Chapter Nine

Living Your Life

Here it is: This whole thing, this little book, your life, your values are about you. How you carry yourself, the sum of your beliefs that make you strive to reach far beyond the norm and accomplish great deeds, are about living a life of true value. It’s all about setting the tone for how you react, how you respond, how you lead in living your life.

For some who are passive and have little to no ambition, who deliberately scurry away from any form of responsibility because of cowardliness, afraid of making any ripples, life can be smooth sailing. But for others who might be a little scared and yet still have the backbone to stand up and be counted, who above all can be relied upon—for them, at times, waters can be rough.

Just be advised.

Don’t forget that when you first begin to sail uncharted seas in the vast oceans of life, there is always that slight chance of falling off the edge of the earth. As you explore new worlds to better yourself and, more importantly, pilot others, you’ll spend more time and energy fighting off mutinies than making headway in the mission you initially set out to accomplish.

In Your Face

The more you ascend and actually succeed in your life, the broader the impact you make on your cause, particularly in the lives of others. You’ll find yourself being bombarded from all points of the compass. It’s nearly unavoidable. Trust me, sooner or later it will come. It’s almost like a twisted, never-before-seen perfect storm. It won’t matter if you’re just minding your own business, doing your own thing, and not looking for any praise. Even if you are, in fact, going out of your way not to draw any sort of attention to yourself, opposition, with all its slimy tentacles from the darkest of crevices, will try to attach itself to you and pull you under.

You’ll also find opposition from those who have never taken a chance, who have never even thought about the mere idea of anything in the arena of productive, proactive accomplishments. Yet these individuals take the time to make the time. They go out of their way, as if it’s their job, to be your most vocal opponent.

Why is that? Well, for some, they may feel threatened, jealous, or extremely ashamed of the lives they’ve led, or perhaps failed to have led.

Another reason some individuals go out of their way to act in a vengeful manner against you is because it makes them feel superior. They act in that manner in part so the light of disparity shines on them just a little less than it did before. It’s their hope, and for some their mission, to put down and keep down others for the sole purpose of elevating their own worth. That’s called deflecting. And that’s not healthy.

For some it just may be that they are afraid of change. Very afraid. There can be a multitude of unknown reasons or excuses. Yet at the end of the day, does any of that really matter to you? Should you redirect your time, your attention, your resources to those who don’t even have a mission, let alone the slightest hint of ambition? Why should you care what those with no integrity think about you and your honorable motives?

It shouldn’t matter what others say or do when you’re living your life, particularly if those people are toxic. But, as both of us know, in the reality of life it still affects us, gives us pause, and, sometimes, it still hurts. I’m talking deep down to the pit of your stomach kind of agony. Here you are, trying to make a difference, to make something of yourself, and wham, out of the blue, you take a punch in the midsection.

I can’t begin to tell you how many thousands of times I’ve tried to reach out, sincerely tried to help out others when I didn’t necessarily have to, and sometimes still gotten that finger in my face proclaiming that I didn’t do enough, or that I wasn’t quick enough to respond. At times I have heard horrible, horrible accusations. Even after all I’ve done, all I’ve been fortunate to accomplish, even to this day sometimes it still hurts.

I beg of you, trust me on this: If you’ve had a crappy past, if you’ve survived an unfortunate, even despicable, situation, as you now continue to reach out beyond the norm to better yourself, as you grow, you’ll only become stronger. You’ll only become all the wiser. So you damn well should be able to take a few jabs along the way. Come on, you can so do this.

Heck, when it comes to criticism, I say it’s not all bad. If anything, it means you’re making some sort of progress. While others are watching the world go by as they make their excuses, with their never-ending baby-like whining, warring with themselves to justify their own miserable lives, you are in fact accomplishing something. You are taking a stand for who you are and beliefs that you know to be true for you. So, tell me, how is that wrong? How is that bad, let alone dishonorable?

Again, maybe a squall or two isn’t all that bad in the vast oceans of life.

Just give it some thought.

