ROMANCE SECRET #1
TRUE LOVE COMMITS
There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid.
Proverbs 30:18-19, KJV
Hidden behind the 1990s matrimonial bling, as recorded in our wedding DVD, was a second life-changing concept.
There we stood, dressed in almost regal finery. She wore the customary white dress accented by a beaded headband with tulle exploding from the back. I wore a light-gray tux and a naively eager smile on my lips.
After vowing with solemnity and sincerity, the thought of till-death-do-us-part dedication was overtaken by the whirlwind celebrations. The toasts were made, the cake was cut, the garter tossed, and concern about commitment was cast aside with it.
The way I saw it back then, I’d found a girl and gotten married. I checked that off my life’s to-do list and set my mind on other goals. Sure I knew I would have to buy an anniversary gift —diamonds are the fifth anniversary gift or are they the tenth? —and I figured I’d be in trouble with Erin if I didn’t think of something romantic for Valentine’s Day. But those two events were once a year with clearly defined parameters. Selfishly I knew that if I played my cards right and made Erin happy on those celebratory days, I’d probably be happy too, wink wink.
I’m ashamed to admit it, but I thought of marriage maintenance as something simple and routine, like setting the clocks an hour ahead or swapping out fresh batteries in the smoke detectors. The promise to cherish my wife was relegated to a couple of dates on the calendar.
I was soon going to reap the unhappy consequences of my ignorance and my cavalier approach to matrimonial commitment.
HURRICANE O
Fast-forward two weeks. Apparently Erin and I had spent more effort preparing for the perfect day instead of for the perfect relationship. While our wedding went off without a hitch, the “honeymoon was over” even before the honeymoon was over.
The setting? Hawaii. The problem? Definitely Erin. Or so I thought at the time. Here’s how it happened . . .
The “honeymoon was over” even before the honeymoon was over.
On the last day of our trip, we wanted to visit a tropical waterfall. You know the one on the travel agency posters: the white foaming water cutting through gray granite towers and splashing into a pristine blue pool circumscribed by lush foliage bursting with the blooms of large, red flowers. I’d mapped out a route, and we happily hiked to the spot.
After arriving I stripped to my swim trunks and jumped straight into the refreshing water, waiting for my lovely bride to join me. This was going to be a swim to remember.
It is just as crazy not to be crazy about Christ as it is to be crazy about anything else.
Peter Kreeft, Jesus-Shock
I motioned with outstretched arms and an irresistibly inviting look in my eyes.
But Erin stood on the bank, fully clothed, and, for some inexplicable reason, resisting.
“Come on in,” I beckoned.
She shook her head and simply pointed to a sign that read, “NO SWIMMING.”
The emotional weather changed as fast as a tropical storm. Hurricane O moved in —O for Our First Big Fight.
The next few minutes were spent arguing, and after I finally realized that she wasn’t going to move, I shouted, “You just ruined the honeymoon!”
Then I watched as she slipped into the jungle growth and disappeared.
The majestic setting seemed to mock me. Externally my world was perfect. Internally it was falling apart. (We’ll hear Erin’s side of the story in “Romance Secret #4: True Love Fights for Peace.” Stay tuned for how we learned the secret of not only reconciling arguments like this one, but also growing closer as a couple through the process.)
Somehow we smoothed over the spat during a luau, silently agreeing to avoid the topic. But over the next few months, waves of tension washed over us. The tide would pull them away before we could resolve them. We argued about in-laws, chores, and money. The stress of our jobs and my graduate school schedule seemed as if they would drown us.
I wondered, What went wrong? Did I choose the wrong person?
This marriage thing was supposed to be easy. After all, I was the son of Gary Smalley, relationship expert and marriage guru. Surely I knew how to reach out in love and recapture Erin’s heart. But instead of coming up with ideas to calm the emotional storms, my efforts at communication blew things further out of control.
This man and this maid, who had been so in love, were now completely miserable.
A “ROCKY” START
Erin and I suffered from the devastation of Hurricane O and the following storms. Many days I felt as if our marriage foundation was washing away.
