THE BOOK OF THE MOUSE

The mysterious connection between cats and computers

I. Cat and Mouse

Cats and mice are the classic predator and prey. Throughout history, it was the small, furry—and apparently delicious—mammal that captivated Cat’s attention, but nowadays cats have also developed a mystical connection to the electronic mouse that sits on our desks.

Cats and computers have joined forces in a mysterious way that no one could have predicted thirty years ago. There’s nothing inherently feline about a metal box containing a motherboard, CPU, and graphics card, yet wherever computers are found, we also find cat obsession. The Internet and social media, in fact, have become the primary place of worship for Catakists the world over, with thousands of websites devoted to kitties and endless tidal waves of cat videos and memes clogging up the cyber highways. Yes, computers, tablets, and smartphones have become the new vehicle for sharing the essential catechism of Catakism.

The computer phenomenon cuts both ways. Cats are fascinated by computers, and computer users are fascinated by cats. This connection between computer users and cats has never been scientifically explored—until now. But one thing is for sure: the more a human uses a computer to make a living or fill spare time, the more likely that human is to have an emotional attachment to cats.

Whereas dog owners tend to be active, outdoorsy types who drive Jeeps, hang out at the beach, and play Frisbee, cat owners tend to write software, knit, and download cooking apps. Of course, this isn’t a hard-and-fast rule—Catakists come in all sizes and preferences—but in general, the more chair-bound and computer-centric a human’s lifestyle, the more likely kitties play a major role in his or her life.

Turns out, there is an underlying historical reason for this … read on.

II. In the Beginning: a Small Rodent

In order to understand how computers and cats became connected, one must go way back to the very origins of Man’s relationship with Cat.

It all began with the mouse, the small rodent with the pointed snout, large ears, and a tendency to reproduce faster than fruit flies. Cats first caught the eye of Man when felines started staking out grain houses and devouring the mice that devoured the grains. This was a win/win arrangement for humans and cats—for mice, not so much. But the most important thing to note about this symbiotic relationship is the type of human with whom cats formed their early partnership. The humans who had large stores of nuts, grains, and berries were, of course, gatherers.

Whereas dogs have always been closely aligned with the hunter strain of Man, cats have always been closely aligned with the gatherer strain.

III. Behold the Mighty Gatherer

The term hunter-gatherer is often hyphenated, as if hunting and gathering were closely related activities, but nothing could be further from the truth. Hunters and gatherers have always been very different types of creatures and have developed into two distinct lineages throughout human history.

Hunters were aggressive and athletic. They loved the thrill of the chase and the excitement of the kill. And because refrigeration was not a gleam in mankind’s eye until the eighteenth century, meat could be stored and had to be eaten fresh. That meant hunters had to hunt every day, which kept them active and in great shape.

When hunters ate the flesh of their prey, they also ingested its adrenaline, making them even more aggressive and warlike. Hunters evolved into the active and assertive personalities of today—soldiers, hockey players, currency traders. Hunters have always had a close relationship with dogs, who love to run, hunt, wrestle, eat red meat, and fight alongside their human partners.

Gatherers had a slightly different orientation. They sought the thrill of the well-dropped piece of fruit, the excitement of the slowly ripening berry, the suspense of the nicely yeasted bread dough (would it rise to make a perfect loaf, or sink?). Their nuts and grains could be stored for weeks, even months or years, so if they didn’t go out and gather today, well, there was always tomorrow.

Gatherers learned how to kick back and stay warm during the long winter months when there was nothing to gather. Gatherers evolved into farmers, who evolved into landowners, who evolved into scholars, who evolved into scientists and engineers, who evolved into software developers and computer junkies.

Note the pronounced lack of running, jumping, and climbing required.

Gatherers have always had a close relationship with cats, who love to nap, watch stuff happen outside the window, and stay in the house, where it’s nice and dry.

The Hunter-Gatherer Test

Hunters and gatherers still exist today, but in modern form. Looking at the following two lists and see if you can guess which list represents the hunter strain and which represents the gatherer strain in today’s world.

LIST A	LIST B
State policeman	Video game designer
NASCAR driver	Book editor
Fireman	Theoretical physicist
NFL linebacker	Hairstylist
Homicide detective	Video game tester
Drill sergeant	Call center support person
Helicopter pilot	English professor
EMT	Playwright
Bounty hunter	Video game reviewer
Sharpshooter	Flautist
Biker	Webmaster
Cowboy	Pastry chef
UFC fighter	Video gamer

Which list would be more likely to host cats in their homes? Sorry, no hints.

