Eating in the Light of the Moon

Many women do not recognize the addictive nature of disordered eating until they find themselves in the throes of it, mercilessly driven by a compulsion for thinness and hounded by an appetite for food that seems insatiable. They find themselves unable to silence one inner tyrant that hollers, “I want more, more, more!” while trying to appease another who rejects anything short of the perfect body as not good enough.

Wanting desperately to be free from this addiction, they despise their voracious hunger and loathe their imperfect bodies. Because they misinterpret their hunger as physical, they see food as the enemy and their bodies as traitors in a war against fat. Caught up in the denial that is ever present in all addictions, they fail to recognize the starvation of their spirits. They cannot see the emptiness that is in their hearts. They make a fundamental error in failing to separate what is concrete from what is symbolic and become obsessed with the concrete object, the food itself. They do not see that the addictive object is a representation of something much greater, that it is only a symbol of what they truly desire. They do not understand that the terrible emptiness they feel is a spiritual or emotional emptiness, not a physical one.

The objects of addiction are sometimes interchangeable. Women will often go from one addiction to another. One may be in recovery from an addiction to alcohol or drugs and suddenly find herself immersed in an addiction to eating. Another may replace an addiction to eating with an addiction to exercise or may follow up a food binge with a shopping binge. So long as they do not identify the true hunger, the real longing, women cannot be free from the addictive process and may simply wind up substituting one addiction for another.

Addictions remove us from realities we find intolerable. They provide escape routes away from the conflicts and dilemmas we find unsolvable. When we cannot bear to be in our own skins, in our own bodies, where we experience both the pain and the wonder of being human, our addictions can throw us into a state of unconsciousness. When unconscious, we feel nothing, know nothing of our pains, confusion, struggles. Anyone who has experienced a binge knows the trance-like state it can induce where all other realities fade into the background, at least for as long as the binge lasts. Anyone who has starved herself knows the intoxicating “high” that becomes more and more difficult to resist. Those addicted to running are familiar with the sense of euphoria it can bring.

Women who are addicted to eating or dieting are terrified of their bodies. They withhold love from and try to abandon their bodies because it is in their bodies that their emotions reside. To be in contact with their bodies means to be in contact with their feelings, and this can be messy and painful. Emotions often can’t be readily organized and understood, like thoughts. Unlike behaviors, they cannot be controlled.

All addictive processes represent an effort to keep feelings under control. Even more than that, they represent an effort to keep the flow of life itself under control. The addicted person is unable to let things be, unable to let things take their natural course. There is always some right way, some better way, some more perfect way that things can be.

Addictions keep us from being fully present in the moment with ourselves, our feelings, our friends, our lovers, or with whomever or whatever might have captured our attention. Instead, we find ourselves agonizing over how many calories we ate earlier in the day. Rather than being in contact with life, we withdraw from it, into our obsessive thoughts about bingeing and dieting. By putting our energies into planning that next binge or preparing for that next diet, we remove ourselves from the present, thrust our minds into the future and miss out on the life that could be unfolding before our eyes.

The paradox of all this is that only when we are in the here and now can we really get filled up and be nourished by life. Life takes place only in the present. If you are obsessing about yesterday or planning for tomorrow, you will be unable to take in and receive whatever is in front of you that can be nourishing: a smile from a child, a compliment from a friend, the scent of a rose, a favorite tune, a brilliant sunset. So the hunger continues. And the emptiness grows.

Even though we are talking about addictions, it is important to remember that, unlike such things as alcoholism and drug addiction, disordered eating is a process addiction. The woman with disordered eating is addicted to her eating behavior, and not to food itself.

With substance addictions, like alcoholism, removing the addictive substance (the alcohol) from the person’s life is essential to recovery. Alcohol is what the alcoholic is addicted to; she is not addicted to drinking. Alcohol, unlike food, is not necessary for life. We can live without alcohol. We cannot live without food.

Some people try to treat eating disorders as if they are just like alcoholism and drug addiction. They make efforts to encourage things like “abstinence” and food plans. But this kind of approach often fails because too much emphasis gets placed on food itself and not on the addictive process, the disordered eating behavior. We find the same problem with dieting for weight loss. With restrictive diets, calorie counting, herbal supplements, and food plans, too much emphasis is placed on food, as if food were the problem.

