ROMANCE SECRET #4
TRUE LOVE FIGHTS FOR PEACE
For as churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood,
so stirring up anger produces strife.
—Proverbs 30:33
Remember the last day of our Hawaiian honeymoon? Erin and I were at a secluded beautiful waterfall, and she wouldn’t join me in the water. My words, “You’ve just ruined the honeymoon,” wrenched Erin’s heart. That’s when Hurricane O (Our First Fight) blew in.
As promised, here’s her version of the storm:
The NO SWIMMING sign posted near the water meant nothing to him. In his world of perpetual fun and adventure, caution signs like that don’t exist, and if they do, they’re ignored.
First, I’m a nurse, and following rules is something nursing school drills into you. A NO SWIMMING sign means just that: NO SWIMMING. All sorts of health risks could have been lurking in that water: leeches, pathogenic protozoa, piranhas.
Second, I’m a person who thinks through my actions. What if by swimming we were disturbing the breeding ground of some rare fish or an endangered salamander? What if the area was off limits because too many swimmers had already compromised the ecosystem?
And I respect other people’s property. What if this waterfall and pond were on private property, and the owner just didn’t want people swimming there? That’s enough reason for me.
So when Greg heaped the blame on, I turned away and hiked back to civilized company.
This was one of the worst moments of our honeymoon. But it could have been one of the best in terms of building lasting intimacy. Why? Because it was a perfect learning situation.
RELATIONSHIP FRICTION + INSIGHT = INTIMACY INFORMATION
INTIMACY INFORMATION + HEALTHY COMMUNICATION = HAPPY MARRIAGE
It’s another one of those crazy principles of marriage that on the surface doesn’t make sense. In fact, the culture tells us that fighting in a marriage is a sign that true love has left town. But if Erin and I had been smart (insight) and talked about (healthy communication) why we both overreacted (relationship friction), we would have been healthier (happy marriage) and spared ourselves dozens of sarcasm-slinging scenarios in the months to come.
Looking back, I now see I could have gained insight about Erin’s integrity and her wisdom. She would have come to appreciate my efforts at working recreation into our lives and my ability to organize and plan special moments.
In the short term, conflict is painful and points to the fact that you don’t always understand your spouse or yourself. But if you know how to break the conflict code, you’ll be better able not only to avoid the next flare-up but also head it off at the pass and earn points in the romance department.
In the long term, you can expect conflicts and prepare for them when they “come your way” as the book of James advises:
Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. (1:2-4, NLT)
While most of us wouldn’t consider relationship friction as a joyful “opportunity,” successfully resolving a conflict will produce a happier marriage. You’re never going to like conflict, but you’ll like it better than perpetual discord.
CONFLICT VERSUS COMBAT: RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
Learning the difference between handling a conflict well and engaging in emotional combat is essential to having a healthy marriage. This means learning to settle your differences in negotiations rather than through guerilla warfare.
Erin and I believe that after your relationship with the Lord, this is one of the most important aspects of preparing for a satisfying, lifelong marriage with the flames of passion and romance never subsiding. It’s imperative that you learn how to face your differences and work through your disagreements and hurt. This requires a different mindset from winning or losing an argument —but it is still painful in the short term.
If you don’t know how to reconcile conflicts through negotiations, combat will take over and ultimately ruin your marriage. Some of the best marriage researchers can even predict with a high degree of certainty if a marriage will succeed or fail simply based on how a couple deals with conflict. If the spouses argue without ever resolving their issues or consistently avoid conflict altogether, their marriage is at risk for divorce.[1] The apostle Paul recognized this same truth when he instructed the church at Galatia, “If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other” (Galatians 5:15).
It’s not how many arguments you have, it’s how you manage them that makes all the difference. The goal is never to avoid your problems and keep peace at any price. It’s making restitution, and seeking favor with your spouse. Look out for your spouse’s needs first —and don’t delay!
It’s not how many arguments you have, it’s how you manage them that makes all the difference.