Look at it this way: Maybe a dig or two keeps you humble. Helps to ensure that you don’t become too full of yourself. And the most important element is that those jabs and innuendos can actually aid you in evaluating your—ta-da: integrity.

Don’t fret. Over time your skin will become a little bit thicker. As you grow your sensitive hearing will disseminate, break down, and filter out most of that vengeful, needless white noise.

Keep your head in the game. It’s your life and your crusade.

Remember, whenever it comes to unwarranted attacks on your character, it’s a game, but only if you play it.

All Too Human

Simply keep in mind that everybody takes a hit at some point. And I do mean E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y! There isn’t a day in the paper, the television news, radio shows, or even that Internet headline banner scrolling on the top section of your computer screen that doesn’t scream to the world how someone of stature did or supposedly did something that garnered attention.

We see it in the field of politics. As the election heats up, the underdog who suddenly becomes the front-runner gets hit by so many accusations that the politician’s discussion about why he or she is running for office in the first place becomes completely mute in the fog of needless noise.

The same can be said for sports figures or celebrities. A year or so ago when these folks were coming up the ranks doing their own thing, we knew of them slightly but really didn’t care about them all that much. But once they became “A-listers” traipsing down the red carpet, the finger pointing and character assassinations pound in non-stop waves.

Now to be fair, while some of these folks bring their follies entirely on themselves, some of them are in fact more than humble, appreciative, and live respectable, quiet lives.

My point being: None of us are immune—any parent, any chief executive officer, any supervisor, samaritan, visionary—anyone has more than his or her share of hits. The higher you climb, the more others will point their fingers at you. But, as with everything else, this is just one of the prices you will pay. It simply comes with the territory.

I am certainly no different. If that zany, over-the-top, redheaded comedian Kathy Griffin (whom I adore) is a D-list celebrity, I must, at best, be on the Z-list. Being of some notoriety for years now, there is rarely a week when I have not made someone mad to the point of hating me. It can stem from what I said or didn’t say. What I did or didn’t do. And it doesn’t matter if I have gone way, way out of my way to clear my name, proving beyond any doubt that I was not in error. I discovered that this can only upset those certain individuals all the more.

I truthfully admit that sometimes, when I’ve been in the crosshairs, when I’ve been slammed so hard and with vicious intent, it pains me to my core. It’s partly my pride and ego that make me discouraged, which I know is completely, utterly foolish.

Now I also freely acknowledge that I can rub some individuals the wrong way. I certainly don’t mean to. And I never, absolutely never, do anything for the deliberate purpose of making others upset. I love nothing more than praising those who make a difference in the lives of others, while I assist where I can to make folks feel good about themselves. I do whatever I can to help open a door, any door, that may lead others to rediscover their self-worth and happiness. In a nutshell that’s it! That’s what I do. That’s what I stand for.

Many years ago (boy, do I feel old!), I was presenting in the Northwest part of the United States and I nearly ignited a fire storm when I kept saying the word “ladies.” The first time I said the word, as in, “Ladies and gentlemen,” I received a vengeful look from the back part of the room. Half an hour later, when I repeated the word, a very young woman shot up and announced, “I’m no lady. You hear me? I’m no f——n’ lady!”

Ya think?

After screeching her displeasure at my old-world, female-oppressing, sexist ways to the crowd, she and her female friend stomped out in front of a stunned crowd of hundreds. A week later I received a seven-page hate letter from the young gal telling me how I had not only ruined her day, but I had totally crushed her spirit. That I was the reason women still fought against dominating pigs such as myself and how people like me deserved nothing less than to rot in the depths of hell. The letter ended with a postscript describing not only that she would sue me, but also how much in damages she would seek from the overwhelming mental anxiety I had inflicted.

Wow!

I read the letter dozens of times, only to dissect it further. Not to sound dramatic, but I felt so horrible that I fell to my knees. I cried. I prayed. I battled with myself, thinking, If I’m making one person so enraged, I can only imagine how upset I must have made tens of thousands of others.

