LIAM STARED at himself in the mirror. He’d filled out a little over the past few months, his arms and chest much more defined. He ran his fingers through his chest hair and yep, there was definitely more there since the summer. He gently cupped his cock and balls, not enough to stimulate however. He didn’t have time for a quickie before they left for the banquet hall. His hand slid over to the markings on his inner thigh. Some had scarred over, others were fresh. Again, he didn’t dawdle too much as he didn’t want to start something he couldn’t finish.
He and Cody hadn’t had much time to spend together since that day after Thanksgiving; both made a pact to study away from each other to make sure their GPAs didn’t suffer. There would be no college visits if Liam didn’t get good grades for at least a partial scholarship. Liam pulled on his boxers, then pulled his suit out of the closet. It was a little tight; he hadn’t worn it since bulking up a bit. He knew the moment his mother saw him, she’d insist he go get a new one. He absolutely hated clothes shopping. If he could live in t-shirts and jeans, he would.
A few moments later he was dressed and downstairs waiting by the door. His parents came down and they headed off the few blocks to the banquet hall. The ride gave Liam time to think about, who else, Cody.
Cody had been flirting with Hannah constantly, giving a good charade in school. He’d even gone off to the diner without him, to be with Hannah. Cody swore they did nothing but a couple of kisses, mostly closed mouth. He confided in Liam that he could tell she wanted more, but he was able to keep it fairly platonic. Didn’t help Liam’s jealousy, though. Monica had pretty much given up, implying to Liam that she thought Liam was hot for Hannah, for all the times he’d stare at her. Liam didn’t correct her. She was partly right.
He knew Hannah would be at the banquet as it was honoring the cheerleaders too. Even with Cody’s reassurances, it was a constant battle to keep the green-eyed monster in check.
As he entered the banquet hall, he was shocked at how well his teammates cleaned up. Even Jacob, who he’d never seen in anything but sweats. Cody took Liam’s breath away, posing for pictures with his parents and some of his teammates. He was absolutely stunning, his hair tied back, his black suit fitting him to a T. Hannah sidled up next to him, placing her hand on his chest. Cody’s arm went around her waist and the photographer made it a couple’s photo. Liam clenched his fists. That should be him and Cody there, in the couple’s picture.
Coach tapped a water glass. “All right everyone, take your seats. Time to dig in.”
Liam sat next to Jacob, really wanting to sit next to Cody instead, but the players were split up into their respective teams; Cody was on the offense and Liam was on specialty. He looked over to the offensive team table, only to see Hannah hugging Cody from behind, one of her hands slipping under his shirt in between the buttons. Liam ripped the flimsy cloth napkin he had in his hand.
“Dude, you okay?”
Liam turned to Jacob. “What?”
“You just murdered that napkin. You okay?”
Liam looked down at the shreds of napkin in his lap. “Yeah, sorry. Just preoccupied.”
“Well, I’d hate to see you all focused, then.” Jacob followed Liam’s line of sight. “Ah, I see. Hannah.”
Liam nodded. Let Jacob think that way. What he wouldn’t give for his knife right now. He needed to channel his anger in a big way. He tried to take some deep breaths and think positive thoughts, but then Hannah kissed Cody’s cheek before she took her own seat. The only thing that kept him from leaping up was a waiter placing his food in front of him.
The food had absolutely no taste even though the event was being catered by the best restaurant in town. Liam seethed as he forced himself to take bite after bite, trying to look normal. Once they were served dessert, Liam could focus his attention on Coach, who stood up to give a speech.
After thanking all the parents, boosters, alumni, fans, and of course, the team for working so hard, Coach gave out the awards for the season. To no surprise, Cody got the award for most yards received. At least Hannah wasn’t up there with him as Coach presented the award. Liam wondered if he’d be able to snag a copy of the picture of Cody with Coach and the award. It was an awesome achievement for a transfer student.
Awards presented and speeches given, it was time for the dancing and mingling. Liam stood off in the corner, his eyes never wavering from Cody and Hannah as they danced. At first, Liam could deal. Cody was keeping it very cool, keeping distance from her as they danced, almost at arm’s length. But as the night went on, Hannah was making her moves, slowly bridging the distance between them until she was tucked up next to him. The last straw was Hannah, her hand on his chest, her lips on his for long moments as they slow danced, and Cody seemed very into it.
