Professor Know-All

A long time ago there lived a peasant named “Crab,” who one day drove into a certain city his cart laden with a bundle of logs, drawn by two oxen. He soon found a purchaser for his wood in the person of a learned Professor, who bought it for two dollars, and, while the money was being counted out, the Peasant, peeping in at the door, saw how comfortably his customer was eating and drinking; and the thought thereupon came into his head that he would like to be a professor too. So he waited a little while, and at last mustered courage to ask whether he could not be a professor. “Oh, yes,” replied the Professor, “that can soon be managed!”

“What must I do?” asked the Peasant.

“First of all buy an A B C book, one which has a cock-a-doodle-doo for a frontispiece; secondly, sell your cart and oxen, and turn them into money to buy good clothes with, and what else belongs to a professor’s appearance; lastly, let a sign be painted, with the words, ‘I am the Professor Know-All,’ and nail that over your house door.”

The Countryman did all that he was told, and after he had practised a little time, but not to much purpose, a certain very wealthy Baron had some money stolen from him. Mention was made to the Baron of this Professor Know-All who dwelt in such a village, and who would be sure to know where the money was gone. As soon as the Baron heard of him, he ordered his horses and his carriage and drove to the place where the Professor lived. The Baron inquired if he were the Professor Know-All, and, he replying “Yes,” the Baron said he must return with him and discover his money.

“Very well,” replied the Professor; “but my wife Gertrude must accompany me.”

To this the Baron agreed, and, all being seated in the carriage, away they drove back again. When they arrived at the house, a splendid collation was on the table, of which the Professor was invited to partake. “Certainly,” said he, “but my wife Gertrude too;” and he sat down with her at the bottom of the table. As soon as the first servant entered with a dish of delicate soup, the Professor poked his wife, saying, “He is the first!” meaning he was the first who had brought in meat. But the servant imagined he meant to say, “He is the first thief!” and, because he really was so, he felt very much disturbed, and told his comrades in the kitchen, “The Professor knows all; we shall come off badly, for he has said I am the first!” When the second servant heard this he felt afraid to go; but he was obliged, and, as soon as he entered the room with his dish, the man poked his wife again, and said, “Gertrude, that is the second!” This frightened the servant so much that he left the room as soon as possible; and the third servant who entered fared no better, for the Professor said to his wife, “That is the third!” The fourth servant had to bring in a covered dish, and the Baron said to the Professor he must show his powers by telling truly what was in the dish. Now, there were crabs in it; but the Peasant looked at the dish, ignorant how to get himself out of the scrape, till at last he cried out, “Oh, poor Crab that I am!” When the Baron heard this he exclaimed, “Good! he knows it! he knows, too, where my money is!”

The servant, however, was terribly frightened; and he winked to the Professor to follow him out. When he had done so, he found all four servants there who had stolen the money, and were now so eager to get off that they offered him a large sum if he would not betray them; for if he did their necks would be in danger. They led him also to the place where the money lay hid, and the Professor was so pleased that he gave them the required promise, and then returned to the house, where he sat down again at table, and, producing his book, said, “I will now look in my book, Baron, and discover the place where the money lies.” A fifth servant, who had had a share in the robbery, wished to hear if the Professor knew more, and so he crept up the chimney to listen. Below sat the countryman, turning the leaves of his book backwards and forwards, forwards and backwards, looking for the Cock-a-doodle-doo. However, he could not find it, and he at length exclaimed, “You must come out, for I know you are in!” This made the servant up the chimney believe he meant him, and down he slipped, and got out, crying, “The man knows all, the man knows all!”

Then Professor Know-All showed the Baron where the money lay; but he said nothing about who had stolen it, so that from both sides he received a large sum of money as a reward, and, moreover, he became a very celebrated character.