You can take three very specific steps that will allow you to write better. First, challenge every word you use and get rid of the clutter. Then, when you have only the words you need, make sure they are the best words you can use to convey your idea. This means using strong verbs. Finally, look at whether you have made clear who is accountable for the action in the sentence. You’ll accomplish this by putting the actor in the right place in the sentence based on your objective. After these three steps, there are some miscellaneous points to address.
Remember: the longer your document, the less likely it is to be read. Keep it short so that people read your ideas and act on them. That’s how you have impact.
What is clutter? Clutter is the stuff that gets in the way. Whether in our living rooms, our family relationships, or our writing, clutter is what keeps us from moving smoothly through life. We all have stuff that’s been sitting on our kitchen counter for years that we only touch to move out of the way when we’re cleaning.
The same is true of our writing. The clutter gets in the way of our ability to have impact.
When you write in a professional context, you write to get something done. You want people to either know something or do something based on your writing. Challenge every word in your document. (Throughout this section, when I refer to “document,” please think broadly. I’m including emails and any other form of professional correspondence.) A word should be in your document only to convey either content or tone.
We’ll spend most of this section on content and address tone later.
Get to the point.
At Exec|Comm, we pride ourselves on minimizing any jargon that we use. I mention this because I am about to introduce some jargon. We create clutter in our writing in two ways: by using “zero words” and “wordy expressions.”
Zero words add no value to a sentence. If you pluck these words out of a sentence, you don’t lose any meaning.
Here’s a simple example. Almost any time someone begins a sentence with, “Currently,” he is about to use a zero word.
Currently, we have 40 staff members.
We have 40 staff members.
These two sentences convey exactly the same idea. “Currently” is unnecessary. It’s a “zero” word. If you are using “currently” to distinguish the change in the firm’s size before the downsizing or the hiring initiative you are about to announce, then the word has relevance. However, most of the time, it’s a zero word.
| Zero Words | Better |
| During the course of. . . . | During. . . . |
| So as to improve. . . . | To improve. . . . |
And the ultimate:
| As previously mentioned. . . | (Delete it all, unless there is a reason to tell me you already told me this, as in, “Yes, Jay, I told you three times already that my sister is coming to visit.”) |
Sometimes we take five or six words to convey what we could say in one or two words. Unlike zero words, with wordy expressions there may not be a particular word that we can delete from the sentence; we’re just taking too long to get to the point.
| Wordy | Better |
| Due to the fact that. . . . | Because. . . . |
| All men and women should. . . . | Everyone should. . . . |
| At the conclusion of this talk. . . . | After this talk. . . . |
You aren’t going to shorten your document tremendously by swapping “After” for “At the conclusion of. . ..” But, if you have zero words and wordy expressions in every sentence, you can shrink the volume of your writing just by getting rid of the stuff that doesn’t add any value. Later we’ll discuss how you can shrink your writing by getting rid of entire sections of your document that aren’t necessary or by avoiding excessive detail. For now, just get rid of the words that don’t add value.
Remember, your goal as a writer is to make it effortless for your reader to understand your ideas. Effortless means the reader should be able to read across the line and down the page without stopping. Any time the reader has to back up and re-read a sentence or refer back to an earlier point in your paragraph or document, the reader is working too hard. Readers don’t like it when you make them work too hard. Make it easy for them by avoiding some basic “confusing constructions.”
Ford and Chrysler have long been competing for a larger share of the car market. The former is a larger and older company.
Now, be honest. When you read “The former,” did you have to go back to the prior sentence and confirm for yourself which car company was the former and which was the later? You just read that sentence, and yet you had to backtrack. It’s human nature. Any time you use “the former” after you introduce two concepts, you are automatically making the reader work harder. Instead, name the idea a second time. It’s easier for your reader.
Pick one. Trust me, you can. We tend to not pick one because it’s easier to use both. I say “easier,” but I mean “lazier.” I didn’t say “lazier” because that’s like correcting people’s grammar. People don’t like you when you call them lazy. But don’t be lazy. Do the work and pick which word you mean rather than leave that job to the reader.
