ROMANCE SECRET #3
TRUE LOVE STRIVES TO KNOW AND BE KNOWN
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
—1 Corinthians 13:12
I knew from the instant this couple walked into my office that the husband and wife were estranged. The wife —thirty-something years old —sat on the couch, set down her purse, and smoothed her blouse. She looked around at the antique sports equipment hanging on the walls in approval. Then she offered me a halfhearted smile. But she never once glanced at her husband.
The husband was in a gray suit as if just from the office. Tentatively he sat on the other end of the couch, then he leaned sideways toward his wife.
She turned her head away and lifted up her palm like a shield.
The man pivoted on the couch and faced me.
“Greg,” he said, “things aren’t so great at home. I can’t figure her out. Maybe she’ll talk to you.”
I got the wife’s attention and asked for her perspective.
“That man is never home,” the wife began.
(Marriage Counseling 101 tip #1: it’s not good when a wife calls her husband “that man.”)
“That’s not true!” the husband shouted.
(Marriage Counseling 101 tip #2: it’s not good when couples shout at each other.)
The wife cut him an intimidating glance. “And when he is, he’s doing something on the computer.”
“A guy’s got to work,” he said.
She rolled her eyes. “There’s golf on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Racquetball on Fridays with the office guys. Monday he volunteers at the courthouse. Wednesday he’s home, but he stays in the garage working on his hobbies and projects. Sundays are all filled with church activities and family.”
Astute counselor that I am, I ventured, “So, communication’s not that good.”
The husband jumped up. “You can say that again.” He turned toward his wife, pointing a finger, then shaking it in rage. “She won’t even speak to me! Not. One. Word!” He flicked the finger with every syllable.
I gave her a quizzical look. “Is that true?”
The woman nodded.
“Why not?” I asked.
She shrugged and said, “Momma always told me, ‘Never talk to strangers.’”
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the opening to a sitcom about marriage woes. This exaggerated anecdote is based on a sad reality I see in real counseling situations: many couples don’t know each other. They’re roommates or business partners. It would be a lot less expensive for them if they learned to talk to one another without a counselor to mediate. And I’m not only referring to the cost of an office fee —there’s also a high emotional price to be paid when spouses don’t communicate well.
A 2013 survey of one hundred mental health professionals revealed the following:
- “Communication problems” was the most common complaint leading to divorce, followed by the “inability to resolve conflict” (65 and 43 percent, respectively).
- Seventy percent of men blamed nagging and/or complaining as the top contributing factor.
- A close second for men (60 percent) was a spouse “not expressing sufficient appreciation.”
- Eighty-three percent of women noted that “a lack of validation for their feelings and opinions” contributed to divorce.
- Fifty-six percent blamed “their spouse not listening or talking about himself too much.”[1]
THE MEDIA ROMANCE FORMULA
Couples in trouble often don’t know how to communicate. They picked up bad habits somewhere —either from their families or from the culture. In literature and in the movies, couples often begin a relationship by offering each other insults or demeaning, witty one-liners —this was true even of characters in older works such as Beatrice and Benedick in Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing and Elizabeth Bennet and Fitzwilliam Darcy in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. Those couples are so popular their quarrels are relived in modern performances. For example, Mr. Darcy has battled Lizzy in at least ten onscreen versions of Pride and Prejudice since 1938.[2]
Grant that I may not so much seek to be understood, as to understand.
St. Francis of Assisi, “The Prayer of Saint Francis”
After the sparring wanes, miscommunication becomes the turning point of the romance plot. The mix-up leads to either comedy or drama —sometimes both. Who can forget the tension between big-city Melanie and the redneck husband who refuses to divorce her in Sweet Home Alabama? Or the not-so-well-kept secrets that spill out in movies such as Twilight (“Honey, I’m a vampire”), Shrek (“Honey, I’m an ogress”), or What Women Want (“Honey, I’m the guy who’s sabotaging your marketing career”). And how about those two rival booksellers unknowingly engaged in an online romance in You’ve Got Mail?
