ROMANCE SECRET #9
TRUE LOVE SERVES
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.
1 Peter 3:8, ESV
Picture this: A married couple returns from vacation, exhausted. Their oversized suitcase gets plopped down on the landing of the living room stairs —where it sits in plain sight. And sits. For three weeks.
Ray, the husband, thinks it’s his wife’s job to move it upstairs. After all, it’s full of dirty clothes, and laundry is her responsibility. So he “ignores” it.
Wife Deb also pretends to ignore the baggage. Until she says angrily: “I have to do everything around this house. I’m the one that has to do the laundry. Why should I be the one to drag that thing upstairs? Isn’t the man supposed to carry stuff?”
The multi-week, passive-aggressive battle isn’t lost on a frequent visitor, Ray’s dad. Frank tells his son, “Hey, listen to me. This is not about a suitcase. This is about who wears the pants in the family.”
Finally, Ray and Deb realize they are behaving like stubborn children. Until another tug-of-war breaks out —a mad scramble as each tries to “win” by being first to haul the suitcase upstairs.
If you’re a fan of the classic sitcom, you’ll recognize this story as the fourth highest-rated episode of TV’s Everybody Loves Raymond.[1] What made it one of the top episodes out of hundreds? It was a fan favorite because married couples could identify with its universal themes: the split over “who does what?” and the power struggles that often crop up over seemingly minor disagreements. It’s funny because it’s true.
Is it wrong for spouses to disagree? No. Honest disagreement can be healthy for a relationship —we saw that in “Romance Secret #4: True Love Fights for Peace.”
But when you consistently feel as if you are in a never-ending battle over household responsibilities and roles, your relationship begins to feel adversarial. If you and your spouse constantly go from being teammates to opponents, your marriage will quickly start to feel unsafe.
The unhealthy result of disunity in a marriage is an unresolved power struggle. Almost every couple has encountered this, often early in the marriage. For instance, a typical power struggle occurs when couples get into a relational tug-of-war over who will do what in order to manage their home —inside and out. The result can fracture the bond that holds a couple together.
This is exactly what Jesus meant when He said, “Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall” (Luke 11:17). Unhealthy power struggles destroy relationships because the outcome is guaranteed. A marriage divided will fall!
CHORE WARS DEFINED
There’s a wide range of subjects a couple can choose to argue about: money, household chores, children, sex, work, leisure time, in-laws, and more. Yet research reveals that married couples are surprisingly similar when it comes to issues that lead to harmony or discord on the home front.
A whopping 70 percent of adults say “sharing household chores is ‘very important’ or ‘rather important’ to marital success.” For this topic, little variety of opinion exists between genders, people in different age groups, or single versus married individuals. People are amazingly unified in this observation.[2]
Is that true in your own marriage? If so, you are not alone.
The Bad News that You Probably Know
Many husbands and wives perceive the division of housework as unfair and end up in conflict. They spend an enormous amount of time arguing over who’s going to care for the children, cook meals, do yard work, clean the house, take out the trash, fold laundry, pay bills, walk the dog, clean the dishes, grocery shop and run the kids from activity to activity.
Feelings of resentment —of being taken advantage of and unappreciated —snag the fabric of the marriage.
The Good News that You Probably Don’t Know
The good news is that according to a Pew Research Poll, sharing household chores ranks as the third highest issue associated with a successful marriage —behind only faithfulness and good sex.[3] This means if you can learn to share chores, your marriage will have one of the hallmarks of unity.
There are more benefits of being able to negotiate peace in the chore wars than merely having a clean home. Dr. John Gottman notes that the happiest, and most sexually satisfying relationships, are those where husbands participate equally in childcare and household chores.[4]
As we focus on specific problems associated with sharing household responsibilities, keep in mind these insightful words from Frank Barone: “It’s not about the suitcase.”
MOVE PAST WINNING
The real issues go much deeper than who empties the trash or mows the lawn. And the resolution shouldn’t be about “winning” either. What’s important is the way you work through common, day-to-day concerns. The right approach can establish a solid foundation for working through the bigger obstacles that will inevitably come up in your life journey together.
Let’s consider four major challenges that confront couples trying to break out of the chore wars. Each challenge is based on a very human, flawed point of view. You won’t have to look too hard to find yourself and your spouse in some of these all-too-common conflicts.
Challenge #1: “It’s not fair!”
It’s true that distribution or division of chores and other household responsibilities is often unequal and unfair. Even when couples try to share the load evenly, it doesn’t always work out that way in real life.
Surveys and studies point out that even though many women work outside the home, they still tend to do most of the household chores. Men typically do about 9.6 hours of housework each week; women typically do about 18.1 hours. Where childcare is concerned, men average about seven hours a week, while women put in about fourteen hours caring for the kids.[5]
This common inequity can leave a spouse feeling alone or taken for granted. Have you ever felt or said one of the following? Or heard it from your spouse?
