ROMANCE SECRET #12
TRUE LOVE SEEKS FELLOWSHIP
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:12
Warning: This section contains material from The Lord of the Rings. If you’ve been oversaturated by the six epic movies, and can’t stand another mention of the Shire or see another orc slaughtered, stay with me anyway . . . there’s a takeaway as illuminating as Galadriel’s phial.
I for one, remain a J. R. R. Tolkien fan because I love a grand adventure and because the themes of self-sacrifice and destiny speak to my soul. (Every Christmas break Garrison and I have a LOTR and Hobbit movies marathon.)
Even though the release of The Return of the King movie was more than a decade ago, several spiritual truths I learned from the trilogy still resonate with me. The struggles of Tolkien’s characters to defeat the evil Lord Sauron and the evil within themselves have given me inspiration. I see the themes of the legends paralleling marriage and wedding ceremonies.
You see, in both LOTR lore and at weddings, it’s all about the Ring. (Didn’t see that one coming, did you?)
One of my favorite scenes in the first movie is during the Council of Elrond. It’s a beautiful stone patio setting with mature trees and an elegant, ancient castle as a picturesque backdrop. Fall leaves flutter gently from the trees. The Elf-ruler, Elrond, officiates the council with wise dignity. After some heated discussion, Frodo the humble Hobbit inevitably accepts the call to serve as the Ring-bearer. The task is going to be a long, arduous journey; it will most likely end in death. So when a wizard, a king, an elf, a dwarf, and a seasoned warrior volunteer to accompany Frodo on his journey, my heart stirs. And when his three best friends finagle their way onto the traveling team —or fellowship as it’s called in the lore —the scene is complete.[1]
Now pause and imagine an outdoor wedding ceremony on a similar patio. Recast Elrond in your mind’s eye as a wise and dignified reverend wearing a robe (and without the silver headband thing). The bride and groom wait patiently for the service to begin. The dozen or so guests sit in elegant, plush chairs, which are arranged in a semicircle.
The man who sanctifies his wife understands that this is his divinely ordained responsibility… Is my wife more like Christ because she is married to me?
R. Kent Hughes, Disciplines of a Godly Man
The Reverend Elrond addresses them somberly and says, “Should anyone here present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.”
Suddenly, several people in the audience speak out. The bride’s former high school guidance counselor says, “I say they shouldn’t get married at all! Don’t you know 40 percent of all first marriages end in divorce?” The mother of the bride says, “I don’t think the groom makes enough money. They’ll probably wind up living in my basement. Call it off.” The groom’s college roommate says, “He looks at porn. She should run before it’s too late.”
On and on the objections roll in. They’re not old enough. They’re not ready for kids. She’s a control freak. He’s a slob. They don’t know what they’re getting into.
Even though Reverend Elrond quiets the guests, some are still obviously upset. He turns to the couple. “This is a serious commitment you’re making. Do you understand the perils of this marriage adventure —and that it will end only in death?”
The bride and groom nod their heads. They exchange the vows and the rings.
Then Reverend Elrond again turns to the onlookers. He says, “Who will accompany this couple on their life journey and offer aid to their success?”
At first there’s silence. Then the best man kneels beside the groom and says, “If by my life or by my death I can protect you, you have my sword!”
Some things sound better in Middle-earth than they do in middle-class America. But the word fellowship belongs in every healthy community. In the Bible, fellowship connotes a shared vision. It means “community,” “intimacy,” and “joint participation.”[2] The God of this universe created us to be in relationship —with Him and with others. We were never meant to tackle the challenges of life and marriage alone. Couples need a strong community surrounding them at all times —a “fellowship of the wedding rings” so to speak.
Couples need a strong community surrounding them at all times.
That’s why I love it when family members and close friends make a vow at the wedding to support the couple. When I’m officiating, I ask the wedding guests, “As a part of the community that surrounds this couple, do you pledge your love and support in keeping this marriage forever strong?”
Asking for this commitment isn’t just sentimental jargon. It’s my way of alerting the couple’s loved ones that the couple needs support, that the community needs to play an active role in their lives.
Why? Because marriage is difficult. Satanic forces greater than any fantasy-book enemy will try to break the couple’s commitment. And each person’s innate self-centeredness is bound to create problems in a marriage. Even the healthiest relationships go through conflict, disappointment, and temptation. So family and friends have a continuing role in the couple’s grand adventure. This is the moment that our loved ones, who vowed to support and fight for our marriage, can make the difference between relationship life and death. Their shared participation shouldn’t end after they drop off the gift and a card at the reception.