The Cat-Gatherer Connection

Until a few decades ago, hunters were the dominant strain of human on Earth, and therefore dogs were the most prominent pets. However, since the dawn of the Internet, when humans were no longer required to vacate their chairs in order to earn a living, gatherers have become the dominant strain. Could this be why cats are now more popular than dogs worldwide? The geekier we get as a culture, the more cats we invite into our lives.

IV. The Internet as Cat Park

Dog owners (i.e., the hunters of today) like to meet and hang with other dogs and dog owners. They do this in places called dog parks.

But, alas, there are no cat parks. Why not? After all, isn’t the most elevated being on Earth worthy of its own gathering place? Well, not only would a cat park require kitties to do things like play nicely with others and stay where you put them, but it would also require cat people to do things like be outdoors.

So, no. No cat parks.

And because cat parks don’t exist (except in Jackson Galaxy’s fever dreams), cat people are forced to share their cat obsession online. The Internet has become the dog park for cat owners. It is the modern gathering place for talking about cats, looking at cats, reading about cats, awwwing about cats, bragging about cats, et catera.

V. What Happens in the Cat Park Doesn’t Stay in the Cat Park

The idea that the Internet is planet Earth’s cat park is not just an amusing observation. It’s a fact. According to Google, people search the term “cats” more than thirty million times a month. There was a recent exhibit at New York’s Museum of the Moving Image called, “How Cats Took Over the Internet,” and there’s a popular book on Amazon that tells you how to make your cat an Internet celebrity. The Internet, once synonymous with porn, has now become synonymous with kitties (oh stop it, the feline kind!). In fact, the Internet has become so saturated with cats that it now spills over into our daily lives, even off the computer.

In recent years, cat lovers have been observed singing the “hit” Internet song “The Internet Is Made of Cats” around the office, wearing Grumpy Cat T-shirts, drinking from Lil Bub coffee mugs, reading I Can Has Cheezburger? books, and attending the world’s first CatCon in Los Angeles, where more than ten thousand visitors paid tribute to Internet-famous cats in 2016.

Internet cat love transcends national borders and even offers a new model of how humanity can get along peacefully. Whereas virtually every other online topic invites commentary like, “Nice idea, moron,” cat lovers by the hundreds of millions communicate respectfully and supportively with one another online.

So what actually goes on in this magical, peace-loving global cat park that is the Internet? As if you didn’t know!

VI. The Watching and the Sharing of Cat Videos

There was a time when baseball was considered America’s favorite pastime. Obviously, this was before computers. Now, watching cat videos has become America’s—nay, the world’s—favorite pastime.

Cat YouTube videos offer clear proof of the Cat-a-gorical Imperative, which calls for the simultaneous regarding of cats as dignified and worship-worthy, cute and cuddly, and ridiculously funny. To a Catakist, there is no contradiction amongst these three mandates. And cat YouTube videos cover all three bases.

1.   Dignified and worship-worthy. These videos capture cats doing things like outsmarting dogs, maintaining their dignity in absurd situations, and “disciplining” humans and other creatures with swatting paws and stern expressions. Others show cats eating, drinking, and pooping in dignified and proper ways. Catakists like to be reminded that cats are above all other beings.

2.   Cute and cuddly. Catakists love to revel in the infinite cuteness of cats, so there are millions of Internet videos of cats cuddling with puppies, playing with ducklings, sleeping in cute ways, and staring at you with gigantic eyes. If you listen carefully about thirty seconds after the posting of a new kitty video on YouTube, you’ll hear a collective “awww” rising up across the globe.

3.   Ridiculously funny. Most of all, Catakists like to laugh themselves sick over cats. On the surface, this seems like odd behavior for humans who spend their lives placing cats on pedestals. On closer examination, though, it’s a way of making the superior being seem more accessible to the masses, of bringing the great and powerful down to human level. And nothing accomplishes this more so than cats …

   trying to cram themselves into tiny boxes

   with objects stuck on their heads

   dressed in ridiculous costumes

   sleeping in goofy positions

   falling off high things

   being surprised by animals and gadgets

   interacting comically with mirrors

   sliding on slippery surfaces

   trying to figure out toilet paper rolls (obviously, over is preferred to under for optimal ease in unwinding)

If not for the guilty pleasure of watching cats being humiliated, Catakists might feel oppressed and subjugated by cats, and Catakism might feel like a burden. A daily dose of laughing at cats allows the human to preserve the illusion that humans are equal, and even superior (ha!), to cats and keeps the practice of Catakism light and enjoyable.

