THE BOOK OF SURRENDER
Converting to Catakism
I. Cat-a-littic Conversion
To convert to Catakism is to dedicate one’s life to serving Cat. The precise moment in time when one accepts that one’s life is no longer one’s own but now belongs to a purring, foot-high being covered in calico fur is known as a Cat-a-littic Conversion. It is the doorway through which lowly humans step in order to become practicing Catakists. A Cat-a-littic Conversion can be the culmination of a slow, gradual process or can occur in a single, blazing, spontaneous moment in time when one awakens with a purring kitten on one’s chest and realizes the need to call in sick to work because moving that kitty is out of the question.
A Cat-a-littic Conversion is often surprising to the human who undergoes it. There may even be some resistance on the part of the convert. That’s because many humans, particularly those with a penis, feel a certain amount of shame in admitting they have become rabid cat people. There is a popular belief that loving cats means you’re not rugged. Worse, it means you may be a social misfit who values feline company over humans. Getting a cat is seen as a slippery slope to becoming a crazy cat lady. There is a prevalent idea that cat people are weird and eccentric.
All of these things are absolutely true, of course. But having a Cat-a-littic Conversion means saying, “Bring on the ridicule! I can’t even hear it anymore. I love cats! In fact, I adore, idolize, and serve them.”
Surrender Is Essential
For many, there is an ego struggle involved in accepting cats into their lives and their households. After all, humans like to believe they are the alpha hounds in every pack, so many two-leggeds begin their relationship with cats in a competitive posture. They get into a power struggle with the cat. They make vain pronouncements such as: “The cat is not in charge here,” “This is our house, not the cat’s,” and “We need a new car more than the cat needs massage therapy.”
Silly human.
Of course the cat is in charge.
Converting to Catakism means coming to a place of acceptance not only that one can’t live without one’s cat, but also that the cat is in charge and is going to dominate one’s life from this point forward. Becoming a true Catakist means not only accepting this reality, but also embracing it.
Surrender is the word here.
II. Some Common Conversion Scenarios
Everyone surrenders to Catakism in his or her unique way, but there are some classic scenarios that occur repeatedly:
“Hey DICK, I live here now” (Cat spontaneously moves into human house). Many humans believe themselves to be dyed-in-the-wool DICKS—cat-haters, even—when they are, in fact, simply “cat naïve.” They don’t yet know the Power of the Pussycat. Until one day, when that cat shows up on their back porch and announces, in its own unique way, “I live here now. Deal with it.” Sometimes this kitty “guest” is a total sweetie pie, who quickly wins the DICK over by sheer force of its cuteness. Other times it is a feral freakazoid who lurks in the shadows for months, slowly warming up to the human—and vice versa—as the human continues to feed it out of a sense of grim responsibility.
Either way, the cat is here to stay, and the human is doomed to fall in love. Some of the most dedicated Catakists in the world are converted DICKs who were “adopted” by a cat who showed up at their home and doggedly cattedly changed their life.
“Can you watch my apartment when I’m away? Oh, by the way, I have a cat.” Many humans become converts after being coerced into cat-sitting. They are asked to just feed the cat when a friend goes away. They take to this task with disdain, and the cat, at first, treats them the same way. Then one day, while enjoying an episode of House of Cards on the friend’s Netflix-enabled TV, the cat climbs onto the person’s lap and gives it the soft eyes. When the homeowner returns, the cat must be pried from the new devotee’s arms with a crowbar. The Cat-a-Littic Conversion has begun
“I’ve done my research, and a cat is the most logical pet choice.” Some approach pet ownership with the cold logic of shopping for a washing machine. They do their due diligence, make their pros and cons lists, and conclude that a cat is the most appropriate pet for themselves and/or their children in keeping with their current lifestyle. They take on cat stewardship with unemotional detachment. Then, somewhere along the line, a subtle change starts to happen. They start hearing words like “smooshums” and “cuddly-boo” slipping out of their mouths, and before long they are buying tiny Santa hats and maniacally hitting the refresh button on their browser, waiting for the latest crop of kitten videos and memes to appear.
III. Levels of Belief
In any religious faith, believers come in varying degrees of intensity, from the casual Sunday churchgoer (who starts swearing at the other drivers in the church parking lot the moment the “love thy neighbor” sermon is over) to the raving fanatic who wears thumbtacks in his shoes as penance for the sin of being alive. Catakism is no different. Though all Catakists have a love of kitties that goes beyond what might be objectively considered sane and healthy, there is still a great range of commitment within the faith (as well as many believers who ought to be committed).