Liam lost all control. He stormed the dance floor and pulled Hannah from Cody. His fist made contact with Cody’s face, nearly knocking him over. The next punch was to his gut, but Liam wasn’t able to get in a third as Cody recovered and landed a blow on Liam’s jaw. Liam tackled Cody, knocking them both onto a table.
“What the hell, Hartley?” Liam could hear Jacob’s voice, but there was no way in hell he was going to stop now. The need for dominance, for claiming what was his, washed over him. He was hard, his balls aching.
Cody threw Liam off and stood up. Liam again tackled him; this time they slammed against the wall. Liam had Cody by the lapels and Liam’s eyes found Cody’s. The world disappeared for a moment as Liam planted one on Cody’s lips. There was resistance at first, but soon Cody opened up to him and the taste of blood and sweat and rubber chicken flooded Liam’s mouth. Cody’s arms went limp, then wrapped around Liam, as Liam’s hold on Cody’s lapels loosened and he cupped Cody’s face.
Liam could have stayed in that position, grinding his groin against Cody’s as they sucked face, if it wasn’t for the deathly quiet that surrounded him. His senses came back online and he let Cody go. He looked around and saw everyone staring, surprise, astonishment on most of their faces. He wiped his lip with the back of his hand. His eyes bored into Cody. “You’re mine.” He turned on his heel and walked out of the hall.
He walked straight home, his heart beating faster with each step. He had no idea what to expect when he got there. Would his parents kick him out? Would they even let him in the door? Would his dad try to hit him? He shook his head, as if to expel all the negative thoughts. He’d just ruined his life. There was no way he could go back to school.
Home was dark when he got there. His parents must’ve stayed behind to clean up. He knew he’d made a mess with his tantrum. And damn, he’d done a number on Cody. He didn’t know how he’d gotten so out of control. He quickly got some ice for his lip and headed upstairs. He locked himself in his room. About thirty minutes later, he heard the front door open and close. He steeled himself to hear his father’s voice for him to come down there. But none came. Some shuffling, cabinets opening, murmuring. He couldn’t make anything out. Footsteps up the stairs made his heart race, but they led to his parents’ bedroom, not his. Now all was quiet.
LIAM STEELED himself for breakfast the next morning. He hadn’t slept at all wondering what his parents were going to do once they were all in the same room. He knew he had to face the music. He shrugged on a t-shirt and pair of sweats and headed downstairs.
His parents were at the kitchen table, drinking coffee. No breakfast was on the stove, no cereal boxes out on the table. He shuffled in and sat down.
“Liam.” Steven’s voice was unemotional.
“Dad, Mom.”
“That was quite a spectacle last night.”
Liam looked off to the side, not able to look at either one of his parents.
“You want to explain yourself?”
Liam took a deep breath. “I’m gay.”
Sarah let out a sob and hid her face with her hands.
“Son—”
“Dad, I’m gay. I like guys. I don’t find girls appealing.”
“That goes against everything we believe in.”
“No, it goes against everything you believe in. I believe in love. I love Cody. He loves me. Love can’t be wrong.”
“Homosexuality is a wrong life choice.” Sarah’s voice cracked as she grasped Liam’s hand.
“It’s not a choice, Mom. I didn’t choose this. Why would I choose something that would make people hate me?”
Sarah blinked a couple of times, letting go of Liam’s hand. She got up. “I say we get some breakfast and talk about this later.” She looked out the window. “Would you mind starting on raking the lawn after we eat? Looks like the maple has given up the last of its leaves.”
Liam gave each of his parents one last glance and got up to get his jacket. Nothing like menial labor to help ignore a problem. At least he wasn’t being kicked out.
The rest of the day everyone overlooked the elephant in the room and talked about the weather, football stats, the need to paint the porch in the spring… anything other than Liam and his coming out.
That evening, after leaving his parents to talk in the den, he stripped down to his boxers and lay down on his bed, wrapping himself up in his comforter. He hoped sleep would come and bring some peace. He was about to drift off when his cell phone buzzed. It was Cody.
You up?
Liam wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk to Cody right now.
Please answer. Skype?
