ROMANCE SECRET #11
TRUE LOVE LOOKS INWARD
I have counsel and sound wisdom; I have insight; I have strength.
—Proverbs 8:14, ESV
Set during the bleak 1930s, the award-winning film Seabiscuit is a true story about a temperamental racehorse and his remarkable ability to win against all odds, inspiring not only the racing world but also a despairing nation under economic siege.
As a foal, Seabiscuit is not an obvious champion; he is undersized and unfocused. None of his trainers can get him to run well; one of them, in exasperation, orders a jockey to whip Seabiscuit into shape. The brutality yields aggression rather than speed. The thoroughbred is now undersized, unfocused, ferociously uncooperative, and for sale.
As new owners Mr. and Mrs. Howard watch Seabiscuit sprint on a racecourse, they see the athletic three-year-old weave awkwardly around the track, his rider struggling to keep him in line.
Mrs. Howard remarks, “Seems pretty fast.”
The horse’s trainer, Tom Smith, embarrassed by the animal’s poor performance, looks at the ground and mutters, “Yeah, in every direction.”[1]
Smith attributes the horse’s problems to the abuse he received at former stables: “[Seabiscuit is] so beat up, it’s hard to tell what he’s like. I just can’t help feelin’ they got him so screwed up runnin’ in a circle, he’s forgotten what he was born to do. He just needs to learn how to be a horse again.”[2]
The Howards are encouraged when they see Seabiscuit run gracefully and with passion on an open trail in a meadow —doing what he was created to do. With the care and empathy of Smith and the daring and determination of jockey Johnny “Red” Pollard, Seabiscuit gradually overcomes his distrust and learns to compete on the racetrack despite setbacks and fierce competition. It took awhile, but Seabiscuit accepted his birthright and became the champion he was bred to be.[3]
Like Seabiscuit, every person is saddled with unhappy memories and scars from being mistreated. Many have been so beat up and wounded that it’s difficult at times to see their true potential. Their God-given gifts have been overlooked, and their honest natures have been twisted out of shape.
Today’s culture has many married people so confused they are running in relationship circles. Some have lost sight of what they were born to do —what they were created to do —so they no longer understand their purpose. And without that realization, they can’t hope to have the thriving marriages God has planned for them.
Do you remember how your purpose was defined in “This Thing Called Love”? Your marriage destiny is “to love.”
In marriage do thou be wise: prefer the person before money, virtue before beauty, the mind before the body; then thou hast a wife, a friend, a companion, a second self.
William Penn, Some Fruits of Solitude
Throughout this book I’ve been encouraging you to do just that. This chapter could easily have been positioned as “Romance Secret #2” —but I’ve saved it for near the end because I want you to understand the scope and depth of the commitment God is calling you to strive toward.
No spouse, not even the best, can do these things —nourish, cherish, unite, communicate, endure, embrace —in his or her own power. The secret to loving well is first being transformed by God; only then can you truly serve your spouse.
Let’s look at the greatest commandments in Jesus’ words again: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’” (Matthew 22:37-39).
By putting God first with your entire being, God honors you by working through you. God wants your hearts abundantly full of His love so you can share His love with others. That’s why the apostle Paul wrote to the church at Thessalonica, “May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you” (1 Thessalonians 3:12).
Love Overflowing
If there’s a love shortage, it isn’t on God’s end. His love is forever available, abounding even. It is higher than the heavens; conquers the grave, keeps us from slipping, and fills the earth —literally.[4]
There’s one biblical image in particular I want you to have in your mind when it comes to love. God’s love is a fountain of life with living waters flowing from it.[5] Such a fountain is necessary for marital happiness. Take a look at King Solomon’s words in Proverbs 5:18: “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.” I believe this blessed fountain represents love being poured out in marriage.[6] Just as the body needs water for survival, your relationship needs love in order to thrive.
Problem Children
If your spring of love dries up, then you’ll have trouble. This potential problem involves people like you and me, flawed individuals. Each one of us is, at times, God’s problem child. Spouses interfere with God’s love flowing through them when they shut off the love fountain. This is why King Solomon also wrote, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).
In case you didn’t notice, this phrase, “above all else,” isn’t just a transition to make the verse sound official or poetic. It really means first, foremost, number one, and top priority. It is vital to keep your heart flowing God’s love to others. Don’t ignore this profound yet simple truth.
I know you’re asking, So, Greg, what makes a person’s heart dry up? What stops individuals from fulfilling the purposes God has intended for them?