When Erin and I had our first fights, we avoided the underlying conflict. That bad habit led to a pain far deeper than the pain of arguing it out till we reconciled. It took us many months to finally get to the root of Hurricane O. We lost a lot of emotional blood along the way because the relationship wounds hadn’t been cleaned and dressed.
WHY DO WE FIGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE?
The apostle James answered that question by writing, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” (James 4:1).
As in our story about Hurricane O, arguments are rarely really about the surface issue (money, household chores, children, sex, work, leisure time, in-laws, whether to swim, etc.). These topics appear to be what’s driving the conflict, but they’re an illusion. They are about internal issues that “battle within you.”
At the Smalley house whenever someone lashes out in anger, we say our “button” got pushed. I’m sure you’ve heard the expression, “He just pushed my button” or “She is totally pushing my buttons.” Another expression refers to a light switch, meaning you suddenly change emotions: “He flipped my switch.”
Yet another way to explain the “desires within” is to liken them to a computer pop-up or launching an app that takes control of your computer for a while. Once the keyboard is struck or the mouse is clicked, you can’t stop the program until it has run its course.
All people are prone to emotional pop-ups. They’re the viruses in our psyche, the reactions that launch when you’re overly sensitive, tired, or full of anger and frustration. Your behavior is suddenly rewired by a conversation, experience, set of circumstances, or a single event. In the moment, it’s as if you were reprogrammed by an outside force, something that controlled you against your reason. And later, sometimes even in seconds, your heart locks up, leaving you emotionally drained of power.
Emotional pop-ups represent deep-seated, sensitive emotions that are easily triggered, seemingly from nowhere.
To be clear, I’m not referring to simple feelings like being mad, depressed, annoyed, worried, upset, jealous, or bored. Emotional pop-ups represent deep-seated, sensitive emotions that are easily triggered, seemingly from nowhere. Some hacker planted the app, and it’s activated without your conscious consent.
A pop-up is feeling . . .
- unloved
- disrespected
- rejected
- failed
- controlled
- abandoned
- inadequate
- devalued
- worthless
- not good enough
- invalidated
- unimportant
- misunderstood
The feelings in this list, and other emotions like them, are the “desires that battle within you” that cause conflict in a marriage. These emotional pop-ups cause the ongoing strife, not the day-to-day squabbles over money, chores, in-laws, or directions that drive conflict.
And, once this pop-up app is launched, your heart closes instantly. Let’s look at the consequences when that happens.
CLAMMING UP VERSUS MORTAL COMBAT
To clam up means to be secretive or shut tight. When a clam closes up, it tightens its muscle at the base of its shell to protect its heart. To open, a clam must feel safe enough to relax the muscle.
Keep that image of a clam in mind as we consider the closing-up or shutting-down process of the heart —an important key to understanding conflict. Over time, if a couple continues to practice unhealthy conflict, their closed hearts will eventually die to each other. A heart, like a clam, must be open to let in emotional nutrients. So clamming up can ultimately kill a marriage.
On the flip side is death by mortal combat, the “death” occurring when a heart gives out after experiencing too much battle.
Combat in marriage is just plain wrong. It’s like that classic childhood debate: Who would win in a fight —Batman or Superman? Maybe you’ve even seen the trailer for a movie based on that very premise. Batman and Superman are supposed to be on the same side, but somehow in the movie, the superheroes can’t see it. One voice of reason is Alfred, Bruce Wayne’s sage butler. He says to his employer, “You’re going to go to war. [Superman] is not our enemy.”[2] But Batman can’t hear it because of past pain and hurt.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.
Zig Ziglar, motivational speaker and author
In marriage, when conflict turns to combat, no one wins. Instead of planning and strategizing how to get what you want from your spouse, remember there’s always collateral damage (just like the destruction that happens when superheroes do battle). Unfortunately, a Fighter leaves behind a wounded spouse, every time.
Fighters are those who jump right into a conflict discussion and advocate for their own opinion, viewpoint, or perspective. Thus, Fighters spend the majority of their time in persuasion mode —defending their point of view. The problem with this reaction style is that it always sends the same message: I’m not safe for any meaningful interaction with you.