For weeks I allowed that situation and that spiteful letter to dominate my thoughts. For weeks I thought of nothing else. It tore me up. I lost sleep. I could barely keep anything down. Yet, as I began to calm down and after seeking sound, honest advice, I was finally able to get a single night’s sleep. It took a little more time for me to come to the realization that it wasn’t the end of the world. I searched my heart knowing full well that while I accepted responsibility for my words and deeds, I had been, in fact, only going out of my way to be polite to the audience. I then recalled that for many, many years I’d said the same word thousands upon thousands of times with no ill effects, absolutely none whatsoever, which eventually helped me with my introspection all the more. Only then, after I looked at the entire matter for what it was, did I begin to feel better—cleaner—about myself.

Being that this was my first major hit, when I next appeared onstage, I hesitated. I felt guarded. Most of all, I felt hampered that I couldn’t, wouldn’t, give my all. It began to eat at me that I was not being me.

And that’s not right either. For any of us to constantly knee-jerk at every encounter with narrow-mindedness, to completely change direction at the whims of others for the sole purpose of possibly not offending, I say that’s just plain stupid. That’s not leadership and it’s certainly not displaying one’s integrity. If anything, it’s cowering in cowardliness. Therefore, I say when you take your stance, be of true heart. Keep your chin up and your eyes open to backlash. Again, it all comes with the real estate of learning.

Now, I have absolutely no problem with altering a plan, receiving sound critiques, or making an occasional course correction. If I can do something that can help me become more effective, I’m more than willing, at the very least, to consider the possibility.

About ten years have passed since that difficult encounter, and now when I look back at the situation I can view the experience as a positive building block. Like all of us, I have made and will continue to make mistakes, some of them absolutely, stupidly outrageous. At least for me, especially with my luck, it’s nearly unavoidable, in part because I’m always stretching beyond a set comfort zone. Mistakes also keep me from becoming too complacent or unappreciative. So now when I receive deliberate hate-filled statements, I look at the source, offer them a quiet, quick prayer, and move it along. If anything, the ultra-hyper, supersensitive, always-whining, do-nothing-but-complain club makes me more determined in my mission.

So even to this day, does it still hurt? Oh yeah! And in some ways I think it should. Because it shows that we still have feelings, that we’re not too jaded or think we’re above it all. That all of us are, in fact, human. You’re never going to be able to change how some individuals think or how they act. It’s a hard but basic part of the reality of life. All I can do, all you can do, is go about your business, doing all that you can to the best of your abilities.

So to heck with them.

Same Scenario, Different Attitude

Does the scrutiny ever go away? Oh no, if anything it just keeps piling on.

Just a short time ago I returned to the northwestern part of the nation, to the same city where the “l” word incident took place, and—guess what? Lo and behold, I set off a few folks. As I gave the presentation I knew I was swimming upriver against the white rapids without a paddle. As much as I tried, I felt I wasn’t connecting all that well. But just the same, I gave it all I had. It wasn’t until weeks later that I received another letter—telling me I had screwed up, again.

As my business director, Gabbi, laid down the letter in front of me, she warned, “Now don’t spin. Don’t go crazy, but this is something you have to read.”

My crime of the century, among other things, was saying “God bless you.” As in “If you’re helping others, God bless you” and “If you’re in a dark place where things aren’t going your way and you still have the courage to get up every day and face your demons against all odds and still function and contribute to society, then God bless you” and “If you need a little encouragement, a little boost in morale, well, may God bless you.”

As I reread the letter, I could feel my stomach tighten. My head slowly began to spin out into orbit. I instantly knew I could allow this correspondence to eat me up. Or I could simply act as if I had never read it, let alone received it, therefore not caring one iota. Or, I quietly thought to myself, I could do something.

I snatched up the phone and spoke to the sponsor for the event. After a few pleasantries, I eased in with “Thank you for taking the time to write me. I personally read your letter and—” Suddenly, the lady’s tone changed entirely from warm to cold and defensive. “You must understand—we all must be sensitive to all people’s feelings. Some—not all, mind you—but some were taken aback by some of your comments.”

“Well,” I replied, “first off, I truly apologize. That was never my intention.”