The audience waits for the tender scene in which emotional vulnerabilities are offered —the significant piece of personal revelation that allows the lover-in-waiting to hope. Movies would like you to believe that a person has to lower his or her guard just once, then the couple has a brief emotional exchange, and voilà, love blossoms like cherry trees in spring!
At the movies, the onlookers cheer for the couple once they unite, because everything is now supposed to be perfect and all misconceptions are cleared up. The man and woman, once avowed of each other’s love, will never have a moment of miscommunication; they’ll instinctively think each other’s thoughts. All the facades, emotional barriers, and pretentions are forever torn down. No more trust issues or fear. The man and woman will be in one accord in home decorating, theology, sleep habits, childrearing priorities, and, the largest hurdle: finances. And certainly no problems in the bedroom.
Those cultural concepts are not sustainable long-term. Quarreling breaks down trust and isolates couples. Self-revelation is not a one-time process like cracking an egg. You must continually peel away the onionskin of self, offering each layer to your spouse, even if it stings. If you try to communicate like the couples in a movie-made romance, you’ll soon find yourself cast in a tragedy.
Don’t try those communication techniques at home.
LETTING GO OF THE LIE
Then why is communicating with someone you love so difficult? Why does the human heart cling to the Hollywood lies and pay at the box office to see those myths perpetuated?
I believe it’s because men and women were created for community, to be known intimately, to feel understood and still be desired. That’s the true part. The fallacy is that communication is easy, a one-hundred-minute, full-color fix. Couples want the process to be effortless, and instead it’s often the most difficult work they’ve ever faced.
You and your spouse will never be able to read each other’s minds; however, you can know and be known intimately. This is better than reading minds because learning to know and be known forces us to become better spouses —and better people —in myriad ways.
Men and women were created for community, to be known intimately, to feel understood and still be desired.
Once you’ve established that you’re committed to God, your marriage, and to each other, a safe environment is built for trust and communication to deepen. Communication is what holds relationships together.
BLOOD AND MORTAR
Remember the home-temple example from Ephesians 2:19-22? Married couples share a temple for two, built on the cornerstone of Christ. As you picture that, mentally add building stones that are held fast by mortar. If the stones are loose, the home will not be up to code. Think of good communication as the mortar that keeps you close. Psychologist Amy Bellows commented:
Communication is the mortar that holds a relationship together —if it breaks down, the relationship will crumble. When spouses no longer communicate, a marriage nurtures no one. It is no longer a marriage.[3]
Another way to look at good communication in marriage comes from the study of biology. Communication is the lifeblood of a marriage. Blood is responsible for supplying oxygen and transporting nutrients to the far regions of the body. It also fights off infection.
Without communication, a marriage will suffocate.
Without communication, a marriage will starve.
Without communication, disease will run rampant in your relationship.
Without the blood of healthy communication, your marriage is as lifeless as a statue of Elvis in a wax museum.
COUPLES COMMUNICATION
There’s an entire field of psychology that studies gender differences, and the gaps in male-female communication in particular are given close scrutiny. In fact, even the gender definitions of the concept clash: Women define communication as opening their heart, delving deeply into feelings, and exploring thoughts and emotions with their spouse. Men see it as scratching out a short note before suddenly disappearing to go fishing with the boys.
The gender differences between men and women make communication challenging because, in general, members of each gender have their own goals. And those goals often conflict.
Men
Men usually have a specific conversation goal (notice the singularity of purpose). They typically utilize talking as purposeful action. In my experience, and others agree,[4] men use communication to get to the root of a problem as quickly as possible.