Liam rubbed his hand over his face. Oh what the hell, he thought to himself. He plopped down in his desk chair and booted up his laptop. As soon as Skype opened, Cody was there.
“I wasn’t sure you’d answer.”
Liam winced as he noticed the huge black eye on Cody. “Sorry for the shiner.”
“I deserved it.”
“No, you didn’t. No one deserves to be hit.”
“Well, looks like I did give back.”
Liam rubbed his lip. “I’ll live.”
“You okay? Your parents—”
“Everything is… unnervingly normal. Raked leaves, ate lunch. Oh, and they said I chose the wrong lifestyle.”
“Seriously?”
“I tried to tell them it wasn’t a choice. I don’t think they believed me.” Liam let out an audible breath. “Your parents cool?”
“Well, yeah, since they already knew. But they were concerned about the fight.”
“Yeah, again, sorry about that. I lost it when I saw Hannah maul you.”
“She was a bit over-the-top. She kept hinting that she wanted much more and that night was going to be the night.”
“Damn.”
“Yeah. I thought she was cute and all, but no way was I doing the nasty with her.”
“What the hell we gonna do on Monday?”
“Go to school, study, get good grades.”
“You know what I mean, smartass.” Liam tossed one of his pencils at the screen.
Cody pursed his lips. “Take it moment by moment. Not sure what to expect. I mean, not everyone can hate us, right?”
“You’d be surprised. You know this town by now.”
“Well, we’ll deal with it together.”
“And what happens when you leave next semester?”
“I’m sure it’ll blow over by then. Some new scandal will happen. Isn’t it about time a girl got pregnant or something?”
Liam snorted. “We can only hope.”
“You know, it’s kinda a relief it’s out in the open now.”
“At least we can go out now and not sneak around.” Liam gave a little laugh, then a yawn broke out.
The yawn was contagious. “That’s one positive out of all this. It’s been quite an eventful thirty-six hours or so. See you later?”
“Later.”
“I’m not going to say ‘tonight.’ I’m saying it… I love you.”
Liam’s heart warmed. “I love you too.”
“I think we can say that out loud from now on.”
“It may take me a while before I’m comfortable saying it in front of my parents.”
“I get that. Just know, I love you.”
“Same.”
“Night.”
“Night.” Liam kissed his fingers and held them up to the screen. Cody did the same thing. He closed the program.
ALL EYES seemed to be on Liam at church that Sunday. He could hear whispers behind him as they sat down near the front. The entire town probably knew about his fight and the aftermath by now. His parents hadn’t said a word about it since yesterday at breakfast. He kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for his parents to tell him to get the hell out. They were all just too polite.
He had to be thankful that the pastor didn’t harp on same-sex marriage, or homosexuals, or anything pertaining to the “gay lifestyle.” Perhaps Liam’s public outburst had come too late for him to change his sermon, but Liam knew it wouldn’t be long before the pastor addressed the issue of a homosexual in their midst. He sank down into his pew, thankful most people were too polite to address his “issue” directly in the church.
No one spoke to any of his family as they left the church. The drive home was silent, Liam definitely feeling the cold shoulder. They arrived home, and after everyone had changed out of their Sunday clothes, his mother headed to the kitchen, his father to the living room, and Liam… Liam stood in the middle of the upstairs hallway, not having a clue as to what to do. His decision was made for him when he heard his mother call.
“Liam, can you come to the kitchen please?”
Liam walked down the stairs, not exactly knowing how to feel.
Sarah was pacing in the kitchen when he arrived. “Have a seat, please.”
Liam sat down, placing his hands in his lap.
“Your father and I are very concerned about you.”
Liam didn’t know how to answer that.
“How long have you had these feelings?”
Liam looked up at her. “Toward Cody?”
“No, these feelings toward other boys.”
Liam shrugged. “I knew I didn’t like girls early on. It kinda went beyond the ‘ew, they have cooties’ thing. Like I didn’t see them as someone I’d even want to hold hands with. I kinda noticed the way guys, you know, look and stuff a couple of years ago.”
Sarah stopped pacing and grabbed the back of the chair. “And you can’t feel that way toward girls?”
“No.”
“Can you pretend? Maybe you haven’t tried hard enough.”
