ROMANCE SECRET #5
TRUE LOVE HONORS
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.
—Philippians 2:3 (NIV, 2011)
I’ve officiated my fair share of weddings and witnessed some slipups. I’ve seen groomsmen trip, brides drop bouquets, ring bearers burst into tears, and best men botch toasts. I’ve even embarrassed myself by pontificating about garden fertilizer while the audience was giggling at the double entendre that everyone caught —except me.
Trust YouTube to turn the “blushable” moments to an even deeper shade of red. The humorous video collections usually involve a fall: party tents, pants, brides, ministers, and cakes all seem to topple, causing spectators to laugh.
But there’s one “fall” during a wedding that no one laughs about: a fall from grace. One of those made the news a couple of years ago. Right before making his vow to love, honor, and cherish the woman standing before him, one hapless Chinese groom uttered the name of his first crush . . . and she wasn’t his bride!
The affronted woman in white demanded an immediate end to the ceremony and a divorce. (In China, the legal contract is executed before the ceremony.) A news commentator afterward called the groom’s error a “defining moment.”[1] I paused and thought that the groom’s mistake wasn’t what set the tone of the relationship. It was the bride’s choice to respond in anger. What would have happened if the bride had instead responded with grace, as if she valued the groom more than she valued her pride?
WHAT DEFINES YOUR MARRIAGE?
I think I’ve already established that I had a lot to learn about love the day I married Erin. Even though I was the son of a nationally renowned marriage expert, a lot of my dad’s advice rolled around in my head like pinballs, and not many of them landed in a hole that racked up relationship points with Erin. But I can attest to one thing about being raised by Gary and Norma Smalley that scored a hit in my heart and mind.
While others of you were probably lectured on the merits of “honesty,” “discipline,” and “politeness,” which are certainly lecture-worthy attributes, my home was also steeped in the use of the old-fashioned word honor. It’s one of the hallmark principles my dad teaches in virtually all his marriage material. More than that, he still lives it, showing honor to my mom nearly every opportunity he can. Honor is the term that defines my parents’ marriage.
The List
This story is part of my family lore, and I share it every chance I get because it shows the power of intentionally choosing to view someone as valuable. It illustrates the principle of honor in action.
In 2008 my family spent the Thanksgiving holiday weekend with my parents in Branson, Missouri. At one point, they got into a huge argument. I couldn’t even tell you what it was about, and I’m sure they don’t remember either! (See, I told you conflict is inevitable! That’s why having short accounts is so important.)
In frustration each stomped off to different parts of the house. Of course, all the women chased after my mother to provide emotional comfort and support. Since I was the only adult male present, I figured I’d better chase after my father. But instead of empathy or emotional support, I reasoned that my dad needed to laugh.
As I trailed my father toward his home office, I suggested what I thought was a good idea. “Hey, Dad,” I said with a chuckle, “since you’ve written, like, fifty marriage books, how about if I pull one off the shelf and read what you should be doing for Mom right now?”
I thought my banter was quite funny.
The door to his office slamming in my face indicated he disagreed with me.
I let him calm down for a few minutes before I knocked on his door.
“Come in,” he reluctantly replied.
As I walked into his office, I found my dad sitting behind his computer. I assumed he was online reading the news or looking at the weather. But when I walked up behind him, I saw the screen. The content surprised me.
“What is that?” I asked.
“Well,” my dad began, “a number of years ago I started a list of why your mom is so valuable. So when I’m upset with her or when we’ve had a fight, I’ve learned that instead of sitting here thinking about how hurt or frustrated I am, I make myself read through this list.”
The document contained hundreds of words and phrases describing my mom’s value. It was amazing.
“A number of years ago I started a list of why your mom is so valuable.”
“When I first start to read through the list, I’m usually still upset,” he explained. “I get to the first three or four items and I think, What was I thinking? or This one is no longer valid! or I’m definitely going to erase that one. But the farther down I read, the faster I realize that Norma is an amazing woman.”[2]
The Honor Role
Erin and I have come to believe honoring is key for building a strong and safe relationship.
