Eating in the Light of the Moon

There was once a young knight who had committed the most horrible crime a man could commit against a woman. For this crime he was arrested and brought before the king for sentencing. The king said, “This crime is so terrible that I think it is only fair to let the woman you have wronged decide your sentence.” He called the woman forth and asked her what the young man’s punishment should be. She said, “He should be given a riddle to solve, and if he does not solve this riddle within one year’s time, he should be put to death.”

Well, the young knight walked out through the courtyard pleased to have been let off so easily, with only a silly question to answer. He hadn’t gotten very far when he saw a beautiful young woman coming his way. With a big smile on his face, he approached her and said, “Excuse me, Miss, can you please tell me what is it that a woman desires most?”

The young man thanked her and began to head on his way when he spotted a middle-aged woman walking down the road with a babe in arms and four small children tugging on her skirts. He walked up to her and said, “Excuse me, Ma’am, would you mind telling me what is it that a woman desires most?”

He thanked her, but as he continued on his way, he grew concerned. “I’ve asked three different women the answer to this riddle,” he thought, “and I’ve gotten three different answers. This might not be as easy as I’d first thought.” So he went and got a book with blank pages and wrote the answers down.

The young man then proceeded to travel through many villages, towns, and into the countryside, offering the riddle to each woman he encountered and writing down her response in his book. The days turned into weeks, the weeks turned into months, and the months turned into ... well, it was not quite a year when the young man found himself sitting on a curb with his head in his hands.

“In one more day, an entire year will have passed,” he sobbed in despair. “I have asked thousands of women this question and have received thousands of different answers. I am no closer to solving the riddle than I was when I first heard it. Tomorrow I will be a dead man!”

He looked up and there, in front of him, stood the ugliest creature he had ever seen! Her head was too big for her body. Her eyes were too big for her head. She had a long, pointy nose, thin lips, and teeth like splinters. Her hair hung down to her shoulders like rat tails, and she had skin like the belly of a dead fish.

The young man was taken aback by this woman’s request, but thought, “What does it matter? Without the answer to this riddle, I am a dead man. Better I live with this ugly shrew than lose my life.” So he agreed to marry her and, in that moment, waited for her response.

This time the young knight nearly flew through the courtyard, filled with relief and a sense of newfound freedom. But, true to his word, he returned to the place where he had met the ugly woman, intent on keeping his side of their bargain. As he had promised, they went to be married, and after their wedding, they journeyed to a small inn where they’d planned to spend their first night together. Upon arriving at the inn, the ugly woman went upstairs to the bridal suite, while the young man went immediately into the tavern.

Hours passed, and eventually the tavern keeper told the young man that he must leave, as he was closing for the night. And so, very slowly, the young man grudgingly climbed the narrow staircase to the room where he knew his bride was waiting.

The young knight sat on the very edge of the bed and, ever so slowly, first removed one boot, then the other. He took off his trousers and shirt, and then, completely naked, he slid between the bedsheets. He lay next to her, stiff as a board, with his arms pressed tight against his sides and his face riveted straight ahead.

And so, scrunching up his face, he pursed his lips, closed his eyes tightly, and kissed her. But, as he kissed her, his lips brushed against her cheek, and he was startled because it did not feel like the belly of a dead fish. He opened his eyes and was amazed to be face to face with the most beautiful woman he had ever seen!

“I am your wife,” she said. “I was under a spell and when you agreed to marry me and kissed me, you broke the spell. Well,” she clarified, “you have broken part of the spell. Now it needs to be decided if I am to be beautiful by day and ugly by night or beautiful by night and ugly by day.”

“Thats not good, either,” said the young man as he shook his head, contemplating this new puzzle. After thinking for a moment, he said, “You know, it doesn’t seem quite right for me to make this decision. After all, it is you that will have to live with the consequences.”