The hierarchy of belief in Catakism goes something like this:
DICK (Doesn’t Idolize Cats and Kittens)—A DICK, of course, is not really a Catakist at all. But many DICKs, again, are simply cat-naïve people who have not yet gone through their Cat-a-littic Conversion. Many DICKs have a negative attitude toward kitties because of a misperception of cats as aloof or because of a bad experience they may have had with a cat as a child. Perhaps they were dragging a cat around by the tail and the kitty registered its objection by unleashing its claws. Perhaps their parents never exposed them to the Power of the Pussycat. Since there is no real legitimate reason to hate cats (ask any Catakist), all DICKs, by definition, have the potential to convert to Catakism.
Closet Catakist—There is often a period of time for DICKs in transition in which one slowly grows to love a cat but is reluctant to admit it to others. Suddenly one stops finding humor in “dead cat” jokes and starts finding oneself stroking a cat’s cheeks when no one is looking. Thoughts like, “Cats are awful, but this one isn’t so bad,” begin to creep into his head. Then one day he finds himself sneaking downstairs at two in the morning to watch a Too Cute! Kittens marathon on Animal Planet, and he has to admit that he has a problem.
Kitten Smitten—Kittens are the gateway drug to cat addiction. Many humans are drawn into Catakism through an obsession with kittens. In fact, it is scientifically impossible for a human not to fall in love with kittens. The only way to preserve DICKhood is by ignoring kittens and pretending not to see them. Denial. For those who do pay attention to kittens—at pet stores, in videos, on TV shows—an obsession inevitably develops. Eventually, the human’s defenses break down, and a kitten is brought into the home. The kitten then grows into a cat, and the human grows into the cat’s eternal servant.
Cat Person—At some point in the life of a developing Catakist, she puts her flag down firmly and publicly on the cat person side of the divide. This is a liberating coming-out-of-the-claws-et moment for many. Finally, this feline-crazed person can proudly don the “Hairy Pawter” T-shirt and start sending videos of her sleeping cat to everyone on her contacts list. Once one declares oneself a cat person, one has stepped onto the slippery slope to becoming a true cat addict, or cattict. It’s only a matter of time.
Cattict—A cattict is a step beyond a mere cat person. The cattict has a bona fide addiction to kitties and cannot be away from them for more than a few hours without breaking into cold sweats. It is at the cattict stage where believers begin to make major lifestyle changes, such as quitting their jobs and canceling their gym memberships so they can spend more time at home with Mister Whiskers. This is also the stage at which many humans contract Feline Numerical Dysfunction and begin, deliberately or unconsciously, misreporting the number of cats they have. A cattict admits to loving cats but is in denial about the severity of his or her obsession. He or she may need to attend a Catticts Anonymous (CA) meeting.
The Nine Steps of Catticts Anonymous
1. Admit that one is powerless over one’s love of cats—and that one’s life has become gloriously unmanageable because of this.
2. Come to believe that a power greater than oneself (i.e., Cat) is both responsible for one’s addiction and also the key to one’s sanity.
3. Make a decision to turn one’s life over to Cat, as one understands Him (Persian, Siamese, American Shorthair, Devon Rex, et catera).
4. Make a searching and fearless inventory of the cupboards and cabinets in which one stores one’s cat goodies. And then:
5. Admit to Cat the exact nature of one’s shortcomings (not enough Friskies Buffet, not enough cat toys, not enough Feline Greenies™ Smartbites hair ball control tuna-flavored cat treats).
6. Humbly ask Cat to allow you to rectify said defects of inventory by breaking out the debit card, renting a small truck, and making a trip to Petco.
7. Make a list of all kitties one has laughed at, woken up from a nap, made loud noises in front of, or tried to move from one’s lap and become willing to make amends to them all.
8. Make direct amends to such kitties whenever possible by letting them drink the tuna water out of the can, holding them up to the ceiling so they can catch the moth, and/or warming up the seat cushion so they can take it over the second you get up.
9. Seek, through constant chatting with one’s cat(s) in the Feline Falsetto Frequency, to improve one’s conscious contact with Cat as one understands Her (Maine Coon, Russian Blue, Japanese Bobtail, et catera).
Alas, Catticts Anonymous has not gained much traction—not because there aren’t millions of catticts (there are), but because no one shows up at the meetings. Catticts would rather stay home with their kitties.