Other marriage experts agree with us (and it’s not just my dad). Marital expert and bestselling author Dr. John Gottman identifies honor as perhaps the most important key to a satisfying marriage. Gottman writes that “Without the fundamental belief that your spouse is worthy of honor and respect, where is the basis for any kind of rewarding relationship?”[3]
The Free Dictionary defines honor as “to hold in respect; esteem.” In practical marriage terms, Erin and I define it as a decision to see another person as a priceless treasure —recognizing his or her incredible worth and value. That wording choice is, in part, taken from the Greek word for honor: timē, which means, “what has value in the eyes of the beholder,” and “perceived value,” and “worth, literally ‘price.’”[4]
This isn’t something that must be earned by your spouse. It is given, unconditionally, or your spouse’s emotional and/or spiritual health will suffer. One Old Testament passage that breaks my heart is about Leah, the unfavored wife of Jacob, who has just had another child, and says, “God has presented me with a precious gift. This time my husband will treat me with honor, because I have borne him six sons” (Genesis 30:20). That’s right, six. Leah never “earned” the honor she was due from Jacob, even after giving him half the tribes of Israel and a daughter as well.
THE VALUE OF A GREAT SPOUSE
To be fair, Jacob was entrenched in a polygamous culture and tricked into marrying Leah by her father. We don’t have those excuses. Proverbs 31:10 says, “An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels” (NASB). I believe a good husband is worth at least as much —a viewpoint which leads into an explanation about the rest of this section. Because the cultural bias of the biblical texts is aimed at men to treat their wife with honor, it may sound as if men are the only ones who need encouragement to treat their spouse properly. However, it may even be more difficult for women to honor and respect their man. This husband-wife tension is described in Genesis 3:16 when God says to the woman Eve: “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” Some of the repercussions of the fall (Genesis 3) for women are relationship issues in regard to power, which, more likely than not, need to be resolved on a daily basis.
Of all the things love dares to do, this is the ultimate . . . Though challenged, it keeps moving forward. Though mistreated and rejected, it refuses to give up. Love never fails.
Stephen and Alex Kendrick, The Love Dare
I assure you, while the roles of men and women in marriage often present or manifest differently, the responsibility falls on both spouses to love, honor, cherish, and respect the other, reciprocity being the main emphasis. Wise spouses follow the lead and temper of this verse: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3).
ON MY HONOR
While we were dating, I made a big to-do about the importance of honoring Erin, but it took me a while before I knew how to act that out on a daily basis. One of the first things I learned, however, was to never, ever disparage her in public.
Now this was more difficult for me than it should have been because when I get in a crowd, being the center of attention by garnering laughs is my style. Often I use self-deprecating humor and just as often, it works well. (For example, you’ve now been chuckling at my expense for twenty thousand words or so.)
Once I got married I figured I’d have double the fun because I could now get laughs about Erin too.
At one of our first formal dinners as a couple, I was sitting next to a kind, older couple. I made a joke about Erin’s propensity to worry (I can’t tell it again because that would be the back door to disparaging her), and I didn’t think anything of it. But the kind man next to me did. So when I later asked him how long he’d been married (fifty-six years), I followed up with another question, “What have you learned about marriage in those years?”
He offered some advice, which was really a thinly veiled censure. “I will never talk bad about my wife,” he said. “I will never disrespect her. I will never complain about her when I’m in a group of men. I will never make jokes about her. I will always be loyal to her in public.”
His words were like a bitter pill, but fortunately I wasn’t too proud to take my medicine and swallow it.
I started with the goal of honoring Erin, but I’ve had to learn how to do it, to change my ways, to listen to her, and to be creative in finding new ways to show her how valuable she is to me.
YOUR SPOUSE IS YOUR NEAREST NEIGHBOR
Erin and I believe the master plan for building honor in your marriage begins with a straightforward directive from Jesus: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39).
In a day when that can refer to everything from building self-esteem with a life coach to coloring your hair, what does it truly mean to “love yourself?”
The answer can be found in the apostle Paul’s words to the church at Ephesus regarding marriage:
So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:25-33, NASB)
Pay particular attention to this portion of the passage: “So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.”
Since Erin and I have already presented our case for the sacrificial love required in marriage, we’ll focus on the day-to-day ways to honor your spouse. In simple practical terms, you “nourish” and “cherish” your own bodies, and you should do that for your marriage partner. Building a solid foundation of honor in your marriage happens when you choose to regularly cherish and nourish each other.