Liam stared at his mom. “Don’t you think that’s what I’ve tried to do? Tried to fit in, be what everyone considers ‘normal.’ But I met Cody. He makes me feel good about myself.”
“I’m certain his parents are as bewildered as we are.”
“Actually, they already knew and accepted it.”
Sarah sat down. “Then I don’t think you should see him anymore.”
“What?” Liam’s heart started to race.
“If Cody is the one that led you down this path—”
“Cody didn’t lead me anywhere. I went where my heart led me.”
“I think you need to reexamine your feelings.”
Liam wanted to get up and rant, but he knew that would get him nowhere. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Mom, I know what love is. I know you and Dad love me, even though you’re probably very disappointed in me. I’ve been loved my entire life. I know what it feels like and I love Cody. He loves me. I can’t change the way I feel. This is who I am. Can you and Dad accept that?”
Sarah stood up and pushed her chair in. “We do love you, Liam. As for accepting this part of you—I just don’t know.” She turned to face the stove. “Give us some time, okay?”
Liam stood up. “I’m going to go study.”
“I’ll have lunch ready in about thirty minutes.”
“Thanks.” Liam headed back up the stairs and to his books.
MONDAY CAME way too soon. Liam walked as slowly as he could, but eventually made it to the building. Several people were hanging out just outside the main doors. No one said anything to him, and he heard quite a few whispers.
He found his locker, not making eye contact with anyone. He nearly jumped out of his skin when a hand landed on his shoulder.
“Hey, relax.”
Liam turned around, relieved to see Cody standing there. “Hey.”
“Getting the brush-off like I am?”
“Pretty much.”
“At least there’s no overt hostility.”
“The day’s young.”
Other than stares and whispers, Liam made it through his morning classes. He met up with Cody at lunch and they sat down at their usual table. Unlike before, however, no one joined them or said hello.
“Well, it could be worse.” Cody opened his milk and guzzled it down.
“So being ignored is good?”
“It’s better than not being ignored but being called names.”
“They’re doing that, just not to our faces.”
Cody shrugged. “They’ll get over it.”
“I just hope the next scandal comes along real quick.”
They turned their lunch talk to more lighthearted conversation, talking up next summer’s superhero blockbuster until the bell rang.
Liam made it through that first day and back home without any face-to-face confrontations. It did hurt to be shunned by those he considered “friends” but as long as he had Cody, he’d survive.
It wasn’t until that following Friday that he dared ask about seeing Cody again. His parents couldn’t keep him from talking to Cody at school, but obviously nothing was going to happen there.
He approached the subject at dinner. “I was wondering if I could go over to Cody’s house to watch a movie tomorrow.”
Steven put his fork down. “You really think you should be associating with those types of people?”
Liam furrowed his brow. “What type? Parents who love their children? The one person I happen to love?”
“You don’t have any idea what love is. What you feel is a perversion.”
The words stung. “I know what love is. I told Mom this, I’ll tell you too. I’ve felt love my entire life from both of you. I know what it feels like to love and be loved. What I feel for Cody isn’t a perversion. It’s love, pure and simple love. The type of love God would want me to have.”
Steven abruptly stood up and tossed his napkin on the table. “I’ve lost my appetite.”
“Steven.”
“It’s okay, Sarah. I need… I need to go think.” Steven walked off toward his den.
Liam stared at his food, suddenly not hungry himself.
“Liam?”
Liam turned to his mother. “Yeah?”
“Give him some time. We’re all still dealing with this.”
“Can I see Cody tomorrow?”
“I’m not sure.”
“I do love him, Mom. The kind of love you’ve been wanting me to find.” Liam picked at his food. “Besides, it’s just a movie with him and his family.”
“The entire family?”
“Yes, it’s going to be the entire family. So the movie is probably going to be a Disney princess movie or Pixar animated one.”
Sarah nodded. “Okay, but just for the movie.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Please, finish your dinner.”
Even though he had absolutely no appetite, he finished everything on his plate, just to please his mother. He had no idea if his words were getting through to her, but at least she was willing to listen, unlike his father.
“SO YEAH, I can come over tomorrow.” Liam flicked through his textbook while skyping with Cody.
“Cool.”
“Can’t stay beyond the movie, though.”
“It’s okay. Just being close to you will be enough after this week.”