A husband might see little need to speak unless there is a specific intention behind it:
- a point that needs to be made
- a problem to solve
- a decision to make
- something that needs to be fixed
The masculine gender, as a rule, focuses on facts and seeks immediate resolutions. Men don’t always like to make eye contact when talking and may prefer to walk beside their spouse or to sit in the car and talk where they are shoulder to shoulder. For many men, face-to-face conversation with eye contact is an adversarial posture, and it feels uncomfortable in a marriage relationship setting.[5]
Surprisingly, the stereotype of the talkative woman and the tight-lipped man isn’t based on empirical data. Here’s a synopsis of a thorough study by Dr. Matthias Mehl of the University of Arizona psychology department:
On average, women speak 16,215 words per day and men speak 15,669 words per day . . . However, Dr. Mehl says that the mean is not the best descriptor of this distribution —the distribution for this study was huge. One person used an estimated 795 words on average per day . . . while another used almost 47,000 words (both the least and the most talkative participants were men). However, the distributions were normal for both sexes and averaged out to have no statistical difference.[6]
It really doesn’t matter how many words other men speak per day or whether Mars and Venus have differing communication orbits. What does matter is that you and your spouse understand each other’s preferred communication style. Men, plan to discuss with your wife the ways in which you feel most comfortable talking about relationship topics. Answer the following questions for starters:
- What makes you feel most comfortable while talking about important issues?
- Which settings are best: kitchen, bedroom, living room, outdoors, restaurants, or inside the car?
- What time of day: early, lunch, dinner, or later in the evening?
- Which timeframe is closest to your comfort zone for discussing personal issues: two minutes, twenty minutes, or two hours?
- How can your wife let you know that she has understood your viewpoints and preferences? This doesn’t mean she agrees with you, but that she can explain your perspective.
Women
Women’s goals for conversation are intimacy and connection (note the dual purposes).[7] They see conversation as an act of sharing, as a way to release negative feelings, and as an opportunity to increase intimacy with their husband.
Wives communicate for the following reasons:
- to discover how they are feeling and share the information
- to identify what it is they want to say
- to talk about problems extensively
- to find common experiences
The feminine talker loves to look deeply into her husband’s eyes. Coffee shop conversations or chats at a small restaurant table are perfect for intimate conversation.[8]
Misfortunate Miscue
We were on our way to watch Garrison’s basketball team play in a championship game on a Saturday afternoon. Everyone was loaded into our van, which has one of those keyless ignition switches where you simply push a button to start your vehicle. Since we had arrived ten minutes early, I dropped off the family in front of the gym. I then told Erin that I was going to drive down the street to the bank and make a deposit —I’d be killing two birds with one stone!
Erin tried to give me some instructions about the keyless ignition system and the fact that she couldn’t find the remote. Honestly, I just wanted to get to the bank and back before the game started. So I really discounted her caution. I raced to the bank, turned the van off, and hustled inside.
Everything was working perfectly until I got back into the van and pushed the ignition button. Nothing! Instead of a mighty V-6 motor revving to life, all I got was a dashboard message that said, “Ignition key not recognized.” Then it dawned on me that —just perhaps —this is what Erin was trying to tell me when I drove off in the middle of her instructions. I looked at my watch; it was about five minutes before tip-off!
My only real option was to lock up the van and start jogging. I instantly encountered several problems. Garrison’s gym was more than a mile away, I was wearing flip-flops, and it had been about two years since I’d gone jogging!
Needless to say, I arrived at the basketball game late and sore. When I found Erin and the rest of my family, I was sweating profusely.
“Why are you so late?” Erin asked, smirking. “And I can only imagine why you are sweating?”
“I had to run all the way from the bank,” I explained.
Erin seemed to instantly recognize the problem. “You turned off the ignition, didn’t you?” she asked, smiling. “That’s what I was trying to explain when you drove off.”
In hindsight, I was so focused on getting my task completed in a hurry that I wasn’t able to slow down and listen. Because Erin was annoyed that I devalued her advice, she wasn’t invested enough to make sure I understood her.
Don’t let this happen to you.
Wives, help your spouse understand your communication preferences by answering the list in the previous section, swapping out the word wife with husband.
LONG-DISTANCE LIMITS
It’s good to set expectations on other forms of communication too. Early in our marriage, Erin would feel overwhelmed whenever I traveled. She was exhausted from keeping up with the house and small kids, so she would call me to vent. She’d say things such as, “You’ve been traveling too much,” and “At least you got a full night’s sleep!”