THREE TYPES OF FELLOWSHIP CIRCLES
Erin and I desperately needed Christian friends to boost us when we were struggling. When we first got married, we were euphoric, bubbling over with an it’s-just-you-and-me-against-the-world! attitude. And when that became it’s-you-and-me-against-each-other! attitude, we didn’t know how to ask for help.
We noted in “Romance Secret #9: True Love Serves” that unity is essential for a strong marriage. But a couple also needs Christian community or fellowship with like-minded friends. This is a two-way street: the couple needs the church and the church needs them. To be strong, a couple needs to give and to take. God’s Word directs all of us to “consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another” (Hebrews 10:24-25). Married couples are an integral part of the church community.
Picture marriage as a vehicle for mission, an opportunity for Christians to carry out our mission to make disciples of all the nations.
Francis Chan, You and Me Forever
A relational God created us for fellowship, for joining in beneficial relationships, the iron-sharpening-iron process described in Proverbs 27:17. Spouses who share a healthy, vibrant relationship rely on their support system, but they also recognize that they have a responsibility to help other couples thrive. Community is a part of our DNA. We were designed to know and be known by our spouse and to a more limited extent by the community. A spouse alone is not enough to fulfill our deep desire for fellowship. By experiencing married life in healthy community, a couple realizes multiple benefits —benefits documented in a variety of research studies.[3]
How should you build and maintain a strong support system? How can you contribute to the health of other couples’ marriages? Erin and I recommend finding friends in three categories.
A spouse alone is not enough to fulfill our deep desire for fellowship.
1. Mentor Couples
Gary and Carrie Oliver were the first mentors Erin and I had. Unfortunately we didn’t meet with them until we’d been arguing for a while. And we didn’t ask for their help —we were so dysfunctional the Olivers had to step into our lives. It all began because we needed groceries.
We were living in Englewood, Colorado, and I was, ironically, a graduate student in counseling at Denver Seminary. Talk about the blind leading the blind!
One afternoon Erin left our apartment to shop, and Carrie just happened to call. I picked up the phone and said hello.
“Hi, Greg,” Carrie said. “Is Erin there?”
I was depressed, distracted, and distant because I’d been working and she’d interrupted me. I managed to say, “Uh, she’s gone.”
There was a long silence. Then Carrie said, “Greg, I am so sorry. We’ve been so worried about you two. Are you going to be okay?”
Her question confused me. “What are you talking about?” I asked. “Erin is at King Soopers market.”
There was a long pause, long enough for even an ox like me to figure out that Carrie had thought I’d meant that Erin was gone —as in stuffed a suitcase and left me.
Carrie said, “Greg, I think you two need to come over to our house tonight. Gary and I have been meaning to talk to you for a long time.”
Apparently our marriage issues were obvious enough to have caused the Olivers distress and concern about the stability of our relationship. I was embarrassed but also relieved. I loved and respected the Olivers, and their marriage was what I wanted ours to be like.
We all four met in their living room, and the Olivers began to mentor Erin and me in how to love each another. For the first time Erin and I had a couple to talk to, to share our problems with in a real, honest, and straightforward manner.
If your marriage is strong, even if all the circumstances in your life . . . are filled with trouble and weakness, it won’t matter. You will be able to move out into the world in strength.
Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage
Over three years, Erin and I watched them as carefully as movie critic evaluates a film. Each day the Olivers gave us a new take on life, a new scene from which to gather insight. We not only learned about marriage and how to have an intimate, spiritual relationship, but we also learned about parenting and how to be coworkers. Their example created a dream for us: we began believing we could get along well enough to speak at marriage events together and to counsel other couples together.
I also met alone with Gary. We jogged together, and he would tell me just what it meant to be a husband. He was always a good listener, but he would never tolerate my griping about Erin. Instead he would recommend ways for me to change, saying things like, “Here’s the attitude you need to have when you interact with Erin.” Over the decades, he has consistently prayed for me and has texted, emailed, and phoned me with encouragement.
The Olivers’ calling was to pour into us, and when Carrie was diagnosed with cancer, Erin and I had a chance to pour into them —to give back. We encouraged them, brought them meals, prayed for and with them, and after Carrie died, we supported Gary as he mourned.