“Ah,” said the now beautiful woman, “you have just broken the second half of the spell. For what a woman desires most is sovereignty, the right to create her own path through life. And, since it is my choice, I choose to be beautiful by day and beautiful by night!”

For a woman to create her own path through life she needs to be able to make her own choices, to say yes to what she wants and no to what she doesn’t want. Without such freedom to choose, she can become quite “ugly” toward others: sullen and resentful over being taken advantage of, or full of rage and accusatory when she gives to others more than she receives in return.

Achieving this kind of sovereignty is essential to the well-being of all women but it is especially important to the woman struggling with food, fat, and dieting. This woman is cast under a spell of helplessness and hopelessness, a spell that must be broken. In order to be freed from this spell she needs to learn how to assert her inherent rights to choose what she desires and to reject what is not right for her.

Assertiveness is an essential tool for achieving sovereignty in one’s life. In becoming assertive, a woman finds a way to express who she is and what she wants. She learns how to communicate without being passive and neglectful of her needs or being aggressive and insensitive to the needs of others.

When a woman communicates passively, she says yes to things when she wants to say no, and no to things when she wants to say yes. She acts as though things are okay when they are not. Because of this, the path she takes through life is not her own, and she cannot receive the gifts that come through living her own destiny. Her choices are guided not by what she feels and wants for herself but by the needs and desires of others. Her spirit becomes impoverished and her sense of her authentic self, who she really is, gets weakened. Lacking a connection with this deeper self, she is in touch with only her outer shell, the most superficial aspect of who she is. She does not know her true self and does not show it to the outside world. Instead, she becomes overly focused on her appearance, on how she looks to others. She strives to appear “nice,” sweet, accommodating, and pleasant at all times at the expense of her sense of self: her self-esteem, her self-direction, and her self-confidence.

Not wanting to risk displeasing others, she is quick to respond with comments such as “Oh, it’s no big deal,” “It really doesn’t matter,” “I don’t care,” “You decide.” Eventually she begins to believe that how she thinks and feels really doesn’t matter, that who she is really doesn’t matter. Not only does she convince herself that this is so, she manages to convince those around her that her thoughts and feelings have no value. When she diminishes her self-worth in this way, others are quick to follow suit. And when others begin to disregard her needs and treat her poorly, her tolerance of their mistreatment encourages this behavior to continue. Finding herself on a path through life that drains, rather than nourishes her, she turns to food for relief, for sustenance, or solace. Eating becomes a vain attempt to feed her depleted self-esteem. Believing that she doesn’t deserve nourishment because she has failed to please those around her, she may deprive herself of food or reprimand herself for eating when she truly is hungry. And her life becomes emptier than ever.

On the other hand, the woman who is aggressive, rather than passive, and fervently defends her sovereignty by attacking others, may get some of the things she wants in life, but she is constantly having to confront the fallout of her accusatory words and harsh actions. In an attempt to express her true feelings, she lashes out at others, only to end up feeling misunderstood and alone. Her journey through life becomes a trail of broken relationships. She feels the sting of the rejection her “ugliness” brings.

Unable to comprehend any other way of taking care of herself, she believes she has only two choices: ugly by day or ugly by night. She knows how to get what she wants and needs but doesn’t know how to do it without disregarding the needs and feelings of others. In the end, unable to find the nourishment that close relationships might bring her, she turns to food for comfort and companionship.

Many women find themselves swinging like pendulums between passivity and aggressiveness. They are passive, passive, passive until they can no longer contain their feelings, and then suddenly they swing over and become aggressive, hurling insults and accusatory remarks at whoever angers or threatens them. Then guilt sets in and the cycle starts all over again.

Some of these women find themselves using food to stuff down their angry feelings. Others may find themselves bingeing and purging in an attempt to alternately shove down their feelings and then gain relief by unleashing the built-up tension that comes with holding back feelings.