In those early days, I’d try to reason her out of her frustration. I’d say things such as, “We agreed to do this,” “I don’t have a choice —what do you want me to do?” and “I’m here, and it’s not helping me to hear you complain.” I was trying to condition her into a calm response, like training one of Pavlov’s dogs. But Erin wasn’t up for being conditioned. She was resisting my pleas as a cat would, which is to say flat-out ignoring my overtures for understanding.
One day our conversation got so heated, I hung up on her.
That didn’t go over well.
Eventually I called her back, and she said my comments left her feeling invalidated. She explained that she didn’t need me to “fix it” or justify myself —she just needed to talk to someone about how difficult things were when she was alone.
So I listened. And I listened some more. Over the months, my listening did nothing to help her or me. I felt helpless —trapped between my job responsibilities and my family ones. I didn’t see any purpose to the calls, and they were draining me emotionally at a time when I needed to stay energized for my audience.
Finally I began to say things like this: “You deserve to have me look you in the eyes, so we need to work this out when I get home, when we can be face to face. I love you, and we’re on the same team.” We slowly turned the long-distance communication corner.
The first duty of love is to listen.
Paul Tillich, German theologian
Now we’ve learned that those phone calls and Skype appointments should be about pursuing each other emotionally and bolstering the relationship. We leave problem solving and venting for a time when I’m home and we can actually come to satisfying agreements.
A IN ADMINISTRATION, F IN RELATIONSHIP
Coming to terms with technology will always be an issue —especially since we Americans are administrators and our gadgets help us. (Soon there will be an app to translate from male to female and back again.)
But think about it. Cell phones are loaded with the ultimate administration apps to coordinate calendars, carpools, and credit card accounts. Couples all over the world stuff their life information into a tiny computer to prioritize and manage their time.
Then, when couples sit down to have a conversation with their spouses, they administrate their marriages almost to death. They discuss the house, work, the kids, school, shopping, budgeting, car maintenance, elder care, church, doctor appointments, vacations . . .
This is a huge problem for the couples I counsel. Erin and I are not immune. We continually battle against letting administration overtake our time together. At night, instead of asking the important questions, such as how this day went or how the events affected us, we sometimes plan the next day’s activities. If we let administration run rampant, we run into trouble.
For men, this type of administrative, facts-based communication fits with their purpose-driven communication style. For women, the organized and praised Proverbs 31 woman is in her glory, talking about her vast responsibilities and how to accomplish them. In the workplace or other task-centered places, this transactional style of communication works well. And, in fact, marriages need administrative communication. Real and practical concerns press down on every couple.
If we let administration run rampant, we run into trouble.
But when marriages get stuck in administration, it’s like mixing too much sand into the communication mortar, causing it to crumble. If you are content with the impersonal nature of your discussions, you might as well be married to an overseas administrative assistant you hired via the Internet.
Right now, Erin is planning a trip to China and taking our two oldest daughters with her. That will leave me with a book manuscript deadline, two kids who need a chauffeur, and a whole lot of appointments because it’s back-to-school time. Erin and I are being pulled into an administrative vortex. And if we’re not careful, we won’t be able to share the hopes and expectations we had for this special graduation/birthday trip for the girls. We’ll be more concerned with speech-therapy appointments and who is going to bring our youngest daughter home from school every day than how our fears, dreams, and spiritual lives are driving our emotions and actions.
Erin and I have developed habits —almost rituals —that push us past the administration and into the heart of the issues.
NOW HEAR THIS!
The first habit we learned was to listen. In the third century BC, Greek historian Diogenes came up with a helpful observation. He humorously pointed out that, “We have two ears and only one mouth so that we would listen the more and talk the less.”[13]
Despite the numerical advantage, the ears of married couples are often off duty. When you do carve out time for real conversation, be careful none of it is lost. Disagreements and conflict result from lost information (and we’ll discuss those at length in the next chapter), but poor listening also creates emotional distance. If communication ceases, if you share your soul and don’t feel heard, isolation fills the silence and the relationship cools in the emotional vacuum.
