PURR-MINOLOGY

Cat Glory and Exaltation Day—A special holiday in the Catakism calendar set aside for the praise and adoration of cats. Celebrated three hundred sixty-five days per year.

Cat Mitzvah—A sacred ritual in which a fledgling believer adopts Catakism as his or her lifelong faith.

Cat Park—The Internet.

Cat-a-gorical Imperative—The requirement, in Catakism, that cats be regarded as simultaneously dignified and noble, cute and cuddly, and insanely funny.

Catakism—The formal practice of devoting one’s life to the praise, adoration, and service of cats.

Catakist—A practitioner of Catakism.

Cat-a-littic Conversion—The precise moment in time—usually accompanied by intense purring in one’s lap—when one converts to Catakism.

Cat-astrophe—A tragedy of feline proportions.

Catatonic Navigational Disorder—The tendency to allow your subconscious to take over while driving and find yourself parked outside a cat shelter, cat show, or pet store and having no idea how you got there. However, upon arrival, you think to yourself, “Now that I’m here, I might as well go check out the kitty cats.”

Catma—The (ahem) dogma of Catakism.

Cattict—One who is addicted to cats.

Cattitude—The exquisite blend of superiority, coolness, sleekness, aloofness, confidence, mystery, smarts, and unpredictability exuded by cats, which compels humans to bow down before them and feed them flaked filet of sole in crystal chalices.

CEO—Cat Executive Officer, i.e., the head of your household.

Chatachisme—Catakism en français.

Coming Out of the Claws-et—Publicly declaring one’s devotion to Cat.

Crazy Cat Lady—What all Catakists, regardless of gender, become when they begin hosting three or more cats in their homes.

Dogtology—The (heretical) belief in dogs as more worship-worthy than cats.

DICK (Doesn’t Idolize Cats or Kittens)—A human who just didn’t get the meow-mo.

Eternal Sin Against Cat—An unforgivable transgression against a kitty, such as moving a sleeping cat, laughing at a cat, startling a cat, et catera.

Ex-claw-munication—The revocation of one’s Catakism membership due to demonstrated unworthiness (e.g., committing an Eternal Sin Against Cat; see above).

Feline Deprivation Disorder—The constellation of physical and psychological symptoms a Catakist suffers when going more than an hour without seeing, petting, and/or holding a cat.

Feline Falsetto Frequency (FFF or Triple-F)—The high-pitched, servile, baby talk tone of voice all humans are compelled to use when conversing with a cat.

Feline Mind Meld—The state of hypnosis a cat puts a human under by using a strategic combination of slow blinks, purrs, and “the soft eyes.”

Feline Numerical Dysfunction—A disorder experienced by advanced-level Catakists in which the sufferer loses the ability to accurately report how many cats she has in her home (perhaps for fear of being labeled a crazy cat lady).

Glare of Damnation—The disapproving look a cat gives to let you know you have committed an Eternal Sin Against Cat (see above).

Kitten Smitten—An early stage of Catakism in which one’s feline devotion is focused almost exclusively on kittens (kittens are the gateway drug to cat obsession).

Litteral—Related to, or having to do with litter boxes or litters of kittens.

Nine Sacred Attributes of Cat—The special qualities and powers cats possess, such as the ability to teleport, liquefy, and do the Feline Mind Meld (see above), which render felines worthy of human adulation.

Ninefold Path—The guidelines of spiritual faith laid down in time immemorial for all practicing Catakists to follow.

Posterior Power Play—The historical moment (in the mid-twentieth century) when cats began allowing humans to assume full responsibility for their poops, thus cementing humans as permanently lower on the totem pole than kitties.

Power of the Pussycat—Cats have it. It’s the Catakist version of Kryptonite. No further explanation required.

Psy-cat-ic—The mental state of Catakists.

Purr-aphernalia—The assortment of religious artifacts (e.g., cat toys, cat posters, cat knickknacks, cat furniture, cat-themed mugs and T-shirts) that turn a human home into a Temple of Catakism.

Purr-formance Art—Any song-and-dance number performed by a human for the exclusive “enjoyment” of their cat.

Sacred Purr—A cat’s meditative mantra, which she chants constantly in order to stay spiritually centered in the presence of humans.

Urine Nasal Blindness—A disorder in which longtime “host families” to cats lose the ability to notice the odor of cat urine pervading their household.

YouTubular Compulsivity—The addictive need to watch cat videos 24/7.