Avowed Catakist—Though many cat devotees practice Catakism without even knowing it, there is a point at which one becomes an avowed Catakist and takes his or her spiritual practice to a whole new level. Once a human admits that they not only love cats, but are wildly obsessed with them, the dam of sanity collapses. This human now has no qualms about wearing her cat pajamas out in public, painting the front of her house to resemble a giant cat face, or making What’s New Pussycat her phone’s ringtone. And frankly, some qualms would be nice.
Crazy Cat Lady—Sooner or later, if a Catakist practices the faith long enough and seriously enough, she (or he) will become a crazy cat lady. Fear of becoming a crazy cat lady is actually the chief inhibiting force in Catakism. Without this healthy fear, most Catakists would become cat crazy decades sooner than they do. By the time devotees actually reach the crazy cat lady stage, they no longer care what friends, family, or boards of health think about them; their attitude is simply “bring on the cats.”
Please note, becoming a crazy cat lady is not restricted by gender.
Ninefold Path Guidepost #3
Whether you are male or female, if you have three or more cats, you are a crazy cat lady. Admit it.
If you have only two cats right now, it’s not too late to get help; go to the next Catticts Anonymous meeting in your area.
When a human has three or more cats, concepts like “valuable furniture” go out the window. Crazy cat ladies exhibit truly certifiable behavior, such as hosting tea parties for cats, firing buckshot at animal officers, and rewriting their wills to leave everything to the cats. And that’s just their public behavior. Imagine what goes on in private.
Wait, on second thought, don’t.
Cat Show Person—Every faith has its true extremists, and Catakism is no exception. That is the cat show person. This individual manages to hang onto a thin veneer of sanity, but in truth her obsession with cats, cat culture, cat breeding, cat equipment, cat humor, cat lore, cat healthcare, and cat networking runs even deeper than the crazy cat lady. She lives with no less than nine cats, but justifies this with the self-appointed title of “cat breeder” and referring to all kitties as “show cats.”
Cat show people are the true religious fanatics of Catakism. They spend every weekend packing up their Igloo coolers and driving to venues like the Fairfax Grange Hall in Bakersfield and the Bubba’s Pork Rinds Expo Center—their minivans bursting with the yowling of cats and the joyous odor of litter boxes—so they can stand beside other cat show people and, well, be at cat shows.
What is the purpose of cat shows?
No one outside the cat show world really knows. But die-hard Catakists organize their entire lives around them.
IV. Cathedrals of Catakism—Cat Shows
No study of Catakism would be complete without a peek at what goes on at cat shows.
While it’s true that the private homes of cat lovers are the everyday “temples of Catakism,” believers sometimes feel a need to gather together in a designated public place to celebrate their faith. Thus, the cat show was invented.
Here are several events of religious significance that take place at cat shows:
The judgment of souls—Almost every faith includes an element of moral judgment, and Catakism has its version—except that in Catakism, humans are judged vicariously through their cats.
A major component of every cat show is the ribbon competition. Participants submit their show cats to be judged by a cat show judge. This individual is the high cleric of Catakism, wielding immense power. She pokes and prods at each kitty, stretching it out like saltwater taffy, rubbing its fur, testing its reflexes, and examining its mouth and other assorted orifices. Then she announces a Best of Breed and a Best in Show.
The human participants await the judge’s pronouncement as if it represented the eternal fate of their own souls. Winning a blue ribbon is seen as a tribute to their cat care skills and their dedication to Cat. Failure to receive even a yellow ribbon brings on harsh self-judgment and calls for penance; for example, seven days and seven nights with no cat videos.
Proselytizing—The cat show is the venue by which the serious Catakist attempts to recruit new members to the faith. She does this by promoting her chosen cat breed and selling purebred kittens to novices … provided they make it through the interview process and pass the background check she requires of potential buyers.
Cat shows are also the venue at which hardcore believers attempt to convert casual believers into raving fanatics. They do this by sharing obscure knowledge of weird feline urinary disorders, raving about the new IPaw9 that’s about to be released, gossiping about the “bad” breeders in the business, and serving as a model of achievement—if you try hard enough, perhaps someday you, too, can spend every other weekend eating Lunchables off a folding table in a trade show hall while getting peppered with litter from the neighboring exhibitor’s cat!
Acquisition of religious artifacts—Believers also come to cat shows to acquire rare objects of purr-aphernalia not available through retailers. Every cat show has a vendors’ corner where one can obtain hard-to-find items, such as litter box odor alarms, membership in the Cat Consommé of the Month Club, Hello Kitty lingerie for humans, and cable-ready cat condos. This is also where one can network with kitty service providers, such as cat masseurs, cat astrologers, cat dieticians, cat casting agents, and cat portrait painters. Every Catakist takes a vow of poverty, and every cat show aims to help believers maintain those vows.