The best way —the only way —for you to make sure you’ve heard your spouse (and this isn’t rocket science) is to repeat what he or she has told you. Psychologists call it reflection. And, yes, until you get the hang of it, the words spill out awkwardly, like your tongue feels after you’ve bitten it too hard. Initially you’ll feel a bit patronizing, perhaps even like an imbecile. But here’s what one leadership expert tells students who complain that repeating sounds phony:
Skilled listeners know that tactfully showing that you have heard what someone has said by reflecting it back to them requires creativity, and they’ve had to practice creative paraphrasing and reflecting to become good at it. Yes, the process of learning how to use reflecting can be awkward for people who are inexperienced with it. However, be very careful not to avoid practicing and learning a skill just because you’re concerned that you will not immediately be proficient. It’s better to develop communication skills over time, despite the possible awkward stage, than to completely avoid developing those skills due to a fear of the initial awkwardness.[14]
A little awkwardness (okay, more than a little sometimes) is worth it in order to hear the heart of your loved one. You’ll find it even helps with simple activities like getting to the school play on time or remembering your spouse’s bowling shoe size.
CULTIVATE A SAFE ENVIRONMENT
Another communication habit we’ve developed is creating emotional safety. This process is essential to maintaining open communication. This goes well beyond putting the cell phone away and looking your spouse in the eyes to establish connection. It means your spouse feels free to open up and reveal who he or she really is —to share his or her deepest feelings, thoughts, hopes, and dreams. And you know that your spouse will listen, understand, validate, and unconditionally accept you.
Avoid Value Judgments
One way to create this safe environment is to avoid making value judgments. Here’s how not to respond . . .
A man I know had an argument with his wife every Saturday morning around 8:30. After the trashcans were emptied by the city garbage collectors, the wife, Isabel, would want them dragged back behind the fence. And she wanted it done “right now.”
Grant, the husband, wanted to sleep in and “connect” with his wife on the lazy weekend mornings. Having either one of them rise and shine to hide the garbage cans spoiled the mood.
Their arguments moved from ridicule to insults.
He said: “What’s the big deal if the cans stay on the curb an extra hour? I can’t believe you let a little thing like that bother you.”
She said: “Why can’t you just get up and move them? I knew you didn’t care about me.”
He said: “Now you’re just being ridiculous.”
She said: “You’re so insensitive.”
And so on.
The problem was that Isabel valued having her home look neat and tidy; it reflected on her personally. Those ugly, empty trashcans sitting by the street made her feel shame, as if she were disrespecting the neighbors. Grant was left feeling rejected and unloved. He couldn’t imagine why moving those trashcans was more important to Isabel than spending time with him.
They did have to move the trashcans, but the arguments about it were out of control and left emotional garbage that wasn’t so easy to dispose of.
To create a safe space, avoid “judging” your spouse’s thoughts, feelings and opinions. Don’t say things like . . .
- You’re so sensitive.
- Your feelings are wrong.
- That’s ridiculous. You shouldn’t feel that way.
- It’s no big deal. Why do you get so emotional?
- It’s just your time of the month!
- Lighten up. You’re overreacting.
- You’re so dramatic. Your emotions are out of control.
- You’re crazy! That’s not how you really feel.
- Can’t you take a joke?
- Relax. Stop freaking out!
- You are not being very rational.
- It’s nothing to get upset over. You shouldn’t let it bother you.
- You should be over that by now.
Validate
Instead of judging your spouse, communicate that his or her heart and emotions are important to you, regardless of whether you agree or they make sense. When you validate your spouse, you respect, value, and accept your spouse’s heart —his or her deep thoughts, opinions, ideas, beliefs, and emotions. Validation creates emotional safety.
Grant could have said, “I know it’s important to you to have a nice home. I respect your desire to fit in with the neighbors. But it’s important to me to have uninterrupted time with you, and we get so little of it. I love you and desire to be near you.”
Isabel could have said, “I love you and appreciate that you work hard and want to unwind on Saturdays. It means a lot to me that you value our private time together when we’re not stressed. But I’m distracted by the responsibility to move the trashcans, and it’s not easy to relax if they’re out there.”
Validation creates emotional safety.