- “I have to do everything.”
- “You’re not pulling your weight.”
- “You want me to do more work when you’ve been having fun all day.”
- “You don’t value what I do for our family.”
- “At least you’re not stuck at home with the kids all day.”
The chore wars can develop into a never-ending debate about which spouse does more. I hate to admit it, but Erin and I have had nasty arguments about this. For a time we almost weren’t able to talk about it rationally.
Sometimes it stems from a communication problem, when each spouse is unaware of what the other does during the course of a day, or a week. I mentioned in “Romance Secret #3: True Love Seeks to Know and Be Known,” that Erin would call me whenever I was on the road. At that time in our marriage, she felt overly burdened by the housework because I wasn’t there to help. I don’t think I fully appreciated how difficult being a stay-at-home parent is and how feelings of isolation can build up.
Often spouses wear blinders, fully understanding only their own jobs and roles in the household. I know exactly how challenging my job is, for example, even if Erin doesn’t grasp that. She’s better at administration than I am, for example, and what may seem easy to her are tasks that just about floor me every day.
As a result of making assumptions and failing to communicate openly, one or both spouses can end up feeling invalidated, devalued, minimized, or marginalized.
Often spouses wear blinders, fully understanding only their own jobs and roles in the household.
Challenge #2: “It’s not good enough!”
The way an individual is “wired” or designed by God can contribute to widely different expectations within a household. Some individual preferences may not make sense to a spouse with an alternate set of priorites.
While some credit our differences to gender-related characteristics (women tend to be nesters and nurturers; men are providers and protectors), it’s true that differences between individuals are broader than the differences within groups. So even if a wife wonders if the men in her family can even see the dust that drives her crazy, it could just as easily be the husband who despises dust and craves order in the house.
Some expectations are set based on your family of origin. Maybe Mom was a perfectionist; Dad only did masculine chores. Or a spouse might rebel against an overly rigid home life and choose to let household duties slide intentionally.
Some spouses do more housework because they actually prefer cleaner or tidier homes. They may want the laundry sorted in a specific way or have an unvaried routine for cleaning the kitchen floors and counters. Others wait until company is coming, then clean in a frenzy of action. And some people just enjoy a house with that “lived in” look.
I admit to being a true caveman. Recently we were having company over, and Erin wanted help cleaning the refrigerator. To her, it was a bastion of ooze and bacteria. I looked in and thought, No maggots. Looks good to me.
When you love you wish to do things for. You wish to sacrifice for. You wish to serve.
Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
If you’re like us, take a personal inventory and be aware of your own preferences about cleanliness. I hate changing sheets and making the bed, for example, but I’m fine with washing the cars or unloading the dishwasher.
In general, women have lower tolerances for both dirt and disorder, so they might expect certain household chores to be done more frequently than the men in their lives. This often means they get stuck doing much more than a fair share of such chores.
The problem arises when there’s a major disagreement involving preferences and priorities. Even if I don’t want to clean (that’s my personal preference) but Erin does want to clean, I have to jump in or pay the consequences.
In the chore wars, the “cleaner” seems to win most often. Or you end up in a standoff, like Ray and Deb, who left their suitcase on the stair landing for three weeks. That is, until Ray was leaving town and stuffed a piece of stinky cheese inside the bag before he left. Seriously, these battles can get ugly —and smelly!
Is there a form of compromise? Do less? Do more? When both husband and wife work outside the home (and in 2014, 47.7 percent of married couples were both employed),[6] there just isn’t enough time to get everything done. So choosing what gets priority comes down to preferences and individual desires.
Each spouse has an idea about what needs get done at the bare minimum. (Typically I’ll choose downtime over cleaning most any day.) So these household chore preferences will create conflict when spouses can’t agree on the basics.
Challenge #3: “It’s not my job!”
Erin and I have been married more than twenty-four years, and dividing up household chores is certainly an issue we’ve consistently faced. Something happened not too long ago, however, that has completely changed my perspective about this reoccurring frustration. I have told this story once or twice, because it was a turning point in the chore wars for us.
One evening after work, as I walked into the kitchen, I could hear what sounded like pure chaos. Erin was busy making dinner, two of our four children were engaged in an argument, the TV was blaring, and someone’s homework was scattered over the counter and onto the floor.
Hearing the metaphorical ticking time bomb, I uttered four little words that changed my life, “How can I help?”
At first glance, this phrase sounds positive, right?
“How can I help?” In other words, “I can see things are out of control and I want to assist in some way because I love you.”