There is an increasing tendency to connect two words using a forward slash. Here’s the problem with that symbol. Written language only works because we all agree on what the symbols mean. We see an “m” at the start of a word and we know if means the “mmm” sound. We see a period and we know it means the end of one thought and the start of another.
What exactly does “/” mean when connecting two words? What are you telling the reader?
Again, you’re making the reader work harder. You do the work and make the sentence clearer.
In general, a sentence should contain one idea. If you stick in a separate idea or give subtext to the main idea in the middle of a sentence, you confuse the reader and make the reader work harder.
The reader has to read the sentence once, jumping in and out of the parentheses, and then re-read the sentence, skipping over the parenthetical to understand the main concept. The parenthetical is a side comment. By putting it in parentheses, you have already determined that it is less important than the main idea.
Now go one step further and determine how best to present that sub-idea. You can:
Here’s an example with parentheticals:
The report for the committee (attached with other ancillary documents) included an analysis of the target company (and some of its wholly owned subsidiaries), which highlighted many attractive features.
Without:
The report for the committee included an analysis of the target company, which highlighted many attractive features. The target’s wholly owned subsidiaries were included in the analysis.
The second version is better because it separately conveys two succinct ideas. In the second version we assume the reader sees the attachments to the email.
To reiterate an earlier idea, using a mid-sentence parenthetical isn’t “wrong.” It’s just less effective.
Side note: None of the comments apply to a mid-sentence parenthetical that introduces an abbreviation to be used throughout a document.
The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) is revamping filing procedures.
Adding “(IRS)” in the middle of the sentence to note the abbreviation is not only fine, but necessary.
“i.e.” is Latin for “that is.” It should be used after a general reference and before you name the specific items discussed.
“e.g.” is Latin for “for example.” Use it when you are giving a more generic reference rather than naming the exact items. (An easy way to remember the difference is “e.g.” means “for eggsample.”)
An easy way to avoid confusing these two terms is to not use them. Tossing Latin into your writing makes you about as popular as correcting people’s grammar or calling people lazy.
Clearly, using the best possible words is what writing is all about. In this section, we’ll focus on the action in each sentence, i.e., the verbs.
Here’s the main concept. Decide what the key action is in the sentence and make that action the verb. This may sound obvious, but all too often our tendency is to make things more complicated by contorting the action in the sentence. For instance, in the sentence you just read, the key action is “complicating,” but the central verb is “is.” You would have been better served as the reader if I had written, “We often complicate our sentences by contorting the verbs.”
Most of the process of picking the right verbs comes during the editing process.
When editing, focus on three activities:
These endings create nouns or adjectives out of perfectly good verbs.
Example 1
He made a statement that he was dropping out of the race. (12 words)
In this sentence, made is the verb and statement is a noun.
He stated that he is quitting the race. (8 words)
Here, stated, the key action in the sentence, rightly becomes the verb.
Example 2
The project is delayed at the insistence of the manager. (11 words)
In this sentence, is delayed is the verb and insistence is a noun.
The manager insisted on delaying the project. (7 words)
Here, insisted, the true action in the sentence, is the verb.
The manager delayed the project. (5 words)
This is even better. You’ve shared the pertinent information—what the manager did. All other information is, in this case, irrelevant.
After I fill up at my local gas station, the automated message on the pump says, “Completion successful.” Really? What, exactly, would an “unsuccessful completion” look like? In fact, if it wasn’t successful, it wouldn’t be a “completion” at all, would it? In this case, using the “-tion” ending results not only in a longer, more awkward phrasing, but a redundancy. “Pumping complete” or “transaction complete” would be a better way to phrase this statement.
Look for any instances of “is,” “are,” “was,” or “were.” The “to be” verb comments on a state of being. There is no action; there is only existence. See whether a better word conveys your intended meaning.
The process for reviewing documents is flawed. It doesn’t meet our needs. (12 words)
Both sentences use weak verbs and more words than are needed.