V. The Cat Mitzvah
Eventually, when one’s faith and practice become strong enough, one will want to formalize one’s conversion to Catakism by means of a cat mitzvah.
The time leading up to one’s cat mitzvah is marked by intensive study and community service. Study can include watching extra cat videos and reading extra cat blogs, or doing scholarly research projects, such as “From Felix to Stimpy: The Changing Psychosocial Role of Cats in Animated Cinema.”
Community service might entail changing the litter boxes at the local cat shelter or serving a gourmet canned meal of Herbed Duck Confit and Sweet Potatoes with Organic Botanicals to the local homeless kitty population (they won’t be homeless for long; they’ll soon be living at your home).
The cat mitzvah ceremony begins with a reading from the Purr-ah (the whole body of cat literature) and the formal acceptance of the Ninefold Path, and concludes with a rollicking celebration that may include:
the ceremonial burning of the book 101 Uses for a Dead Cat
the ritual tasting of the cat food—come on, you’ve always wanted to
the formal donning of the cat slippers (and informal aban-donment of a normal social life)
VI. Considerations in Converting to Catakism
Taking on Catakism as one’s faith is not necessarily an easy thing. After all, to be a Catakist means to devote roughly 97 percent of your waking moments to cuddling your kitty, taking photos of your kitty, talking to your kitty in the Feline Falsetto Frequency, videoing your kitty, posting videos of your kitty online, making Christmas cards of your kitty (this process starts around July and continues through December), hand-feeding your kitty, putting Scottish tams on your kitty, shopping for your kitty, grooming your kitty, and creating purr-formance art for your kitty. Something’s got to go. And that something is all vestiges of a day job and healthy human relationships.
Many practical issues must be taken into consideration when making such a sweeping change in one’s life.
Declaring one’s faith—After one’s cat-a-littic conversion, it is only fair to one’s fellow humans that one come out of the claws-et and openly declare one’s faith. This is especially true if one is in a committed relationship with a fellow human or plans to be in the near future. “Oh, by the way, I worship cats” is not something you should spring on a partner only weeks before the wedding, any more than, “You do know I’m a polygamist, right?” Catakism requires massive lifestyle adjustments—e.g., converting one’s home into a giant cat cave, adjusting one’s lung capacity to be able to breathe air with excessively high amounts of ammonia, and learning to live in monastic silence so as not to wake any sleeping cats—that many normal adults, DICKs or otherwise, might not be willing to make.
Intermarriage—It is strongly recommended that believers marry within the Catakism faith. Just as it would be difficult for a porn star and an Amish minister to enjoy a committed romantic relationship, it is hard for a mentally healthy and balanced individual to live with a Catakist.
Some possible intermarriage scenarios that can occur:
Catakist marries DICK. It is possible, under certain conditions, for a Catakist to live with a DICK. Those conditions are:
1. The DICK is extremely tolerant of cats. Extremely.
2. The DICK is willing to defer to the Catakist in all lifestyle decisions.
3. The DICK never complains about litter footprints on the dinner plates, the stench of uneaten Friskies® Seafood Medley in the air, or the inability to have marital relations due to the fact that the cat is watching and judging.
4. An ironclad prenup agreeing to the above stipulations is signed.
5. The DICK never, ever, ever makes the mistake of asking, “Who do you love more, me or the cats?” For if he does, the entire façade of the marriage will come crumbling down, and he will find himself dining on Long John Silver’s takeout while getting his mail at the local Motel 6.
Catakist marries cat-hater. A cat-hater doesn’t even get a second date with a Catakist, never mind a marriage proposal, so the only way this scenario could possibly occur is through an arranged marriage or an online-matchmaking situation in which the would-be spouse lies on his/her profile or fails to notice the “must love cats” warning at the top. This union will be cancelled faster than a sitcom called TJ and the Talking Toaster.
Catakist marries Dogtologist. The union of a Catakist and a Dogtologist can be a complicated one, since each thinks his or her animal reigns supreme. Two CEOs (Canine Executive Officer/Cat Executive Officer) in a household does not work. Something’s gotta give. Namely, the dog person and his/her dog must be willing to allow the cat to be the alpha of the household. This state naturally occurs in most cases anyway, as most dogs melt into quivering terror in the presence of a self-confident cat (i.e., any cat). A dog that docilely accepts second fiddle status (whether he really means it or not) can be tolerated by a Catakist. The dog can even become a cat person’s ally if he allows himself to be featured in adorable cat-sleeping-with-dog videos.