A mentor couple fills a role similar to the role the apostle Paul brought to the early church. He provided insight, wisdom, and acted as an inspiration to others. He was a shepherd to the members of several new churches.[4] Erin and I call mentor couples “Paul Couples” for that reason.
A mentor couple is typically an older, experienced husband and wife who can offer great wisdom because they have already walked the same road as a younger couple. The older couple provides mentorship and invests in the younger couple’s relationship through faithful prayer and godly advice.
2. Peer Encouragers
When Erin and I lived in La Mirada, California, I was attending the Rosemead School of Psychology at Biola University. Taylor was an infant. Erin was working as a nurse, picking up night shifts. Erin recalls our peer encouragers:
We had two couples who were our friends during the Rosemead years. They were my lifeline. Because I worked night shifts, I had a lopsided schedule, but they still made the effort to hang out with us. It wasn’t a formalized small group, but they were a salve that Greg and I needed. We could actually enjoy time with each other when we were with these friends. During this time, our marriage didn’t improve much, but it was at least stabilized somewhat by the influence of our friends.
One couple, Alisa and Chris Grace, had two kids, providing Taylor with playmates close to her age. Alisa especially supported and validated me as a mom. Being with her reinforced in my heart that I did have something to offer as a mother and as a wife.
The second couple, Chip and Rebecca Dickens, didn’t have kids when we met, but we were friends with them during the pregnancy of their first child. I also had the honor of being their assistant nurse when baby Josh was born. That was one way in which I hope they were encouraged by my friendship; I felt as if I was giving rather than always taking. They were “behind” us on the baby thing, but Chip was already an undergraduate professor, and we saw how well he and Rebecca supported each other.
The Graces and the Dickenses were a sounding board for us. We were on a life journey together. We watched them interact and learned that not all couples argued like we did. Alisa, especially, was a good example. Chris is a funny guy like Greg. But she has a more tenderhearted and calm spirit than I do. By watching her, I learned that it was possible not to be so reactive and critical.
The peer couples whom you cultivate as friends should be in the same season of life. They usually have been married roughly the same number of years and/or have children of similar ages. Erin and I call peer couples “Barnabas Couples” on life’s journey. These couples offer regular encouragement and friendship, such as Barnabas did for the apostle Paul and the early church.[5]
3. Younger Friends or Couples
For more than a decade, I’ve invested in the life of a friend named Jackson Dunn. I met Jackson at John Brown University.
[Spiritual leadership is] knowing where God wants people to be and taking the initiative to use God’s methods to get them there in reliance on God’s power.
John Piper, Desiring God
Let me tell you one reason Jackson is the right type to be my mentee: he can appreciate a good prank. The first time he went hiking with me and the kids, he passed the Smalley “can you take a joke?” test. On this warm and humid summer day, we planned to take my Ford Explorer Sport Trac into the hills. The kids —Taylor, Murphy, and Garrison —graciously offered Jackson the coveted front passenger seat, but before Jackson sat down, I tripped the seat-warmer button, which is tucked way under the seat, hiding the telltale glow that it’s been turned on.
As we drove along the highway and chatted, I would occasionally glance at Jackson. I almost felt sorry for him. It was morning, and he had the east-facing window, which left him open to the blaring sun. He was dressed in black too, so his clothes were absorbing heat. Sweat dribbled down his temples, and he was wiping it off with his sleeve. He would constantly put his hand on the air vent, checking to make sure the AC hadn’t gone off. In the back seat, the kids were giggling, barely able to ward off all-out guffaws.
Some day you will find out that there is far more happiness in another’s happiness than in your own.
Honoré de Balzac, Père Goriot
After we stopped at the trailhead and parked, Jackson quickly hopped out of the car. By then we Smalleys couldn’t hide our secret any longer.
“Did you notice you’re the only one sweating?” I asked.
Curious, Jackson glanced at each of our faces. “Yeah,” he said, “it was hot in there even though the air conditioner was going.”
As the kids burst into laughter, I showed him the button and confessed the secret. He smiled and politely laughed, revealing the unflappable class and graciousness that are hallmarks of his character.