On the opposite end of the scale are the Flighters. Instead of engaging head-on, they emotionally disconnect because of their closed hearts. The film trailer shows Superman initially disappearing from public view, confused that even though he has just saved the world, politicians are questioning his motives. Like Superman, Flighters “fly” to avoid conflict or withdraw when the conversation becomes difficult.
The key trait of a Flighter is a reluctance to get into a disagreement (avoidance) or to stay with an important conversation (withdrawal). Flighters work hard to minimize conflict and believe there is little gain from getting upset. Their motto is “relax —problems have a way of working themselves out.”
In avoidance mode, Flighters may use the phrase “agree to disagree” time and time again —which means they avoid conversations they think will end in conflict. A person who chooses to disengage always sends the same message: I’m disconnecting from any meaningful interaction with you.
Whether your style is fight or flight, nothing good will ever come from unhealthy conflict because it’s the exact opposite of love. Whereas love is patient, kind, content, humble, polite, selfless, calm, and grateful, closed-heartedness generates negative reactions that drive you both apart. Sadly, when your heart is closed, God’s love is no longer flowing between you. And this is exactly where Satan wants you: loveless, disconnected and isolated.
Flighters work hard to minimize conflict and believe there is little gain from getting upset.
So, instead of staying in reaction mode when we experience conflict, how do we use the disagreement to drive us into the deepest levels of intimacy and connection? We promise it’s possible!
MANAGING CONFLICT IN HEALTHY WAYS
Think about the last time you were hurt or frustrated with your spouse, a time when your buttons were pushed, a pop-up flashed, your heart was closed and you were in reaction mode (fight or flight). Now, when you were in that state, when were you genuinely able to have a good, productive, Christ-like conversation with your spouse? Most people answer with a resounding, “Never!”
It’s almost physically impossible to compromise when you’re stirred up emotionally, your heart is closed and you’re reacting. Your heart races, your blood pressure rises, and rational thoughts are no longer possible. So how do you get your heart open again?
Over the years, we have found three simple steps that help us open our hearts and manage conflict in a healthy way.
1. Call a Time-Out
Instead of continuing to argue and debate the situation, hit the pause button. In other words, get away from each other for a brief amount of time in order to de-escalate your stirred-up emotions. This is exactly what King Solomon wrote: “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11). Instead of continuing to react (fight or flight), you want to calm down.
Some of the things that can help to de-escalate your pushed buttons and emotional pop-ups include taking some deep breaths of air, exercising, taking a walk, cleaning the house, listening to music, praying, journaling your feelings, and so on. The key is to create some space from each other and do something that will calm you down.
In the next chapter, we’ll look at one of my parents’ fights in detail. For now it’s enough to know that when my dad is frustrated with my mom, he goes to his study to unwind. There he keeps some reminders on why marriage is important. He knows he has to cleanse his emotional palate and chew on the positive rather than feed his anger.
As you create some space, make sure to let your spouse know you’re taking a time-out to get your heart back open. Tell him or her you’ll be back later to finish the discussion. This is not “withdrawing.”
Withdrawal is an extremely deadly “flight” reaction. Calling a time-out communicates you just need a short break in order to continue the conversation. The research suggests you might need at least twenty minutes to calm down after your buttons have been pushed or a pop-up takes over.
In the Smalley house, we have made it a rule that the person who calls the time-out should also be the one to initiate getting back together to talk about the conflict —but only when both hearts are open.
2. Identify Your Emotions
When we’re hurt and frustrated, our thoughts are racing with what the other person did or didn’t do. This is called stewing. We can’t stop stewing about how much we were wronged or mistreated. If we continue to think about those issues, we will stay angry.
Remember Matthew 7:3: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” If you’re going to get your heart open, you have to shift from thinking about your “brother,” which in this case is your spouse, to focusing on you. The way to make this important shift is to do what King David suggested: “In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent” (Psalm 4:4).
While you are in your time-out, start focusing on your emotions —the voice of your heart. Ask yourself, “What button just got pushed?” Or “How did that pop-up open?” You want to name the button —identify the emotion, gather intimacy information to share. This will continue to calm you down and open your heart.