But it held fast.
Why? Because we’d had a “rocky” start.
And in the context of the Bible, that’s a good thing!
Erin and I had one of the essential ingredients for a strong relationship. We’d built our marriage house on rock, as described in Jesus’ parable. (See Matthew 7.) God’s power held us together.
Before we became engaged, Erin and I had, as individuals, committed our lives to serving God and following His teachings in the Bible.
When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now.
C. S. Lewis, Letters of C. S. Lewis
I had been intentionally pursuing my faith since high school. When we got married, I was in seminary, burning the midnight oil studying systematic theology. Erin had made a commitment to intentional spiritual growth during college. As a couple, we were deciding whether to attend a Catholic or Evangelical church, but at least we knew that spiritual accord was essential. That commitment to God sustained us (and still does) during our stormy times.
THY TREASURE —THY HEART
I love the word wholehearted. Erin and I have used it to title several of our marriage books. Wholehearted means “marked by complete earnest commitment.”[1] Complete, earnest: these are the words I want defining my commitment to Erin.
A wholehearted commitment to marriage starts by recognizing its incredible value. Matthew 6:21 says, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (ESV). Commitment —fully and earnestly investing your whole heart —flows out of what you treasure. In other words, you will only invest in what you esteem. And the more committed you are to it, the more you’ll invest.
Have you ever thought about what you like about your marriage or why Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage should be honored by all”? It’s because you must regard your marriage with great respect.
Even though we had difficulties, Erin and I still valued some things. Here’s the list as it was then:
- Having fun and laughing together
- Going on mission trips together
- Having someone to celebrate with
- Having sex
- Being with a best friend
- Being part of a team
What do you love about your marriage? Treasuring and honoring your marriage is vital, but it’s not sufficient for a lifelong marriage. At some point a husband and wife need to decide to stay married for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.
A WIDOW’S VOW
One scripture that’s often quoted during marriage ceremonies reflects this commitment to God in a powerful way. It’s from the Old Testament story of Ruth.
At first glance, the passage might not seem like strong marriage material; however, a Moabite widow’s initial commitment to God and His people later defines one of the great love stories in the Bible. Ruth makes a simple, yet profound, vow to her mother-in-law, a displaced Israelite named Naomi. The formative foundation of that love rests on Ruth’s pledge to follow the Lord. As we’ll see, a commitment to honor God is the first step toward developing a marriage that can sustain lifelong passion.
The tension of Ruth’s story develops upon the death of her husband, Mahlon, who provided financially for her and for Naomi while they lived in Moab. After Mahlon’s death, Naomi decides to return to her homeland, Bethlehem. She forbids Ruth from coming with her and encourages her to find a new husband from among the Moabites. The story picks up in Ruth 1:16 (ESV):
A commitment to honor God is the first step toward developing a marriage that can sustain lifelong passion.
Ruth said [to Naomi], “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God.”
Ruth makes this promise, in essence, pledging her life to serve the living God.
SNUFF OUT YOUR CANDLE
Ruth clearly takes the first step in preparing for marriage by committing her life to the God of the Israelites. Next, she vows to leave her life with the Moabites behind. She denounces her former polytheistic religion, her homeland, and her emotional and financial ties to blood kin. Ruth never once looks back, vowing to serve God and Naomi until she dies.
Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the LORD do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you. (v. 17, ESV)
Ruth shows her commitment to God and His people is unto death —as is the marriage covenant.
But there are two kinds of death. One takes place before physical death: dying to self. There are only two passages in the Bible that tell us to do something “daily.” One is to “encourage one another daily” (Hebrews 3:13); the other is “take up [your] cross daily” (Luke 9:23). Taking up our crosses refers to how Christ made the ultimate sacrifice —His life. Likewise I am to lay down my life —my selfish desires —and sacrificially serve my wife.
We knew we were loved, we knew the Lord was head of our house, we knew where the lines were drawn, we were safe.