Still in a guarded voice, the lady, whose attitude was now totally different from when she’d happily chatted with me hours before the program, jumped in with, “I can feel the meaning of your words; however, you did say that, that statement seven times. To some—not all, but to some—they may have, well, possibly taken your comments as a way of endorsing a certain persuasion. You have to understand the sensitive times we live in. You of all people should know how words can ignite a response.”

Of course, without thinking, without meaning to, while still holding the phone, I accidentally blurted out, “Seven times? I said ‘God bless you’ seven times in ninety minutes? Wow! Usually I say it more. A lot more.”

“And your humor,” she continued. “While many may have laughed at your wit and impersonations, I really don’t think the audience quite expected you to be that amusing. That might have confused them. Which can only add to them feeling uncomfortable.”

“But ma’am,” I replied, “I’m confused. Did we not meet two hours before the program, when I asked about incorporating humor to loosen the folks up, because you told me the folks had had several days of extensive training and needed a break? Did I not ask you about my saying the exact words God bless? Wasn’t I, in fact, very specific, asking you what you wanted me to do?”

“I’m not quite certain if I recall receiving you before the presentation. I’m very busy. I don’t have time to sort out every issue,” the lady reluctantly scoffed. “And I do not see how any of this is relevant. Someone like yourself should dedicate more time to becoming more sensitive to the needs of others, so not to be offensive.”

“Ma’am, please. I’m really trying to understand. I am in no way trying to shirk my responsibilities. If I screwed up, it’s on my shoulders and mine alone. But I don’t know what it is exactly you want me to do.”

From the other end of the line I could hear the lady tap her fingernails. After a long pause she cleared her throat. “Well, to begin with, you should state your intentions, including your humor, in your materials that you send out before anyone contracts your services.”

“We do. We’ve done that since I first started. That’s standard procedure.”

“Then perhaps you should redo it, in bigger print. You need to consider that not everyone has time to read them. I also think you need to submit a full-length document of your presentation to enable a panel to evaluate and make required corrections. Then you would resubmit for further corrections until the panel becomes satisfied. Or”—the lady snapped her fingers—“it would be most beneficial for others if you could fly in, spend a few days, give your complete presentation for consideration, then the panel would have direct input on how they feel.”

“Ma’am”—I almost gawked at the phone in my hand—“are you serious? Do you require or would you even ask this of anybody else?” I queried, trying to make an off-hand but obvious point.

“Of course not. Now that would be just plain silly,” she huffed, as if I should have known. “But you’re different. You’re Dave Pelzer.”

Gaining stride, the lady blitzed on to express a better course of action: In order not to take the chance of igniting folks, I should immediately cancel every future appearance (yes, she actually said this—no kidding), stay off the road for about a year, and my team and I should scour every document, every taped interview, to analyze and dissect anything that may possibly be considered offensive. She then continued that I should use the time as a deep meditative awakening experience to understand the sensitivity of being, well . . . more sensitive.

All-righty-then!

Yet, in real life, what made the conversation so outrageous, so maddening, was how sincere and how adamant the lady was. Even when I chided, “Gosh, a whole year? And mainly ’cause I said God bless five, six times?”

With a sudden rush of air, she quickly blurted, “Seven! You said that statement seven times.”

All I could do was nod my head. “Well, next week I’m scheduled to go overseas to Iraq and speak to the troops. It’s a huge honor. I’ve been ask to do some jokes, tell a few stories, offer some encouragement. But, if I’m that offensive, well . . . maybe I shouldn’t go.”

Without skipping a beat, without even considering the magnitude of being “sensitive” to what I had just said, let alone “my” feelings, the lady chimed, “That sounds like a very positive step. I’m sure that would be for the best. Again, we should all be aware of the sensitive times we live in.”

“But,” I chimed, “if we don’t speak out, if we don’t act upon what’s in our hearts, if our intentions are true and forthright, how is that such a bad thing? If we don’t take a chance, how can we strive for progress? If we cower and cave in to every itty-bitty thing, if we change ourselves, our attitudes, our core beliefs for the sole sake of appeasement, how does that make anything better? What does that say about our values? What does that say about our integrity?”