You might be thinking, Whatever, Greg! Are you going to give me the chart with the little emoticons showing everything from sad to enraged enough to sleep on the couch forever? If I point to a frowny face will you give me a lollipop?
I promise I am not patronizing you! Research done at UCLA shows that simply naming what you are feeling will cause your brain activity to shift from the amygdala —your fight or flight center —to a much more rational part of the brain: the prefrontal cortex.[3]
Simply naming emotions not only begins to impact the state of your closed heart, but it also impacts what is going on in your body physiologically.
Feelings are intimacy information. Emotions are neither right nor wrong, good or bad; they’re just really helpful pieces of information. When a warning light goes off on your car’s dashboard, it’s a good idea to figure out what it means. In the same way, God created your emotions to function like your car’s warning lights. When you’re feeling something or a button has been pushed, it’s a source of great information. The amazing part is how simply putting a name to your emotions calms you down.
Armed with improved clarity about your emotions, now you’re ready for the final step.
3. Discover the Truth
Two of the biggest mistakes people make with their emotions is either to ignore them or to act upon them. Remember, emotions represent nothing more than information. But we should never mindlessly act upon any information without evaluating it first.
The best way to evaluate your emotions or feelings (the buttons or pop-ups) is to take that information to the Lord. You are searching for His truth about you and your spouse. If we try to determine the validity of our emotions and thoughts about our spouse, we are at risk for believing lies.
I love how King David was honest about his emotions and talked to God about how he was feeling —the good, the bad and the ugly. Just one example is when David cried, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish?” (Psalm 22:1, NIV 2011). Those powerful emotions show that the shepherd-turned-king wasn’t afraid to be honest with God about his feelings.
I want to be like David, a man after God’s own heart, and manage my emotions by talking to God. When you experience emotions, the best thing you can do is to hold these feelings up to God’s light. Take your emotions to God in order to discover His truth about how you feel. When dealing with difficult or painful emotions that surface during an argument, the worst choice is to accept your feelings as “truth.” Feelings represent great intimacy information, but emotions on their own don’t equal truth.
Love means loving the unlovable —or it is no virtue at all.
G. K. Chesterton, Heretics
For me, Satan’s lies often led me to see Erin as a disrespectful and unappreciative wife. I don’t want to trust my own interpretations and perceptions of what my wife does; I want God’s perspective because ultimately He is the Source of truth. When my heart is closed, my view becomes distorted. I lack God’s insight, wisdom, and truth. Ephesians 4:18 speaks to this point: “They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts.”
Discovering truth is all about abandoning your own conclusions regarding your spouse and pursuing God’s truth. The great news is that God is so faithful. He only wants what’s best for you and your spouse, and He is committed to restoring unity. God will give you a peace that surpasses all understanding about your emotions and will help you see the truth about your spouse.[4]
A WASH-OUT ARGUMENT
Next, I’m going to take those three steps and show you a Smalley family conflict resolution in action.
A few years ago, Erin asked me to help her clean the house. As an alternative, I offered to wash our vehicles with the kids in the driveway.
I said, “Just save me a room or two, and I’ll get to it when I’m done with the kids.” In hindsight, there may have been a better way to negotiate her request! I was about to strike out big time.
The kids and I had a blast washing the cars. While Erin was inside slaving away with the vacuum, we were outside having a massive water fight that led us to get out a huge blow-up water slide.
Meanwhile, our youngest daughter, Annie, was splashing me from her plastic kiddy pool. Though Erin had asked me to put her in a swimming diaper, Annie seemed fine without it. Until it was clear she wasn’t. I sent her inside for a diaper change. And Erin sent Annie right back out for me to take care of the mess.
“Erin,” I shouted, “Can’t you change her real quick? You’re already inside” (Strike 1.)
The back door flew open, and Erin said, “Her swimming suit is full of poop! This is why I asked you to put her swim diaper on.”
“I didn’t think she really needed a swim diaper.” I defended myself. “Plus the diaper was in the house, and I was already outside.” (Strike 2.)
Although she didn’t even need to use words, her look clearly communicated, Brilliant plan, genius! It appears like that really worked out well for you!