Instead of insulting, which comes all too easily, try saying things like . . .
- Your feelings are important to me, but I honestly need your help to understand them.
- Can you explain where your feelings are coming from?
- I can see you’re upset. This is a big deal to you.
- You seem more agitated than the problem calls for. Is everything okay?
- Can you help me understand why you’re so upset?
- Your feelings aren’t making sense to me. I’m sorry if I made light of them.
- That happened a long time ago. It must have hurt a lot since it still bothers you.
This type of communication opens the door for the true heart to be seen, imperfections and all. Without knowing the difficult stuff, the work-in-progress information about your spouse, you can’t really know him or her at all.
KNOW AND BE KNOWN
Being known thoroughly is what Christian relationships are about —that’s the whole point of communication. Marriage is modeled after the relationship of Jesus and the Father. Here’s how Jesus describes it:
I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. (John 15:15)
First, you have to move into Jesus’ inner circle. You’re no longer on the outside —you can “know” God incarnate. In the same way, you can move into your spouse’s life and know him or her intimately. You’re in the inner circle.
From day one, I’ve been mesmerized by Erin —by her femininity, her smile, her likes, her commitment to God, her career. More than two decades later, I still feel surprised by her wonderfulness. I will continue to fuel my curiosity about her and seek to know her better every day.
In “Romance Secret #5: True Love Honors,” we’ll talk more about how to rediscover your true love and stay current by regularly updating your knowledge of your spouse. There is great joy in rediscovering aspects of your mate’s heart and mind.
Too often husbands and wives are afraid to put their feelings and thoughts into words
In “Romance Secret #11: True Love Looks Inward,” the value of being known by your spouse will be addressed. For now it’s enough to realize that part of committing to marriage means to offer yourself and to be vulnerable. Too often husbands and wives are afraid to put their feelings and thoughts into words and have them evaluated, perhaps unkindly.
This process of self-revelation —peeling away the onion of self —can be particularly painful, especially if you had difficult experiences in the past, or if you learned to be reserved as you watched your parents and peers. Express your thoughts and feelings fully. Share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse as well.
Be Fully Known
A couple of years ago, I went on a road trip with two of my friends from college (let’s call them Frank and Geoff). As the miles flew by, we also caught up on the milestones in each other’s lives. Suddenly, Frank started a conversation about affairs. He was riding shotgun, turned to me, and asked point-blank: “Greg, have you ever had an affair?”
I answered, “No, man. I take my wife or a family member with me whenever I travel. I don’t want that to happen to me.”
Frank turned all the way around to face Geoff, who was sitting in the back seat. “What about you?” Frank asked. “Have you ever had an affair?”
A strange and awkward silence rode along with us for the rest of the trip.
Later Geoff and I discussed his affair, which was far in the past. I was the first person he’d ever told. I encouraged him to tell his wife.
Of course, Geoff’s first reactions to my suggestion were jumbled: He wanted to let sleeping dogs lie —in Vegas if at all possible. He didn’t want to hurt his wife, even though he knew he already had. He wanted to avoid poking a hornet’s nest, to not ask and to not tell. He wanted to cover up and hide his Bathsheba debacle. But Geoff also knew the principle in Luke 12:2, “There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known.”
Everything about a healthy marital union on this earthly plane has been designed by God to be a reflection of the interaction that we are meant to have with God Himself.
David Kyle Foster, The Divine Marriage
Geoff decided to come clean, which allowed his wife to know what had previously been concealed. As you can imagine, the process was as close to emotional torture as you can get without a water bucket. But Geoff recently told me that he and his wife are emotionally and spiritually closer. She was able to forgive, to reconcile. And they now know each other more intimately than ever before.
I mentioned that communication is like blood. Sometimes you have to bleed a bit to be understood, to be fully known. There’s an old saying that sums it up well: “It is sometimes essential for a husband and a wife to quarrel —they get to know each other better.”[15] This idea leads us into the next relationship tool, “Romance Secret #4: True Love Fights for Peace.”
Be sure to visit crazylittlethingcalledmarriage.com for date night ideas.