If you are fatigued, you can’t offer your spouse what you don’t have.
Some of the potential reasons were presented in “Romance Secrets #4, #6, and #10,” and the things that cause conflict and/or attack your marriage can also affect your wellspring of life. If you are fatigued, you can’t offer your spouse what you don’t have. (Review those three Secrets if you feel you need to.) In this chapter, however, I want to focus on one specific reason your love fountain can dry up: You’re trapped in sin, holding onto “stuff” you just can’t release.
WHAT’S YOUR MONKEY TRAP?
A series of fables, dating as far back as Aesop in the sixth century BC, warn about being trapped by an unwillingness to let go. In India, the legend revolves around “the monkey trap,” which refers to a hollowed out coconut tethered to the ground or to a tree. The shell has a single opening just large enough to fit a monkey’s small, flexible hand.
To load the trap, bait is placed into the coconut —a slice of fruit or some other delicacy to tempt a monkey. A curious and hungry monkey reaches into the tethered coconut and clenches its fist around the bait. But when it tries to pull its hand out, its fist is too big to get through the opening with the bait still clenched in his hand.
So what does the monkey do? Sadly, the monkey refuses to let go of the bait, to his detriment.
Clearly it’s not the coconut that traps the monkey. Instead, the true snare is the monkey’s unwillingness to let go of the prize.
Many of us suffer a similar plight. So often in life husbands and wives mentally, emotionally, and spiritually hold onto the very things that trap and imprison them. They refuse to let go of their pursuit of money, pornography, overeating, shopping, or workaholism. Or it might be wounds from the past that they can’t let go of (abuse, failure, rape, molestation, being bullied, sexual promiscuity, abortion, etc.). And like the monkey, when they refuse to let go, they get stuck.
Greg’s Monkey Trap
I recently went through a four-day personal intensive called Impact Training, which is designed to help individuals understand how they can love others unconditionally. The experience helped me recognize the impact I have on others.
At one point in the intensive, the feedback I received made my head spin with confusion. Over and over, people kept using words like secretive, hiding, guarded, and withholding to describe me. I didn’t know I came across that way. I thought I was as open and friendly as a Labrador retriever puppy.
But over the four days, God revealed a destructive pattern I’d had my entire life. I realized that my monkey trap —what I refused to release —was hiding and keeping secrets. From a young age I’d learned to cover up my mistakes. Instead of facing the consequences of my choices, I hid the things that might embarrass me or get me in trouble.
My mind flooded with examples of my secrets. As a young boy, I hid Little Debbie Swiss Rolls and Nutty Bars in my room so my mom wouldn’t catch me eating junk food. In grade school, I hid the fact that I had a learning disability because I was so embarrassed about my poor reading. In high school, I hid a dirty magazine in the attic. In college, I hid a very dark secret from my family and close friends that launched me into severe depression for years: my girlfriend had an abortion. Early in my marriage, I hid cash in a tennis ball can so I wouldn’t have to battle Erin over spending money. Over and over, I used the same coping mechanism: hiding.
Love me when I least deserve it because that is when I really need it.
Swedish proverb
For me, this gave the term harsh reality a new meaning. I can’t tell you how difficult it was to own up to my monkey trap. My conscience was squirming like a worm washed from the dirt by a good rain.
The pattern that traps me has become so ingrained I often don’t even see it. For example, just four days after the Impact Training, Erin and I led a marriage seminar in Florida. The church gave us an amazing gift and put us up at a beachfront resort. At some point over the weekend, Erin asked why I seemed so shut down. I actually had no idea, but I could feel it too. I thought maybe I was just fatigued.
But God is committed to helping free me of my monkey trap, and He used Scripture to show me what I was doing.
The morning of our marriage seminar, I was reflecting on some verses that I’d written down about secrets. I hadn’t had time to review the verses since the Impact Training. When I read Psalm 51:6, “Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place,” the truth hit me. I felt shut down because I had been ogling bikini-clad women on the beach, and I was trying to hide this behavior from Erin by wearing dark sunglasses that shadowed my furtive glances.
Then I read a verse from Job 24 and —there’s no other way to say it —it freaked me out:
There are those who rebel against the light, who do not know its ways or stay in its paths. . . . The eye of the adulterer watches for dusk; he thinks, “No eye will see me,” and he keeps his face concealed. . . . For all of them, deep darkness is their morning; they make friends with the terrors of darkness. (13,15, and 17)
The Holy Spirit and God’s Word conspired to stalk my conscience, and I’m thankful for it. My lustful behavior had caused me to shut down —to hide!