Catakist marries extreme Catakist. It can be a shock when a garden-variety Catakist realizes he has married someone who takes this thing way more seriously than he does. For someone at the kitten smitten stage to find himself paired with a crazy cat lady or cat show person, for example, is a test of faith that may be too daunting for the fledgling devotee. Or it might be just the spur he needs to move his faith to a higher level. One thing is for sure: the crazy cat lady is not going to say, “No problem, I’ll get less crazy.” The onus is on the moderate believer to either become more psy-catic or take his jingle balls and leave.
Catakist marries Catakist of a different sect. There are numerous sects within Catakism, just as there are within Judaism or Christianity. It can be difficult for, say, a member of the “Cat Is a Noble Savage Who Must Be Free to Roam the Forest at Night and Hunt and Procreate as He Sees Fit” sect to have a successful partnership with a member of the “Tinkerbell Must Sleep on a 1,000-Thread Count Silk Pillowcase or She Develops a Skin Rash and Needs to See Her Dermatologist” sect. There is a high divorce rate among such unions, as well as the potential for prolonged custody battles.
Which brings up another topic …
VII. An Important Ecumenical Issue Within Catakism
Though Catakism unites believers under a common banner, there is one key issue within the faith that tends to divide believers into camps.
Indoor vs. Outdoor: The Great Debate. Few topics can stir controversy amongst the faithful more than the question, “Should cats be allowed outdoors or kept indoors?” Those who believe in outdoor cats are holdovers from the ancient times (i.e., 70 years ago), when cats slept in barns and hunted for moles and sparrows. The indoor cat contingent represents the more progressive trend within Catakism. These are the Catakists who ardently believe that if kitties are allowed to stray more than two feet from a human home, they will encounter dogs, trucks, germs, other felines in heat, raccoons, tempting tree branches, neighbors with better cat food, and assorted other challenges that will harm them or lure them away from home. So they convince themselves that it is absolutely necessary that cats remain indoors 24/7, where humans can serve and cater to them day and night. To these people, the idea that cats should be allowed to roam outdoors is pure hair-esy.
VIII. Join the Meowvment!
In the end, though, the things that unite Catakists are far more numerous than the things that divide us. Those things are called Simba, Smokey, Boots, Smudge, Princess, Max, Grizabella, Jinx, and Mister Mistoffelees. It is our idiotic delight in all things feline that overrides any differences in how we express that delight.
Why do we humans feel such a compulsion to put cats on pedestals and give them our devotion, our service, and our high-pitched voices?
Well …
Why do we like garlic in our spaghetti sauce?
Why do we make a sound called “laughter” when we think something is funny?
Why do we fake yawn whenever there’s an awkward silence in a conversation?
There is no answer to these eternal questions.
And there is no answer to the question of why when it comes to our obsession with kitties. Kitty obsession is just a given of human nature. It is bigger than us, and it has been so ever since humans and kitties first decided to hang out together tens of thousands of years ago. Kitty love is encoded in our DNA. Rather than analyze it, dissect it, and question it, perhaps all we need to do is surrender to it.
Catakism is the celebration of that surrender.
People think cat lovers are crazy, yet their numbers are growing. Catakism is sweeping the globe. Is everyone getting crazier, or is sanity simply being redefined? Has it now become normal to have cat acupuncturists on retainer and electronic cat ID-checkers on our pet doors (yes, they do exist)?
Whatever your opinion, it’s time to join the Catakism movement! Millions already have. It’s not complicated. Just honor the Ninefold Path, accept the fact that the cat is your master/guru, and dedicate your entire life to providing comfort and luxury for her.
Give up your antiquated notions that humans rule the planet. Give up your tired idea that your home belongs to you. Embrace the fact that you now play a servant role to an infinitely superior being.
Go ahead, line up at the local Freshpet® fresh pet foods cooler case and celebrate the fact that from now on Puffball will eat better than your two-legged family members.
Go ahead, sign up for kitty Reiki courses at the local yoga center so that you can perform daily energy healings on Twinkles.
Go ahead, spend your entire tax refund on liposuction for Princess so she won’t be saddled with negative body-image issues.
That’s only the beginning of what you will be doing in service to the Divine Feline.
What you’ll get in return is the company of a glorious, furry being who loves you, depends on you (though she won’t admit it), watches Animal Planet with you, and warms your lap like a living, breathing heating pad every night—and, yes, judges you for the awkward way you laugh.