Actually what Erin did say was, “If you had helped me clean like I’d asked, this wouldn’t have happened.”
“I’m not one of your children,” I shot back. “You can’t tell me to clean on your schedule. I said I would help when I was done washing the cars.” (It’s amazing how much I actually sounded like a kid.)
“So, explain then why you’re just standing there watching the kids play on the slide,” Erin argued. “Is this part of the deluxe car-wash package?” (Strike 3 . . . I was out!)
Here’s how we resolved this conflict.
We Called a Time-Out
Erin and I were both clearly stirred up and tired. We had just arrived home from China with Annie and were exhausted. From that point on, nothing we could say or do would make a difference. We needed to get out of our reactive dance! Thankfully, Erin had the presence of mind to say, “I’m really upset right now, so I’m going back inside. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to talk about what just happened.” In essence, she called a time-out.
Honestly, I didn’t want to take a break. I wanted to resolve the problem and reconnect. I hate when we’re disconnected, and I hate being annoyed at my wife. But, I’ve also learned that forcing Erin into a conversation when one or both of us has a closed heart is a complete waste of time. Although I don’t like it, I now understand the value of a relational time-out; it gives me time to get my heart open so we can talk in a healthy manner.
We Identified Our Feelings
After Erin announced she was going back inside, I just sat in the front yard watching the kids play on the water slide.
As I changed Annie into a clean diaper, my mind churned with negative thoughts about Erin: Why was cleaning the house more important than having fun with the kids? Why couldn’t Erin just play with us first and then all of us clean together? Why does she always yell at me when she doesn’t get her way? She’ll never change!
Inside the house, Erin was also stewing. As she angrily ran the vacuum across the carpet, her mind raced with negative thoughts about me: Why won’t Greg help me with the housework? Why do I always need to be the responsible parent while he gets to be the fun parent? Why is it solely my responsibility to clean the house and change Annie? He never helps out . . . I feel alone!
It’s in these moments that I’m reminded about spiritual warfare. When my heart is closed, I’m upset with my wife, and Satan attacks my thoughts. He is the father of lies.[5] The attack is very subtle and the thoughts seem right in my mind. However, the tip-off that something is not right is when my thoughts become extreme.
As I sat there deep in thought, staring at my kids play on the water, I realized I was being attacked when I started to think things like She’ll never change! and She always yells! Over the years I’ve learned to instantly pray when I sense I’m under attack (which is almost guaranteed when we’re fighting). My prayer that day was based on Philippians 4:7-8. It went something like this: God guard my heart and my mind right now . . . give me Your peace that surpasses all understanding. Help me recognize what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy about my wife and our marriage.
Although I don’t like it, I now understand the value of a relational time-out.
The prayer instantly calmed me down and gave me God’s perspective. Nothing was fixed or resolved regarding what we’d been arguing about, but at least the spiritual attack was over. Next I needed to shift my thoughts away from Erin and figure out what was really going on for me.
I quickly realized the deeper emotions that were driving the argument for me. I was feeling controlled and disrespected. When Erin wanted me to clean the house before washing the car, I felt as if she was trying to control and manipulate me into her schedule. What I wanted to do (wash the cars with the kids) didn’t seem to matter. She wanted the chores done on her timeframe. I also felt her sarcastic comments were disrespectful.
But I believe we grow our relationships by reconciling our differences. That’s how we become more loving people and truly experience the fruits of marriage.
Dr. John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
Putting a name to what I was feeling helped me calm down. Naming my emotions —controlled and disrespected —de-escalated the situation for me. Real change happened after I had that conversation with God about my feelings.
Meanwhile, inside the house, Erin was feeling alone. She felt deserted and that our household responsibilities were falling solely on her shoulders —as many things had lately with all the stress of Annie’s coming home. To her, the marriage felt one-sided and that we weren’t being a team.
We Discovered the Truth
Sitting next to my children playing on the water slide, I started praying. “God, what is true about how I feel? What is true about my wife? Is the truth that Erin is controlling? Is she disrespectful?”