Since that day, Jackson and I have done ministry together. We’re bonded by a common cause, to fight for biblical marriage in a hedonistic culture. He and I worked at the Center for Healthy Relationships under Gary Oliver. And in 2011 when I joined the staff at Focus on the Family, he came to Focus with me as the director of the marriage department.
Over the years, Jackson and his wife Krista have become some of our closest friends and our families have many shared memories.
Hiking with Jackson, working alongside him, praying with him, worshiping with him, watching him parent, leaning on him —I’m sure I’ve grown more through our relationship than he has.
Recently, Jackson left his position as my right-hand man. I am torn. In one respect I know God is leading him to a new workplace where Jackson’s talents and gift will be developed. But for now, our day-to-day friendship is over, and I’ll miss him. Our fellowship, however, will remain strong because we have a shared vision, one that Jackson will carry with him throughout his life.
It’s amazing how much you will receive when you mentor a younger person or couple. Jackson isn’t my only mentee. Erin and I have reached out to other individuals and couples at our marriage seminars, and we’ve grown closer as a result. If you and your spouse work as a team to help others, you’ll become much more relationally aware, improve your own communication skills, and grow closer to each other. Your marriage will become stronger as you reach outward in fellowship.
These younger friends are individuals or couples who are at least five years younger, perhaps even an engaged couple who are looking for mentorship. This type of mentor-mentee relationship is defined in Titus 2:3-5. Older women are to “teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.” There’s no reason that men shouldn’t likewise teach younger guys how to love their wives, raise godly children, and live the Christian life.
FELLOWSHIP OF THE CHURCH
I’m an introvert, so when Erin suggests I go with her to parties or dinners, I go only because I want to share the experience with her. But when an opportunity arises to join a group of other likeminded couples who want to support our marriage, I’m all in.
Couple friends can offer much-needed spiritual support during difficult times as well as in our times of celebration. This biblical model is described in Proverbs 17:17: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Close friends give each other the encouragement needed to keep going, as well as a shoulder to cry on, or what I need sometimes —a kick in the proverbial pants.
I find that when Erin and I are close to other couples, we are often on our best behavior. We find ourselves more engaged in conversation, sharing stories from our past, describing why we found each other to be attractive in the first place. When we display our best selves for friends, at the same time we draw closer, rekindling those early, passionate feelings of admiration and attraction.
When we display our best selves for friends, at the same time we draw closer.
Ever since we got married, Erin has found friendship and support through structured Bible studies led by married women. “I was new to discipleship. I loved going to Bible studies where the women would affirm me and teach me spiritual principles. Those women and those studies kept me going. I learned that God created me to have strengths; I was valuable.”
TRANSPARENCY IS KEY TO FELLOWSHIP
Remember, there is one fundamental key to experiencing the many benefits of sharing your marriage journey with others, of having community. It depends on your willingness to self-disclose —becoming vulnerable by revealing your deepest thoughts, fears, beliefs, feelings, dreams, goals, failures, and struggles.
The apostle Paul cared for the church community in Thessolonica so much that he wrote, “We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well” (1 Thessalonians 2:8).
Isn’t being real worth the risk of being discovered —found out as flawed and human, just like everybody else? Yet all too often, we are threatened by the thought of being honest about our inner lives and our personal challenges. We have trouble living out James 5:16, and confessing our sins. We choose to hold up a smiling mask and try to convey that everything in our world is just fine, thank you. Why is it hard to be transparent when the rewards are so clear?
What makes it difficult for many of us to be transparent?
For some, the fear of not being accepted is paralyzing. Experiences going back to early childhood can leave scars that prevent the trust necessary for full and open disclosure.
Often the issue is real-life demands of children or aging parents —or both —on our time and energy, leaving little space for transparent relationships. A draining job or a financial struggle might take away the motivation and drive of one or both partners in a marriage, causing them to switch into survival mode and focus on the home front only.
Personalities weigh into the issue of developing relationships as well. While some seek the thrill of connection, others find it a struggle to maintain multiple relationships and prefer time alone in order to recharge. Yet sometimes the best networkers are more comfortable with superficial relationships, while classic introverts can share deeply with a few people in their lives. Each individual has his or her own experience with transparency, and it is more difficult for some than others.
Answering God’s call as a couple can bring new life to a marriage relationship.
Regardless of how both members of a couple are wired as individuals, Christians are called to reach out to help others —to encourage one another daily (Hebrews 3:13). Answering God’s call as a couple can bring new life to a marriage relationship, in spite of challenges.