“Yeah, not having anyone talk to you and not being able to touch you has been a bitch.” Liam shut his textbook.
“You think your parents will come around?”
“Dad, no. Mom, maybe.”
“Don’t give up on them.”
“I’m not. But not sure what I’m going to do after you leave. The monastery is looking like a good option.”
“You’re not Catholic.”
“I could convert.”
“You do know they have absolutely no sex, not even self-pleasuring.”
Liam sighed. “Okay, no monastery.”
“It won’t be long until you go to college. We still have our plans, right?”
“Yeah.”
“We’ll think of something. Maybe you could save up for a car, come visit me. I know I’m going to try to come visit you when I can.”
“And where exactly will you stay?”
Cody’s face fell. “Oh yeah, right. Don’t think your parents will be that accommodating.”
“Unless you’re bringing money for a hotel, and it better be one way out of town.”
“Any way for you to get a car?”
“I’d need a job for that, beyond the little I get for jobs around here.” Liam twiddled a pencil between his fingers. “And no one would hire me anyway, you know, being the town gay.”
“Don’t talk like that. There’s bound to be a few forward-thinking businesses around here.”
“Not going to count on it. Hell, can’t count on anything right now. No football next season, that’s for sure.”
“Why?”
Liam sat straight up and moved in closer to the laptop. “Are you kidding me?”
“You don’t think this whole thing will blow over by summer?”
“Oh hell no. No guy is going to want to be within fifty feet of me if he has to undress.”
“Oh come on, it’s not like you’re going to jump any of them.”
“They think I will.”
“Don’t give up on football yet. They know about me, and yet look at what I accomplished.”
“One, you’re an exceptional player, at least in these parts. And two, you did those things before you were outed.”
“But they are still accomplishments that can’t be erased. Everyone knows now that a gay guy can play football and play it well.”
Liam shook his head. “Not sure if that’s going to be enough.”
“Don’t worry. As I said, I’m sure things will settle down. In fact, I’m sure of it.”
“I wish I had your optimism.”
“I’ve got it in spades.” Cody leaned in closer and shrugged his t-shirt off. “Come on, show off some of those hard-earned muscles.”
Liam smiled. At least he still had his video sessions with Cody. And his knife.
THE MOVIE night was just what Liam needed. Cody’s parents didn’t treat him any different, the usual teasing he was used to, the attention from Kelly—it was like nothing had changed. Liam had to admit, in Cody’s family, nothing really had. He wished he could find that acceptance with his own parents. He could feel his mother coming around, but he doubted he’d ever get that from his father. That was more than evident when he got home.
“Liam?” His father called out from the living room.
“Yeah?” Liam hung his coat up in the closet. He was about to head to the living room when his father approached him.
“You went out?”
“Mom said I could. Watched a movie at Cody’s.”
Steven nodded. “I’m still not sure you should be going over there.”
“Why?”
Steven put his hands in his pockets. “I would prefer you not see him.”
Liam kept his breathing even. “Again, why?”
“I don’t approve of your relationship.”
Liam collapsed on the staircase. “You prefer I don’t see anyone?”
“Of course not.”
“I just can’t see guys.”
Steven cleared his throat. “I guess so.”
“But I don’t like girls.”
“At all?”
“Dad, I have—well, had friends who were girls, but I don’t feel anything romantic around them. One tried to kiss me and I felt repulsed. I can’t describe it to you. I just don’t like girls in a relationship way. I guess it’s the same way you would feel if you tried to think of a guy in a romantic way. It just doesn’t compute. I’m sorry I’m broken.”
Steven sat down next to Liam. “I never meant to imply you were broken in any way. As I stated, I don’t understand this lifestyle. I knew gay people in college, and I didn’t understand it then, and certainly not now with my own son.”
“It’s not something I actively sought out.” Liam looked at his dad. “If I could be normal, I would, I swear.”
Steven gave one short nod. “I guess I’m working on the new normal.” He stood up and headed back to the living room.
“Dad?”
Steven turned back around.
“What about Cody? Are you really telling me I can’t see him?” Liam’s heart was threatening to jump out of his chest.
“His parents seem nice. I-I won’t pretend to like it, and I do feel a bit of betrayal after all these weeks, but perhaps I was a little hasty. I’d prefer if you cut back a little, but I won’t banish him from your life.”