I stumbled on. “If these are in fact sensitive times, should we not be sensitive and respect everyone’s—and I mean everyone’s—feelings, beliefs, and intentions, including my own? I apologize for screwing up, for upsetting those folks. Truly I do. But I don’t believe that saying God bless a few times, eulogizing, praising those who make a difference, and stressing the importance of resilience and personal accountability is a bad thing or makes me a bad guy. I am sensitive to the needs of others, and it’s because of that and my beliefs that I’m asked to present.

“In the future I will be more aware and sensitive, but overall I pride myself for at least going ‘out there’ and taking a chance at making things better, rather than doing little to nothing by keeping my head down and eyes shut, hoping not to upset the status quo.”

“Well, you don’t have to be so, so—”

“Sensitive?” I broke in.

“I was only suggesting that you should take a year . . .” The lady trailed off after catching her breath. “I can certainly feel what you are saying. Of course you are allowed to feel as you wish. Perhaps, in the end, time will tell.”

Knowing I had overstepped my bounds, I genuinely thanked the lady for her time and her critique. Then I rocketed my foot back into my mouth by uttering those three infamous words that had started this whole escapade.

“God bless you.”

On the other end, all I could hear was labored breathing before the line suddenly went dead.

Dear reader, please understand, there are times, rare instances, when I am conversing, when I am expressing a sound, deep, philosophical meaning, that the words pour out of my mouth like water from a purified crystal well. When those eloquent moments happen I feel like Cary Grant, Peter O’Toole, or Will Rogers. Yet, unfortunately, most of the time, I’m the stammering, stuttering, blathering village idiot. No matter how hard I try, how much I study, it’s simply in my nature to botch it up.

Thinking about the conversation now, as I scribe these words to you, maybe placing that call was not the wisest thing for me to have done. While I admit that part of it was my ego, I primarily did it to discover my true errors, and in the end it became more of a passionate crusade for my credibility.

The main reason I went into embarrassing detail in the preceding example is for you not only to be aware that inescapable critiques will come your way, but also to let you know that, as you excel, sometimes your convictions will be judged according to unfair and unachievable standards by one-sided individuals, and that the least of your errors can be and will be magnified a thousand times against you.

Tack it up. For this is all part of the price of leadership and living.

Screwups are unavoidable, an obvious fact of life. And you will never, ever come close to satisfying the minority of the masses. However, what should never be in doubt is your integrity. Your honor.

Give pause and analyze the situation? You bet! Tuck your tail between your legs in response to your sound efforts and compromise your righteous values so that, maybe, possibly, you won’t displease others? Hell no!

Understand that we all want to be wanted, to be loved and respected. We all want to be right all the time. But that’s not possible, nor is it normal. It’s good to adjust. It’s healthy to make corrections when needed. That should never stop. It’s called progress! But to chase after those who are so lost in space at the far regions of another solar system, making senseless, contemptible critiques while not even considering your position is way, way beyond asinine.

In my case, I tried to be nice and considerate to the sponsor. As anyone, especially someone like myself, should. I know that the more I travel and the more recognition I receive, the more my head is going to be on the chopping block. It’s a fact I’ve come to accept. But the more I listened, trying to dissect and prove my points, the more I knew I was being sucked into a black hole. I thought that offering apologies, gently stating my position, should have been enough.

What I should have done was end the conversation way before the lady had dreamed up the notion of me combing through and reviewing presentations from ten and fifteen years ago. And I certainly should have halted the discussion before she went on to patronize my upcoming overseas trip to pay tribute to America’s finest. Bottom line: I should not have allowed the situation to get that far.

I certainly won’t allow future situations to get so out of control, so bizzare. But, as you now know about me, my luck, my life, and my mouth—odds are it’s inevitable. At least with this one episode I stood my ground more than I ever did years before. I did not completely concede. Nor did I bow in the direction of the winds for that particular moment for the sole reason of another’s opinion.