While I didn’t use the word honor in my wedding vows, I used its twin: cherish.
While I didn’t use the word honor in my wedding vows, I used its twin: cherish. For the rest of this chapter, the terms honor and cherish are interchangeable. (We will explore nourish next.)
HONOR IN BIBLICAL ACTION
Remember the Bible character Ruth, the widowed Moabite woman who left her home country and “burned the boats” in order to follow her mother-in-law? The next part of Ruth’s story reveals a great act of honor between a man and a woman, one so romantic it gives Jane Austen a run for her money.
Introducing Boaz
I find it charming that the King James Version of the Holy Bible refers to Ruth as a “damsel.” And Boaz makes an outstanding knight. In Ruth chapter 2, the text says Boaz is a kinsman of Naomi’s husband, a close family friend. He is a man with considerable social standing in Bethlehem. While the text doesn’t say he’s a hunk —tall, dark, and handsome —the Bible tells us he’s something even better: worthy.
Boaz is also older than Ruth. He’s not a doddering invalid, but neither is he a spring chicken, to use the Southern term. He’s still physically fit, as demonstrated by his practice of walking his fields during the heat of day and winnowing grain himself. So I’m estimating his age to be fifty-ish and Ruth’s to be mid to late twenties.[5]
Boaz’s family has an unusual past: his mother was the one-and-only Rahab-the-harlot-turned-hero, a convert who believed in “the God in heaven above and on the earth below” (Joshua 2:11). But his mother’s somewhat unusual background has not held Boaz back.
Respect at First Sight
In the opening of the chapter, Ruth and Naomi need provisions. Ruth’s plan to harvest in the fields under the Old Testament provision for widows and the poor[6] takes her to the fields of Boaz, who immediately notices the new girl:
Boaz asks the field foreman of his harvesters, “Whose young woman is that?”
The foreman replied, “She is the Moabitess who came back from Moab with Naomi. . . . She went into the field and has worked steadily from morning till now, except for a short rest in the shelter.”
So Boaz said to Ruth, “My daughter, listen to me. Don’t go and glean in another field and don’t go away from here. Stay here with my servant girls. Watch the field where the men are harvesting, and follow along after the girls. I have told the men not to touch you. And whenever you are thirsty, go and get a drink from the water jars the men have filled.” . . .
“May I continue to find favor in your eyes, my lord,” she said. “You have given me comfort and have spoken kindly to your servant —though I do not have the standing of one of your servant girls.” (Ruth 2:5-9, 13)
Immediately Boaz begins to cherish Ruth, even by using a kind tone of voice to comfort her. He provides a safe environment for her. He includes her, as much as is appropriate, within his household. He offers water, a life-giving essential. But most of all, he elevates her status from an outsider or scavenger to that of a servant.
But the cherishing continues! In the next few verses Boaz speaks kindly to her. He brings her to his lunch table and has the forethought to save her from social ridicule. The amount of grain Boaz let Ruth have in one day was beyond her needs, beyond generous —it was an extravagant gift.[7] And he invited her back the next day for more!
None of Boaz’s actions are for his comfort. Instead he thinks only of Ruth’s well-being, and by extension, Naomi’s. In the end, the couple marries after a midnight rendezvous and some legal disentanglement.
Do you feel the cherish-vibes yet?
Matthew Henry, a popular Bible scholar, did. He brags on Boaz:
The conduct of Boaz calls for the highest praise. He attempted not to take advantage of Ruth; he did not disdain her as a poor, destitute stranger, nor suspect her of any ill intentions. He spoke honourably of her as a virtuous woman, made her a promise, and as soon as the morning arrived, sent her away with a present to her mother-in-law.[8]
Boaz and Ruth recognized each other’s worthiness almost immediately. As a sunflower turns toward the sun, so Ruth felt safe enough to approach Boaz in humility and vulnerability.
FIVE WAYS TO CHERISH YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Cherishing is a mindset, a mentality, an attitude. It means that you recognize your spouse’s incredible value. Can your spouse trust you to treat him or her kindly? Your spouse will feel safe and respected only to the extent that you demonstrate how valuable he or she is. In times of stress, it’s easy for us to forget how wonderful our spouse is. Here are some habits to develop so honoring becomes a way of life, even in the trying periods. That behavior will create a place for your marriage to bloom with romance and passion.