If a woman wants to obtain true sovereignty, she must learn to protect her rights in a way that honors the rights of others. She must learn to be assertive: to stand up for herself, to express her feelings, and to state what she wants without blaming, without threats and accusations. She must treat her own thoughts and feelings with respect while respecting the thoughts and feelings of others. That is the only way she is going to be able to feel good about herself and have the kinds of relationships she desires.

To get a picture of how this is done, imagine that a friend borrowed a book from you. You told her at the time that she was free to read the book as long as she returned it the following Friday because you needed it for a report you were working on. However, for one reason or another, she failed to return the book. You were able to complete your report but not without some difficulty.

One week later you run into her at the supermarket and she suddenly remembers the book you had loaned her. She apologizes for not returning it on time. If you were to respond passively, you might say something like “Oh, it’s okay. It’s no big deal,” when the truth is that you felt inconvenienced by her behavior and even somewhat resentful.

Although your intent in not expressing your true feelings might have been to avoid upsetting your friend, tension builds up within you and between the two of you because you are feeling anger that you don’t want her to know about. She may sense the tension but not know why you seem cool or distant. And the next time she borrows something the same thing might happen again, because you have already given her the impression that these things don’t matter to you. After a few more incidents like this, the tension might build up to the point where you decide to pull away from the relationship, and not even tell her why.

If you were, instead, to respond to this situation aggressively, you might react to your friend with accusations such as “I can’t believe you did that! How can you be so inconsiderate? Didn’t I tell you I needed that book back by Friday? Thanks a lot!”

Although in this scenario you are expressing your feelings about being inconvenienced, you are doing it in a way that is hurtful. You are calling her names (“inconsiderate”), and using an accusatory tone that implies something is wrong with her. As a result, your friend will feel attacked and to protect herself may decide to pull away from you, maybe even terminate the relationship altogether.

An assertive approach to this situation would be very different from either of those scenarios. It would include expressing your feelings but doing it in a way that involved neither attacking nor blaming. For example, after your friend’s apology, you might say something like “Well, it was frustrating not having that book for my report. The next time you borrow something, please return it on time.”

Although you have let her know that what she did was not okay with you, you didn’t attack who she is as a person. She may feel bad about her behavior, but not because you put her down. Since you expressed your feelings honestly, your resentment toward her can pass. Rather than creating distance or tension between the two of you, you have expressed your desire for the relationship to continue, implying that you expect to loan her things in the future. She is not left having to second-guess your feelings, to figure out where she stands in the relationship. And you are not left with guilt, loneliness, or the tension of feelings left unexpressed.

In my experience working with women struggling with disordered eating, I’ve not seen anyone recover without first learning to be assertive. It is probably the most important skill needed because it is the means by which we embrace and express the essence of who we really are without being destructive to others. It is how we ensure that we are on the right path, the path of the heart, that leads us to people and places that are nourishing and fulfilling and steers us away from those that are not.

Like any other skill, however, it takes practice and a willingness to go through a certain clumsy phase before achieving mastery. This is not unlike the experience of learning to ride a bicycle as a child. Remember how overwhelming it was to try to pedal, to keep your balance, to steady the handle bars, and to watch where you were going all at the same time? This is the kind of awkwardness you might expect as you learn to be assertive. Eventually, though, with a little practice, this way of communicating can begin to feel as effortless and natural as riding a bicycle.

There are three assertiveness techniques I recommend learning. The first is a basic formula for expressing yourself. Because it can sometimes be difficult to think clearly in the “heat of the moment,” the simplicity of this formula can be really helpful. You have to remember only five words:

Describe the behavior as specifically and as objectively as possible, being careful not to make any assumptions about the other person’s intent, such as “When you put me down like that . . .” or “When you act like you know what’s best for me ....”

Try to narrow it down to one or two feelings so you can remain focused. It is important that you take responsibility for your feelings and not say, “You make me feel . . . ,” because the other person will feel that you are blaming or attacking them. Rather than listening to what you are saying, they will be busy preparing a defense or counterattack and the doors to communication will close.