Only now am I beginning to fully understand the price I’ve paid over the years for my secrets. It has cost me my integrity at times —like when I hid money from Erin in a tennis ball can or when I didn’t tell her about buying something simple as a DVD or as big as a $3,000 antique —and it has cost me authentic intimacy and deep connection to Erin. She has also had to suffer because I chose to hide.
The great news is that God wants to help you let go of whatever you’re holding inside your monkey trap and then use you to do great things. Second Timothy 2:21 offers this promise: “Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work” (ESV).
The great news is that God wants to help you let go of whatever you’re holding inside your monkey trap.
Letting Go of Your Monkey Trap
But to receive that promise, you have to be willing to change, to cleanse your soul and conscience. To find out if you have a monkey trap, ask yourself these questions:
- What is one thing that is keeping you stuck? What do you need to let go of to experience freedom?
- What is keeping you from being healthier and more joyful? A negative attitude or faulty belief? A lie that Satan has been telling you?
- Are you holding on to bitterness or resentment?
- Is a wound from the past encaging you?
- Is regret of a past mistake keeping you captive?
- Do you hold on to an unhealthy habit? An unhealthy relationship or fantasy life?
A successful marriage requires maturity —that means being able to let go of your monkey traps. Both spouses must be committed to personal growth and development. You don’t get to criticize your spouse’s behavior or point out what he or she is mistakenly grasping without first looking inward and identifying your own monkey traps. You have to let go first.
You can sacrifice and not love. But you cannot love and not sacrifice.
Kris Vallotton, author and pastor
Jesus used a different word picture. He summed up that principle using the metaphor of specks and planks: “How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:4-5).
To be mature means we are teachable, able to remove planks. This quality must be intentionally developed. Author and friend Gary Chapman notes that in his counseling sessions he gives the couple paper and pens. He then asks them to list their own faults. Each spouse can usually list only a few things wrong with him- or herself. But when asked to list the faults of their marriage partner, the writers often ask for more paper.[7]
To be mature means we are teachable, able to remove planks.
A mature person is capable of being instructed, trained, and coached by God, a mentor, and his or her spouse. This person can accurately and somewhat objectively see his or her faults for what they are —areas in life that need attention. God calls this process of personal refinement sanctification, or becoming Christlike. Second Corinthians 3:18 describes that process like this: “We . . . are being transformed into [Christ’s] likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord.”
Five Steps to Freedom
How do we journey toward this promised transformation? I’ve outlined five steps that will help you let go of your monkey trap. Think of each step as a finger you’re unclenching to free yourself from the trap.
Step #1: Become aware. Try to understand your “stuff.” Don’t accept your behavior at face value, but be curious about what causes you to act as you do. This is what Impact Training did for me —it helped reveal my lifelong pattern of hiding.
Step #2: Encounter God’s truth. During the training, God’s truth was able to sink in. I realized that I didn’t want to be hiding anymore because I was not living as the person He created me to be. When you align your life to match biblical teaching, when you strive toward obedience, then your monkey traps no longer have a hold of you. Jesus explained this principle in John 8:31-32: “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
This is a twofold step. First you must make sure your heart is open to learning and changing. Second, you must read the Bible. You can’t build your faith without exposing your life to God’s character-building truth. “All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:16-17, ESV). “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path” (Psalm 119:105, ESV). Bottom line? Read your Bible or listen to an audio version if you want a message from God.
Step #3: Practice confessing your sins out loud. First John 1:9 states, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” The Greek word for confess is homologeo, which was typically used for a public confession; it means “to profess; to declare openly, speak out freely.”[8] When you speak a difficult-to-admit truth out loud to God or others, that action creates humility and causes you to accept responsibility or to “own” that truth.
First just admit the wrongdoing aloud in a prayer. Tell your spouse. Tell a trusted mentor (James 5:16). Bring this sin into the light as Ephesians 5:11-14 instructs us: “Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. . . . But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light” (ESV). The experience will help clarify what’s right and what’s wrong, worthy and unworthy, preparing you for your good works. (See 2 Timothy 2:21 again.)