Elisabeth Elliot, Love Has a Price Tag
“Dying to self” daily is a key to not only the Christian life but also to lifelong love and romance with your spouse. Part of that “death” means leaving your past life as a single adult and creating a new culture based on the union of one man and one woman. A second essential aspect of marital success is that individuals must leave their past life behind and commit to a future with their spouse.
On our wedding day, Erin and I likewise vowed to leave our single lives behind and form a new bond, one life as couple. We chose to symbolize this aspect of marriage by using a unity candle at our wedding.
TRICK CANDLES
Unfortunately, the circumstances surrounding my married life didn’t parallel the unity tradition. In my soul I had one of those trick candles that relights, because the desires of my former life kept right on smoldering.
I knew that I should “leave” my old life and “cleave” only to my wife as the King James version of Genesis commands a man to do. But under pressure in the first months of our marriage, I was double-minded. Memories of my independent, Greg-only priorities would warm my thoughts causing me to want to rekindle my single (translated: self-centered) way of life.
I wanted to spend money on CDs and Erin wanted to pay bills. I wanted to play basketball five days a week or watch television till the wee hours of the morning. Erin had other plans for me, such as washing dishes. I thought living as a caveman was fine; I had no desire to buy into her Martha Stewart standards.
As I struggled with the difficult realities of marriage, I let discontent weigh down my soul.
Erin struggled in the quicksand even more than I did. Depression and anxiety threatened to suffocate her. At that time in my life, immaturity and pride kept me from taking responsibility for our problems, and so Erin sought counseling alone.
We were stuck, anchored at the island of self-pity, each of us surreptitiously longing for the shores of singlehood.
LESSONS FROM THE ART OF WAR
Ironically, concepts revealed in the ancient book The Art of War helped us make peace. I finally realized that marriage is a lifelong battle against selfishness, a strong adversary capable of giving our love mortal wounds. I had yet to commit myself fully to the fight for our marriage.
I found inspirational principles for that fight in an unusual source.
Notes from a Chinese General
If you’re in a battle, you need to seek counsel. The words are from Chinese philosopher-general Sun Tzu directing those who want to protect and advance their countries in the essential art of war. He noted in the sixth century BC:
[War] is a matter of life and death, a road either to safety or to ruin. Hence it is a subject of inquiry which can on no account be neglected.[2]
If you replace the word war with marriage, the message is profound for couples, perhaps even more so than for generals. I wanted a successful marriage. No, that’s not exactly right. I wanted a fun, adventurous, passionate, all-consuming desire for Erin to dominate my thoughts and define my priorities. And I wanted her to feel the same way about me and our marriage. But we were nowhere close to winning the battle because we were neglecting something that threatened the life of our marriage. We were headed toward ruin, not safety. We needed to learn an important lesson about waging the war against self-centeredness.
Ditch the Idea of Divorce
In those early days, the D-word was unspoken, but the menace of it permeated our arguments. Our verbal battles would escalate to the point where I’d try to put words into Erin’s mouth, such as “Are you saying I should leave?” or “Why would you want to stay with me?” Neither of us wanted separation, but our inability to resolve our fights played out in melodrama. The one-liners were lead anchors of dissatisfaction, cleverly packed away in our emotional baggage. Until we threw the idea of divorce overboard, we couldn’t sail away from our problems.
Mentioning divorce showed that we weren’t taking God’s warning in Matthew 19:6 seriously: “No one should separate what God has joined together” (NIrV).
When divorce isn’t an option, commitment forces a couple to work through problems. The idea of living out my marriage in misery frightened me. I could choose to either run away or work to resolve the problems. Because I was committed to God and His values (see Malachi 2:16), I gave up the option of divorce. I had only one course of action: I chose to fight for Erin’s love even if it killed me.
When divorce isn’t an option, commitment forces a couple to work through problems.