Liam let out a breath. “Thank you. I mean it.”
Steven nodded again and went back to the living room.
Liam wondered if his father was coming around. Piece by piece, talk by talk, his parents might just be understanding who their son was.
SCHOOL WAS winding down to the end, finals were coming up. Liam got used to being ignored and brushed it off, letting the whispers behind his back go unnoticed. It was Friday once again. After no incidents for a second week, Liam let his guard down, wanting to see Cody more than between classes and lunch. He agreed to meet Cody outside the gym to walk home together. He wasn’t expecting to see Cody slammed up against the wall with three guys surrounding him. He ran over to them. “Put him down!”
“Why look, it’s the other town fag.”
Liam recognized the ringleader as Mark, one of the basketball stars. “Call me what you want, but take your paws off him.”
“It’s okay, Liam, we were just having a conversation, right guys?” Cody put his hands up, trying to defuse the situation.
“Right, conversation.” Another guy, Brian, spoke up.
Liam went over and pushed Mark away from Cody. “Hands off.”
Mark raised his hands in mock surrender. “Oooo, he defends his butt fuck. How sweet.”
Liam didn’t even think twice, he drew back and slammed his fist into Mark’s face. Brian and the other member of the gang, Nick, jumped Liam, fists flying. Liam felt one of them being lifted off him as he tried to turn around to fight. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Cody giving as good as he got. A fist slammed into Liam’s lip, breaking open the newly healed wound. He brought his arm up to block the next blow. Fast footsteps could be heard coming closer.
“Break it up!” Coach’s voice came through the ruckus. “I said, break it up!”
Liam felt the remaining body being lifted off him, and he scrambled back and sat up. He wiped the blood from his lip.
Coach stood over him, his hands on his hips. “You okay?”
Liam nodded.
Coach looked over to Cody. “You?”
“Yes, sir, fine.”
“Good. All of you go home, and I’ll forget this happened.” He looked over to Mark and his buddies. “Go!”
The three attackers sauntered off down toward the infield.
“Get that lip looked at Hartley.” Coach walked off back toward his office.
Cody walked over to Liam and extended his hand. Liam took it and was hefted up to his feet. “You sure you’re okay?”
Liam nodded, pulling his gym t-shirt from his now-torn backpack. He pressed it to his lip.
Cody leaned in to look at Liam’s lip. “You might need stitches.”
“Not going there.”
“Your mom isn’t going to be happy about this.”
Liam looked down onto the football field at their attackers. “Fuckers.”
“Language!”
Liam looked back over to Cody and began to laugh. “You should be talking!”
They both broke out laughing.
Cody nodded toward the street. “Let’s get you home and get some ice on that.”
They made it to Liam’s house. Cody stopped at the porch. Liam looked over his shoulder at him.
“Am I, you know, welcome?”
Liam nodded. “You’re welcome. My parents aren’t fire-breathing haters. They’re having a hard time with this, sure, but they don’t hate anyone.” He gestured with his head. “Come on in.”
Liam led the way to the kitchen, sitting his backpack down on the table. Cody grabbed a kitchen towel and some ice. “Here.”
Liam put the ice on his lip. “Thanks.”
“I thought I heard voices in here.” Liam’s mom stepped in from the living room. She stopped short when she saw Cody. “Hello, Cody.”
“Good afternoon, Mrs. Hartley.” Cody stepped aside so she could see Liam.
“Liam! What happened?”
“Fight at school. No big deal.”
Sarah tilted Liam’s head up to look closer at the damage. “It looks like it might need stitches. It’s still bleeding.”
“I’ll be okay, Mom, really.”
“And what were you fighting about?”
Liam ducked his head. “Just a fight.”
Sarah stepped back, her gaze going back and forth between Liam and Cody. “Oh, I see.” She addressed Cody. “Are you hurt?”
“A bruise or two, but nothing else, ma’am.”
Sarah nodded. “Okay, good. I need to get dinner started. Liam, you should get working on your homework. Cody—”
“I need to get home. Just wanted to make sure Liam made it home okay.”
“Thank you, Cody.” Sarah placed her hand on his shoulder. “I appreciate you caring about him.”
