next to Liam.
“Yes, ma’am.” Liam refilled his glass.
Marissa laughed. “Please don’t call me ma’am. Makes me feel old.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“No worries. So, Cody said you had some questions you wanted to ask me?”
Liam looked out over the expansive yard. “If you don’t mind.”
“Nope.”
Cody nudged Liam. “Go ahead. She’s a good listener.”
Liam swallowed. “Me and Cody. That’s natural, right?”
Marissa furrowed her brow. “Of course it is.”
“I’ve been taught it’s a great sin and I’m going to hell.”
“Oh, hon, no. Look, I don’t want to sway you from your religion—”
“I’ve lost my religion. I can’t believe in it anymore. I need to know I’m going to be okay. You accept Cody, and me, and us and….” His voice trailed off.
“I’ve been where you are.”
Liam glanced over at her. “Really?”
“Yes. Born into a very Catholic family. But I realized at a very young age, what was coming at me at every Mass was pretty much bullshit. Pardon my language.”
Liam snorted. “I’ve heard worse.” He gave her a smile. “How did you get out of the church?”
“I had to bide my time until high school. I finally sat my parents down and told them I couldn’t believe in what the priest was saying. That any higher power couldn’t hate his or her creations, that he or she would create such inequality. And I was totally against the no birth control thing. That really rubbed me the wrong way. I’d done research at the library—this was back before everything was on the Internet you know—and found that human sexuality isn’t something to be repressed. Not that I condone sleeping around, sex and love need to go hand in hand, but it doesn’t need to be saved for marriage or be something to feel guilty about.”
“So you don’t believe I’m going to hell?”
Marissa gave a little laugh. “Hon, that’s why I love being Wiccan. We don’t believe in hell. Hell is a Christian concept.”
“There’s no heaven or hell?”
“Wiccans, other pagans, some of us believe in what’s called Summerland. A place we go when we die until we are reincarnated. Hell doesn’t exist.”
“But what about people like Hitler, or Stalin? Shouldn’t they be in hell?”
Marissa paused, taking in a long breath and letting it out. “To be honest, I struggle with topics like that. Leaning on my youth teachings, yes, hell would be a good place for such evil. But to reconciling such evil in my Wiccan beliefs—I came to the conclusion that people like that don’t go to Summerland, they just cease to exist, no reincarnation. That their evil energy is dissipated into the universe, forever dissolving out into the reaches of deep space.”
“Wow, that’s profound.”
“Nah, just the way I can deal.”
“So what about the Bible?”
Marissa patted his knee. “The Bible is a book, a good book, but it was written by men, and men are fallible. I don’t like how some people will pick and choose what they want to follow out of it. They should use it as a guidebook, not a rulebook. Use the teachings of doing good deeds, of not throwing the first stone. Of being kind to strangers and helping those in need. That’s what they should take away, not a strict or not-so-strict adherence to rules written in a time when slaves were the norm and women were property to be bartered for.”
“Never thought about it that way.”
“I never did either, until I took a ‘Bible as Literature’ class in college. The discrepancies stood out, the outright contradictions. It was then I solidified my beliefs.” She put her arm around Liam. “I’m not saying to dump all your beliefs, or even change them. I’m just giving you a different perspective. You have to decide what is right for you. Each religion, even mine, has its good points and shortcomings.”
Liam sucked down the rest of his lemonade. “I can’t see any shortcomings with yours.”
“There are. Like the question of evil from before, there’s no consensus. It’s just what I’ve decided to believe. And the threefold rule.”
“Cody told me about it. How can getting threefold of good coming back at you be bad?”
“Because it works the other way as well. If I put bad thoughts or bad deeds out there, bad stuff can come back to me threefold.”
“I don’t see how you can do anything bad.”
“Well, I get angry and anger begets anger. I get angry against people who do bad deeds, like a mother who kills her children. My inclination is to say she deserves the death penalty, but I’m sworn to do no harm.”
“But you wouldn’t be pulling the switch, so to say.”
“No, but I’m putting the bad energy out there by thinking and stating my opinion. It’s like I can feel the negative energy build when I think about situations like that. I have to meditate a lot when news stories such as those are aired, try to diffuse my thoughts. It can be hard work.”
“I would think someone who kills their children doesn’t deserve to live.”
“And you’re not alone, not by a long shot. But doesn’t even your faith say you should forgive the sinner?”
Liam cocked his head. “Yeah.”
“While Wicca doesn’t believe in sin per se, we do believe in forgiveness. To keep up the positive energy so it always outweighs the negative.”
“And how do I deal with messages from my pastor that what I feel is wrong? That I’m damned?”
“You need to forgive your pastor and hope one day he can see the error of his ways. That love is precious, in all its forms.” She turned and gave him a hug. “You aren’t damned. My Cody loves you and so do I.”
Kelly took that moment to come running out of the house and plopped down in Cody’s lap. She shoved a book in Liam’s face. “Story?”
Marissa laughed. “I think you’ve made quite an impression on Kelly as well.” She let Liam go and collected the empty glasses and pitcher. “Guess it’s story time. Once you’re done, you’d probably head home. It’s getting late.”
“Yes, Ma-Marissa. And thank you.” He took the book from Kelly and started to read about a fairy princess and her faithful companion, a dragon named Sue.