VII. The Paying of Tribute to Famous Cats

Before the invention of the Internet, it was not really possible for any individual kitty to become famous outside her local circle of admirers. But all that has changed, and every so often a special kitty will rise up from the ranks of the merely adored to become an object of true mass worship, attracting millions of followers. Internet-famous cats now garner more international recognition than world leaders, TV stars, and Kardashian body parts. Because of this new phenomenon, Catakists, in addition to worshipping their own kitties every day, must take time out of their busy lives to pay tribute to their favorite Internet cat(s).

What remarkable feats and talents have these famous cats exhibited in order to win the devotion of millions of worldwide admirers?

Cat	Talent/Claim to Fame	Career Success
Grumpy Cat	Misshapen muzzle makes her appear permanently displeased	TV appearances, Lifetime movie deal, Gund plush toy, bestselling books
Maru	Places self in containers too tight for body	Over 300 million video viewings, book, DVD
Lil BUB	Has tongue that is exposed at all times	Online merchandising empire including toys, calendars, cups, magnets, and bobbleheads
Hamilton the Hipster Cat	Muzzle resembles a white mustache	Instagram sensation, TV appearances
Colonel Meow (deceased, sniff)	Possessed long hair and perpetually “angry” expression.	350,000 Facebook followers, Guiness Book of World Records entry
Street Cat Bob	Hung out with a homeless guy	New York Times bestselling book, major movie deal
Nala	Has crossed eyes and short legs	2.5 million Facebook followers, merchandising empire

After studying the amazing accomplishments of these world-famous felines, it’s easy to see why they have achieved the global recognition they have. Still, there is hope for kitties with less prodigious talents to also make their mark on the world stage, thanks to the global cat park known as the Internet.

Just make sure kitty has a good agent.

VIII. Cat Blogs: And Now, a Reading from Scripture

Every Catakist has a list of cat-themed blogs that are required daily online reading. In Catakism, these can be thought of as sacred readings, a way for believers to reaffirm their faith, learn new things about cats, and discover new ways to obsess over felines on a daily basis.

Cat blogs dispense wisdom, information, and advice on useful and practical topics such as:

   How to Keep Cats Calm During Fireworks

   Taking Better Cat Selfies

   Rating the Top Five Automated Mouse Toys

   Why Cats Love Cardboard Boxes

   Best Mobile Apps for Checking the Safety of Cat Food

   The Cat Food Wars: Dry vs. Wet

   Why Cats Like to Watch Us Pee

And, of course, there are the endless blogs written in the “voice” of cats, describing the world from a feline point of view. These blogs allow humans to imagine that they are really considering the world from a cat’s perspective, when, in fact, they are considering things from the perspective of a human imagining what a cat wants to say. When a cat really has something she needs to tell you, she’ll vomit on your pillow and make sure you know.

IX. The Sharing of Cat Stories

The Internet is also the number one outlet for sharing cat stories. Cat stories are most effective when they begin with a tragic circumstance and end with a heartwarming resolution, leaving not a dry eye on the Web. Thus, most cat stories fall into one of the following cat-a-gories:

   Cat becomes reunited with former owner after long separation, changing everyone’s lives for the better.

   Human at low point in life adopts rescue cat, changing everyone’s lives for the better.

   Cat with missing limbs or other physical challenges learns to live fully, changing everyone’s lives for the better.

   Cat “adopts” animal of another species, changing everyone’s lives for the better.

   Cat saves life of human with medical condition, changing everyone’s lives for the better.

An immutable principle of Catakism is that every Catakist has numerous stories about his or her cat(s) that they think are worthy of being made into books, TV shows, and movies—Pixar might beg to differ.

X. Feline Productivity Enhancers

In addition to all the wonderfully entertaining and leisurely uses of the Internet listed above, there are also times during the course of each day where a Catakist just needs to buckle down and get some serious work done. Fortunately, there’s an infinite number of cat-themed websites out there dedicated to enhancing human productivity.

Just a few examples of some real cat websites that will surely help you through your workday:

   Cat Bounce. Features cats bouncing. Up and down. But wait, there’s more—an interactive component! Drag each cat to a new position, then watch it bounce.

   Dress a Cat. Take a cat, dress it up. Done.

   The Cat Scan. Photos of cats on scanners, with their legs tucked under them. Amazing! Upload your own!

   Meowmania. Click a spot, a cat’s head appears there. Yup, that’s it.

   The Infinite Cat Project. Cats watching cats. In mirrors and monitors. To infinity.

   Garfield Minus Garfield. Garfield comic strips with Garfield Photoshopped out, leaving Jon Arbuckle talking to empty space.

   Meowbify. Takes any website, adds cat pictures and videos to it, and turns it into a cat site.

   Procatinator. Name says it all. Short, animated cat GIFs paired with songs that match the GIF’s rhythm.