It’s important to understand that it is not necessary to be assertive in the moment that the behavior occurs. In fact, while you are learning to be assertive, more often than not you won’t be able to think on your feet. That’s fine. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with using the formula in the past tense:

Often people struggling with disordered eating dream of a magical solution or some instant resolution. While this rarely occurs, these five words (when you ... I feel ... because) can truly be magical when used with consistency. While you are learning to be assertive, you may find it helpful to write them on a card that you can carry with you or keep next to your telephone.

When you first begin to use the formula, you might want to explain to others with whom you have important relationships why you are letting them know how their behavior is affecting your feelings so they don’t interpret this change in your behavior as simply your “picking” on them. For example, you might say something like “The reason I want to talk to you about this is that I know I have a tendency to pull away when something upsets me. Our relationship means so much to me, though, that I don’t want to jeopardize it by withdrawing.” Or: “When I don’t let you know you’re doing something that’s not okay with me, I become so resentful and grouchy it hurts our relationship. I don’t want to keep doing something that is so hurtful.”

The second assertiveness technique I recommend learning is one that builds on the first. Sometimes when a woman uses “the formula” and asserts her feelings, others respond aggressively, by attacking her or by blaming her for creating conflict. This technique for responding to aggressive behavior is called “deflection” because it helps to turn away verbal attacks, accusations, and put-downs. It is a way of sidestepping destructive arguments over who’s right and who’s wrong, which usually lead nowhere.

When someone tells you “You’re just too sensitive,” or “It’s stupid to feel that way,” or, simply, “You’re wrong,” it’s important that you not act as though you have to defend yourself. Instead, sidestep the accusation with a comment like

When you use this technique, you will be amazed at how easily you can stay focused on how you feel, what you want and don’t want. You will feel the strength that comes from within (the power of dominion) when you honor your feelings as well as those of others. You are asserting that you can have a difference in perspective without having to end the relationship or abandon your thoughts and feelings.

The third technique is one that follows deflection and is called the “broken record” because it involves repeating yourself over and over when you are communicating your feelings and the other person responds with an attack. For example, let’s say you told your husband that when he said, “Are you sure you want to eat that?” you felt angry because it gave you the impression he thought he knew better than you what you should and shouldn’t eat. He responded by saying, “Well, you’re obviously not doing too good a job handling your food.”

Instead of getting sidetracked with the issue of how well you are handling your disordered eating, your first response could be to “deflect” by saying, “That may be so,” and then to restate your feelings, “But I want you to know that when you tell me what I should or shouldn’t eat, I feel angry.”

If he says something like “Gee, aren’t we being a little touchy?” you “deflect” by saying, “Maybe,” and then, “But I want you to know when you tell me what I should or shouldn’t eat, I feel angry.” He might say, “I think you are really overreacting,” and you can respond once again with, “It may seem that way to you, but I want you to know that when you tell me what to eat or not to eat, I get angry.”

If he stays with the argument and says, “Well, if you could get it together better, I wouldn’t have to say anything,” you can continue with the broken record, “It’s important to me that you know that when you tell me what to eat or not to eat, I feel angry.” Notice that you are not telling him what he should or should not be doing, not attacking him, but simply letting him know how his behavior affects you.

When you are using the broken record, you remain focused on your feelings and keep yourself from getting distracted by other issues and accusations. Perhaps not in that moment, but eventually, the other person will stop mudslinging and maybe even hear what you have to say. In any case, you are still taking care of yourself by identifying and expressing your feelings.

One of the first reactions I get when someone is learning to be assertive is “It won’t work,” “She won’t listen to me,” “He won’t stop what he is doing.” It is important to know that if your goal for being assertive is to get the other person to change, to be different, chances are you’re going to be very frustrated. If, however, your goal for being assertive is to feel better about yourself, then your odds for success increase.