#1 Value Your Spouse
The Lord never forgets the value of your spouse. So that you don’t forget either, pay careful attention to verses such as these:
- For you were made in [God’s] image. (Genesis 1:27)
- You are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)
- For you are [God’s] treasured possession. (Exodus 19:5)
- You are [a] glorious inheritance. (Ephesians 1:18)
- You are precious and honored in [God’s] sight. (Isaiah 43:4)
- A man’s greatest treasure is his wife. (Proverbs 18:22) (It’s also true to say “A woman’s greatest treasure is her husband.”)
These verses showcase your spouse in the best light, which is God’s perspective. When you treat your spouse as a treasure, then the old adage “beauty is as beauty does” will come into effect. A spouse who believes he or she is part of God’s beautiful plan will act in beautiful ways.
#2 Be Thankful and Grateful for Your Spouse
Did you notice that Boaz and Ruth’s story shows that he has reason to be thankful and grateful to have her in his life? Boaz hears from his foreman that Ruth works diligently (Ruth 2:7). He notes her worth as a committed daughter-in-law to Naomi and as someone willing to adapt to a new culture and commit to the Lord (Ruth 2:11-13). He knows she is chaste and has a good reputation (Ruth 3:10-11).
When you marry someone, you’re in effect promising that you’ll be that person’s greatest fan. He or she is your lover, your best friend, your lifetime partner to experience the best of times and the worst of times together. It’s like Proverbs 5:18 says, “Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in your wife all your life” (author’s paraphrase). (Or, for the ladies, rejoice in your husband.)
#3 Compliment and Affirm Your Spouse
Many people need to hear words of encouragement every day. Remember Hebrews 3:13: “Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” It’s the second “daily” verse that we explored in “This Thing Called Love.”
To love someone means to see him as God intended him.
Fyodor Dostoevsky, Russian novelist and journalist
A compliment is a verbal expression of praise. It’s a remark that says something good about someone or something they did. One good biblical example is “Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all’” (Proverbs 31:28-29).
An affirmation is to say something true in a confident way. I affirm Erin when I see the good things about her that she doesn’t see —her patience and her tenderness but also her creativity and leadership skills. We use the phrase, “Calling out the value.” This sometimes turns into encouragement, which literally means “to make courageous.”
THE CALL OF GIDEON
In “Romance Secret #2: True Love Seeks God,” I told the story of how my father made the effort to call me out to be my best self as the spiritual leader in my home. I wasn’t even aware of the strengths he saw in me. But his view of me changed my view of myself.
Generally, most of us are poor judges of our own God-given strengths and abilities. So there’s a powerful personal impact on our lives when a loved one or trusted friend reaches out to affirm our unique strengths.
Take the story of Gideon, for example. (This is an Old Testament character, not the guy who puts Bibles in hotel rooms.) This Bible hero started out as a reluctant leader during a time when the nation of Israel suffered terrible oppression by its enemies, the Midianites. The Midianites raided communities, burned homes and fields, and killed animals. They left God’s people cowering in caves, practically starving.
One day Gideon was at work hiding some of the scarce food when an angelic visitor droped by and asked him to lead God’s army.
The [angel] turned to him and said, “Go . . . save Israel from the hand of Midian; do not I send you?”
And [Gideon] said to him, “Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father’s house.”
And the LORD said to him, “But I will be with you, and you shall strike the Midianites as one man.” (Judges 6:14-17, ESV)
At first, Gideon felt like a helpless weakling —a nobody —and of little use to his people or to God while the Midianites rained down chaos and devastation. But he was wrong.
God chose Gideon to meet a desperate need, and the angel recast helpless Gideon as a mighty warrior. When he finally saw himself in this new light, Gideon gained the confidence he needed to lead the children of Israel in victory over their enemies.
In the same way, spouses can encourage each other toward better futures by affirming each other’s hidden strengths and true identities in Jesus Christ. Each of us has the power to recast a loved one’s self-image, by showing that person his or her true value. When you observe and point out your spouse’s unique talents and abilities, you’ll see his or her confidence grow in kind.