Our process for reviewing documents fails to meet our needs. (10 words)
You can’t always avoid using the “to be.” Sometimes you will be writing about the inherent nature of something.
Stocks are up.
Because there are many times where the “to be” verb is appropriate, avoid using it when you can.
Other weak verbs also pose an opportunity to improve the sentence. Look for seems, have, make, does, provide, conduct, and results in.
Acme has suffered declining sales since its opening and does not appear likely to renew its contract upon expiration in a year.
Acme’s sales have declined since it opened. It probably won’t renew its contract next year.
The second version is shorter by seven words, easier to read, and uses the verb “declined,” which is the real action in the sentence.
Be careful about starting sentences with This or These. Both words create ambiguity.
Example 1
Management’s decision resulted in a major cost overrun. This is a big problem for the hospital.
This at the start of the sentence can refer to one of three things:
Avoid this ambiguity by adding the noun to which you are referring.
In the example above, what is a big problem for the hospital? Is it management’s decision? The cost overrun? The fact that management’s decision caused a cost overrun? It’s unclear.
Management’s decision resulted in a major cost overrun. This additional cost is a big problem for the hospital.
Example 2
The report failed to factor in one key number. The department didn’t report the error. This led to poor decisions by management.
To what does “this” in the third sentence refer? The report? The missing number? The department’s failure to report the error? All of the above? Adding a noun solves this issue.
This inaccurate number led to poor decisions.
Many business professionals work in an environment in which they must contend with bureaucracy, which means they must follow procedures. As a result, many of us think initially in terms of the steps we need to take, rather than the end result we seek. We talk about the process instead of the goal.
We should schedule time to meet to discuss the issue with the new hire.
The driving verb in this sentence is should schedule. But what do you really want to do?
We need to deal with the new hire. When are you free to meet?
Obviously, there is a balance between being concise and being abrupt.
Meet re: new guy?
This last version is probably too short to convey a full thought and would make the reader pause to re-read it to make sure he or she understood the writer’s point.
We’ve been talking about getting the verb right, focused on the action in the sentence. What about the person or thing doing that action? What’s the actor’s location relative to the verb? The actor can come before the verb, after the verb, or be implied, that is, not appear in the sentence at all. Each position has its merits, but you should be aware of the implication of each.
Pros
Putting the actor “up front” in the sentence, before the verb, creates clear accountability for the action and increases the likelihood you will use a stronger verb.
The Management Committee welcomes Deborah Jones to the partnership.
Both the action and the actor are clear. There is decisive action and accountability.
Cons
When you have to convey bad news or criticism, writing in the active voice, where the actor is before the verb, can come off as too harsh. Because it is a very direct way of communicating, it undermines any diplomacy you may need to build in a delicate conversation.
Let’s say you are writing to your manager about another department’s failure to produce timely reports, which kept you from doing your job. In most corporate cultures, writing “Accounting always sends me the reports late” could be considered unnecessarily harsh and unhelpful for keeping people engaged and moving the process forward. You run the risk that your manager will forward your message to someone else, which could then get back to the people in accounting. Now you have a delicate situation on your hands.
Pros
Putting the actor after the verb creates what is called the “passive voice.” As the name implies, it’s a passive, less assertive way of communicating. It is used to soften the tone. When writing the email mentioned above, at many companies it’s more palatable and considered more appropriate to say, “The reports don’t always arrive from accounting in the time frame we request.”
Cons
The passive voice is often clunky and cumbersome and takes far more words than the active voice.
The report was prepared by Jim so the decision could be made by the committee.
The prior sentence is indirect and uses more words compared to:
Jim prepared the report so the committee could make its decision.
You are usually better off avoiding use of the passive voice.
We use the passive voice when we want to soften ascribing accountability to anyone.
Consider slogans, which need to be short, motivational, and action-oriented.
One inspires action. The other pleads for a nap.
Some sentences do not include actors at all.
No admittance is permitted without authorization.