Cody gave her a smile. “He’s easy to care about.” He looked around Sarah to Liam. “See you later?”
Liam waved. “Yeah, see you later.”
Cody headed out the front door as Liam grabbed his backpack. “I’m going to take some aspirin and lie down.”
“Dinner’ll be ready in about an hour.”
“I’m not really hungry. I might come down later and get a snack if that’s okay.”
Sarah nodded. “Sure. Let me know if you need anything.”
Liam trudged up the stairs and tossed his pack on the desk, just now noticing items were escaping out of the hole. He shoved everything back in, not worrying about homework at the moment as he took some aspirin, then collapsed into bed.
A FEW hours later, Liam snuck down the stairs, really needing something to drink. He’d been through the wringer, that was for sure, and all the stress and anger had done a number on him. He was parched. He poked his head out of his bedroom, and all seemed quiet. The kitchen night-light was on, and there was no sound coming from the living room. A quick glance to his parents’ room showed it was dark as well. Seemed everyone had indeed turned in early.
He quietly traversed the stairs and rounded the corner to the kitchen, only to be confronted with his mother sitting at the kitchen table, holding a picture and crying. She sniffed and dabbed at her eyes as she looked up.
“Liam.”
“Mom.”
The air grew heavy in the silence. Liam could hear his heartbeat in his ears. His mom studied the picture in her hand. He wondered what it was, maybe a picture of him as a baby? Back when they thought they had a normal son? It wouldn’t do any good to speculate. Someone needed to make the first move.
“I’m sorry for making you cry. I’m sorry I’m a disappointment.”
Sarah didn’t take her eyes of the picture. “You’re not a disappointment.”
“I’m everything you hate.”
She looked up. “Oh, hon, no. I don’t hate you.” She patted the table next to her. “Sit, please.”
Liam grabbed a bottle of water from the counter and sat down next to his mom. He drained half the bottle, ignoring the pain in his lip.
Sarah put her hand over his. “You’re my son and I love you. So does your dad. We’re having a little trouble dealing with your, um, revelation, but that doesn’t negate everything else.”
Liam let out a breath he was holding. “Then why are you crying?”
“I realized I’d been fed a load of bullshit for quite some time.”
Liam almost jumped out of his seat. He’d never, ever heard his mother swear. Not a “hell” or “damn” or even “darn it.”
“Sorry, I’m upset.” She showed the picture to Liam. It was the one Cody had taken of the two of them during their camping trip. “I found it on the stairs. I guess it fell out of your backpack?”
Liam nodded.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you happier. And in love. It’s the love that literally pierced my heart. I didn’t think I could ever see it between two men, but there it is, in stunningly bright colors staring me in the face.”
Liam fingered the edge of the picture, but let his mother keep holding it.
“The church is wrong. Love like this can’t be a sin.”
“You’re changing your convictions based on a picture?”
She turned the picture back to herself, running her index finger over it. “This is a picture of a part of me. You’re a part of me. This is my son, being loved, in love. How can a mother deny that? How can anyone not see it? How dare any church tell me my son is an abomination? If this is an abomination, send me to hell.”
Of all the things Liam expected to hear, this was not it. Nowhere near it. Like not in a billion years it. He felt tears welling up in his eyes, a relief running over him. His mother accepted him, accepted who he loved and had left her own long-held beliefs behind. He twisted in his chair so he could hug her, tears freely running down his face.
They held each other for long minutes, the clock in the kitchen softly ticking away the moments. Liam loosened up to look at his mother. “Thank you.”
“There is no thank-you necessary, sweetie.”
Liam sat back in his chair. “How’s Dad doing? He hasn’t talked to me much in the past couple of weeks.”
“I will admit, he’s still a little shaken. I think between the way it all came out, so public, and the questioning of his own feelings, he’s having a bit more difficulty coming to terms with it. He is a very private person, you know.”
“I know, and I’m truly sorry for that. I lost it at the banquet. I can’t… I can’t imagine my life without Cody. And I want to be with him.”
Sarah tenderly brushed Liam’s swollen lip. “And the fight today? About Cody?”