Personally and professionally speaking, the most significant element I drew from the whole experience, whether it be the malicious, hate-filled letter or the conversation itself, was that I did not permit either one to devour my soul. And I never even contemplated throwing in the towel.

As I have stated, and as you have read, there are those who seem to leap out from nowhere pointing the finger of wrath in your face. Those are the same individuals with whom you try to make amends, to whom you try at least to express your views, and still it’s never enough. Even though their stance is as solid as Jell-O, the only time they may display any sign of having a backbone is when they insist that you darn well better jump on their bandwagon, tout de suite.

There are those who blunder through life accommodating, hoping to keep that low profile and fly below the radar. They hope, they pray, and, with all their might, they try not to ruffle any feathers, not to make any ripples in the smallest of ponds. And I’m sure that plan probably works out well for some. Whether it’s the irate finger-pointers who love nothing more than to criticize or those hiding in their cocoon, ask yourself, What do they contribute? What do they bring to the table? Is there anything they have said or actually accomplished that is of any credence, any value whatsoever?

From the tallest mountain I’ll shout for all to hear, “God bless! God bless those who try. Good for you for having the guts to take a stand.” That’s what I believe, so that’s how it is.

I say whether they like you, love you, despise you, or loathe you, hold your ground. Do not concede your values. Do not shiver in the darkest shadows wondering, What if? I wonder if I should have, could have, tried to do that one thing.

If you have something to offer, if you have something to contribute, then step up. “Mr. President, Madam Secretary, I truly don’t believe that is the correct course of action at this time. You may wish to consider . . .”

At the same time, when someone addresses you with “Supervisor Smith” or “Ms. Jones” or “Mom, you promised” or “You said” or “You didn’t do,” take the jab to the chin, admit your error, and move it along.

Trust me when I say that in any case, by stepping up to the boss at work or having your shortcomings brought up to you by your kids, it will be completely forgotten in a matter of hours, days, weeks, or months at the very most. However, what will be remembered, what will follow you everywhere, is your integrity, your values, and your beliefs.

We all have to and should continue to adjust, be accommodating and well mannered as needed. It’s a necessity of life. So when—not if, but when—you take one on the chin for screwing up, don’t take it too personally; realize that it’s not the end of the world and adjust. Unless it’s something drastic, I recommend that, for the most part, you stay the course.

When you pull the reins in on the kiddies or know-it-all, want-it-all, be-all teens, when the door slams after they screech: “You have no right! It’s not fair! I hate you!” Not to worry. While those of inexperience and immaturity dance around you losing their cool and all self-control, you, being a person who knows your way around, keep your temper in check and under total control. While other kids are “out there” doing Lord knows what at all hours, your babes are stewing away, doing their homework in the safety of their cozy little rooms. As you know, when it comes to parenting, you can cave in now in order to avoid “dealing with it,” or take the occasional rap to the jaw to maintain the long-term vision of raising productive, responsible, happy adults.

If anyone at work or in other places is callous, overly corrective, or stupidly hypersensitive to your convictions, work ethics, or optimistic outlook on life, pay no heed. Remember, as an independent, responsible, reasonable adult you are the captain of your own destiny. You man your own helm. Just keep your eyes on the upcoming triumphant horizon.

All Around Us

Opportunities for greatness are rare. Yet, despite all that swirls around us throughout life, we muster to the challenge. The more we refuse to bend to the prevailing wind, the more opportunity for greatness can become an everyday occurrence. Really, it’s all in the standards of how one lives one’s life. You should know where you stand and how to react before any event develops. Before you set sail, you should at the very least unfold your chart and plot your own course. You should know and accept that when you step into the ring, you’re going to take some hits.

The taller you stand, the more others emerge from their snakeholes and with their axes. Some wait for a precise moment to cut you down. Others will just stand around with anticipation, waiting and hoping to see you fall over.

Not to worry. Stand tall. Hold the line. Remember that in life bad-weather surges are unavoidable. Yet it’s the tree with the deepest of roots that has in fact weathered the velocity of the worst storms.

You will be just fine!