To recover from disordered eating, we must be willing to go beyond the food itself to discover the presence of the real hunger that underlies the urge to eat compulsively. With disordered eating behavior, our true needs and innermost desires are hidden behind urges that only symbolize those real needs and desires. When we are engaged in addictive eating, that is the time to look for what the real hunger is because that is the moment in which it gets presented to us in its symbolic form. By simply eliminating certain foods or striving to restrict our behavior, we deprive ourselves of opportunities to learn of the true meanings behind those symbols.

Someone who is addicted to eating is actually starving on an emotional and spiritual level. Her longing for food is a longing for emotional and spiritual nourishment. It is often a longing for the ideal mother, the archetypal Good Mother who nourishes us, soothes us, and loves and accepts us just the way we are. Frequently, this is the “something” she searches for as she stands in front of the fridge. This is what she is really in pursuit of when she sets out for the grocery store. No matter how much ice cream she eats, how many cookies she consumes or muffins she devours, she cannot fulfill this longing because she is filling her stomach, not her heart, not her spirit.

For a woman to recover from disordered eating, she must recognize that she is starving. She needs to understand that the food she requires is not material food. She must be able to name her hunger and recognize its symbolic nature in order to nourish herself.

This old Bantu folktale is about a great hunger a long, long time ago in Africa. A drought had left the land dry and fallow and no food could easily be found for the animals.

One day, all the animals, except the lion, decided to leave the jungle to scour the landscape in search of something to eat. The lion, who was king of the jungle, chose to remain behind and rule over his kingdom. And so, the elephant, the giraffe, the rabbit, the tortoise, the monkey, the zebra, and the gazelle set out together to scour the landscape for food to eat. They crossed the great river, and walked and walked across the flat land for many days, not knowing where their journey would take them.

After some time, as they approached the edge of the plain, the animals began to make out the figure of what appeared to be a tall tree, the only one that stood for miles around And as their journey drew them closer to this tree they saw that it was laden with the most luscious fruit they had ever seen! Fruit as red as pomegranates, as orange as mangoes, as yellow as bananas, as purple as plums, and as fragrant as all the fruits of the world.

But, for all its beauty and promise, the tree left the animals crying in frustration and despair. For it was so tall and its branches so high off the ground that even the neck of the giant giraffe was not long enough to reach even the bottom-most fruit. And the trunk of the tree was so smooth that even the agile monkey could not climb it.

The famished animals collapsed on the ground beneath the tree. “What are we going to do?” they lamented. An old tortoise spoke: “My great great grandmother once told me about a tree such as this one, with beautiful and delicious fruit. But only those who knew the name of the tree could reach the fruit. ”

It was decided that the gazelle, who was the fastest runner of all, should go. The gazelle, proud of his swiftness, raced to the jungle and to the place near the river that the lion king called home. “What do you want?” questioned the lion when the gazelle arrived

“Great king,” said the gazelle, “all the animals are so very hungry. We have been searching for days for something to eat. We have finally found the most beautiful tree, filled with wondrous, colorful fruit. But until we find the name of the tree, the fruit will remain out of our reach, and all the animals will continue to starve.”

The lion thought quietly for a moment and then said, “I will tell you what you need to know. I do not wish to see the animals of my kingdom suffer any more. But I will only tell you once, for I do not wish to repeat myself or to tell anyone else this special name. You must listen carefully and remember. The name of the tree is Ungalli.”

“Ungalli,” said the gazelle. He thanked the lion and ran through the jungle and then back across the flat land thinking about how clever the other animals were to send an animal as swift as he and how happy and grateful they would be when he returned with the name of the tree. Lost in his thoughts, he did not see the rabbit hole that was near to where the animals lay waiting. He stepped in the hole and flipped head over hoof through the air until he landed with a thud at the foot of the tree.

It was decided that the elephant should go since it was well-known that she did not forget anything. And so the elephant strode off across the flat, empty plain, feeling quite proud of her excellent memory. When the elephant arrived at the place near the river where the lion king lived, the lion growled, “What do you want?”

“I know, I know,” said the lion impatiently. “I will tell you the name of the tree with the wonderful fruit, but don’t you forget because I absolutely will not tell anyone else. The name of the tree is Ungalli.”

“I will not forget,” said the elephant with arrogance, “I never forget anything.”She made her way out of the jungle and across the plain thinking to herself, “How could I forget! I can remember the names of all the trees in this jungle.”And she began to name them. Quite impressed with her memory, she began naming all the trees in Africa and then began to recall the names of all the trees in the world. Lost in her thoughts, she carelessly stepped in the same hole in the ground that had spoiled the gazelle’s journey just the day before. But, unlike the gazelle, the elephant’s foot was so big and fit so tightly into the hole that she could not easily get it out.