   The Kitten Covers. Famous album covers with, you guessed it, kittens replacing the orginal image.

   My Cat Is an A**hole! One of many cat-shaming sites (shame!). Submit photos of your cat acting like an a**hole.

   Nyan Cat. Observe a primitive animation of a cat with a pink Pop-Tart for a body running along, followed by a rainbow. Just because.

XI. Cat Computer “Help”

As obsessed as human computer users are with cats, cats are equally obsessed with computers. More accurately, they are obsessed with helping humans use their computers less effectively. Although DICKs may get angry when a cat interferes with their computer usage, Catakists welcome this help and view it as a sacred blessing, even as it costs them time, money, business, efficiency, and relationships.

Some typical forms of cat computer help include:

Stationing body in front of the monitor. At least once a day, the cat will slowly walk across the human’s desk and sit in front of the monitor with a placid here-is-the-place-where-I-most-belong-on-Earth expression on her face. For the next hour or two, the human must crane his neck in all directions, trying to see around the cat, who remains stubbornly nontransparent.

Helping factor: The human gets some much-needed stretching, relieving neck tension.

Kneading the keyboard. At a critically important moment in the human’s workday—e.g., solving the formula for cold fusion or replying to a Facebook friend request—the cat will stroll onto the keyboard, begin kneading it, and turn the human’s work into character salad while Cat purrs contentedly.

Helping factor: Human gets a critical reminder about the importance of saving his work every ten seconds.

Batting the touch screen. Whenever the human is intensely engaged in a game or work activity on a tablet or smartphone, the cat’s paw will dart in from the sidelines, batting at the screen as if it were a cat toy, and crashing whatever application the human was using. Eureka, touch screens work with paws too!

Helping factor: Human receives some free bug-testing of his software.

Sleeping on the mouse arm. For a large portion of the human’s workday or World of Warcraft session (these activities may be done simultaneously), the cat will sleep with her body draped across the arm the human uses to operate the computer mouse or game controller. The Catakist will passively adapt to the added weight and carry on with his activity. Many video games now allow players to select this as an official difficulty level, so now they can choose from: Easy, Hard, Expert, or Cat Sleeping on Arm.

Helping factor: Human is forced to become ambidextrous.

Editing the email. Often when a human is in the middle of composing an email, she will get up to use the bathroom or get a drink only to return to her desk to find that her email has been “edited” by kitty. The true Catakist does not change the cat’s literary contribution, but simply includes a parenthetical remark stating, respectfully, “(my cat’s edits).”

Helping factor: Email recipient gets many bonus jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjs in her email.

XII. The Cat and the App

The dedicated Catakist eventually decides it’s time to get kitty her own apps to play with. Incredibly, these products actually exist. Yes, numerous cat apps are available for tablets and smartphones, including:

Chase the … mouse, frog, bug, ball, fish, laser dot. The majority of cat apps fall into the category of “thing moves around the screen, cat whacks it.” The human, as usual, finds these games more amusing than the cat does. If it’s a very realistic game, like some of the fishing apps, the cat will remain interested for a while until it figures out that it can’t win the game, at which point it reverts to a game it can win: Make the Human Stroke the Cat for Three Straight Hours. The only real winner of cat games is Apple Inc., because after an hour of whacking and scratching by a cat, your iPad will need a new screen.

Human vs. Kitty game. This app pits a human player against a cat. The human flings things at a goal, the kitty tends the goal. In this case, it is the human who becomes bored when he quickly realizes that the cat is better at the game than he is. He then quietly deletes the app and mentions it to no one.

Human-to-Cat Translator. While this one is technically for cat people rather than cats, it does involve cats directly. The app purports to analyze the human’s voice and “translate” it into cat sounds. Needless to say, it works about as well as a speed limit sign on a stretch of open road. The day all Catakists fear is the day the first Cat-to-Human Translator app is released. For then humans may hear that kitty is actually saying, “Come near me with that fake fish again and you’re going to need a tetanus booster.”

Ninefold Path Guidepost #8

The use of any image except your cat’s as your social media profile pic is forbidden by sacred law

Got a nice photo of a spouse or fiancé you’d like to use online? Too bad.

Have children, nieces, or nephews you’d like to brag about? Sorry.

Is there a piece of artwork you enjoy looking at? Nuh-uh.

A recently deceased parent you wish to honor? No dice.

A special location you are in love with? Not gonna happen.

The only permissible image to use for your profile pic on ALL websites—as well as for the wallpaper on your smartphone, computer, and other electronic devices—is your cat’s. Period. There are no exceptions to this rule.

Ye shalt be known forever online as the anonymous person behind the kitty.