I know when I’ve encountered God’s truth compared to Satan’s lies. God’s truth will always provide peace. Satan’s lies will always produce strife and discontentment. I quickly felt a peace that Erin wasn’t a controlling, disrespectful wife. Now I needed to talk to her.
We Talked with Open Hearts
The next step was an honest conversation with Erin to find out what her perspective was and to explain my viewpoint.
The key to having a reconciling conversation is to make sure your heart is open to God’s love, which is patient, kind, humble, honoring, sacrificial, self-controlled, and forgiving.[6] These are the exact attributes I needed for a healthy, productive conversation with Erin. But I had to open my heart to them.
I got the kids out of the water slide and dried them off. I found Erin still running the vacuum cleaner. She cleans thoroughly when she’s mad. (All you women may now say “Amen!”) I cautiously approached her and asked if we could talk. She followed me to our bedroom, which was a good sign!
Knowing that a soft answer turns away wrath,[7] in a gentle voice, I asked her to help me understand what happened.
“I really needed your help, and you completely ignored my request.” Erin explained.
It’s important to repeat back what you hear so your spouse can feel understood. (Remember chapter 3 on “reflection”?)
“So you felt ignored,” I repeated.
“Yes,” Erin responded. “I also felt alone —that cleaning the house was just my responsibility. I would have loved to have been a part of washing the cars, having a water fight, and watching the kids play on the slide, but I can’t relax until the house is clean when we have company coming later on. I would have been too preoccupied with the housework to enjoy playing with the kids.”
“So you felt alone and left to clean the house on your own.” Erin nodded her head in agreement. “It also sounds like you can’t relax and play when there’s housework looming.”
It would have been easy for me to debate if I had really “abandoned” her or to point out that she just needed to learn to relax, but that would have only made us more disconnected. Her feelings are her feelings —they’re neither right nor wrong, good nor bad —they are the voice of her heart. I want Erin to know that she matters to me and what she is feeling is important to me, whether it makes sense to me or if I agree with them or not.
But once I heard how she felt, I instantly took responsibility and apologized. “I’m so sorry you felt I wasn’t there for you. I’m equally responsible for our home and for managing our children. I was wrong to blow off your request. Will you forgive me?”
“Yes,” Erin said and smiled. “Thank you.”
“I forget you need to have the house cleaned up before you can relax and play —especially when we have company coming,” I explained. “That’s so different from me.”
Erin then asked me what happened for me. I could tell her heart was open just by the way she asked the question. If she had still been upset, I may not have offered my feelings to her at this moment. I might have said, “Let’s talk about me later.”
Instead, I explained, “I felt controlled. It felt more like you were demanding help with the housework instead of asking me to help figure out a win/win solution to get the house cleaned. I didn’t feel like I had a choice —it was your way, or I’d be in trouble. I didn’t feel like you were willing to consider what I wanted or if I had a timeframe for the day’s activities and chores. Besides, the kids were already in their swimsuits, and I had promised we would play in the water.”
Conflict is inevitable; combat is optional.
Max Lucado, When God Whispers Your Name
“It sounds like you felt controlled because I didn’t ask you to help decide when to clean the house.” Erin replied. “And the kids were ready to play because you promised them.”
“Yes.” I nodded. “And then when you got frustrated, I felt disrespected by the way you were talking to me.”
Erin summed up what she had heard, “You felt disrespected by my words when I became upset.”
“Yes,” I said. “Thank you.”
“You’re right,” Erin said, “I didn’t ask about your expectations for the day —when we would play and when we would clean. I didn’t know you had made a promise to the kids. And I was hasty with my words. I’m really sorry, would you forgive me?”
“Absolutely,” I responded.
After a big hug, we both went to the kids and apologized for how we acted. We then divided up the remaining housework and we all finished cleaning the house together. Once the chores were done, we all went back outside to the water slide and played until dinner and the arrival of our guests.
Certainly, all our conflicts don’t end like a rerun of Full House, but we can usually get to a good place once we get our hearts back open and talk things through.
We’ve come a long way since Hawaii and Hurricane-O.
In the next chapter, we’ll discover that honoring your spouse is also a key to maintaining a committed, love-filled marriage.