Step #4: Experience forgiveness. This step follows closely after confession. The normal order of the forgiveness experience is asking God to forgive you. The realization that you’ve wronged someone or made a general slipup against the Creator usually comes from reading the Bible or personal reflection after you’ve encountered friction in a relationship. That’s why Jesus included asking for forgiveness in the prayer He taught the disciples to pray.[9] Talking to God about your shortcomings, particularly in regard to your spouse, should be a top priority. But sometimes His grace is difficult to accept; guilt gathers like dust bunnies even after you think you’ve swept them away. If guilt plagues you, keep 1 John 1:9 somewhere you will see it every day to remind yourself that God does forgive: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
Being loved is life’s second greatest blessing; loving is the greatest.
Dr. Jack Hyles, Blue Denim and Lace
Next, you may need someone to forgive you. Again, this person is often your spouse because you have so much intimate interaction with your mate. I recently had to apologize to Erin for a joke gone wrong. I didn’t mean to burden her —really, no malice aforethought. In fact, I put no “aforethought” at all into my action, and Erin paid the embarrassing price of appearing rude in front of Annie’s speech therapist.
The final stage to step #4 is forgiving others. Someone could have wronged you, and you need to forgive him, her, or the organizational entity. This can be a blatant wrongdoing or a subtle slight to your pride. Again, self-reflection (being aware) will bring this to light. The anger part eventually surfaces. The need to share grace, however, is not so easy to detect.
The story that follows is one of Erin’s experiences in deep forgiveness.
Step #5: Treasure hunt your pain. Remember the clamshells we talked about in “Romance Secret #4?” Did you know that a clam makes its shell from the same material it makes a pearl? Pain can either cause you to form a shell around your heart, closing it off, or you can make something beautiful from it —dare I say it? —a pearl of wisdom! When hard times come to you, consider diving into the treasure-hunt business. These gems come through the Holy Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control,[10] steadfastness, endurance, and hopefulness.
I think James understood this concept well. That’s how he was able to write —in all seriousness and without flinching —that trials should be considered joyful events. (Wouldn’t you be happy if you opened a clamshell and found a pearl?) It took me years to understand this profound passage, but now I’ve come to understand that God’s best gifts are often given in pain-wrapped packages:
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4, ESV)
Here’s another verse that refers to joy-infused suffering:
We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5, ESV)
Erin and I compiled a short list of some Smalley treasures that started out as painful:
- Annie’s abandonment meant we could adopt her.
- My confession to “hiding” led to a deeper and more authentic intimacy in our marriage.
- Our difficulty managing conflict early in our marriage led us to learn how to work through conflict —so we’re pretty good at it now.
- My girlfriend’s abortion in college helped me learn to have grace toward others when they make mistakes.
- Erin’s mother’s death gave her a deeper appreciation for family and friends.
- I didn’t get into law school, which allowed me to become a marriage therapist and help marriages.
- Erin and I left Branson, Missouri, and a very difficult family business, which freed us up to move to the Center for Healthy Relationships, and then from there to come to Focus on the Family to lead its marriage department.
FEELING SAFE TOGETHER
Inward healing draws you closer as a couple because you feel safer —you aren’t a threat. When someone has personal issues that aren’t being dealt with, it makes them feel unsafe. They may hurt you (anger, rage, passive-aggressiveness), they may not be able to connect with you (depression or anxiety), or they may be needy and demanding that you love them (they feel like a vacuum sucking every time to try to relate or connect). Dealing with your junk makes your spouse feel as if you are safer and less threatening. “It’s much easier to connect with you because you seem safe.”
The record books show that in 1938 and 1939 Seabiscuit won seventeen of twenty-six races, and either placed or showed in all but one of the remaining nine.[11] The highlight of Seabiscuit’s career was when he raced War Admiral, a Triple Crown champion, head to head. On November 1, 1938, Franklin D. Roosevelt and forty million other Americans listened to the race on radio. Seabiscuit gave a country hope that the “little guy” could triumph.[12]
The movie Seabiscuit clearly shows how this special horse is a treasure to the nation in general and to three damaged individuals in particular. Owner Charles Howard is willing to risk again after the death of his son. Trainer Tom Smith regains his self-respect after losing a career as a cowboy. Jockey Johnny “Red” Pollard finds a home and finally feels valued after being abandoned by his family and being treated poorly by the racing community. In the last line of the movie, he says, “You know, everybody thinks we found this broken-down horse and fixed him, but we didn’t. He fixed us. Every one of us. And I guess in a way we kinda fixed each other too.”[13]
Having a supportive community is one way we can all get “fixed.” The next chapter, “Romance Secret #12: True Love Seeks Fellowship,” will help you identify ways to be part of a community that supports marriage.