Burn the Boats
The idea to sabotage a retreat option and stick to the war no matter the cost is another concept described in The Art of War:[3]
Burn your baggage and impedimenta, throw away your stores and provisions, choke up the wells, destroy your cooking-stoves, and make it plain to your men that they cannot survive, but must fight to the death.[4]
When your army has crossed the border, you should burn the boats and bridges, in order to make it clear to everybody that you have no hankering after home.[5]
In any battle, the option of retreat or “hankering after home” must be eliminated. But even more drastic than burning a land bridge is destroying your means to cross an ocean. I call this the “burn the boats” marriage mentality. It’s the ultimate show of commitment.
You may be wondering which commanders acted upon this extreme advice. Legends say that a Berber named Taric the One-Eyed burned his army’s boats after landing along the coast of Spain in 711.[6] The tactic was described in the Roman myth of Aeneas when the goddess Juno tried to keep the Trojans in Sicily.[7] Another legend tells of Alexander the Great burning his ships after landing to conquer Persia circa 334 BC.[8] But by far my favorite “burn the boats” story features the politically incorrect Hernán Cortés. (His ideals were atrocious, but his methods were courageous.)
Imagine you’re a Spanish soldier, arriving on a mysterious foreign coast and facing the Aztec warriors, ferocious men wearing wood helmets and dressed as jaguars.[9] The leader of the Aztecs, Montezuma II, has rebuffed countless armies. And then Cortés orders you to light the ships’ sails on fire! As the fire blazes bright and hot, you realize you must fight to the death. There’s no turning back. Your survival is now dependent on your ability to defeat the Aztecs.[10]
Likewise, if spouses perceive that conquering marriage issues is the only option, their choices are focused on improving the odds of marriage survival. Spouses choose wisely when they know that their life destinies are fused to another person’s well-being. They talk about their feelings, even if it’s painful, instead of pretending “everything is fine.” They refuse to dwell on the negatives when their spouse ruffles their emotional feathers. They let “love and faithfulness never leave” them (Proverbs 3:3), even if their spouse has an illness or life-changing accident. “Burning the boats” means a spouse has promised to stick out the battle, not just today but forever.
After we caught on to the “burn the boats” way of thinking, divorce wasn’t an option for Erin and me. We never even joke about it or allude to leaving.
COMMITMENT ROMANCE SECRET
So, Greg, you’re probably asking, what’s the secret to better romance you promised if I commit unconditionally to my marriage?
Research shows a marriage commitment yields a more satisfying relationship on all levels.[11] Guys, women respond when they know you’ll “die to self” for them. Trust and security shore up a woman’s heart, and she’ll be more likely to bond emotionally.[12]
Research shows a marriage commitment yields a more satisfying relationship on all levels.
Ladies, men hesitate to invest unless they know there’s a payoff. Let your husband know you’ll support him and your marriage no matter what. One researcher concluded that “a man tends to give most completely to a woman once he has decided, She is my future.”[13]
Our Future
In 1992, Jason Heinrich was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Fear and pain entered his six-year-old perspective.
The malignant cells destroyed his right femur, and the bone was removed. When he was twelve, a surgeon offered a choice: adjust to life with crutches, or try an experimental orthopedic procedure that had, so far, never been done in the United States. The new implant was cutting-edge and would fit the needs of a young person like Jason.
The cure was extensive —spanning more than seven years. The treatments were excruciating —his leg was maimed by an accidental instrument failure. The ordeal was exhausting —the emotional and physical toll on Jason’s mind and body left him old beyond his years.
But by high school, Jason had allowed God to replace his fear and dread of hospitals with a compelling goal: to become a perfusionist to help other people with life-threatening conditions. Today, with a degree in biochemistry and a job as a patient care technician, he’s anticipating an interview to enter a Perfusion Technology Master’s program in the Midwest.
Likewise, Erin and I wanted God to replace our relationship pain with something positive. That’s why we decided to commit to marriage ministry as a couple, to redeem our relationship —to fight the cancer of selfishness —in order to help others. We set sail on a new adventure together, and we’ve never once looked back.
If you would like ideas for date nights based on the theme of this chapter, visit crazylittlethingcalledmarriage.com. You’ll also find thought-provoking questions for couples and small groups.
In “Romance Secret #2,” you’ll discover that commitment is also the key to spiritual intimacy.