Assertiveness is probably the most important skill a woman must learn to begin to break free from disordered eating. Once she recognizes that she is eating or not eating in response to emotional stress rather than physical hunger, she is faced with the task of responding to that stress in another way. The reason diets don’t work is that they focus on removing the disordered eating behavior without replacing it with another way to address the feelings and the underlying issues that trigger the behavior in the first place.

As a woman becomes assertive, she develops a new, much more effective way of dealing with the stresses life can bring. She discovers that assertiveness can have a profound effect on her relationship with food and eating. By learning to ask for what she wants, she learns to identify, seek out, and feed her emotional hungers in appropriate ways so that she becomes less likely to turn to food for nourishment.

As she learns to say no to what she doesn’t want, she defines her personal boundaries. By saying to others, “My needs are different, not more or less important than yours,” she establishes where she begins and ends and where others begin and end. This allows her to feel secure in her ability to set limits and therefore more comfortable with intimacy. She no longer needs to fear losing herself or being swallowed up in her relationships. And the more closeness she allows herself, the less she feels compelled to soothe her loneliness with food.

When a woman becomes assertive, she develops the skills she needs to deal with disagreements in her relationships and no longer needs to do whatever she is doing with food to avoid conflict. She is able to sidestep the blaming, accusatory behavior that interferes with the discussion of the real issues and the resolution of the conflicts. She discovers there is room to agree to disagree.

When she expresses her thoughts and feelings openly and directly, her self-esteem and self-confidence increase because she is affirming that her thoughts and feelings matter, that who she is matters. Her tendency to starve herself or overeat whenever she feels bad about herself decreases as her sense of self-worth increases.

Speaking her truth becomes a way of life. She no longer has to use food to fend off the nagging anxiety that comes with acting one way when feeling another or to fill the pit in her stomach she gets from saying yes when she wanted to say no.

Many women who struggle with disordered eating believe that when they are thinner, they will magically solve the riddle of their unhappiness. They cling to this belief even when they look at old pictures of themselves at the weight they would like to be at now and remember how unhappy (and fat) they felt then. They don’t yet understand that happiness is a state of mind (not body). It is not a goal they can set the way they establish their ideal weight. It is a byproduct of being in their own truth, choosing their own path through life. When these women grow more assertive, they become happier, and as they become happier they no longer need to use food to numb out tension and misery. Their bodies then become free to find the weights that are right for them.

When a woman becomes increasingly skilled at being assertive, she finds herself feeling more and more in control of her life. She realizes that although she may not be able to control her feelings, she can control how she expresses them. She no longer has to worry about losing control and wreaking havoc in others’ lives. Free from the incredible pressure that comes from trying to do the impossible (control her feelings), she no longer needs to be obsessed with controlling her weight or food intake in order to give herself the illusion of being in control.

An assertive woman is one who honors the most feminine aspects of her being. She is able to create a vessel strong enough to contain the power of her feminine spirit, her deepest truths and her strongest emotions, and can use her masculine energy to take it out into the world. She is able to address and communicate that which is invisible, those matters of the heart that we are so often moved by but find so hard to describe and validate. She is at home in this invisible world. no longer haunted by a deep-seated belief that something is wrong with her because she feels things so strongly, because she is so responsive to things that cannot be validated by her five senses. When she is able to describe the behavior that triggers her feelings, she can open the gateway to understanding and accepting her feelings, to truly understanding and accepting her feminine nature.

An assertive woman can have an impact on our patriarchal society’s concept of power and control, which polarizes the possible positions one can take when dealing with power: aggressive or passive, bully or victim, winner or loser. She refuses to be restricted by an either ... or construct (either I am right or you are) and suggests, instead, the possibility of a yes ... and construct (yes, you feel that way and I feel this way). She moves beyond the domination dynamics of power-over-others and embraces the beauty of dominion, the power-from-within. She demonstrates how it is possible to hold one’s power and stand side by side with another, without one diminishing the power of the other.