The sad part about it is, when most people promise for better or for worse, they really only mean for the better.
Ken Bevel as Lt. Michael Simmons in Fireproof
I thought this offer would emphasize my “loving husband” nature. Certainly my heart was in the right place, but I quickly realized that I was unknowingly creating a huge rift in my marriage. The evidence was how Erin responded to my gracious offer: “You’re a big boy. Look around. See what needs to be done. Jump in and do it.”
To be honest, at first I felt hurt. But then I quickly moved to righteous indignation: The nerve, I thought. I can’t believe she just snapped at me after I offered to lend a hand.
And that’s when the epiphany happened. As I stood there sulking, I realized that my offer to “help,” in many ways, implied that Erin was solely responsible for the work that needed to be done around our home. And I was offering her my help as an assistant and not as co-owner.
I appreciate Jim Thornton’s funny take, in his book, Chore Wars, on what a wife really hears when her husband offers to help:
We both know these chores are your ultimate responsibility, dear, but if you spell out exactly what you want me to do, I will begrudgingly help you with our work. And, by the way, you better show me some appreciation for my help. And if you want me to help again, you will have to remind me each and every single occasion this obnoxious task comes up.[7]
That night as Erin and I talked, I sought forgiveness for any time that I’d unintentionally implied that she was solely responsible for the housework and that I was just her “helper.” I made sure that she knew that we were teammates and that I was also 100 percent responsible for the care and maintenance of our home and children.[8] Sure, I could have debated how I contribute by working full-time outside the home, but that would have only driven us down the same old dead-end we’d run into many times before. Because the issue isn’t about work inside the home or work outside the home. It’s about equal ownership of all the tasks and responsibilities that are part of family life, no matter who ends up meeting an immediate need.
So don’t fall into the trap. Asking for help can give the impression that the household chores really are your job and responsibility alone. Or while you might think it’s a good thing to offer to help your spouse, that you might actually be sending a mixed message and creating negative feelings.
Challenge #4: “It’s never-ending!”
The reality of having demanding jobs and four active kids is that there is never an end to the work that needs to get done around our house. Seriously, Erin and I could work 24/7 and still never finish. But I don’t want our home to represent “work.” I’m not averse to hard work, but I also need our home to feel like there’s room for rest and play. My big fear is that there will never again be downtime in our lives. Not ever.
One of my pet peeves is that we have healthy, able children, but we often fail to get them involved in doing household tasks. I’ll come home or be working on something, and Erin will ask me to take care of a simple chore instead of asking one of our kids. This drives me crazy, because it’s important for the kids to learn responsibility and contribute to the home we all share.
Above all the grace and the gifts that Christ gives to his beloved is that of overcoming self.
Saint Francis of Assisi
Erin says that this happens because it’s easier to ask me to handle the chore than it is to ask our kids. She expects she’ll be in for an argument or have to take more time to explain the process than to take care of it on her own. But she’s busy, so she opts for me!
When this happens in families with kids, it can build resentment that the kids don’t help out. And it gives the kids with an unrealistic picture of shared life. How much easier it would be to handle the workload if everybody pitched in, right? I recently read that roly polys live in families, and the baby bugs actually work together to clean up their habitat.[9] It irks me that bugs have more control than I do!
Another outcome from a seemingly infinite job list is the possibility of broken promises or unfinished chores.
This creates a larger problem of general mistrust. When your word isn’t good, when you fail to do what you promised to do, you lose credibility with your spouse. This leads to much bigger issues than an overgrown lawn or a sink full of dishes.
Building trust in a marriage is both foundational and biblical. Being unified as a Christian couple isn’t just a nice thing to be. It’s not about defining your roles and then never having to work through basic household issues again. It is actually a spiritual matter. Avoiding petty arguments and passive-aggressive standoffs is vital to living out the biblical model of a loving marriage.
Winning is losing when a couple is unable to submit to each other in love.
Winning is losing when a couple is unable to submit to each other in love and unity.
Author and leader Francis Chan wrote it’s a matter of following Christ, summing up the dilemma:
Arguments escalate when we want to be right more than we want to be Christ. It is easy to get blinded in the heat of disagreements. Soon, all we want is to win, even if victory requires sin. The one who wins the argument is usually the one who acts less like Christ.[10]
MOVING TOWARD SERVICE IN YOUR MARRIAGE
In the end, “how” you divide the household responsibilities (the process) is more important than the ultimate solutions you come up with. The following guidelines will help you hold together as a couple when dividing the chores tries to tear you apart.
1. Be equally responsible for managing your life together. Dividing up household responsibilities begins with a clear mindset: We are both equally responsible for our home —inside and outside. We’re a team and we need to function like one.