The elephant pulled and tugged but her foot wouldn’t budge. Those animals who where not too weak from hunger ran toward the elephant shouting, “What is the name of the tree?”

Angrily, she pulled and tugged at her foot again and again until at last she was able to free it from the hole. “What is the name of the tree?” the animals shouted again.

The animals were too tired and too hungry to complain. Some began to cry. They didn’t know what to do. Then, a very young tortoise said, “I will go and find the name of the tree.”

“You are too young, too small, and too slow,” replied the animals. “Yes,” said the very young tortoise, “but my great-great-great-grandmother, the one who knew about the tree, taught me how to remember.”

Without waiting for the animals to respond, the little tortoise headed out slowly across the great plain. Step by step she made her way to the place near the river in the jungle where the lion king lived.

The king was not at all pleased to see the tortoise and roared, “If you have come for the name of the tree, forget it! I’ve told it twice before. And I warned the gazelle and the elephant that I would not tell anyone else the name of the tree is Ungalli so I will not tell you.”

The young tortoise politely thanked the lion for his time. As she walked out of the jungle she repeated to herself over and over, “Ungalli, Ungalli, the name of the tree is Ungalli.” She crossed the great plain, saying over and over, “Ungalli, Ungalli, the name of the tree is Ungalli. Ungalli, Ungalli, the name of the tree is Ungalli.” Even when feeling tired and thirsty, the young tortoise never stopped saying, “Ungalli, the name of the tree is Ungalli,” because great-great-great-grandmother had said this is what one should do to remember. Falling to the bottom of the same rabbit hole that had tripped the gazelle and trapped the elephant, the young tortoise just climbed out saying, “Ungalli, Ungalli, the name of the tree is Ungalli.”

None of the animals noticed as the young tortoise approached them. They were lying under the tree preoccupied with their great misfortune when she walked straight up to them and announced in a loud voice, “Ungalli, the name of the tree is Ungalli!”.

The startled animals looked up. They saw the branches of the tree bend down so low that they could reach the wonderful fruit that was as red as pomegranates, as yellow as bananas, as orange as mangoes, as purple as plums, and as fragrant as all the fruits of the world.

The animals ate until their bellies were full. With great joy and merriment, they lifted the very young tortoise high up in the air. They paraded around and around the tree singing and chanting, over and over, “Ungalli, Ungalli, the name of the tree is Ungalli,” because they did not want to forget. And they never did.

Like the animals in the story, the woman who seeks to end her inner famine needs to find the name of her hunger, for it is only by naming her hunger that she can be fed. The tree in the story is a magical, mythical tree. It has fruit no one has ever seen, fruit that embodies the colors and scents of all fruits. So it is with the tree of life that can provide nourishment to the woman who is emotionally and spiritually famished. The nourishment she seeks comes from no food she has ever seen, for it is Nourishment with a capital N.

To learn the name of her hunger, she must journey back into the past from where she came, cross the great empty plains of her life, travel deep into the jungle of her mind, find the place near her river of feelings where her inner authority rules, and ask, “What is the name of my hunger?”

But it is not enough to simply learn the name of one’s hunger. In order to be fed, a woman must remember the name of her hunger. She must keep it in the forefront of her mind, moment to moment, as she makes her way toward recovery from disordered eating. She must remember what it is she is truly hungry for every time she slips or stumbles into addictive patterns and reaches for a food that cannot feed her real hunger, every time she falls into the addictive trap of using food to soothe her aching heart or broken spirit. She must remind herself, “This is not what I really want. What I really want is love. What I crave is attention and acceptance. What I long for is creative expression. What I yearn for is a spiritual connection.”

When a woman is steadfast in reminding herself over and over of what it is she is hungry for, when she patiently puts one foot in front of the other, keeping her awareness of her hunger in her consciousness, she will not forget. And because she does not forget, she will be able to receive the true Nourishment that life has to offer.

My experience tells me that, unlike addictions to substances, someone can fully recover from an eating disorder. An alcoholic places her entire sobriety at risk if she has one alcoholic drink, even if she has been in recovery for years. This is not necessarily the case with someone with an eating disorder. Once recovered, she can go through the rest of her life without having to struggle with food, fat, or dieting. Once she recognizes that her urge to eat when she’s not physically hungry is a signal of a different hunger she needs to address, she can begin to discover ways of feeding herself the nourishment she truly desires.