You have the power to be the best mirror your spouse ever had, changing that reflection to match the vision God intends.
#4 Be Captivated by Your Spouse
“May you ever be captivated by her love” (Proverbs 5:19). Be enchanted, enthralled, fascinated, mesmerized, impressed by your spouse.
This verse shows the positive side of integrity and fidelity, to be so enamored with your spouse that you don’t have time or inclination to stray, either physically, visually, or emotionally. If your heart is full of great feelings about your spouse, it’s much easier to just say no to lust or to flirtations. Treasure her in your thought life, maintaining purity.
Finding other people attractive and looking at them will erode your own view of your spouse.
The negative side is the warning in Proverbs 5:20: “Do not be captivated by other women” (Or, for the ladies, “other men.”) Finding other people attractive and looking at them will erode your own view of your spouse. You will be less satisfied with your spouse, and he or she will feel less special to you.
#5 Be Gracious Toward Your Spouse
Graciousness equals good manners and politeness. Safety is also conveyed by showing respect and consideration. First Peter 3:7 tells husbands to “live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (ESV). There’s no reason women shouldn’t also be gracious and understanding. The Greek word showing translated here means “to assign, pay as her due.”[9] That’s what my dad learned how to do even when he was angry.
THE STARBUCKS LESSON
The rise of Starbucks, a 1971 Seattle start-up that is now ubiquitous in American cities, can teach couples the value of cherishing, or creating a “crave” factor. Starbucks is not just about the coffee. It’s about cherishing the customer, making a one-of-a-kind experience.
Here’s one journalist’s take on it:
Starbucks. When you say the name, it automatically conjures up an image: an upscale coffee bar with light wood, glass and chrome. The invigorating and inviting aroma of brewed coffee and the café atmosphere has made Starbucks the best-known specialty coffee roaster and server in the world. . . .
It is that “something special” that defines the Starbucks coffee experience.[10]
When we honor and cherish our spouses they feel comfortable —it’s a great feeling, one that they’ll want more of. That’s the defining difference, the “something special,” in your relationship that you’re after. Those warm feelings will most likely transfer to intimacy in all areas of your relationship.
EN-LISTING RELATIONSHIP TOOLS
The great news is that intentionally creating an inviting atmosphere is possible. You can turn up the relationship thermostat in the same way my dad did —by “en-listing” help.
In the space below, list all of the reasons your spouse is so valuable. For example, you might include a character or personality trait, gender difference, faith pattern, value, moral, parenting skill, spiritual discipline, or even a role he or she takes on that you appreciate.
The following chart might spark some ideas about your spouse’s values:
- humble
- brave
- courageous
- funny
- loyal
- caring
- unselfish
- generous
- self-confident
- respectful
- considerate
- independent
- creative
- intelligent
- honest
- adventurous
- hardworking
- fun-loving
- successful
- responsible
- helpful
- dreamer
- happy
- leader
- gentle
- loving
- neat
- joyful
- cooperative
- curious
- determined
- energetic
- cheerful
- thoughtful
- calm
- mannerly
Be sure to keep this list nearby so you can periodically add to it and revise it when you need to remember your spouse’s value. Also, don’t keep this amazing list to yourself —share it with your spouse. Make it clear that you recognize his or her value. When this happens, not only does your spouse benefit but you are positively influenced as well.
AN HONORABLE ENDING
God desires for you to deeply grasp your spouse’s value. However, let me be very honest with you: there are times this can be a challenge for anyone in any relationship. Marriage seems to provide many opportunities to love and honor —but to also dishonor. It’s all in how we choose to see it.
You can always give without loving, but you can never love without giving.
Amy Carmichael, Christian missionary
Think of honor as a vital fuel that maintains the spark of a loving marriage throughout life. The fire of love might be reduced to embers if neglected or deprived of oxygen. But even a spark of respect or adoration can quickly burst into full flame when it is fueled once again.
Let’s hope that’s the case for the Chinese bride whose groom said the wrong name during the wedding ceremony. After meeting with a judge, the disgruntled woman agreed to remain married.[11]
Her husband has some honoring to do. At the top of his list should be this: My beloved Zhou —forgiving and gracious from day one.
In the next chapter, we’ll discover that nourishing your spouse is a great way to cherish him or her.