2. Don’t just wait for an opening then offer to help. Instead of asking how you can help, take initiative. Don’t wait for your spouse to tell you what needs to be done around the house. It’s as simple as noticing the dishes are done and need to be unloaded from the dishwasher. Nobody should have to teach a grownup to put dishes away or remind him or her each day that it’s important.
Marriage becomes a series of surprises for most of us, and one of them is how frequently we need to forgive and be forgiven.
Dr. Ed Wheat, The First Years of Forever
As Erin and I talked about our own problems in this area, her biggest desire was for me to take initiative —not to wait on her to tell me what needs to be done around the house. Reaching that understanding was a “win” for her.
For me, my “win” is having some down time as a family each night. It’s important we have margins in our lives to relax, hang out, and pursue those things that help us rest and relax. So down time is a priority for me.
One way that we’ve incorporated both of our “wins” into a solution is that I take the initiative to load the dishes into the dishwasher at the end of the night and then I unload them right before I take the kids to school in the morning. I love this system, because I don’t feel like we’re doing dishes all day long. And it’s one less thing that Erin has to worry about.
3. Try to out-serve your spouse. Built upon the foundation of equal ownership, our job is to out-serve our spouse every day. “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve” (Mark 10:45).
Take your service to the deepest level and give of your time and energy sacrificially. This means that when I come home after a busy day at work, I jump in and do whatever needs to be done right away. It’s not only my responsibility, but it’s an opportunity to serve my wife and go the extra mile.
Take your service to the deepest level and give of your time and energy sacrificially.
Author George Eliot said it well: “What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?”[11]
4. Express gratitude stemming from empathy. Make it a habit to thank your spouse for the work he or she regularly does. Be specific, and if you have children, make sure they hear you praising your spouse and being grateful. It’s a good example to set for them, and it reminds them that things around the house don’t just get done by magical elves who labor while you’re sleeping.
5. Talk about your expectations and preferences. Be willing (like the song says) to “let it go” if it’s causing division. Strike a balance between a clean, neat home and a “sanitized for your protection” home.
Remember that some spouses do more housework because they prefer cleaner homes or want something cleaned a certain way. This is where good communication comes in. Be aware of your personal cleanliness preferences (think of all the different ways there are to change sheets, wash the floors, or clean/disinfect a counter). Negotiate these tasks based on realistic expectations.
You may need to release your spouse to then do the chore his or her way. If this balance is acceptable to your spouse, then call it even and move forward.
6. Divide up responsibilities fairly. How you specifically divide up your particular household chores requires you to have a conversation about expectations as “teammates.” Remind your spouse that you are on the same team. Therefore, the only possible solution to the chore wars is one that you both feel great about. Live out Philippians 2:4, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” In other words, divide up the chores in a way that feels equitable or fair to both people. Discover a win-win.
Take into consideration the timing of each other’s body clocks. Some spouses are ticking in the morning, and some don’t wind up until the evening. Pressuring a spouse to do a task on your schedule instead of his or hers is a great way to begin an argument.
Sharing deadlines will synchronize expectations even if it won’t synchronize your body clocks.
Sharing deadlines will synchronize expectations even if it won’t synchronize your body clocks. Keep administration communication flowing so each of you can anticipate which tasks need to be tackled by what time. Tip each other off to important meetings, doctor appointments, workout schedules, and the like. Put it on the calendar and let it go.
7.Don’t complain, nitpick, or nag. Write a chore contract, list, or calendar, or find some written way to administrate the chores and errands. Post it in a common area. This is essential for couples in the beginning phases of a chore-war truce.
Hold your tongue if a spouse does a chore differently than you would. But if having the laundry separated and washed in a certain system is a live-or-die proposition, then do the laundry yourself.
Be willing to lay aside traditional gender roles. The division of labor in the household often still falls within traditional spheres of “masculine” and “feminine” chores. Erin does a fair share of lawn care, and as I already mentioned, I’ve taken on dishwasher duty.
This is the final takeaway: you can only change yourself; you can’t change your spouse. Realistic is your goal, not perfectionistic. If you can’t gain perspective, consider hiring someone to do those tasks that aren’t getting done. Or —gasp! —let your standards slide or give up a task altogether. But do make sure the roof won’t fall in —I’m not talking being slothful. Cleaning the bathroom only once a week instead of daily might just be the best way to serve your spouse. Or showing fifteen seconds of respect by rinsing your dishes might win your spouse’s heart.
When you both are 100 percent responsible for the household, when you divide up the regular chores with a teammate mentality, and when your goal is to out-serve the other, you can put an end to the chore wars.
And next time you bring a huge suitcase full of stinky clothes home from vacation, maybe you’ll fight each other for the honor of dragging it upstairs.