WHERE AND HOW TO CONNECT IN YOUR COMMUNITY
Look around in your own world to discover the calling and connections God may have for you today.
If you think about your world as a series of concentric circles, you’ll discover a wealth of opportunities for building relationships together:
- Start with your neighborhood and local schools if your children are attending there. Consider how you can meet your neighbors and share life with them regularly. Look for even the most basic connecting points such as book clubs and volunteer activities.
- Your church likely offers multiple opportunities to connect with people of all ages and discover the divine appointments God has already set for you.
- Workplace relationships form a natural bridge to building trust and growing closer to others —those who share a similar background and those who may be very different from you.
- If you have a specific, shared passion, seek out regional volunteer activities and discover the broader world of relationships your community provides.
- Finally, consider opportunities to get involved with others nationally and internationally through global outreach such as mission trips, worthy causes, and healthy social media activities.
TWENTY-ONE WAYS TO INVEST IN ANOTHER COUPLE’S MARRIAGE
As we noted, meeting regularly with another couple in a mentoring relationship is a great way to invest in building marriages. But there are a host of other ways you can encourage couples around you as well. Some involve simple gestures, others will require a little effort. Scan the following list for creative ideas about how you and your spouse can help build stronger marriages in your church, neighborhood, and community.
- Organize a progressive dinner for couples on your street.
- Meet with an engaged couple to go through a marriage preparation book together.
- You and your spouse bring dessert, flowers, or a small care package to welcome a new couple into the neighborhood.
- Start a couples’ book club.
- Invite another couple on a double-date with you, seasoning your time together with marriage-building conversation.
- Volunteer to lead a Sunday school class for young married couples.
- Invite a couple that doesn’t attend church to attend with you.
- Invite another couple to attend an upcoming marriage conference with you.
- Mentor a less-experienced couple by meeting once a month for the next year.
- Offer to babysit for a cash-strapped couple with young children so they can enjoy an evening out by themselves.
- If you’re aware of another couple’s anniversary, send them a card and maybe a small gift to celebrate the occasion.
- Form friendships with other spouses of your gender in your neighborhood and encourage them in their marriages. Share some tea or coffee or invite the person to a fun outing. Offer a safe haven, a listening ear, and a reassuring voice.
- Organize an event at your church to honor couples who have reached fifty years or another significant milestone, and give them an opportunity to share their stories and lessons learned.
- Pay for an online relationship assessment for a couple considering marriage.
- Spearhead a marriage mentoring ministry at your church (with your pastor’s blessing), perhaps pairing each newly married couple with a more experienced one.
- Give a marriage devotional book as a Christmas present.
- Host an engagement party to celebrate the event for a couple who has taken that step toward marriage.
- Help organize a Valentine’s Day celebration at your church.
- Be spontaneous! Invite another couple for an impromptu backyard barbecue or to join you at the movies that evening.
- Trade houses with another couple for a weekend as a cheap get-away.
- Look for opportunities to compliment couples you know for the way they demonstrate love for one another.
We all have a responsibility to help build a community of support and encouragement for our own marriages and for other couples as well. Never forget, “Marriage should be honored by all” (Hebrews 13:4). Start by setting aside special time together to brainstorm your own ideas as a couple about where you can best begin.
HELP ONE ANOTHER THROUGH THE FIERY TRIALS
Music artist Plumb, aka Tiffany Arbuckle Lee, tells how Christian fellowship helped hold her marriage together after Jeremy, her husband, sent her a text message saying he was leaving —and her world went black.
The only true thing of beauty during this winter was how our community held us up. All those friends who had been with us since our dating days, rallied around us . . . Two days after [Jeremy] left me, forty of our closest friends gathered in the chapel we were married in to pray for us. They held us up in prayer, then in the following weeks and months ahead held us up physically with calls, food, babysitting, and more prayers.[7]
The next time you’re at a wedding, remember the Council of Elrond. The couple who is getting married is going to face hardships, and like Tiffany and Jeremy Lee, they may need your help if their marriage is facing death. Join the couple’s “fellowship of the wedding rings” when the person officiating asks, and say, “We do.”
Remember to visit crazylittlethingcalledmarriage.com to find the bonus material: the marriage assessment, the twelve date night ideas, and the discussion questions.