“Three guys tried to jump him, and I stepped in.” Liam looked down at his hands. “Mom, I-I’ve been trying to push my feelings down, keep them in check. It’s been hard.” Liam rubbed his hands together, gathering up his nerve. He’d come this far, he needed to confess to someone. “I’ve been cutting myself, using the pain to cope.”
“Oh, Liam, no.” Sarah stared to cry again.
“Don’t cry Mom.”
“I’m a failure.”
“No, Mom, you’re not. I-I was just a coward. I couldn’t be with Cody the way I wanted and all the—” Liam hesitated. He was being as open and honest as he could. Everything was pretty much out in the open and really, his mom couldn’t believe he’d not have some sort of sexual outlet. “All the self, um, pleasuring I gave myself wasn’t helping. In fact, it was making me feel more guilty. The cutting gave me a release that wasn’t so overt.”
“Do you need to see a doctor?”
“No, the cuts were shallow, and I made sure I treated them.”
Sarah patted his arm. “I don’t know how to handle this.”
“I think now that everything is well, out, the cutting might go away. I don’t know. I haven’t felt the need to cut for a few days now.” Liam finished the rest of his water. “So now what do we do?”
“First, you’re going to go talk to someone.” She put her hand up as Liam was about to protest. “Someone of your choosing. I want you to be comfortable with them and I want you to be able to discuss anything with them. You need to go into the city for it, I’m good with that. But getting into fights, cutting yourself, those things aren’t healthy.”
“I was defending Cody, you know.”
“I get that, but you did punch him around at the banquet if I do remember.”
Liam sighed. “I’m not normal. I don’t feel normal.”
Sarah tucked a stray piece of hair off his face. “Honey, you are normal. Your acts aren’t. And I don’t mean the act of loving someone, I mean the acts of hitting and cutting.”
“After the past few weeks—I feel kinda relieved everything is out in the open.”
“Nevertheless, I want you to see someone, so if any of those feelings come back, you can confront them head-on.”
Liam ducked his head. “Okay.”
“I need to know that going to school is safe for you. This fight, this is an anomaly, right?”
Liam shook his head. “I honestly don’t know. No one’s really talked to me or Cody much. I’m not sure how all this is going over.”
“You might be surprised. Teenagers these days seem to be more accepting. Your generation is much more open.”
“That may be true on the whole, but remember where we live.” He paused and glanced around the kitchen, taking in every little piece of his life that was evident. The height chart on the doorframe, the plaque of his handprint from kindergarten hanging on the wall, the first place ribbon he’d won in the eighth grade science fair on the refrigerator. His past, his history, surrounding him. “I’ll be off in college in eighteen months.”
Sarah handed the picture back to Liam. “It’s way too soon for my taste.” She smoothed back his hair and smiled. “You’re growing up so fast. You look like a man, but you’ll always be my little boy. I need to know you’re safe. I’ll always worry about you.”
“I know. I never want to make you worry.”
“So, school?”
“I just don’t know, Mom.” Liam looked his mom in the eye. “Can I plant a thought in your head? I want to go with Cody.”
“Go with Cody?”
“Transfer to his school.”
“Liam, you just can’t move in with strangers.”
“They aren’t strangers, they’re Cody’s family.” Liam placed his head on his mother’s shoulder, something he used to do as a child. “I’m not asking for a decision now, just for you and Dad to think about it.”
“I’m not promising any decision right now, but I’ll think about it. We, as a family, should sit down and talk. This isn’t a decision to be made rashly. This might all blow over and you can finish school here.”
“I can only hope it’ll become yesterday’s news and soon. Cody said it’ll go away once there’s another scandal. Seems like there’s always something happening.”
Sarah gave him a smile and a little laugh. “I guess that’s one way to think. Not a fan of scandal, but you’re right, something else will garner the school’s attention eventually. Let’s not worry about transferring or moving right now. Study and get good grades for this semester. Only a couple more weeks to go.”
“Of course.”
“There’s a sandwich for you in the fridge. Eat something, then get some rest. I’m heading to bed.” She kissed him on top of his head and left him to his thoughts.
Liam ran his finger over Cody’s face in the picture. He was certainly surprised at his mother’s reaction. He only wished his father would see that love had no gender. Maybe in time.
He ate his sandwich, then headed back to bed. Everything may not be all right with the world, but at least it was a little better now that he felt his mother was on his side.