Who is denying me permission? It’s unclear. I just can’t come in.
The “absent actor” is a helpful tool for simultaneously creating a sense of authority and avoiding a sense of accountability. We all experience the “absent actor” regularly when we deal with bureaucracy.
Your application was denied.
Who denied the application? Not sure, but you’re not getting your loan.
How does this play out in your business writing? Sometimes in ways that are helpful, and, by logical extension, sometimes in ways that are not.
Let’s say you’re writing an audit report or a review of a function for your company. There are usually two key parts of such a document: the “findings” that show what you uncovered in your analysis and the “recommendations” that propose a solution.
The findings section, by necessity, points out where someone didn’t achieve his goal or where a process was inadequate. It’s delivering bad news. You may decide for political or diplomatic reasons to soften the tone and use the passive voice. Using the passive voice allows you to say:
It appears that certain deadlines that were required were not met in as timely a manner as expected.
Awkward? Yes. Cumbersome? Yes. But depending on your organization, this is probably more acceptable than saying:
Susan didn’t do her job.
When you are giving someone a performance review and you want to keep the person motivated, you might be better off saying:
The Smith engagement wasn’t executed as smoothly as I had hoped.
If you write: You botched the Smith engagement, you make Susan more defensive at the very moment when you need her to be more motivated and engaged.
Similarly, when you are writing the recommendations section of a report, you want there to be clear accountability as to who must do what. If Susan, in fact, didn’t do her job, when you write the part of your report that will fix this problem you will use more direct language.
Susan will submit status reports at regular intervals to make sure the project is completed on time.
You will have less impact if you write:
Going forward, status reports will be submitted at regular intervals.
It’s unclear who is responsible for submitting the reports, Susan or her manager.
We’re not suggesting that you never use the passive voice or what we call the “absent actor.” But you are better off if you use them intentionally. If you’re conscious of which sentence structure you use, you’ll have greater command over how people read your message.
I recently received a damaged letter in the mail. When I say damaged, I mean it looked like an angry postal worker bit into one corner of the letter and tore it off with his teeth. A stamp on the back of the envelope read, and I quote: “We are sorry that your letter was damaged during processing.”
Let’s just parse that sentence:
“We are sorry. . . .”
The USPS recognizes that when it screws up, it should apologize. I agree with that sentiment wholeheartedly and kudos to the USPS for apologizing.
But, “. . . that your letter was damaged. . . .?” Assuming that the postal service maintained possession of the letter from the time it was mailed until it was stamped with that message, the only entity that could have damaged it was the postal service itself.
It would have been easier, more accurate, and savvier from a marketing perspective to say: “We’re sorry we damaged your letter. We value your business and continue to improve our service levels. We’re working to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”
Granted this takes more words, but it accomplishes a greater good. As a former practicing attorney, I’m confident the USPS’s legal department would never let it create such a stamp for reasons of accountability. Nevertheless, a more direct statement would have been refreshing to read.
Our Constitution is the best example of legal writing that employs both the active and passive voices to meet different ends. The Preamble is written in the active voice with clear strong verbs.
We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
Our Forefathers wanted to ensure that their reasons for taking the actions they took were as clear as possible.
Most of the rest of the Constitution is written in the passive voice.
All legislative Powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress. . .
So are most statutes. For example:
The members of the state committee of each party shall be elected from such units of representation as the state committee shall by rule provide. New York State Election Law Section 2–102.
An application for a parade permit shall be filed with the Village Police Chief not less than 14 business days nor more than one year before the date on which it is proposed to conduct the parade. Section 128–3. A. Code of the Village of Pleasantville, New York.
The passive voice conveys a sense of greater authority since the action in the sentence is often not attributed to anyone or anything. It is immutable in terms of originating authority. However, the passive voice also allows for interpretation. The drafters of the Constitution knew the content of the Constitution would have to be applied in settings they had no way to anticipate. While scholars and common citizens have debated the content of the Constitution endlessly since it was enacted, we accept the Preamble, written in the active voice, at face value.